Fandom High School

With having lost about a good month of lessons for this class and having to then jump right into a heist which could have gone much better, in her not-so-humble opinion, Rosa wasn't exactly sure where to take this class next to make up for the clear damage that being stuck with Smith for those first lessons had caused. So she supposed she would just go back to the beginning, and treat the class like it was just getting started after all, and cram all the more important lessons in before the end of the semester.

Including one of her favorites, and while she still was loathed to admit that she even had favorite lessons for this class, the effort to amusement ratio was always nice: she barely had to do anything for it, but the students very rarely disappointed.

But who knew, with this group. They'd been tainted.

So they got to the classroom and find some seats, while Rosa just sat at the desk up front with her feet up, idly watching them as they filed in, they would find a list of names up on the board:

EMILY GOLDFINCH
SONIA RAMIREZ
DIANA VALLES
MARCIE BEAUCHAMP
ROSA DIAZ

Then she checked her watch again, sighed, and launched into the class from her nice comfortable spot at the desk. "Alright," she said, "let's get started. This is usually my first lesson for this class, but since that kind of got fucked up, we're doing it a little late in the game. It doesn't matter. that means introductions, especially when there's some new faces, but here's the thing. It usually ties in with the first week nicely because everyone and their mother is doing introductions, and the whole point is that I don't really care who you are. Especially since a badass bitch should be able to be just about anyone."

She gestured at the names on the board.

"These are some different identities and aliases I've used in the past, that I'm okay with sharing because, for some reason or another, I can't really use them very effectively around here any more, or various other places around the country. For all intents and purposes, if you look at the paperwork, they're all actual, real people, with ID and history, they'll pass a background check, they've got goals, they've got some real estate and businesses. And they can all be pretty handy in the pursuit of baddassery. A good, solid alternate identity to disappear into can be a useful survival tool to any badass bitch, and not even just for throwing off creeps and people," she gestured vaguely toward them now, "you just don't want to talk to.

"So today," she continued, "I've giving you five minutes. Come up with a good secret identity or alternate persona. Convince me you're someone you're not. If it's believable, you're free to go. If it's not, keep trying. Simple enough, right? And, let's be honest, none of us really want to be here right now, least of all me, so take a few moments, and when you're ready, come on up, and let's see what you've got."

Rosa was standing in front of a large map hanging over the board at the start of class, and she wasted no time in getting started once everyone was there.

"This," she announced, whacking the map with a long pointer stick, "is a map of the teachers' offices here at the school. This," the pointer smacked on a stack of papers on the desk, "is a list of names that correspond with those offices. And this," she set down the pointer and instead hefted up a very shiny hatchet that had been sitting next to the papers, "is the Badass Bitch Survival Guide's Badass Bitch axe."

What did all of these have to do with each other?

Give her a second, she was getting to it!

"And next Sunday is Halloween, which means it's time for our Annual Badass Bitch Halloween Heist. Usually, this class up to this point is used to train you all in preparation for this event, but, obviously, things got a little screwed up and we didn't have as much time as we usually do. So hopefully you don't all screw it up too badly. But basically, what this is, is a chance for you to use your skills, to work with each other, to work against each other, and generally be badass to try to be the one who has this," she hefted up the hatchet again, "in your possession by class next week. Pretty simple, right?

"Maybe.

"You see, this hatchet will be hidden in one of these," the blunt side of the axe tapped on the map again, "offices. It's your job to not only figure out which one, but to also secure the axe and manage to keep it until after Halloween. Many of the teachers have converted their offices into little traps, puzzles, and other challenges for you to face in your quest to find the hatchet, so you have to be careful, you have to be smart, you have to be sneaky, and you have to be badass."

With that, she dramatically swung the axe so that it thunked into the wood of the desk.

Don't worry about it; she'll pay for it.

"Everything officially starts at midnight tonight. You can work together, but just remember that only one person can claim the title, so together can only get you so far. You can use the class period today to strategize with your classmates if you want, or to ask me any questions involving the heist, or make your own strategies, or if you feel you're better off planning outside of the classroom right now, then go do that. I expect at least one of you to walk in here next week victorious."

And if not? She was definitely blaming that on having lost a whole month of working with these students and blaming it 100% on Summer Smith.

"Don't disappoint me."

