bookbeltof_love: (fake smile)
[personal profile] bookbeltof_love
Nina was exhausted.

She'd made it back just in time for Summer's class and, like, that had left her not much time to work with her own class.

Ugh.

Sure, she could've skipped Summer's class but then she'd have felt bad about it and she enjoyed the ranting even if she was conflicted on the things Summer was ranting about…

On the bright side, there wasn't much to set up. No one else really seemed to be using this room, so it was a matter of sticking the spices at each station and checking the fridge to see what they were going to make today.

"Gooooooooooooooooood moooooooooooooorning!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" she said cheerfully, turning away from the fridge as her class showed up, with a bowlful of tomatoes and another of shellfish. Nina beamed at them as she wandered from station to station, leaving a few tomatoes and a few fish at each place. "Today we're branching off from eggs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

She was already predicting a few comments on this day, oh yes she was.

Nina took her spot at the front of the class with the left over tomatoes and shellfish.

"I'm starving!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" she announced, grinning at them. "So, like, I want you to look at what I've given you and guess what we're making today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Were they likely to get it right?

Probably not. But that was part of the fun.
bookbeltof_love: (thanks academy)
[personal profile] bookbeltof_love
"Good mooooooooooooooooooorning!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Nina beamed at her class, pleased as punch that, presumably, they'd come back after last week! Each of the kitchen stations were set up just like last week, right down to the cups of five spices of her world (sugar, salt, soy sauce, mayo, and red pepper) and a carton of a dozen eggs.

"Don't worry," she said blithely, "we do cook with more than just eggs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But today we'll be covering what happens when you cook with two eggs instead of just one!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

You would think you'd get double your ice cream or your pudding or whatever but you'd be deeply wrong.

"If you, like, happened to try this at home after class," Nina said, "then, like, I really hope you didn't try just doubling the recipe!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know that works for recipes from this world but it, like, really doesn't in my world because, like, making something with two eggs is meant to get you something totally different than making something with one egg……………

"So, like, a one egg recipe, like ice cream, can't be doubled just by adding another egg and you'll just, like, wind up with a total eggy mess!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Probably the sort of mess that people expected to make when they cooked her way, honestly.

"So, like, remember this: one egg equals ice cream while two eggs equals cake!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

And not just, like, a slice of cake. She was talking about an entire cake.

"Now, like, you have to be a little more particular before you move with the eggs for this recipe!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Each seasoning is meant to lead to a different subcategory of cakes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If you just want cake, you're just going to want two eggs!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But, like, if you want shortcake of any sort, then you're going to want to use two eggs and a cupful of sugar!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Whereas, like, adding a cupful of mayo is going to get you cheesecake!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You'll get different kinds of cake if you add salt, soy sauce, or red pepper but, like, the three I've listed are the most popular subsets of cake!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Questions, anyone??????????????????? If not, then, like I'll demonstrate and then you can get started!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
bookbeltof_love: (that's great!!!!)
[personal profile] bookbeltof_love
Was it a little weird to have to bolt from a class she was taking so that she could go and make sure all was set up for a class she was teaching? Yes, yes it was.

Luckily, Nina built to thrive on challenge like that. And she'd set it up beforehand which was, well, the real reason she couldn't do yoga this semester. She needed time to prep things beforehand! Her classroom was the Danger Shop, set up with kitchen stations for each student.

Each station was equipped with a wok, a stew pot, five measuring cups that were each filled with a different item, and a carton of twelve eggs.

There was also a camera set up to record all of this.

Good morning!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! )

She clapped her hands together. "Okay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Names and one dish you want me to cover—though, like, with seven weeks I make no promises!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! After that, we'll get to making ice cream!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

[OCD is up!!!!!! :D]
sharp_man: (Default)
[personal profile] sharp_man
Today, the Danger Shop was made up like a perfectly normal modern kitchen, with stations for each student. Hannibal leaned on the one at the front of the class. He saw some mistletoe creeping in and raised an eyebrow at it; it burst into flame.

"I've programmed the room to keep that ridiculous plant life out, so feel free to spend as long here as you like. Today is your final; I would like you to take the techniques and lessons you've learned from past classes and make your own food. Ask for help if you need it."

He would be making a Buche de Nöel.
sharp_man: (Default)
[personal profile] sharp_man
Hannibal came into the Danger Shop to the sound of "Carol of the Bells". Loudly. He sighed and started talking, walking around the banquet table at the front of the simulated Italian hall. "This week, we will be discussing -" The music started again as he rounded the table. He frowned. A few minutes later, it stopped and he continued. "Much of what we know of Italian cooking -" he moved his foot and it started again, since he was now in a corner. He scowled. "Although in the fifteenth century -" More music.

He scowled and threw up his hands, then managed to yell, "Cook!" to be heard over the music, and promptly gave up. You all had tablets with recipes on them. Use them.
sharp_man: (feeling a little beat up)
[personal profile] sharp_man
When the students arrived today, they would find a lovely calligraphed note on the desk at the front of the room.

I'm afraid being sick precludes teaching any class involving food. If you choose to remain here, you may cook in your own time or watch a movie. You may also choose to leave. - Dr Hannibal Lecter



[Method RP! :P ]
sharp_man: (Default)
[personal profile] sharp_man
"Next week," Hannibal greeted them, "is a holiday in the country we are nominally a part of. It commemorates people from the continent to the east of us landing and making friends with the people on this one. Which lasted until they decided they could get more out of killing or subjugating them." Rude.

"The holiday is traditionally celebrated by eating food, largely the food of those people from the other continent. Instead, we will be attempting to make the food of the people of this one. Or at least, the people of this one known for welcoming the invaders, the Wampanoag, since those living here were not a monoculture."

He led them to the clay pots they'd be using.

"We will be making Autumn Sobaheg and Puttuckqunnege today. Please plan your time accordingly, and as always, ask if you have any questions."
sharp_man: (Default)
[personal profile] sharp_man
Hannibal met everyone this week in a medieval manor house, and passed out anachronistic electronic tablets with the instructions.

