Fandom High School

"Good morning, students!" Vanessa looked absolutely thrilled today for some reason. Some mysterious reason.

It was probably the inexplicably hot blond chick next to her. Because, look kids, it was gonna be A Week,

"Wow, these are so distracting," she said, looking down at her own chest. It was Wade. It was clearly Wade. You all knew these things were happening, right?

"Stop poking them, baby," Vanessa said without looking. "That's for later. We have to teach the children now." Boring. "And today we're doing...House Hunters! Wait, no. Not competitive. Shit. I already programmed the houses. Okay, we're doing Trading Spaces!"

Wade sighed, keeping her hands to herself for now. "We even brought the straw to really fuck up a room with your 'aesthetic'."

There was a large pile of paint and what seemed to be half of a crafting store dumped in the corner of the room for people to use. And yes, here was glitter. Because glitter was always there.

"So your assignment for today is to redecorate the living room of one of these perfectly innocent bland suburban houses using the handwavey materials provided. Bonus points will be awarded for creativity." AKA 'really fucking up a room with your aesthetic.' "We've carefully and thoughtfully divided you into two teams." By which she meant they'd drawn a line in the middle of the class roster.

"Loser gets kicked off the island." Still a no, Wade. Still a no.

"They still won't let us do that," Vanessa reminded Wade. She sounded pretty bummed about it. "Now get to trading those spaces, or whatever the catchphrase is!"

This week the danger shop was done up to look like a tropical island, devoid of civilization. Save for the pre-programmed camera crews. But that just melted right on into the background, right?

"This week on... Survivor," Wade said in a deeper, radio announcer voice. "You'll be voting one of your classmates out of the class permanently."

One of the pre-programmed camera crew handed Vanessa a note. She read it and said, sotto voce to Wade, "Apparently we're still not allowed to do that."

"*BEEP*," Wade said, getting bleeped out in real time by the editing team. "Oh, c'mon. You get one *BEEP* in a PG-13 movie."

"We can't say *BEEP* now either?" Vanessa complained. "What kind of *BEEP*ing program is this? Uuuuugh. Okay, fine. Today you'll be voting one of your classmates off the island until the end of the class, I guess." Boring.

"This show *BEEP*ing sucks *BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEEEEEP*," Wade said, making a series of complicated and vaguely offensive hand gestures to illustrate whatever point he was trying to make. It wasn't working too well.

Vanessa was handed another note. "Apparently we've used up most of the production budget for this week on beeping out the *BEEP*s. We have a *BEEP*ing production budget? Nobody told me about a *BEEP*ing budget! Okay, we have to issue you a challenge, I guess." They might have forgotten to plan this part.

"...*BEEP* me," Wade sighed, tossing his hands up. "I knew we shouldn't have programmed the movie magic side into this."

It really was a poor choice on their part.

"Okay, the challenge is to find food here so you don't slowly starve for our entertainment while the production team just watches dispassionately."

"And then vote who you're kicking off the island!" Vanessa said, and, after a moment of thought, added that, "It can't be us."

Class was done up to look like entrance to a mansion. But a pretty tacky mansion, you know? The sort that could be rented out for filming purposes.

Good lighting setup.

"Welcome, welcome bachelors and bachelorettes," Wade said in his very best host voice. "You'll be competing for the hand of a nebulous individual who has no real personality to speak of, but is here to find love with strangers on television."

"At the end of the class, all but one of you will be handed a rose, and the last person will go back to being tragically single," Vanessa said. "Now, this is the first week, and in school as in reality television, that means you have to introduce yourself to the audience. That's us. We're the audience."

"So, name, age, occupation, hometown, and why you're here for the right reasons and not just to get that sweet, sweet fame. Or, alternately, why you're clearly here to play the villain of the season." Wow, Wade sure knew a lot about this franchise.

"Remember, you're not here to make friends," Vanessa added. "That's very important."

Wade clapped his hands together excitedly. "Now let's get to those limo exits!"