fandomhigh | Entries tagged with relationships

Yennefer greeted the class with a brisk, "Today we're going to talk about peer pressure," and that was as far as she got before she had to consult her notes. "Which is...pressure from your...peers." A very helpful explanation, to be sure.

"Ah yes, the dangers of... peer pressure," Jaskier added, also a bit lost on that one. Was it because they were the popular kids or too headstrong to follow a herd? A true mystery! "Which can destroy a relationship. We think. I never met any of the other Witchers to confirm."

"Nor did I," Yennefer admitted somewhat reluctantly. Did Geralt think his family was too cool to introduce them to? Was that it? "Peer pressure is when your...peers...which apparently means your little friends, not the nobility, in this context...pressure you to do something you don't want to do because..." again she had to consult her notes. "'Everyone else is doing it,' or, 'All the cool kids are doing it.' Good grief, are those reasons? Don't fall for peer pressure. It's clearly very stupid."

"So, perhaps avoid that," Jaskier suggested. Like the idiot who went out into the world and latched onto a tragic hero who smelled like onions and brute forced his way to fame.

"Break up into pairs," Yennefer suggested, "and one of you can attempt to convince the other one to do something, and the other one can practice saying, 'No,' over and over. And perhaps the first person can meditate on taking 'no' for an answer the first time, just a thought." She waved a hand dismissively. "Go on, then."

tellmehowstuffworks

The alert amongst the workshop attendees might notice that they had half as much teacher this week. Spoiler alert: it was the mean one.

"Jaskier could not be with us this week, as he is monstrously hungover and-slash-or struggling to write his next quote-unquote 'masterpiece,'" Yennefer said, with finger quotes. "Possibly both. His voicemail was a bit vague, but he did," she would begrudgingly allow, "tell me. Which neatly ties in with the subject of the day: communication. Communication is the key to any healthy relationship. If the way your best beloved lets the dishes pile up in the sink drives you crazy, you have to tell them that so they'll know they need to do better, otherwise resentment will build up and eventually you'll just explode and have a giant, possibly relationship-ending fight. Over dishes you don't even have to haul water in from a well to wash. Or, if you tell them and they continue the behavior, that tells you something about them as well, doesn't it?" Yennefer paused for a moment, and then said in a surprisingly impassioned outburst, "Or, if you use a wish from a djinn to bind someone to you through destiny, you should really tell them that from the outset so that they're not left wondering if how they feel about you is real or magical manipulation years into your relationship, whilst standing on top of a mountain next to a dead dragon," Geralt.

She paused again, composed herself, and said, "So: communication. Several of you have indicated this is an area you struggle with. The internet offers several helpful tips about communication, one of the most common being to phrase things as 'I' statements about how the issue at hand impacts you, rather than 'you' accusations such as, 'You left the damn dishes in the sink again.' This is supposed to help the other party understand your point of view or...something like that." Yennefer had gotten bored at that point.

"We were going to pair you up to practice this, but wouldn't you know it, that was Jaskier's job, so instead I want you to think about an issue that you've had either in your current relationship or a previous one, and try framing it as an 'I' statement rather than centering it on the other party. Hmm? Let's begin."

tellmehowstuffworks

The classroom was set up with pillows instead of chairs or desks because the teachers preferred to be comfortable whilst bitching about certain people in their lives in order to teach the subject.

Also magic.

Also for the record, the teachers should never be allowed to do paperwork while alcohol was involved.

"Good morning," Yennefer said to the class, looking shockingly like someone who had the first clue what she was doing. It was a skill they taught at Aretuza. Also, was it still morning? She had no idea, and didn't care. "I am Yennefer of Vengerburg, and this is the bard Jaskier, and this is...Relationship Skills." After a beat, she added, rather quickly, "We are not in a relationship." The horror.

"Oh, goodness no," Jaskier said, making such a face. "But we do have quite a bit of experience with the worst relationship you could ask for. The same person, in fact. It's a thing, really."

"Yes, and what it's made us realize is that some people simply don't know how to be in relationships. Hence..." Yennefer gestured vaguely. "This workshop. So to start we'd like for everyone to introduce themselves and please tell us why you think you need better relationship skills." So they could judge you.

captainskullpoopl

This week Vanessa was not playing a video game or bedecked in patriotic garb. She looked normal, for a certain value of ‘your teacher is wearing a leather miniskirt’ normal.

Well, the other teacher wore a red body condom, so. Glass houses, kids. And no, that didn't make sense. But it didn't matter. "Welcome back! Hope you all enjoyed learning how to use the Olympics to destroy the chore chart of your homes."

HINT HINT.

“How was I supposed to know they would tie?” Vanessa demanded, crossing her arms sullenly. Stupid swimming. “Anyway. Moving on.”