"This week, we are making Caudel out of Lent and fried crackers. You'll see the original recipes and translations here. You'll also have a number of period food colorings, if you choose to use them. There is a rich history of coloring food in every hue of the rainbow at the time these dishes were from."

He waved them at the period stoves. "Let me know if you have any questions."
sharp_man: (Default)
[personal profile] sharp_man
Hannibal nodded to the students. "Of primary importance, particularly in areas where food might not be plentiful all year, is preserving food so that you have enough to eat year-round. Prior to the refrigerator, this often meant smoking it. Today we will be smoking fish. It's a method that has been used throughout history, and still often is, although less as a preservative these days and more as a flavoring."

He smiled a little. "I hope you've brought something else to do while we wait." He nodded them toward the old-fashioned and simple grills.
sharp_man: (Default)
[personal profile] sharp_man
"Good morning," Hannibal said, nodding to the students. "We've just passed a holiday that has been around for hundreds of years; similarly, the foods used to celebrate it and other harvest holidays have also been around that long. Varieties of oat cake have come down to us from several countries; parsnips were widely cultivated. You'll note both these dishes are baked. They might also traditionally have been made over a fire; methods vary. Dishes were, however, metal at this point, which allowed for higher heats and faster cooking."

He waved at the medieval-looking kitchen around them. "So, make your cakes and pies. Let me know if you have any questions."
sharp_man: (Default)
[personal profile] sharp_man
When the students arrived today, they would find a note on the door.

Apologies, but due to family commitments, I will not be able to attend today. There is a movie waiting for you, should you choose to stay. The moose assures me it will be appropriate.

The moose's definition of appropriate might be somewhat skewed.
sharp_man: (Default)
[personal profile] sharp_man
"Welcome back," Hannibal said. He was back being male again, and he hadn't even had a chance to wear all the clothing he'd bought in Paris! He was in a suit once more instead, and the Danger Shop had given them a large mud-brick house with stone ovens and bronze pots.

"Earlier, we worked with one Babylonian recipe; today, we will be completing another. The earliest known cookbook is from Babylon, and not strictly speaking a book, but a clay tablet dating to around four thousand years ago. It contains forty recipes, most of which are simple in ingredients but complex in instructions, which include only the order in which to add them, not measures or times. In this time and place, few could read and write; these recipes were likely an attempt to document haute cuisine rather than as instructions for daily cooking.

"Many meats are included in these recipes, most of which are still eaten today - beef, pork, fowl, and fish appear to have been popular. A number of grains, vegetables, and fruits are also important, along with herbs, dairy, and oils.

"Today, we will be making a wildfowl pie. The recipe reads:

Remove the head and feet. Open the body and clean the birds, reserving the gizzards and the pluck. Split the gizzards and clean them. Next rinse the birds and flatten them. Prepare a pot and put birds, gizzards and pluck into it before placing it on the fire.

Put the pot back on the fire. Rinse out a pot with fresh water. Place beaten milk into it and place it on the fire. Take the pot (containing the birds) and drain it. Cut off the inedible parts, then salt the rest, and add them to the vessel with the milk, to which you must add some fat. Also add some rue, which has already been stripped and cleaned. When it has come to a boil, add minced leek, garlic, samidu, and onion (but not too much onion).

Rinse crushed grain, then soften it in milk and add to it, as you knead it, salt, samidu, leeks, and garlic along with enough milk and oil so that a soft dough will result which you will expose to the heat of the fire for a moment. Then cut it into two pieces. Take a platter large enough to hold the birds. Place the prepared dough on the bottom of the plate. Be careful that it hangs over the rim of the platter only a little. Place it on top of the oven to cook it. On the dough which has already been seasoned, place the pieces of the birds as well as the gizzards and pluck. Cover it with the bread lid [which has meanwhile been baked] and send it to the table.


"As you can see, there are a number of things missing: do you initially cook the birds in water or in fat? What sort of birds are used? And there are also questions of translation. Fortunately, somebody has translated this into a modern recipe." He handed out tablets with the recipe on them.

"So, cook your foods, and as usual, please let me know if you have any questions."
sharp_man: (Default)
[personal profile] sharp_man
"Welcome." Today, class would step into a wooden house, brightly painted. "There are any number of ancient cuisines we could discuss once humans got the hang of further techniques. Today we will be making Babaofan - Eight Treasure Glutinous Rice - a Chinese food that has been documented from around 1000 BCE, or three thousand years ago.

"It is a type of congee, or rice porridge. Rice was first domesticated in China around ten thousand years ago, and has fed more people over a longer time than any other crop in human history. There are several legends as to how this particular dish came about, and it is still eaten today, mostly upon special occasions. Eight is a lucky number in Chinese culture. It is made from glutinous rice and a combination of eight "treasures", traditionally fruits and legumes. Some of the commonly used ones are dried dates, lotus seeds, candied plums, sweetened winter melon, red bean paste, assorted nuts, vegetables, meat, or potatoes. Since we're replicating the ancient foods as much as possible, we will be using ones that were most likely available then: lotus seed, red dates, longan, goji berries, winter melon, apricots, and lily bulbs. These are meant to balance tastes and medicinal properties - each ingredient has a different taste and different properties."

He waved to the wood-fired stoves awaiting them. "We will be cooking the rice and ingredients in pots, steaming and boiling. These were the earliest attested cooking methods; frying was not known until much later, when the materials in use allowed for higher heats. So, cook your food, and let me know if you have any questions; I will be making my own."
sharp_man: (Default)
[personal profile] sharp_man
Hannibal greeted the students in a comfortable-looking living room today.

"I apologize to you all, but my preparations for today became somewhat derailed by..." he stifled a sigh. "...Men with coconuts pretending to be horses." Honestly, Jono, your world was more insane than Fandom. "They were attacking the other school I teach at. We're still not entirely sure why, for once."

They hadn't seemed to harbor anti-mutant sentiments. They'd just been...ridiculous.

"Therefore today will be a movie day. this one comes highly recommended.