[[ the BABHH 2021 Master Post to keep track of all shenanigans and happenings can be found here! This will be your one-stop shop for all questions, check-ins, changes, thoughts, ideas, etc, etc, etc! ]]

As it turned out, Rosa had actually had a completely normal weekend, was mostly unaware that anything had been abnormal (since a normal weekend for her involved not having to deal with anyone except for a select chosen few), and so now it was time to have a completely normal class.

No, not the math one. The one that encouraged break-ins and petty theft. Completely normal.

And when the students arrived, they'd find a sign on the door to redirect them to today's clas:

Gym.

When they arrived at their secondary location, they'd find the gym all decked out for an obstacle course, with some very specific focuses, and Rosa waiting for them, ready to begin.

"Stealth," she said. "Because there's a point in every badass bitch's life where they're going to need to sneak into or out of something without being noticed."

Especially when they were taking this class and it was now October, but she'll get to that when they were a little closer to Halloween.

"And unless you're some kind of magical ninja from who even knows where," or maybe you had a conveniently topical box on hand!, "and I don't care anyway, this sort of thing takes time, practice, and patience. So take a few minutes to stretch out, get limber, and then we're going to see just how well you can do getting through the courses without making a sound.

"First step: laser course. Only instead of real lasers, we've got ropes, and each rope has bells on it, so if you hit it, we know, I blow the whistle, and you start over. If you manage to make it through that, then we've got some moddable obstacles made of nice creaky wood, so they're noisy, and if you're too noisy, back to the start. And then there's the window." Yes, the good old freestanding wall with a nice, easily-jammed-when-opened window in it was back, baby! "Get this thing open and slip out without too much noise. Out of all this crap, this one's probably the most useful. Be careful, though, because there's some bells on the other side. Wouldn't want to set one off and have to start over again. And finally, if you think you're real badass, we have this rope climb. A rope. With a bell on it. If you can manage to get to the top without ringing the bell, what are you even doing in this class? There's probably nothing I can teach you. But if anyone wants to try, I'm all for it. Even minimal ringing on that one's good work.

"A few tips: don't be afraid to take your time. Focus on your breathing and the balls of your feet and keeping low to the ground. Don't let something like clothing or hair trip you up: a buckle scraped at the wrong moment could give you up like that. I know there's some of you who can probably do this without much trouble because of powers or abilities or whatever, which is great, get the extra practice in, but this is more for the people who actually don't have those same advantages. And to give you all an idea and prove that I'm not just full of shit, as someone without," presumably, anyway, cough, "any special abilities...I'll show you what I mean."

She shrugged off her jacket, tossed it aside, rolled her neck a little, and approached the first course. One deep breath, a pause, and then she swept through the tangle of cross-crossing ropes in a fluid motion that she hadn't spent all morning practicing to make sure it was perfect or anything, shut up, but, yeah, flawless, and thank god, because that would have sucked to biff it like that right in front of the class, but she'd been copy-pasting performing this example for years now, she could pretty much do it in her sleep now.

"Any questions?" she asked. "Take five, warm up, then we'll get started. You," she quirked her chin at literally anyone, there was no way you could tell if she had a particular person in mind, "you'll go first. And keep in mind, this might actually be useful to you later this month. For...reasons."

Anyone who'd spent more than a year here could probably guess, but let's not ruin the surprise for those who hadn't, yeah?

Yesterday had been nice since Rosa could mostly ignore whatever was going on since there was maybe all of ten steps to be taken outside to get to work. And it was often that she mused on how nice it was to be living on the far side of the island now. But today was definitely one of those days where she could see how it was a little annoying having to try to get across the whole island just to teach a dumb class.

She might have canceled or just not bothered showing up after having to reroute for the fourth time due to marzipan, but this was the good class, so she kept on, showing up a bit late, but, when she did show up, she promptly just redirected the kids over to the danger shop where they could get started.

"I saved the best for last," she informed them, once she got everything set up, a pretty sweet set-up with a variety of weapons laid out on a few racks and tables, and some practice dummies that could actually move and sort of fight you back, as well as a shooting range off to the side.

