Fandom High School

Your teacher had Christmas lights wrapped around him like a festive, murderous Santa Claus. Because that was normal.

"So, this place is fucking crazy," he said, gesturing broadly toward his decorations. Another strand was creeping up the desk toward him as he did so. "And I swear to god, I'm going to cut something if it doesn't get its shit together."

The strand wisely retreated.

"So, some of your holidays are over and some are coming up. And fuck 'em. No one likes the holidays for anything other than a reason to get drunk. " And bang. "And that. But if they say otherwise, they're lying their ass off. Got it? Good."

He certainly had some opinions on the matter. And this was his vehicle for voicing them.

"Okay," Deadpool said, clapping his hands together. "So, now you kids will be doing more wedding grunt work so I can avoid it. Florists. I need a good one. And no fucking poinsettias. Those little bastards can rot in hell for all I care. I'm thinking more roses, less cost. Get going."

Deadpool was wearing a costume over his... normal costume. It was a sexy pizza slice. Which was the superior sexy costume, everyone knew that.

He also had a bowl of candy. As one does.

"And you're back! Maybe. I'm not allowed to 'mod' things anymore," he said, doing the finger quotes to go with it. "Because it's 'rude' and 'ruins the game'."

Pfft. He was a delight.

"If anyone actually egged someone or something, you get candy. If not, you get a disappointed look." He shook the bowl of candy to make it all the more tempting.

Once that was taken care of, he had a class he should teach. Or something. "Mostly something. So, the election is next week and we're all worried about the future if this country. Well, I'm only a little worried, because my Prime Minister is Justin Trudeau and I have dual citizenship. Or I did at one point. I don't know, there's probably a retcon." That sure made sense to the kids. "But back on the topic. We're gonna do America proud by playing a game called 'vandalize all the political signs you see'. Now, you may have to play this on the mainland, but if you bring back proof, you get more candy. And some beer. But if anyone asks, you stole it. Cool? Cool. I'm a great teacher."

Class today featured one Pumpkin Spice Frappuccino on the desk. Just sitting there. Lonely.

"So, today was going to be about how awesome alcoholism is for dealing with your issues, but apparently that's a bad thing," Deadpool said, clearly not buying that one. "Everyone knows the rowdy drunk guy is a favorite at parties! And on the street. And harassing people in the bathroom."

Waaaait a minute...

"Oh, look, I've learned a lesson and shared it with you. Keep your alcoholism, like your shameful addiction to Kitchen Nightmare, in the privacy of your own home. End of story."

No one had actually learned anything from that, but cool. Cool cool cool.

"Free drink for whoever can get me an actual drink before class is over," he said cheerfully. "And if you're confused about what I mean, you've already failed the test. There will be no Robin Williams moment here. You suck. And it is your fault."

Hey, look at that, kids! Your teacher was here this week. Aren't you happy? No? Well. Shut up. He didn't need your approval!

"I have no idea if any of you guys showed up last week and I don't know if I care enough to check the post, so... you all get an A for the day." He fanned his fingers out by his face. "Yaaaaaaaay."

Before he could say more, there was a knock on the classroom door. "Hold that thought," he said, going over to reveal a stack of pizzas and what was pressumably the delivery guy behind them.

"Delivery for Brian Littrell?"

"You found him!" Deadpool said, snatching the boxes to put on random desks nearest to the door. "Make sure you take a nice tip off the card. You've earned it, buddy."

Unaccustomed to being tipped or having someone actually order a large amount of food out of their own volition, the delivery guy fled before it could be taken back. Poor guy.

"Man, I love NPCs. And stolen credit cards," Deadpool sighed, taking his own pizza back to his desk. Sorry not sorry, random cop living next to him. "Today's lesson is on eating your problems away. So, enjoy the meal. You all owe me now. No takebacks."