"By the way, should any of you have people visiting this weekend, I will be in my office and available for speaking with. If there is anything you would like me to tell them or avoid saying, please let me know ahead of time."
sharp_man: (Default)
[personal profile] sharp_man
When the students arrived today, they would find themselves in a large, fairly open cave. To one side, the stone had been excavated into an alcove and a fire built there. Hannibal stood, tending it with a poker that was distinctly not appropriate to any time prior to the last few centuries. There were limits to his willingness to embrace history.

"Welcome," he said to them, waving them toward logs to sit on that were surprisingly comfortable. "Once humans had mastered fire and learned to use it, they also began taming it. One of the first ways they did that was by using hearths. Broadly, a hearth is any area dedicated to having a fire in it, but more specifically, we're discussing the type that was bound by stone - or later, brick - and that allowed for other methods of cooking than simply putting the food directly on or in the fire."

He picked up a pair of anachronistic tongs and dug in the coals, pulling out a good-sized rock. "Once pottery was also invented, stones could be put in them to warm liquid food, making soups and stews easier, and making it possible to eat foods that took longer, slower processing. Agriculture was made more palatable, literally, particularly in some areas where limestone was used.

"Today, we will be cooking two things: zamzaganu, which comes to us from a Babylonian recipe, and beer, which is possibly more ancient in provenance." Don't get excited, kids. "There are plenty of stones for you to use to heat your water, and you will all have modern tongs to retrieve them with." Again, please try not to set yourselves on fire.

He waved them toward it. "Please ask if you have any questions."
sharp_man: (Default)
[personal profile] sharp_man
"Good morning and welcome back," Hannibal told the students once they were seated. The Danger Shop today looked like a grassy plain, forest bordering it on one side, and several good-sized firepits scattered around. He wandered as he spoke. "When we start with the history of cooked food, we should likely begin with why ancient humans would have wanted to cook their food. Cooking is as old as civilization, after all; human ancestors may have been cooking as far back as two million years ago, and there is evidence of it for at least half a million years.

"The earliest people were hunter-gatherers; that is, they did not grow their own vegetables or raise their own animals for food. They sought out what they needed from the area around them. At first, this would naturally have been raw plant materials and meat.

"However, food is easier to digest when cooked, and often more nutritious. There are theories that human brain capacity increased strongly once food began to be cooked. The first method of cooking was roasting, taking meat and placing it onto a stick and holding it over an open fire, or placing it in coals. Early cooked foods would most likely have been meats and root vegetables, along with nuts.

"Today, therefore, we will be making wild boar, scallop, and mushroom kebabs - if you choose to make this on your own later, pork would be an acceptable substitution - and acorn bread."

He pressed buttons on the console by the door and called up several tablets (iPads, not stone) with the recipes on them, which he handed out. "When you get to the step that says to leave the acorns for three days, call me over. I will ensure you have prepared it correctly to that point, and we will simply ask the room to speed things up. If you have questions at any time, please feel free to ask. Meanwhile, I have coffee and tea to share as we cook."

(Recipes from here, copied to Gdocs to avoid you having to scroll through the whole page.)
sharp_man: (Default)
[personal profile] sharp_man
Class would be meeting in the Danger Shop, but today it just looked like a well-appointed office, with plenty of chairs for everybody.

"Hello, and welcome to Cooking Through History," he told the class. "We will be learning many things about how humans have approached food and cooking throughout the years. There will be field trips involved, and you will also be cooking yourself. This week, however, is for introductions, so I would like to hear from each of you your name, your experience with any kinds of cooking, and also any allergies, aversions, or dietary restrictions you have."

He uncovered several large dishes on his desk.

"Today we will be eating my food. Testaroli, arguably the oldest known pasta, with olive oil and cheese, and peas, perhaps the oldest cultivated vegetable. Also beer, homemade, which is the oldest beverage for which we have recipes. And water for those of you who may choose not to drink it."

He brought out plates and silverware and waved them toward it. "Get your lunch, and introduce yourselves."
somethingwithturquoise: (brilliant!)
[personal profile] somethingwithturquoise
Summer knew she was taking a pretty big risk here. Some might say it was a stupid risk; others might claim it was better than she deserved. This class this session had been quite the ride. There had been uprisings; there had been claims of war crimes; even when she tried to throw them a bone and did something normal, things still got heated.

She really couldn't think of a better way to close out her brief stint as a Fandom High teacher, so, in a way, she supposed this was her gift to the poor saps who had to suffer through this class...and yet still kept coming back for more.

"Alright, you guys," she said, "this is our last class I think?, and it's going to be a good one. One of the things I've tried to embrace in this class is creativity, and that's what today is all about. Today, you guys are going to make the recipes. You have full range of the pantry, you can mamke whatever you want, and I will eat whatever you make. There are only two rules: 1) It must include bananas and 2) No inorganic or non-edible stuff. My stomach has been exposed to a lot of weird stuff, believe me, but I am still only human, okay? Feel free to ask for help if you need it, or help each other, but that's pretty much it. You'll have a certain amount of time to prepare, and then I'll try everyone's dishes. Is revenge a dish best served cold? I don't know. You tell me. Let's get started."

Ohhhh, she really, really hoped she didn't regret this, but, at the same time, if she didn't regret this? She was going to be terribly disappointed in these guys.


[[ ocd on the way is up! ]]
somethingwithturquoise: (*plushie)
[personal profile] somethingwithturquoise
Well, this was a little...troubling. Summer's class was already pretty wee-tiny, and through various circumstances (one, at least, she knew was thankfully not because of this wonderful, wonderful week), it was now literally as small as it could possibly one.

One student.

She had one student today, and that student was a robotic plush panther.

This was even a little much for her, and that said a lot, but, dammit, they were supposed to keep on acting normal, and so Summer was going to forge forward for appearances' sake, all the same.

"Well, today," she said, "I have some yellow banana scented Play-Doh, and we're going to make banana spaghetti. It's super easy and really fun, you just put the Play-Doh into the pasta maker, press down, and voila! That's all there is to it, and then you can go ahead and add whatever you like to it by...er..." She looked a moment at Shuri's paws. "Well, you'd normally shape the dough into whatever you want to add to your spaghetti, but...well....