"Weapons. We've got some classic melee and combat hand weapons, as well as range weapons from bows to crossbows to guns," and even one harpoon launcher! because why not? "I figured you've all got some level of experience with some weapons. but today might be a good chance to either pick up some more experience with things you're already familiar with or get the chance to....try something new. Hopefully, there's something new in there you haven't seen before that you can try out. If not...damn. Props. Maybe focus on something you're a little less familiar with than the others. Or, since it's the danger shop, maybe we can find something else for you, but there's a pretty good selection here, anyway. If you're really unsure how to best use a weapon, just ask. I can how to safely wield it. But if I see you using it like an idiot, I'd normally stop you, but it's the danger shop, so it's not like you'll actually get hurt. Get a feel for the weapons with the practice dummies there, or, if you're feeling really adventurous and since this is the danger shop, feel free to partner up and spar each other."

Because honestly, what better way to close out a class than just going hog-wild with some weapons?

"A couple of weeks ago," Rosa said, starting class with no fanfare or introduction, as they met in the classroom yet again for what was obviously going to be another discussion class, deal with it, "there was a class where I didn't come in, but there was a box of donuts on the desk. I'm sure at least some of you figured it wasn't just me forgetting to come in and the island just providing random donuts, although both of those would have been legitimate assumptions. It was actually a test. A set-up. For this class today.

"So...how many of you went ahead and helped yourself to the random donuts? How many of you abstained? Did you stick around for class or did you leave once you realized I wasn't showing up? Of course, I had security cameras on you guys the whole time, so I know what the answers are, but I want you guys to talk about why you did what you did and defend yourself on why you think your choice was the most badass one to have gone with. And for your trouble?"

Rosa reached under the desk and plopped another box of donuts on the desk.

"You get donuts again."

If you choose to accept them, anyway.

When the students got to the classroom that morning, they would find, sitting on the desk at the front of the room, a box of very nicely decorated donuts from J,GoB, and that was it.

No note, no sign, definitely no teacher (not even after fifteen minutes).

Just donuts.

That's all.

Rosa sat behind the desk at the front of the classroom, feet up, leaning back, filing her nails, until the class had mostly gathered and settled in. She then dropped her feet, leaned forward, and passed a thoughtful glance over the lot of them.

"I'm assuming," she said, althought she totally already knew, "...I'm hoping...one of you actually did manage to secure the hatchet this weekend, even with not only the planned obstacle of the superheroing class," that glance skittered over those students who shared that particular class with this one, "interfering but also that whole 'let's turn everyone into their costumes at the zero hour' thing. So, if anyone that does have the proper hatchet would let herself be known, she can take a moment to gloat about it and be added to the likes of our previous Best Badass Bitches list.

"And then," she offered, lifting up a remote control and waving it a little in the air, "we're going to watch security footage of how you all did, because there was definitely cameras rigged up everywhere up there, and that's today's lesson, there is probably always someone watching. And, if you want, we can have a little chat, too, about strategies, mistakes, ideas, whatever, about the experience.

"So, without further ado, who managed to suck slightly less than the rest of you this year?"

Yes, she already knew. Yes, she was maybe gloating a little internally because the one she was kind of pulling for managed to get it. Not that she'd play favorites or anything...but it did seem to make up for all the obstacle courses...

The main problem with the fall trip was that it usually meant Rosa had one less class lesson to really prep her students for the main October event, but she could still manage to hit some of the highlights before getting down to the real brass tacks next week. Stealth didn't seem to be a problem for most of them, and she had a feeling this one might already be in some of their wheelhouses, too, but oh well.

She came into the classroom carrying a large black duffel back, clearly heavy by the way she tried not to show that she strained as she lifted it, then clunked it down on the desk in front with a lot of clattering. "Today's a pretty important skill," she started, "that I'm willing to bet my next paycheck that a good number of you already know, but it's always good to practice and maybe help out those of you who aren't already little badass delinquents, and also might be helpful for something next week. And that skill's gonna be lockpicking."

At which point Rosa unzipped the bag, turned it over, and sent a cascade of various different locks....door locks, car locks, pad locks, digital locks, puzzle locks...onto the desk and onto the floor. And then she pulled out a few lock picking kits, a sleeve of bobby pins, a few wire hangers, and some pocket knives.

