Fandom High School

Today was the last class before exams AND no one had been horribly maimed so far this semester! As far as the teachers knew! It was time to celebrate, right?

Wrong! Sam Eagle would not stand for premature celebrations! “Today,” he said, “in preparation for whatever horrors Beaker may inflict upon us next week for your final exam, we shall be learning about fire safety! It is my hope that you all survive said exam!”

Beaker was not listening to Sam! He was too busy getting the herd? Gaggle? Committee? of Muppet chickens into the Danger Shop. They looked very snazzy in their fire hats, didn't they?

“I do not recall requesting chickens,” the eagle groused. “I requested firefighters!”

"Meep meep meep!" Beaker said as fire hoses unfurled dramatically from the ceiling. Of course there was going to be a final song and dance number, Sam. Have you ever Muppet-ed?

Sam had been Muppet-ing for decades, how very dare! “This is no way to learn anything! This is all frivolous nonsense!” Especially the chicken kick line.

They'd worked hard on those kicks, Sam! "Meep meep meep meep!" Beaker countered, wheeling in a cannon big enough to launch a chicken from.

“Who gave you a cannon” Sam demanded. “This is an outrage! Extremely unsafe! Very weird! Inappropriate!”

He was drowned out by cannon fire. Because it was funny that way.

“Now that all of that unpleasantness from last week is behind us,” Sam said, glaring at the room and especially Beaker, “we can return to a useful class!”

He knew what you did with that fanged woman, Beaker, even if he’d learned it against his will.

“Today we shall be discussing simple meals. Meals not even Beaker can ruin.”

Sam, you were just taunting the gods of chaos and Muppet physics now. You fool.

"Meep meep meep meep meep," Beaker said, holding up a bag of microwave popcorn threateningly. Don't make him make it smell like burned popcorn until the end of time, Sam. He'd do it.

Sam sighed. “Popcorn is not a meal even if it is a whole grain! However! I have it on very good authority that Cup Noodle™ is delicious and filling!”

And surely no one could ignite styrofoam, right? "Meep meep meep?" Beaker said, peering inside the cup suspiciously.

“You only need to add boiling water!” Sam said. Surely Beaker would be fine with that much cooking!

"Meep meep!" Beaker said, sticking the entire thing, spice packet and all, into the microwave. And forgetting about the water.

Sam should have foreseen this. He should have foreseen the smoking microwave. He really should have foreseen the fire suppressant system being triggered. Somehow he did not.

“You must never tell Gladio of this!” Sam sputtered from under the pile of foam.

"Meep meep meep meep!"

Surely the rest of you can do better?

“Unfortunately there will be no class next week,” Sam intoned. “As many of you will be on vacation in space.” He didn’t approve. Clearly. But then Sam didn’t approve of most things. “Today we have decided to help prepare you for your upcoming travels!” Well, Sam had decided without consulting Beaker because he never consulted Beaker.

"Meep meep meep meep!" Beaker said enthusiastically, pulling a giant suitcase from…wherever it was props came from…and opening it to reveal three years worth of Shenanigan aloha shirts, a tuba, and a lit firecracker.

Because Beaker.

“Beaker!” Sam gasped. “Explosives are never allowed in checked luggage! Have you no respect for the Transportation Security Administration? Put that out right now!”

Beaker thought the TSA could probably stand for some more interesting days, but he reached into the bag and picked up the firecracker like you should also never do and held it towards Sam. "Meep?"

Sam frantically blew on the lit end of the firecracker. Except he was a Muppet. Oops?

The fire suppressant foam still works, everyone! Hooray!

"Meep meep meep," said the Beaker pile of foam. "Meep meep."

Everyone should definitely try to pack their own bags now. Add all the fruit and live animals! They loved that at Portalocity! And you had time while Sam got the foam off of his face. Right now he could see nothing!

FRIDAY 2/9

Was Sam looking grumpier today than previous weeks due to last week’s shenanigans that had led to him missing class? It was possible but how could anyone tell for sure? His eyebrows were always like that.

“As you may have noticed,” Sam began, “we are now in a bank rather than our usual classroom!” Well, it was the Danger Shop’s best approximation of a bank. A bank that looked like something out of a movie from the 1970s, of course, because that was definitely Sam’s aesthetic. “Banking is a very important part of life!”

Was it though, Sam? Was it really?

Where was Beaker, who was definitely not next to Sam? He was traversing the ceiling, wearing a ski mask and a beret for added villain-y-ness, and using those suction-cup kneepads that only worked in Muppet capers. You can notice because he's also meeping dramatic theme music to himself.

