Fandom High School

"This is the last week of the session, right? Or is that next week?" James asked in case somebody paid better attention to things like calendars than him. "Well, if it's this week, then I'm sending you out into the world with a treat. Nicolas Cage once again, this time in his magnum opus, meta for The Wicker Man."

"Watch as he - the hero - beats up several women, one time while dressed as a bear! Be amazed by how he steals masks right off the faces of children! Wonder how the hell he got paid actual money to act like that when the director told him to pretend that he was being killed or tortured or whatever with bees to the face. I'm pretty sure any of you could do better than 'NOT THE BEES!'"

"It's garbage and it's wonderful and have fun, especially since if we do have a workshop next week, I'm out of fun bad movies and you're gonna get the worst thing I can torrent."

"You know what's bad?" James asked the class. Without waiting for an answer, he said, "Drugs."

"...Yeah, yeah, I know, stay with me here. You know what else is bad? Bad science. Also, movies with Bradley Cooper. Just that guy's voice gets to me. Ugh," James said, since if he was going to be in a movie, it would be for Sony. "But sometimes if you take all three and mash them together, you get something dumb enough to be kind of entertaining."

"But just so we're all on the same page, we don't use 10% of our brains and if you ever claim that, have somebody slap you in the head since it's 90% empty and you're apparently not going to lose anything important according to you."

"Okay, let's watch the movie."

"I'm going to be honest with you guys for a minute," James said, which may have been a weird way to start a bad movie class. "I think I've been taking it easy on you. I think we need to step it up this week and if you make it to next week, maybe you'll get a reward."

"So this week, we're watching don't really need a meta for this because no one would EVER app someone from The Oogieloves in the Big Balloon Adventure. You know how that name makes it sound like if you had a kid you might know what the hell an Oogielove is? You wouldn't. They were made up for this movie by people hoping to make the new most horrible marketable thing in the world, and they failed, and their failure is hilarious."

"So beyond the fact that the movie's going to make your brains melt and dribble out of your ears, the people who made this crap wanted kids to interact with it. So the Oogieloves are going to tell you to sing and dance and answer questions and crap," James said. "And yes, I expect you to do whatever the movie tells you to do. Anyone who keeps it up for the whole movie will get five dollars from me as a reward. I can't tell you to buy booze with it, but I will say that it's what I would do."

"So, let's start this fucking balloon adventure!"

"Welcome to the best workshop you're going to have this summer," James said from his spot in the front of the Danger Shop. The thing looked like a movie theater, as you might expect. One of those fancy theaters with the reclining leather seats and 1.5 times too many cup holders. "We're gonna watch bad movies and you're gonna enjoy them because we can easily go from good-bad movies to bad-bad movies. Popcorn and drinks are free, but they're also not real, so there's no point trying to eat it. It won't fill you up."

"You," James said, pointing at someone randomly, "say your name really fast and what your favorite Nicolas Cage movie is. If you don't have one, run one lap around the room, then sit down. That'll teach you."

"For the record, I'm Professor Sanders, my favorite Cage movie is meta for Con Air, and *PEW* I just ran a lap anyway. Now hurry up so I can forget who you are and we can watch Con Air."