"You never know when you'll accidentally forget your keys or whatever and be locked out of your house, your apartment, your car, you safety deposit box....or when you'll be locked in somewhere and need to get out." Guess which happened more often, go on, guess! "And those are pretty much the only two situations where this very useful skill would ever come in handy. Obviously, nothing else, but if you do get it in your little brains to practice around the island...just remember how bored the cops around here are.

"Now," she said, "there are a few different techniques and methods, and each lock is slightly different, so it's good to try a lot of different ways..." She then launched into some demonstrations, with some different locks, different tools, as easily and matter-of-factly as someone else might be teaching mathematics or biology, and ended with a rousing and surely inspiring moment of, "And when in doubt....just smash it," which involved showing just how well the butt of a pistol can smash a lock if you hit it just right.

"There," she concluded, "now you'll never have to worry about being locked out of your house or apartment or car again, which is the only situation in which this skill will probably ever be used."

That emphasis was the closest thing to a wink Rosa was ever going to get. They were smart kids. They could figure it out.

"Any questions? If not, we'll spend the rest of the hour just trying different locks or tools, or sharing if you've got any other methods that I haven't already covered that doesn't involve, like, magic that is clearly an individual you that thing that can't really be useful to anyone else..."

The students coming to class that day would find a sign posted on the classroom door:

GYM
Last one there is the punching bag.

Which wasn't true, she'd already pegged the most moddable punching bag, but it was still good to see who might bother to hustle. And, once they did get there, they'd find Rosa, some practice dummies, and mats on the floor. She checked her watch and, when it was time for class to start, she launched right into it.

"Alright, this week?" she said. "We're doing hand-to-hand combat and defense stuff, which is good, because if any of you screw up too bad, wouldn't you know it, you just learned how to do basic first aid last week. How convenient. I hope you all had the sense to wear clothes you can move in, but if not, we do have these fun uniforms that you know are definitely not being washed as much as anyone would like between PE classes."

And that was the unspoken additional lesson that a Badass Bitch should always be wearing something she can move in.

"Any Bad Ass Bitch should be able to defend herself against anything, and weapons are great, but you're not always going to have them or they might not always be the best choice for a situation. There are three things that you can usually have on you at all times that'll make a hand-to-hand situation swing further in your favor, and that's a knife," to which she pulled a switchblade out from behind her, let it flash open, then twirled it back in a smooth, steady movement, and when her hand came back around she displayed the next item, "brass knuckles," hand into her pocket and she pulled out a small container, "Mace. They're small, easy to get to, and can help out a lot in a difficult situation, especially knives. Good knives can go just about anywhere; five bucks to whoever manages to guess exactly how many knives I've got on me just now.

"Okay. Now. Raise your hand if you're already familiar with hand-to-hand combat."

She was never surprised or not pleased to see a few presumably hands go up at that question. ""Good. Those of you who aren't, pay attention, you're going to get the most out of this. Those of you who are, same thing. Never hurts to brush up on your basics.

"Hands are just as much weapons as knives or axes or guns, only not as much fun or as cool because nearly everyone has them. To attack, best places to hit on the body are..." And as she lifted them, she delivered a deft and precisely blow to each spot on the dummy, and, if it looked a little like a dance when she did it, well...rest assured, her ballet training was clearly going to good use now. "Eyes, nose, groin, knees, solar plexus, knees, fingers, and...my personal favorite...throat!"

"Let's say you can't get that first attack in, though, they've got the upper hand. First, protect anything they can use against you, and that's usually things they can grab onto. Long hair, baggy clothes, hoop earrings, extra appendages or weird things on you because you're not quite human"--this semester's class, with the exception of the lion, was almost disappoint in their complete humanness as far as apparances went--"can all be used against you, so don't even let them close. And then go in for a defensive move to subdue the attacker, and that's what we're learning today.

"Almanac," she quirked her chin, because she figured he made for the most...solid example for how you didn't need to be bigger than your attacker to pull these moves off, "front and center. You're going to help me demonstrate."

But there didn't seem to be a response; Wayne actually seemed to be stubbornly squinting off to the side of the gym.

"Wayne," Rosa tried again, with an expectant lift of her eyebrows, almost feeling like she was calling her dog in that moment, but still nothing.

She rolled her eyes. "Bobby Probert," she tried.

"A-yup," said Wayne, who then moved up to the front of the gym to where Rosa was wondering if anyone would notice if she demonstrated this a little harder than technically necessary.