Sam had (fortunately for Beaker and the amusement of everyone else) not looked up yet. “Today,” he said, oblivious, “we shall be opening bank accounts! Everyone should have at least one! How else will you keep your money safe if it is not secured in an FDIC insured facility?”

And hopefully not in a bank that was going to be not at all robbed by Beaker! Which this one was.

“I hope everyone has brought identification with them,” Sam continued, oblivious to any heists that were about to happen. “You will need it! As well as currency to deposit! American currency, preferably, though any reputable financial institution will be able to exchange other currencies for the almighty dollar!”

This was when Beaker deployed his grappling hook, swung triumphantly into the open vault…and got stuck when the door closed behind him. "MEEP MEEP MEEP MEEP!"

Sam sighed the sigh of a very put-upon and very tired eagle. It was a very loud and long sigh.

“Everyone, bring your required paperwork with you and line up! Please ignore the Beaker behind the vault door,” he continued. That was almost certainly easier said than done. But surely Beaker was at least secured in there. It was a bank vault! What could be more secure?

Well, maybe a bank vault that didn't have a Muppet with slightly worrisome access to fireworks? (There had been a Lunar New Year sale!)

Because that was a wall exploding and a lot of color and smoke.

…and the fire suppression system kicking on. Again. Sorry, Sam.

Sam Eagle was, as always, perfectly punctual.

“Students! We shall be learning about music today! Perfectly normal music, of course. Music not compelled by any meddling islands or other outside forces! Music that is not, in any way, weird!”

Beaker, riding in on a piano bike, had been told no such thing. Or if he had been told, he'd completely ignored it.

…it was probably the second thing. "Meep meep mee?"

“I said we would be learning about the pianoforte, Beaker!” Sam snapped.

And not a piano torch? Because Beaker'd brought a piano torch! "Meep mee!" he said, lighting the torch and holding it up over his head like a slightly deranged Olympian.

“Joseph from legal expressly forbid the use of open flames in your classes!”

"Meep meep meep meep meep," Beaker said, looking up at the torch. It wasn't that big a flame, Sam!

“No, it is not small enough that nobody will notice! I have already noticed! The students have noticed! It is a flame! Any flame is too large for you!”

But, but…look as he sets the interior of the piano on fire! It looks so cool, Sam! So very Eurovision! The classiest and best of music!

Sam really, really needed to consult with Captain Rogers’s husband about fire suppression methods for the classroom. Otherwise he was just going to continue being a sad, wet eagle every time the sprinklers started.

Sam Eagle was at the front of the Danger Shop classroom looking very displeased. This expression was nearly indistinguishable from Sam’s usual expression, because Sam was made of felt.

Beaker wasn't on fire yet! He had no idea why Sam was very displeased. Maybe it was the very long legal thing that Kermit and Joe from Legal had sent? He hadn't read it.

Sam had read it. Sam had yelled a lot after reading it. “Students,” he said, “my name is Sam Eagle and I am here to teach you and prevent you from being exploded, set on fire, or otherwise maimed by my colleague.” You might not think a felt eagle could put that much disdain into the word colleague. You would be wrong.

Beaker waved and meeped. "Meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep," he said in what was clearly an imitation of Sam. "Meep meep meep meep meep."

And then he held up a firecracker. And lit it. Maybe today's class was about fire safety!

“Beaker, no! We have discussed this!” Discussed was a weird word for Sam lecturing Beaker and Beaker ignoring him but okay.

"Meep meep meep?" Beaker asked, still holding the firework. Don't worry, kids, it had a long fuse because the Rule of Funny demanded that.

The Rule of Funny also demanded that Sam produce a hilariously oversized fire extinguisher from somewhere. Despite aiming it directly at Beaker and his lit firecracker somehow Sam was now covered in foam. Somehow.

“Fireworks,” the eagle-shaped pile of foam snapped, “are never to be utilized inside and should never be given to someone irresponsible!”

"Meep meep meep," Beaker said as the firecracker--of course--exploded above them and made a happy face just before the sprinklers went off.

Sam was very good at sighing heavily despite the fact that he had no lungs. “And that is why we do not handle fireworks, students!” He was glaring at Beaker as he said it. Wetly.

"Meep meep," Beaker said, waggling his hand. That's why un-fun people and eagles don't handle fireworks! He pulled out a bag filled with more fireworks. "Meep!"

There were enough for everyone! Assuming there was anyone left in this classroom.