"I don't know. Let's just make noodles, I guess."
somethingwithturquoise: (hulk the musical!)
[personal profile] somethingwithturquoise
Summer was definitely in a weird mood today, her brow pretty much permenantly knitted into a thoughtful furrow, as she was still trying to process a lot of thoughts and emotions about last night. If anything, she hoped this class could be a nice distraction, but, with how it had been going recently, she was just in no mood to deal with it.

"Today we're putting bananas in meatloaf," she told...warned?....them. "And if that's too much for anyone's delicate sensibilities," you're goddamn right she was looking right at you, Wayne, "well, then, I know you know how to find the door. This one's got to take some time to bake, though, so we're just going to get right into it."

[[ so the ocd is on the way up! have at it! ]]
somethingwithturquoise: (happy chatting)
[personal profile] somethingwithturquoise
A pixelated Summer stood in front of a pixelated kitchen with a bounty of pixelated bananas before her on the counter, with....sort of..a pixelated grin on her face. "Hey, everyone," she started, once she figured anyone who was going to make it all the way up to their mushroom-lifted school, like, what?, was there. Apparently, everything being on tall mushrooms wasn't going to stop her from teaching a class. Getting up here had been a good test of the work she'd been doing on that spaceship.

"So, this class, as you know, was designed to highlight the versitility of the banana, but this week is really highlighting the fact that one of the great things about the banana is that, no matter what the res on your reality may be, it's still pretty easy to pick a banana out as a banana, thanks to its bright color and distinct shape.

"The same," she continued, a bit wryly, "can't be said for other foodstuffs. And while it is tempting to just whip something up with bananas and mushrooms, which seems to be the staple foodstuff in this particular reality, we've all got enough stuff to deal with this week, so we're just going to stick with a classic that exists in mostly basic shapes and colors: banana split sundaes."

Actual food you can enjoy eating! Unless, she supposed, you were lactose-intolerant, which she should have thought about since she was, apparently, last week, but whatever.

"It's pretty easy. Cut your banana lengthwise so it can sit nicely in your little ice cream dish, pick out a few scoops of very obviously ice cream onto it, maybe drizzle with hot fudge, add some nuts and sprinkles, which you can mostly identify as such even without detail, I've even got whipped cream and cherries for you guys. Make it looks much like a sundae as you can, and then that's it. Chill out and enjoy them as long as you want for the rest of class, unless you're eager to get back out there and jump on platforms, I don't know, I won't judge. Any questions?"
somethingwithturquoise: (red solo cup pleased)
[personal profile] somethingwithturquoise
"Good morning, everyone!" Unfortunately, it would seem that Summer was feeling very much herself at the moment, and the classroom was very much the same usual classroom for now, and there were bananas and cans and tins and iceberg lettuce at all the stations, so hopefully that should be cause for concern. "Now, this week has been all over the place, so who knows what's going to happen five minutes from now, or halfway through class or anything, really, so I decided to keep it nice and simple today. A little soup and salad, a good banana-balanced meal."

Her smile may have been simple and sweet, but those eyes were downright demonic.

"I know you'll just be itching to serve the banana sardine boats and delicious cream of banana soup to all your friends, so let's get started."

[[ ocd is on the way up! ]]
somethingwithturquoise: (just so happy right now)
[personal profile] somethingwithturquoise
"Hey, guys," Summer greeted her students with that usual smile that was half-apology, half-pure evil, once they were all gathered in the classroom and ready to be completely horrified, but at least this one would have no unfortunate sexually suggestive connotations?

Hopefully. If it did, Summer would be convinced that that said far more about you than it did the recipe itself.

"Today, we're making a dish that could have included a very useful thing, because I feel like hollandaise is the sort of sauce that any chef should know. And we could be doing something really cool and learning how to make our own, but that's not what the receipe calls for. I mean, why would you even want to make your own hollandaise when you've got these nice convenient little packets to make it from, hmm? And if you're familiar with hollandaise and feeling a little scared that it's being brought up in a class about bananas, GOOD. And if you don't know what it is, well, then, you're clearly in for a treat, because today, we're definitely making ham and banana hollandaise. Please note, there are napkins at all of your stations, since i can tell your mouths are already watering. Let's get started!"

[[ and the ocd is on the way! up and the thought of hollandaise only made me gag ONCE! ]]
somethingwithturquoise: (just so happy right now)
[personal profile] somethingwithturquoise
"Soooooo," said Summer, once everyone was there in the home ec room and it was time for class to begin, "last week was kind of a bust, huh? Most of you were gone because of goblinnapping or peaches, I'm assuming, and I was a weird furry creature that tried to take Wayne's head. Sorry about that, Wayne. Now, I can't guarantee that I'll never try to remove your head in future classes, but I can guarantee I will not try to remove your head in today's class."

So that was reassuring, right?

"Either way, things are somewhat normal this week, at least during the day, so we can get started in earnest. Because there is literally a whole book from the '70s called Be Bold with Bananas that is every bit as awful and terrible as it sounds to get through, and we do not have a lot of time to do it.

"So, to those of you returning to my kitchen," HIII SHURRRIIII, "welcome back, and I'm sorry. And for those of you who are new....welcome. And I'm sorry. I hope you come out of this never looking at food the same way again, but, if not? Well, I'm sure Dr. Lecter would love some new patients, and I'm sure you'd be a shoe-in."

All said with the utmost love, of course.

"Without further ado, then, we're going to start out with something simple, but don't let the simpicity fool you. This one's pretty bad. I mean, whose mouth doesn't just start to water at the words 'banana candle? Let's get started.

[[ ocd is up, y'all! ]]
somethingwithturquoise: (*firey summer)
[personal profile] somethingwithturquoise
Well, ther was a redhead ready to teach a class about cooking today.

It just wasn't exactly the redhead everyone was expecting. It wasn't like she knew that, and, sure, the Labyrinth had just finished taking over the island and everything, but Summer wasn't going to let any of that stop her from teaching her very important class on Fire Gang cooking.

Which was pretty simple, actually. And a bit more horrifying than what they'd usually be doing in her class, if you could believe it.

Cut for Shameless Removing of Limbs and Heads. )

"Come on then," said Summer's firey head from inside the cook pot, "the soup's not gonna make itself!"

