Fandom High School

"In case you're despairing at the current state of American politics--see also, the stack of forms on my coffee table right now for my application for Canadian citizenship--don't worry! According to twelve million Americans--which means, on average, one in twenty-five people believe this--this is all part of the plan of the lizard people more properly called reptilians who are our secret overlords, either shapeshifting or wearing human suits to blend in among us. I mean, it explains why Donald Trump and Steve Bannon look like that, at least, right? They're wearing meta for Edgar suits." Vanessa paused. "Most of you probably won't get that reference. Other definite lizard people include Donald Rumsfeld, who wouldn't deny it during a radio interview, Dick Cheney, the Queen of England, and Mark Zuckerberg. But not Melania. She's just had too much plastic surgery. And a Canadian politician who was accused of being a kitten-eating lizard person, which we all know is even worse than a normal reptilian, who just eats humans. Apparently there are native reptilians and non-native, or invasive, I guess, reptilians, who don't like each other, which explains why Queen Elizabeth finds herself among such miserable company. Personally, I think this theory has a lot going for it, as it frees me of being part of the same species as Donald Trump. Now, let's discuss which public figures we think are definitely a lizard person. Like, do we think it's the whole royal family, or is Kate a mammal? Can she really naturally have hair that shiny?"

Settle in, kiddies, it was time for a Powerpoint presentation!

"The pyramids of Egypt!" Vanessa announced as said pyramids appeared on the screen. Next slide. "The pyramids of South America!" Next slide. "The Great Wall of China!" Next slide. "The Moai of Easter Island!" Next slide. "Stonehenge! What do these things all have in common? If you said 'they were built by brown people,' you're almost correct. Stonehenge is an outlier there. Although it was built by, I think, Celts, who later English people like to look down on, so there's that. If you said 'we have no idea why they were built,' you're wrong, but that's a common misconception: obviously the Egyptian pyramids were built as grain silos!" A beat, in which Vanessa remembered the composition of the student body. "That's a joke, by the way. They were tombs. And if you said 'a lot of people don't understand how ancient brown people, with their quote-unquote primitive technologies, could have built these structures, therefore aliens must have done it, ding ding ding, you get a prize!" Another pause. "Actually the Great Wall might have just been that movie with Matt Damon. I don't know. I didn't see it. Anyway. The idea is that the aliens wanted to awe the local people and be worshiped as gods, or the pyramids are secretly spaceships or whatever. And definitely a big heaping dollop of 'oh ancient brown people couldn't possibly have moved a giant rock.' So: racism. The pyramids were built by people. Sorry to disappoint. Now, what's a structure you think must have been built by aliens, and why? Personally I'm going with Trump Tower, because look at him."