"Right, so," Rosa continued, "I'm going to teach you all a few simple moves for getting out of some of the most basic attacks. First one: Probert, grab for my arm..."

In addition to the arm grab (and after having to put some awkward pressure on her ill-chosen punching bag and his dedication to the idea that it was impolite to attack girls), Rosa eventually got Wayne to help her out in demonstrating ways to counter a grab from behind, a choke hold, and a hair grab, explaining the motions and details as they did, all the while thinking she should have just stuck with dragging Blackstone or Tightpants into this rather than depend on a student. But then she got to explaining a few good body throws (hey, she didn't drag all these mats out here for nothing), and the reason she picked Wayne was clear, because when he hit those mats, he hit them hard, but then he just picked himself right back up again, ready for the next, with nary a wrinkle in his plaid.

"Okay," Rosa concluded, nodding to Wayne to signal that he was done and could join the others. "What I want you guys to do now is pair up and practice with each other. Those of you with experience, try to help those without. If any of you feel more comfortable having me going over it in a little more detail first, come see me, otherwise I'll be walking around and correcting all your terrible forms. Or work with several people; different body types, heights, and strength can make for solid pratice and experience. Just be careful, take your time, be aware, especially when it comes to those of you with more power and strength, natural or otherwise, and try not to actually injure anyone. I really don't want to cart anyone down to the clinic today. Got it? Any questions before we begin?

"Alright. Let's see what you've got."

The fact that Rosa actually had favorite lessons for BABSG (not to mention an acronym) was a detail that she didn't really care to dwell on too much, but that wouldn't negate the fact that the first lesson of BABSG was definitely up there on the list. Mostly because the effort to amusement ratio was promising: she barely had to do anything for it, but the students very rarely disappointed.

So they'd get into the classroom and find some seats, while Rosa just sat at the desk up front with her feet up, idly watching them as they filed in, generally counting (as if she'd paid attention to exactly how many students she had this semester), quirking a brow at the more familiar faces, and checking her watch. On the board behind her were a few names:

EMILY GOLDFINCH
SONIA RAMIREZ
DIANA VALLES
MARCIE BEAUCHAMP

Then she checked her watch again, sighed, and launched into the class from her nice comfortable spot at the desk. "Alright," she said, "let's get started. Badass Bitch Survival Guide. Where I'm going to do my best to teach you guys how to be more badass in your every day life. Not a bad way to spend a Tuesday morning. And it's the first week, so, usually, that means introductions, especially when there's some new faces, but here's the thing. I don't really care who you are. I'm not really that interested in getting to know any of you. I probably won't even remember your names. So we're not even going to bother. We are going to bother with getting to know someone you aren't today."

She gestured at the names on the board.

"These are some different identities I've used in the past, that I'm okay with sharing because, for some reason or another, I can't really use them very effectively around here any more, or various other places around the country. For all intents and purposes, if you look at the paperwork, they're all actual, real people, with ID and history, they'll pass a background check, they've got goals, they've got some real estate and businesses. And they can all be pretty handy in the pursuit of baddassery. A good, solid alternate identity to disappear into can be a useful survival tool to any badass bitch, and not even just for throwing off creeps and people," she gestured vaguely toward them now, "you just don't want to talk to.

"So today," she continued, "I've giving you five minutes. Come up with a good secret identity or alternate persona. Convince me you're someone you're not. If it's believable, you're free to go. If it's not, keep trying. Simple enough, right? And, let's be honest, none of us really want to be here right now, least of all me, so take a few moments, and when you're ready, come on up, and let's see what you've got."

Once Rosa knew what kind of weekend the last one was (and, really, by now, she should have known it was coming, considering), she hopped on her bike and got the hell out of town before any potential spawn could catch up with her (and, at that point, if any of them did...kudos to them, she clearly taught them well, albeit too well), and then waited for the green light from Blackstone on when they all left. And then waited an extra day, just to be sure, which did at least put her back in time for her class.

Yaaaay.

"There's a lot of be said for motherhood.
Just make sure the kids are out of earshot first."