[[and it's open!]]
somethingwithturquoise: (existential crisis yo)
[personal profile] somethingwithturquoise
It took a lot for Summer to actually get herself out of bed that morning, because she was not feeling great, and in addition to those spots she noticed getting itchier and bigger, her head felt like it had been run over by a mack truck and then set on fire. So that was fun! And whatever bug she caught, she really, really hoped it was just a quick thing because tomorrow was supposed to be her birthday party, but this was Fandom, yeah freakin' right, maybe she should just cancel the thing right now, because there was no way someone just got a twenty-four hour flu and that was it around here.

She wanted to just stay home and rest up and try to get better before tomorrow, but it was the last class of the semester, she couldn't miss that, but as soon as she was done delivering her final disgusting monstrosity (and it was a doozy; if these students didn't hate her already, she was pretty sure this would do the trick, and there was no chance in hell she was seeing any of them next session, which was a shame, because she did like them, despite the food), she was going home, grabbing all the cold medicine she could off the shelves at T&C, and hiding under a blanket for the rest of the day.

"Okay, guys," she said, with not quite her usual cheer, but she tried, dammit, "this is the last one and then you're free of my cullinary tyrany. It's an easy one, but, man, is it a doozy, involving flavor packets, processed meat, and aeresol cheese. Today....we make bolonga cake."

And weep. Weep for all eternity.

[[ ocd on the way is up! ]]
somethingwithturquoise: (just so happy right now)
[personal profile] somethingwithturquoise
Hopefully, the students received Summer's message about meeting in the Danger Shop for class that week, and if they showed up, she'd actually feel a little surprised and a little honored because it would have just been that easy to just claim they hadn't received any message at all, they were at the normal classroom, really....because that's likely what she might have done in those circumstances.

Anyway, the Danger Shop was set up exactly like their usual classroom, so, y'know.

"Hey, guys," Summer started, "it's slim pickings out there right now, so I decided it would pretty much be a crime against humanity to take what little there was out there and use it for the monstrosities we create here. I mean, we could, I had some really great ideas for what we could do with canned fake meat and Spaghetti-Os, but people might actually want to eat that stuff this week, but not with what we'd be doing to it. So we turn to the Danger Shop, where our options might not be real, but they're endless, so there's always that.

"But...." She paused dramatically. "Even with the endless possibilities, we're still making what we would have made if we decided to be dicks and use up some of our current, actual resources, to show that, really, even when times are hard, you can still make fantastically bad food. To your stations, everyone! And prepare yourself for the stuffed crown roast of frankfurters!"

[[ and wait for the OCD is up! ]]
somethingwithturquoise: (happy chatting)
[personal profile] somethingwithturquoise
"Good morning, everyone!" Summer greeted the class in her usual brightly maniacle way, for another great class of horrible food crimes. "I don't know how you're all feeling, but it's nice to have some good, decent, normal food on the island again, isn't it? I mean, we're still going to be pretty much making things out of the worst things ever, but it's nice having options, isn't it?

"Anyway, I was talking with my cat yesterday," and she was delighted with how literal that was, yes, especially since Pancakes did not at all seem to have any qualms about being spayed, unlike her last pet that had gain verbal communication skills, "about what we could do in class today, and she made it very clear that I should, under no circumstances, bastardize and ruin tuna for her."

Pause.

"So of course we're going to bastardize and ruin tuna for her. It's as good a time as any to pull out the old Pirate's Pie, so named, I think, because it'll make anyone it's served to voluntarily walk the plank. Let's get started!"

[[ocd incoming! is up! ]]
somethingwithturquoise: (brilliant!)
[personal profile] somethingwithturquoise
It should be noted that Summer did not find anything wrong with any of this; Summer was quite in her element and had been for quite some time, so she didn't think anything at all about her usual trip down into the vault into the charmingly dingy and kitchy home economics classroom, where she'd fit right in with her little gingham-inspired dress that she wore not because of some outdated perception of gender roles in society because clearly patriarchial and mysonginstic expectations were much easier to break down when society as you knew it had been completely dismantled and disrupted, but because it was super cute and thematic and she appreciated the juxtoposition between the roughness of her hunter's battle scars and primness of the dress. Don't even come at her right now.

Not for the dress, anyway. For the food, however...

"Guess what, guys!" she greeted the class brightly, excitedly, which was never a good sign. "We've got fresh meat today!" No, she wasn't going to tell you exactly what the meat was; no, you probably didn't want to know. "I also managed to scrounge up some fresh veg, so today's masterpiece is going to be as bomb as the warhead in the park! We're going to keep it simple, though, with a nice jellied meat mold, so I cannot express enough: presentation is key today if you really want to stand out. To your stations, everyone, and we'll get started!"

[[ ocd is...up! go forth with your horrible creations! ]]
somethingwithturquoise: (explaining arms)
[personal profile] somethingwithturquoise
Was Summer pretty stoked that the recipe she had in mind for this week could in a way be considered thematic to the flooding outside? Maaaaaybe. She had considered picking something that was a little more in tune with all the water, but, nah. This one was perfect. Just enough of the sea in it to tie things in without being super obvious and hitting you over the head with it. Because there were about a million jello-related casseroles that involved criminal amounts of canned tuna and mayonnaise that she could whip out, but that would just be expected.

This, however, she was pretty sure no one would see coming.

"Morning, everyone!" she greeted the class brightly. "I regret to inform you all that, out of all the places being flooded over right now, this kitchen is not one of them, and so, lucky you guys! You get to make another awesomely bad recipe, this one from the '60s, that I'm sure you're all going to enjoy. It doesn't even involve gelatin and it's not something trying to masquarade as some other food, either. Nope, this is unabashedly and proudly its own horrible monster. It's...."

She dramatically removed the clouche on the dish on the counter in front of her so they could peer upon its awesome glory.

"Prawn Stuffed Apples! Let's get started, shall we?"

