Fandom High School

The classroom was oddly quiet when the students walked in, lacking the usual thematically dressed pony. There was an extremely large cake, though.

Then, the very moment class was due to start, as though she could not possibly wait another second, Pinkie burst forth from the cake, yelling "SURPRISE!"

Icing flew everywhere. Somepony forgot you were supposed to hide in a FAKE cake.

Derek wiped cake off his face, flicking it to the ground with an annoyed sigh. "How did you even get inside--I don't want to know. I just don't want to know."

He kind of did, but not enough to get into it.

"Today is our last class of the semester." He paused to wait for Pinkie to do... what she was going to do about that.

You mean like burst into tears? He totally meant burst into tears, right?

"It's SO SAD!"

But, you know, only just long enough to get all that exploded cake on the floor damp.

"So today, we're going to have a FINAL EXAM PARTY!"

That sounded about right!

"There's cake that hasn't had a pony inside it or fallen to the floor or been cried on." Yet. "And good luck if you're graduating."

And stuff. Derek just looked embarrassed to have to do this.

"And there's punch and rockin' music!" By which Pinkie meant lyricless, family friendly electronica. Played on a phonograph.

As you do.

"So have some cake, chat, and just plain ol' have fun!" she cheered. "And I'm gonna MISS ALL OF YOU SO MUCH!"

Please pardon the random bursts of tears. They will pass.

"Uh huh," Pinkie said into her phone -- in its banana-shaped case -- as the students entered. "Omigosh, then what happened? You're kidding. YOU'RE KIDDING! That's so exciting!" She looked sidelong at the students, startled. "I'm so sorry, I have to go. But I'll call you back, okay? I wanna hear how this ends!" She hung up, setting the phone down on the counter, and shrugged at the students. "Wrong number."

Derek so did not even want to know how that had happened. Because it boded poorly for his sanity. "Right," he said slowly. "Today we're talking about Easter cakes."

"With bunnies and eggs and lambs and flowers and baskets and things!" Pinkie crowed. She was now wearing bunny ears. She didn't seem to have actually moved to put them on. "I don't really know what 'Easter' is? But it's super cute." She tried to sneak an easter egg sticker onto Derek's cheek.

His poor, poor stubble. "That works as an explanation of the holiday," he decided, giving up on trying to stop her. Because he'd learned. Oh, he'd learned. "Sometimes people make terrifying cakes. You don't have to do that."

But it'd be fuuuuun.

Pinkie eyed that lamb cake suspiciously. "I made mine with bunnies," she said. "They're made entirely of sugar!"

Somehow, Pinkie had never discovered peeps before. She was very excited.

The sugar coma would kill everyone who ate that cake. The lamb cake would take care of the rest. Laaaaamb caaaaaaake.

Pinkie was back, this week. You could tell even as you walked down the hall towards the class, she was talking so loud. ". . . And then the Crystal ponies needed to fight off the evil pony and Princess Cadence and Shining Armor and Spike the baby dragon were all in the castle, and Princess Cadence had to go ZWOOOOSH! and fly down! And Shining Armor THREW her like a glider so she'd go fast enough and POW they beat the evil shadow pony and --"

Someone should probably stop her. She could keep going.

"Pinkie. Focus," Derek cut in, looking like he had the worst headache building. "Class."

"Oh, the Crystal ponies are TOTALLY classy," Pinkie started, then blinked. "Ohhhhhhh. You mean class."

Derek sighed like the mature adult he was. Deep down.

"Friendship and cakes, remember?"

Like most of their classes.

"Yes! And your Sane Patrick Day thing!" Pinkie confirmed. "Hihihi, everypony! Sorry I wasn't here last week, but CRAZY STUFF was happening back home in Equestria, and I was a liiiittle delayed in getting back."

"Because of crystal ponies." Yep. "We're making St. Patrick's Day cakes. If you don't know what that is... green. Lots of green. Shamrocks too."

HOW VERY DESCRIPTIVE, DEREK.

"And teeny weenie humans with big beards! Whatsits, leopard-cons!" Pinkie had done her research, yo. ". . . When's crazy Patrick's day?"

"...soon?" Derek was no good at this.

"That day must be all about red," Pinkie decided. "And feathers." It made sense in Pinkie land. "Anywho, we've got lots of cakes and pretty sprinkles and gold dust and clovers!" Those were actual clovers. Pinkie had been snacking on them earlier.

So much dramatic sighing over here.

"Don't eat the clovers, kids."

Pinkie Pie was dressed as cupid this week. Well. At least it made sense from a color-scheme point of view. Though probably everyone could have done without the pony in diapers.

And how the hell was she holding that bow? Even pony archers didn't hold their bows in their hooves!

None of this made sense.

Derek was trying to make sure the bow wasn't pointed at anyone--mostly him--in case the lack of hands didn't stop her. "This weekend is Valentine's Day."

"Which is a really silly name for Hearts and Hooves Day," Pinkie said. She fired a heart-shaped arrow at the ceiling. It stuck with a little *sprooooinnnnng* and she giggled delightedly. "It's that time of year when everypony finds a very special somepony to spend some sweet pony time with!" She blinked at the class, smile froze for a second. "Or I guess humans. Whatever."

Yes, humans. Like everyone else on the island, Pinkie. Mostly. Human shaped.

"If you haven't figured out a gift, a cake should do the trick," Derek added, stepping to the side as that arrow came back down with cartoonish logic to hit just where he had been standing. "Tell them you made it yourself."

"Homemade presents are the best!" Pinkie raved. "Like this one!" She pulled out a precariously tiered, festive cake with lit sparklers across the top. "Now if only I had a very special somepony to give it to. . . ."

Don't worry, Derek. Very special someponies could be totally platonic. No need to fear that side-eye from the pony.

Derek sighed like the deeply put upon grump that he was, but reached over to pat her on the head.

Observant students might eventually note that they could work out clues about the class's theme of the week by looking at Pinkie Pie's outfits.

Today, for instance, she had on a jaunty blue winter hat and scarf and mismatched knee socks, in which she was gleefully sliding back and forth in front of the chalkboard. One might conclude from this display that she had a wintery theme planned. Or that she was a crazy person.

Both of these would be accurate.

Though, to be accurate, she was a crazy pony. So. (You say that like ponies aren't people. SPECIESIST.)

Derek was looking up at the ceiling as though it would explain to him why he was there. Where his life had made that wrong turn into insanity. "The theme today is snow."

There. Suspense killed.

"Eeeee!" Pinkie agreed, sliding by. "We have lots of coconut and powdered sugar and blue things to make snowy scenes on your cakes with!"

Derek put out a hand to stop her lest she end up hitting the demonstration cake on the desk behind him. How did he hide that from view? He wasn't even that broad! Oh god, he'd been spending too much time with Pinkie Pie, hadn't he?

You spelled "enough time" wrong.

It was an impressive trick! Pinkie was so proud of his showmanship! Also of that cake. That was a damn fine cake.

Damn right it was.

"There are cakes to experiment on with the materials," Derek said, still holding Pinkie in place. "You're taking them home with you after."

"You can share them with all your friends!" Pinkie cheered, not in the least bit put off by being held in place. She was even still sliding her hooves about as though she were still skating around. "And that's what friendship is all about!"

Because someponies apparently needed explanations of the purposes of things.