"Ugh, look," she said, and, yes, this was how she was starting class that morning. "It's still trying to be all cute and topical. But this actually is a good one. I actually kind of feel this one, which is why whenver we have one of these weird alternate universe kids weekend, I go on a nice little vacation, a.k.a. well out of earshot. Where did I go this year? None of your business. But for today's class, we're going down to the computer lab," as of five seconds ago as she figured out how to work this into a 'lesson', "and you guys are going to plan a potential bad ass bitch getaway. Because a bad ass bitch is always ready to just up and leave because this island is really stupid sometimes and no one should have to deal with that.

"Alright, everyone up, let's leave this old bag behind and relocate."

Rosa was not going to talk about how she just didn't show up for class last week. If anyone asked, Rosa still wasn't going to say anything about it, besides just staring at whoever asked and asking 'what class'?

She was going to get right into it this week, though. "Alright," she said, flicking the button on the projector, "let's see what nugget of wisdom we're working with this week."

When you're feeling stressed out,
it helps to make a nice hot cup of tea
and spill it on the lap of whoever's bugging you.

"Heh."

Oh, there was a lot of experience packed into that one little sound. Could that even have been a smile on Rosa's face?

"Okay," she said, turning to the class, "this one's actually good. Legit advice right there, but I guess even a broken clock is right twice a day, right? So. Let's talk stress relief. If you've never actually poured a cup of hot tea into an annoying person's lap before, I highly recommend it. It's very cathartic, and it's a easy to make it look like an accident, too."

Rosa never made it look like an accident.

"It is a pain to clean up, though," she added, "and can sometimes be a waste of perfectly good tea, and then sometimes HR gets involved or they insist you owe them for medical bills, even though it's just a second degree burn, suck it up, princess. But it, like punching, unfortunately, sometimes isn't always an option. So let's consider and discuss or whatever, since this is technically supposed to be a 'class'....what are some other bad ass ways of relieving a little stress, especially when dealing with an annoying coworker or classmate or sibling or parent or..."

She trailed off a little, as she realized that this list could have gone on and on and on...

[[ ocd on the way! is up! ]]

The door to the usual classroom had a few notes posted on it when the students came around for class that morning. One was a printout of this week's comic ('My wardrobe comes from a place that immediately makes you think of money--the Dollar Store') with a big red X marked through it, and the other was a sign just below that, scribbled out like maybe a five year old wrote it with a black Sharpie.

Her feet. Rosa had written it with her feet.

Causeway.
We've got a portal to catch.

And so once the students had either decided to skip class that day or show up at the causeway, Rosa, her hands still very much wrapped in copious amounts of guaze was waiting for them.

"Last week," she said, like this was all very normal, "motorcycle gear came up, and since the Danger Shop isn't going to cooperate," or, rather, Rosa was going to have a hell of a time trying to get it to do what she wanted it to do without the use of her hands, "we're just sticking with the real deal. This guy who owns this shop owes me a favor, but don't go too crazy. But, since it seemed like a popular idea," and it saved her the trouble of actually thinking of a class today, "we're going to go get ourselves bad ass motorcycle gear. Let's go."

[[ ocd incoming is up! ]]

When any of Rosa's students wound up at the classroom, they'd find a bunch of notes just stuck on the door. Because Rosa had literally dozens of better things to do right then than deal with a class of hornier-than-usual teenagers.

Which she all but admitted to in her notes, so, hey, at least she was honest:

Yeah, there's no way I'm dealing with any of you this week. Class canceled, but here's your lesson:

She'd printed out one of the stupid comics and actually put it up on the door with the notes:

You can still have sex as you age
But the scenery's not as good


So get out there and get it while it's good. Or you could just stick around here like a nerd. You've got options.

And that was nice and easy and now Rosa was possibly considering doing this for all the rest of her classes from here on in...

The projector was there and ready to go when class got started, but it wasn't on yet, because they had other stuff to cover first and it made way more narrative sense to put that all in the OCD today than in the main post. So Rosa was just leaning on the desk a little as she waited for everyone to get settled in, and then she got started.

"So," she said. "Last week, you were all told to go out and learn something new for yourselves, and before we get into our next bright glowing gem of wisdom, you're going to share with the class what you learned. Easy, right? Who's going first? Throatpuncher? Farmer's Almanac? Punctuation?"

Someone should, anyway. Rosa was hoping at least few of these were going to be pretty good.


[[ and ocd is...up! Have at it!]]