[[ and wait for the OCD is up! please! thank you! ]]
somethingwithturquoise: (mmm fruit)
[personal profile] somethingwithturquoise
"Hey, guys!" Summer greeted the class brightly, far too brightly for the evil she was about to unleash upon them, really, and that's why, in almost all of her alternate universe selves, she was the worst. "Hope the whole 'dropped into an amalgamation of various prehistoric possibilities' thing going on outside isn't throwing too many of you off; if it is, and you need to talk about it, though, I'm here, I get how it can be. But, for now, let's forget about all that because today, we're going to finally start cooking!

"Well," she amended, her smile far too viscious to be truly apologetic, "there's actually not a whole lot of cooking involved in this one. We'll start you out light. Today we're making Liver Sausage Pineapple."

Why, yes, those were the words that Summer meant to put togehter like that! And now she was displaying for you exactly what those words put together like that meant.

"Beautiful," she said, "isn't it? So, follow along with me through the recipe. Don't hesitate to ask any questions, unless your question is 'why are we making this?' Because that is a question that has no good answer, sorry not sorry.

"Let's get started!"


[[ please wait for the OCD is up! ]]
somethingwithturquoise: (brilliant!)
[personal profile] somethingwithturquoise
As absolutely hilarious as Summer found it to set the Danger Shop to be just a normal classroom or the most mundane things, this time around, her class would be meeting almost exclusively in just the boring old normal cooking classroom. They weren't doing anything fancy here; one might argue that what they were doing was precisely the opposite of fancy.

And since she only had three students (something that sort of was a relief to her, since it was her first solo venture as a teacher at the school, and if she got overwhelmed with three students, she better just stick to shopkeeping), it didn't take long for her figure out when everyone was there and it was time to get started.

"Hey, everyone," she greeted them with a faint smile, leaning comfortably on one of the counters once they came in. "Welcome to the Mid-Century Cookbook. I'm your teacher, Summer. If the whole casual thing with your teachers is kind of weird for you, that's fine, Ms. Smith will do, but just know that that's kind of weird for me." Especially since she was probably only just a few years older than all of you, if that. "But I'll deal. This course, which could also loosely be called 'Weird White People Food,' is sort of half-cooking class, half-history lesson, since we'll be focusing on a very particularly odd period of Americana that put out some real head-scratchers for food. And I've been to a dimension where they put flies in ice cream and another one where there's a cereal made out of eyeholes," not to mention that whole cannibal period, "so, I'm kind of an expert on weird food.

"Since it's the first week, we're not going to be diving into any recipes quite yet. I want to know who you are, first, but since there's not that many of you, that won't take too long. And then I'm going to introduce you to some elements that'll be cropping up frequently in these recipes and some of the more simple examples of what you'd find in a mid-century cookbook. This is an era where America was riding a post-World War Two high, there were all sorts of developments in refrigeration and microwave technology and food preservation that just sort of sparked this whole idea that processed meats were the total shit and everyone had to have them. Plus, you've got the rise of televsion in this era, leading to more branding, marketing, and advertising that helped support the idea that if you weren't serving some form of disgusting jello mold at your cocktail party, then why were you even bothering to have a cocktail party?

"It was a weird period of time. I assume. I've never really been there, but I find it weirdly fascinating. And if anyone's wondering how I wound up like this, just go talk to Dr. Lecter for a little bit, then go talk to Captain Rogers, put that together, and there you go."

Why, yes, she was calling you out for the source of her weird obsession, gentlemen. She had receipts.

"Before we get to the real fun stuff, I'd like us to all go around and introduce ourselves. Let me know your name, where you're coming from, if you've got any cooking experience...that's kind of important, I guess, if we're going to jump right in and here you've never seen seen a KitchenAid before....and then your favorite food and your least favorite food, if you can think of one. And then onto some samples. And I will say this: unlike some other food-focused teachers in the school, I actually encourage you to be completely grossed out and disgusted about any of this stuff and to be very vocal about it if you feel so inclined. As a matter of fact, this class is going to be recorded for research and Instagram purposes, but if any of you have an issue with that, please, please let me know because I, like, totally want to one-hundred-and-ten percent want to respect your privacy.

"Okay! So let's get started!"

[[ ocd incoming! up! ]]
sharp_man: (Default)
[personal profile] sharp_man
"If you have been paying attention to the calendar," Hannibal said as the students sat, "you will know that today is your final exam."

He sat in a comfortable chair at his station. "So, cook me something. The more of our lessons you use, the greater your score. If you have any questions, please ask."
sharp_man: (Default)
[personal profile] sharp_man
"Today," Hannibal said, "I hope you are ready to exercise your creativity. We have worked with gelatin, and we have covered cutting techniques and working with tools. Today, we make gelatin art.

He showed them a finished cake, then the tools. "This is more sculpture than culinary art, but presentation and art can be a large part of any meal." He brought out a clear cake that looked much like a larger version of their raindrop cakes and demonstrated how to make several of the flowers.

"We have enough cakes here, large and small, for everybody to practice on several, and the proper dyes to make any color you like. If you have questions or need help, please ask. Otherwise, enjoy."


(Hannibal's cake comes from here. This guy's stuff looks awesome.)
sharp_man: (Default)
[personal profile] sharp_man
Class had been handwaily advised to meet at Portalocity, and Hannibal greeted the students when they arrive with a smile that was a bit more predatory than usual.

"Today was to have been a special opportunity for...well, it would involve many sharp objects and careful concentration. Suffice it to say, we will have to put it off to next week."

Because Fandom.

"So, this week we're taking another field trip. I hope it will prove interesting." And hopefully a bit of a relief.

He led them through the portal and to Tennessee. "We will be touring several farms, and they will offer gourmet food. Please, enjoy."

Hannibal would try not to fiddle with the scalpel in his pocket too much.
sharp_man: (Default)
[personal profile] sharp_man
When the students arrived to class today, they would find two things:

A box containing neat little packages of multicolored (and flavored) syrups, enough for everyone.

A note:

Since we don't get this opportunity often, I intend to go skiing. I suggest you do the same. And if you like, create snow-cones with the snow. Enjoy, and practice your gelatin work!


Blame it on a teacher who went to school in France. Today was a skiing day!
sharp_man: (Default)
[personal profile] sharp_man
Today class was back in the Danger Shop with their cooking stations, and each one was outfitted with an assortment of gelatin types, food colorings, small knives and spatulas, along with...syringes?

