Fandom High School

"Good morning," Jamie said cheerfully as the students walked into the room. "In light of the annual invasion of kidlings on our island, Jeff and I thought it would be appropriate to talk about alternative forms of birth control. Granted, Mr. Rogers probably covered some more of the-"

Cue finger quotes. Yes. Jamie is using finger quotes. Get over it.

"Mainstream versions of birth control but I think everyone here knows that often times that's probably not going to work out for you. Plus knowing Mr. Rogers it was probably all about abstinence and if you think he never had sex before marriage well... Okay, I probably don't want to think about that. Anyhow! Alternative forms of birth control! I think Jeff has a good one to start off with. Jeff?"

"Um."

Somehow being asked to talk about his life's worst miseries was not as bad as actually having to do so. "There are... ways," Jeff said gravely. "They are... they are terrible ways." He took a moment to compose himself. "Oh god," he added, "This one is so awful!"

Okay, so maybe that composing himself had been a failure.

He took a step closer to the class. His lip trembled. His hand shook.

"You could... tell someone you've got a wooden leg!" Oh god. The terror!

"Which... could be a turn off. Or you could actually have a kid," Jamie contributed. "Only to find out it was a kid but actually a duplicate who you then absorbed back into yourself which prompts the birth mother to break your fingers and beat the crap out of you."

Jamie paused for a moment and realized that maybe spending a lot of time with Jeff was rubbing off on him somehow.

"The moral being that once you have that happened to you the libido takes a serious hit."

Jeff waved his arms around. "There are a lot of ways not to have babies," he proclaimed. "There's more of them than there are to have babies!" Beat. "I have a list," he added, reaching into his pocket and holding it up. "Insulting mothers," he started. "Insulting fathers. Insulting twin brothers. Insulting twin brothers who are dwarves. Socks. Apples. Not being able to speak Hebrew. Telling someone they look so good, they should be embalmed. Telling someone you've got a girlfriend who is dead. Not accepting the presence of decorative pillows..."

He could go on a bit.

"...Overalls, the color red, pretending to have a baby, pretending to be having a baby--"

Jamie was giving Jeff a funny look. Which really shouldn't be an odd occurrence knowing Jeff. "Did you say embalmed?"

"I was trying to be complimentary," Jeff explained. "But I just said the first thing that came to mind." Beat. "That's also a really good contraceptive."

"Right," Jamie said with a few blinks. "Okay then. So you're assignment today? Come up with some alternative forms of birth control and share them with your fellow students."

Which shouldn't be awkward at all.

"Oh, and never wear melting underwear!" Jeff called. "...Though that might just be a dream I've had."


Jamie opened his mouth to say something... and decided it was best to let that one go. "All right kids! Take a few minutes and let's hear what you come up with."

Today's Danger Shop scenario? Apparently involved being at the happiest place on Earth.

"Don't get too excited," Jamie replied as he directed everyone to a somewhat hidden door which read "Staff Only". "Your assignment today? Dress up in costumes and try not to get pummeled by small children. Oh, and no princess costumes. Unless you're a guy."

"These outfits are the best," Jeff crowed. At least, it was probably Jeff, considering that the large duck had a heavy Welsh accent. "Nobody can see me like this!"

"However it does limit your hookups with single moms since you can't talk," Jamie noted. "Though in Jeff's particular outfit his has an advantage as his character isn't wearing any pants. Anyhow, suit up and go out and try not to scar the memories of children everywhere. And avoid getting hit in a certain personal area."

Jeff's agonized yell of, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT DOESN'T HAVE ANY PANTS?" would just have to be their guide to the changing rooms.

When the students arrived at the Danger Shop today they would see a most familiar image. That is if they were from Earth and they were in a time period where they've watch the Oscars on TV.

Yep. There was a red carpet, a danger-shopped paparazzi filled with a frenzy to take all of the students pictures.

"Greetings!" Jamie cried out, looking fabulous in a tuxedo, "And welcome to the Fandom Awards! There's clothes and a place to change into something fabulous for the red carpet! But don't take too long or you'll miss the award ceremony!"

"And make sure you've pasted your dresses and tuxes on right!" said Jeff, who looked rather more disorganized in his tux. "Nobody needs a nip slip tonight!" Thank you, Jeff.

"Oh and nobody pose like Angelina Jolie!" Jamie added. "She's got a trademark on it now and she'll probably slap you into next week."

Jamie didn't add that people should look out for a Jamie duplicate wearing a weird military uniform and carrying an urn. That part should probably be implied.

"Don't worry!" Jeff hollered, waving his hands at the paparazzi. "They're not real! No one will be judging your clothes tomorrow!" He sounded an awful lot like that had been said to him repeatedly during the minutes leading up to the class. He also sounded terribly unsure.

"Unless someone gets gremlin bit and thinks they are Joan Rivers," Jamie added. "In the meantime... let the festivities begin!"

Is it really any shock that when students enter the Danger Shop that it's been transformed into a unique environment? Is it just a given now?

So really we don't need to write that any more, right?

Right.

So.

( When the students entered the Danger Shop... )

[OCD is up. Dance. Dance, I say.]

"Good morning class," Jamie said cheerfully as they all filed in. "Today we have a special treat for that goes along with what happened over the weekend. Specifically a part of the female anatomy called... The bosom."

( Yes. The Bosom )

[OOC: Today's assignment deals with Jeff and Jamie talking about female anatomy and assigning students a task that no teacher in their right minds would ever ever ever assign. Jeff and Jamie are not in their right minds. If we spirits have offended think but this; and all is mended that you have but RP'd here while these visions did appear and this weak and idle theme no more yielding but a dream. Gentles--do not reprehend if you pardon, we will mend. And, as I am an honest Madrox if we have unearned ...Box. Now to scape the serpents tongue. We will make amends ere long else the Jamie a liar call. So--goodnight unto you all. Give me your hands if we be friends. And Jamie shall restore amends.

Also: If you're easily offended by the use of female anatomy in jokes and feel uncomfortable, you may not wish to read.]