Hannibal smirked. "Today, we return to gelled things, and we learn about agar." He showed them a number of flakes. "We will be making raindrop cakes. They are deceptively simple in concept, but you will want to ensure you get the mixture and procedure correct so that it stays together. I have enabled us to cheat by using this room to generate a refrigeration unit that will quarter the time it will take to set the cakes. Once you have the basic concept down, you will find a number of moddable mix-ins at your stations, and can work at using them for added flavor and color."

He demonstrated the proper way to dissolve and mix the agar, then waved them toward their stations. "Please ask if you have any questions."
sharp_man: (Default)
[personal profile] sharp_man
This week, the class had received handwavy e-mail messages to meet at Portalocity. When they got there, Hannibal greeted them and handed out a list of fruits and vegetables. "Today, we will be covering selecting good produce. The first lesson to buying decent fruits and vegetables is, whenever possible, to buy things which are organic, grown locally, and currently in season. It's healthier and tastes much better. That said, I realize that you may not always have that option. There are some foods that buying organic is more important for than others, due to the amount of chemicals they retain or the types used."

He nodded at the paper. "In addition, as you will see, there are certain times in Baltimore during which very little is in season. Therefore, we will be traveling to Baltimore in August, so as to actually find something more than apples."

He held up the list. "I've included some simple reminders about how to choose the best of each; I will go into more detail once we arrive, and feel free to take notes. As our class activity today, instead of cooking, you will be choosing your own produce to bring back from a local farmers' market. At this particular market, most things are grown organically, and should be marked as such. Stay close and pay attention while I orient you, and then find the produce I assign."

He smirked. "It's in your best interest to perform well; once you've completed the assignment, you are welcome to relax in the August weather. If you need help, I will be pleased to answer any questions. You may also ask the farmers, but please remember that we aren't on the island; they may not be used to much strangeness."

He waited to see if there were any current questions, then nodded them through the portal.

"I would like you each to pick out one head of spinach, one bunch of grapes, one eggplant, several tomatoes, a few onions, several apples, a couple of parsnips, and one other item of your choice."

When you've all chosen your produce, Hannibal will grade you on your choices, and then you can all relax in the August sun!

He'll let you taste what you chose, what he chose, and some of the same items of produce he picked at random from the non-organic, non-local supermarket. (Feel free to not taste a difference and make him feel sorry for you!)
sharp_man: (Default)
[personal profile] sharp_man

Class was back in the Danger Shop today, and it was once again set up with cooking stations. "Good morning," Hannibal said once everyone was there. "Last week, we learned about cuts of meat, and we have already discussed the importance of a good knife."


He picked up one of his own knives. "But there are techniques to using them. It is more complicated and elegant than simply hitting things with them. The key is control of your tools, something that will come into play in a future class."


Hannibal playing with knives

Cutting Techniques )
sharp_man: (Default)
[personal profile] sharp_man
The class met this week at Portalocity again, this time to head out to a local butcher's shop with attached restaurant.

"In future, we will be discussing how to cut meat," Hannibal began, "but there are any number of different meats you may encounter. Different cuts of different animals are useful for different things, and it's important to know how to make the most of them. And even given the overall qualities of a species, the flavor and texture of meat on an animal varies depending upon which part of the body it comes from. Also, different strains of species have different flavors, and their diet can make a very large difference." As did their frame of mind upon death, but that tended to distress people.

He led them toward the butchery to one side of the building. "I have arranged for the butchers to show you the various cuts of beef, pork, and lamb; where on the carcass they come from; and how to acquire them should you be performing your own butchery. Then we'll be moving to the dining room; it's an open kitchen, and the staff have" after some very good persuasion "graciously allowed me to step behind the counter with them, so that we can show you how the various cuts cook up. There won't be time for you to cook yourselves today, but we'll be feeding you. Provided you pay attention while we work." This was still, after all, a class.
sharp_man: (Default)
[personal profile] sharp_man
"Last week, we began working with gelatin," Hannibal said when everybody met him at Portalocity. "We will work a bit further with it in future, but this week, we shall be working with something else interesting and topical - chocolate. And because there is only so much to teach about it without seeing where it comes from, we will have another field trip."

He waved them through the portal - to Maison Cailler.

"Welcome to Broc, Switzerland. Maison Cailler is Switzerland's oldest brand, and considered by many to be the original home of milk chocolate. We will have a tour here, followed by a class taught by one of their chocolatiers. It will last several hours, but I've arranged portals so you won't miss the rest of the day back home, either. So, please enjoy the history, smells, and tastes of chocolate, pay attention in the class, and then we'll have some time in their store before we head back to the island."
stickitupmyjinx: (Default)
[personal profile] stickitupmyjinx
There was a jar of spaghetti sauce and a box of spaghetti noodles waiting for the class today. So, maybe they'd be making crepes.

Jk, it was spaghetti.

"Sorry for last week, hungover, blah blah blah," Deadpool said, glossing over missing class post-Super Bowl. As one does. "But today is pasta time! Who doesn't love a bowl full of carbs?"

"Pasta is super easy!" Vanessa assured the class. "Just cook it according to the package instructions, heat up your sauce, combine, boom, you're done. Maybe add some cheese." She held up a green can. You know the one. "Or if you want to get fancy you can like, saute and add some meat or other veggies. And then you've got a meal people will consider pretty legit, and you barely did anything. Win/win." Vanessa might cook a lot of pasta when not ordering takeout. "We've got an assortment of options and all kinds of shapes of pasta to choose from, so get to work!"

Should she have explained sauteing to them? They'd probably figure it out, right?
sharp_man: (Default)
[personal profile] sharp_man
"We have quite a bit to do today, so I will begin quickly," Hannibal said, "but I hope you won't mind. There is quite a bit to learn if you intend to work with gelatin."

He would pause here for the squeals of delight if needed.

"We will begin with something fairly forgiving, for gelatin - marshmallows."

Did he need to pause again?

"But there are still quite a few techniques to cover in order to make them. Dissolving the gelatin, cooking a candy mixture to a specific temperature, and carefully mixing different substances. Once we've completed all of that, they will have to sit for several hours in order to gel, so you will have to take them with you and cut them later. I will demonstrate that as well."

He went over the recipe carefully, and had several flavors of extract and colors to work with. His were lavender and honey, with a subtle light purple swirl pattern in them. He'd made hot chocolate to go with them.

"Any questions?"
sharp_man: (Default)
[personal profile] sharp_man
Class had been handwavily asked to meet at Portalocity today, and Hannibal smiled at the students when they arrived. "Good morning. There are several field trips we may take this semester, to experience first-hand some things that might benefit from it."

He paused. "If any of you have difficulties with green light, I suggest you don sunglasses before we embark." He wasn't particularly fond of this world's sun, but the people at the store were very friendly and helpful.

Once anybody who wanted to had put on their glasses, Hannibal waved them through the portal )
sharp_man: (Default)
[personal profile] sharp_man
When the students arrived today, Hannibal nodded and waved them over to his counter at the front.

"We'll be discussing a number of sauces and techniques later in the semester, and you will need to know some techniques before we begin on them. The first is called a roux. A roux is flour and salt cooked together; it can be used as a base for some recipes, and some of the techniques it uses will help with others, such as gravy or," he smirked at Summer, "gelatin."

"Our roux starts with clarified butter." He put a square block of butter into a small pot and began heating it. "Standard butter consists of butterfat, milk solids, and water. Clarifying it removes the water and milk solids. Clarified butter can get much hotter without burning, which makes it very good for frying." He demonstrated how to skim the butter as it cooked, leaving only the part they wanted.

"Once we have our clarified butter, we can start on the rest of the roux. A good roux is essential to many sauces. It helps to thicken them and adds some flavor. It's important not to burn it, and to make sure that the fat and the flour mix evenly." He showed how to finish making it.

"After that, the next challenge you face with any sauce, particularly as a beginner, is avoiding lumps. You must add the liquids slowly, and it helps if they're cold. If you add them too quickly, or too much at once, it won't be pretty."

After he'd demonstrated the proper technique, he nodded to them. "Today we'll be making a béchamel sauce, and you'll be clarifying your own butter and making the roux. Please let me know if you have any questions."
sharp_man: (Default)
[personal profile] sharp_man
"Today," Hannibal announced to the students, "we're going to discuss measuring. When following recipes, it's important to measure correctly. Dry ingredients and wet ingredients are measured differently."

He discussed how the most common items are measured, then presented them all with a simple recipe. "Today, you are each going to make a batch of these cookies. We will discuss each step as we go through it - how to properly position the oven racks and pre-heat it, how to measure everything, and how to cook them. Please ask for any additional help you may need."
sharp_man: (Default)
[personal profile] sharp_man
Hannibal smiled at the students as they settled in. The Danger Shop today had been arranged into separate cooking stations for each student. "Hello. This is how I will typically have the place arranged when we are cooking. Since some of you may not be familiar with the sorts of equipment in use in this time and place, please feel free to ask if you have questions. For today, we will start with the stove."

He turned on the one at the front of the room. "You may find electrical ones as well, but I prefer gas, like this. It means more immediate heat, a finer control over the degree of heat, and more even heating." He smiled. "And fire translates better to other times and places than electricity, I find."

He held up a pot. “To begin the class's theme of simple yet complex tasks, we'll start with something deceptively complex. Boiling water.” He motioned them toward his cooking station. “Gather around, please. First, you should always begin with cold water. It will take longer, but it will taste less like pipes and water heater. Filtered is best, if you can get it, both for taste and for exactness of temperature." He filled it from the filtered faucet nearby. "Now, there are several types of cooking you may see referred to, and it's important you know the difference: a simmer, a slow boil, and a rolling boil. The best way to achieve and maintain each depends upon your tools and what you are using them for.”

He explained the differences, plus the relative sizes of pot that should be used, how to adequately work a gas stove (and how to make do with electric if necessary), and the benefits of boiling before simmering versus not.

“Today we will be making pasta. It’s a simple food that can be made more complex depending upon what you do with it. And how you boil it does make a difference.” He showed them overcooked, doughy pasta; undercooked, crunchy pasta; pasta that had been stuck together from not enough room in the pot; and pasta cooked correctly. “I prefer fresh myself, but dried is easier to find these days for most people, so that's what you're most likely to use and what you’ll find at your stations." He nodded to them.


"You will also find a number of simple recipes to try, or you may invent your own. Please ask for help if you like. When you’ve all finished, we’ll discuss what you've learned.” He smiled and waved them toward their individual setups. "Whatever you make, you may take with you. Meanwhile, you may eat what I've made using these same techniques. Please do concentrate on your cooking, however."

He raised a hand. "Also, I have no teaching assistant, so if you would be interested, please let me know."
sharp_man: (Default)
[personal profile] sharp_man
"Hello to you all," Hannibal said when all the studensts were there. "This is Beginning Gourmet Cooking Techniques, and I am Doctor Hannibal Lecter. Welcome to a new semester. In class this term, we will be discussing a wide variety of things, from boiling water to managing a good sauce. For starters, however, today is for introductions. If each of you would, please, let us know your name, your prior experience with cooking, one thing you hope to learn from this class, and any allergies or sensitivities that you may have."

He gestured at the table next to him. "Also, I invite you all to eat." There were coffee, tea, and thick, homemade hot chocolate, along with hot sandwiches: spiced lamb patties with nutty garlic sauce, and cranberry grilled cheese.

"So." He nodded at the first student. "Begin."
[identity profile] simply2ndnature.livejournal.com

The classroom was full to bursting. Every ingredient, every machine from the entire semester, was draped, crammed or set up somewhere. The soda dispensers glowed and bubbled, the scent of chocolate was in the air, and pancakes once again were raining from the ceiling.

Usually, this sort of mess would have Wonka bouncing off the walls, perhaps even literally. But he was perched on the teaching stool from the first day, smiling serenely.

Finally, finals. )
[identity profile] simply2ndnature.livejournal.com

At the head of the classroom, Wonka had a large pot of thick, rich chocolate melting.

Read more... )

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