Deadpool tossed his hands up to emote his being so over the summer Olympics. Give him curling or give him death. In that order. "Today we're gonna talk about a very serious subject. Getting into a relationship thinking that you can change your partner like a fixer upper home you see on HGTV. I mean, sure, it seems like a good idea to change the paint color at the time. But one, kinda racist in this analogy. And two, you're just changing surface things that cover up the actual issues."

“You may get into a relationship and think, ‘Oh, he’d be great if he was just not a raging Pokemon Go addict, but he can change!’ And that’s not true, because even if you convince him to give up Pokemon Go or hookers or blow, he’s going to resent it, and it’s not going to change the underlying issue that he’s inattentive or a cheater or a raging drug addict.”

Deadpool held up a hand for her to highfive. "Preach." Because they were in sync on so many things like this.

Vanessa high fived him and continued, “Everybody’s got flaws. The trick is to find someone whose flaws work with yours, or at least whose flaws you can live with. Like Wade and me. Our crazies match.” True story.

Awww. It was so adorable. So much so that he was forced to grab her hand to hold in a sappy freaking manner. "So. Assignment for the day… what would and wouldn't you change to be with someone?"

captainskullpoopl

Today, Vanessa was dressed rather patriotically: her t-shirt had ‘USA’ across the chest and she was holding a tiny American flag in one hand. Also, she looked rather smug. “So, you’re going to have arguments in relationships,” she said. “Over serious things and over trivial things like who should do the dishes. And you should definitely settle them like adults. And not settle them using your countries’ Olympic teams as proxies like we do.”

"Canada is a winter sport team!" Deadpool snapped, looking extra surly about his poor country's prospects vs that of the US. "You cheated me."

“Oh, like it’s my fault you were missing presumed dead during Sochi and didn’t get to reap the spoils,” Vanessa responded.

He threw his hands up in the air, not like he just didn't care, but more that he totally cared way too much about sports people forgot about move of the time. "In my defense, I'd been stabbed and burned alive. Which I think is equal to living through the Olympics for most people living at the locations."

Poor, poor Brazil. First the World Cup, now this.

“Remember, we’re not arguing,” Vanessa said brightly. “We’re setting a good example for the kids!” And then she waved her tiny flag. “Anyway, the point is that America rules and Canada drools, at least until November when I may be considering the benefits of Wade’s citizenship, but also, again: try not to resolve things through fighting. Unless you just really love makeup sex.”

Deadpool already had a hand up for a high-five over the potential to move to Canada in November, which Vanessa met without having to look at him. "Which we do. But you still need to work through your squabbles with talking. Or getting really good at going down on--"

“Wade!”

"...elevators?" he finished lamely.

“Or escalators!” Vanessa waved her flag again. “Go Team USA! Keep Wade doing the dishes all month!”

stickitupmyjinx

Written on the board today was:

Something ~~had to be stabbed~~ came up.

Enjoy this movie. It's about relationships or something. And it's sort of Shakespeare.

(Someone press play.)

Your teachers were doing great at this, really.

captainskullpoopl

Deadpool was not on his phone this time around. But the phone was nearby and stuck on a loading screen because apparently no one wanted him to hatch his goddamn 10k egg anytime soon. "Hey, kids. Welcome back. Glad to see no one got lost hunting for cheese."

Vanessa was totally not pouting about a similar issue. “Today’s lesson is about patience. You have to be patient with other people.” And the Pokemon Go servers.

Mostly the servers, to be honest.

"Take for example if your partner isn't dealing with some bad news in the best fashion possible," Deadpool said. "You know. Hypothetically."

Had nothing to do with him.

“Communication might also be a good idea there,” Vanessa said, not at all pointedly, nope.

"So, basically we're talking about two things here!" Ahahaha, their relationship drama as classroom fodder. "Which has nothing to do with your teachers, so don't ask."

Right, because they were professionals who could keep their private lives private oh wait. “Anyway. Patience! Sometimes someone is not going to come around to your way of thinking right away, or talk to you about what’s bugging them. So. You have to learn patience.” Great speech there Vanessa good job.

"And sometimes you have to spit it the fuck out rather than mope around like a whiney little pissbaby who was hiding from your problems instead of confronting them for the betterment of your relationships," Deadpool added with maybe a little vehemence. "God, I hope I learned that lesson and don't have to repeat it in the sequel…"

“Yes, I agree, but with maybe a little less swearing in front of the students, honey.”

Deadpool nodded in complete understanding. "Spit it the frick out. But I stand by pissbaby."

“So let’s talk about patience!” Vanessa said with slightly false brightness. She was still working on getting comfortable with this teaching thing. “When was a time you had to be patient, or that being patient would have helped you?”

stickitupmyjinx

When the students arrived for class this week, they would find their teachers engrossed in their phones. Vanessa glanced up long enough to say, “Oh, hey, so this week’s class is about--” and then she happened to glance down and exclaimed, “The server’s back up!”

"Yes, get here Rattatta number thirty," Deadpool said, intently waiting for his phone to get past the load screen. "I'm gonna name this one Rothman."

On the board there was a sloppily written: Find something to share with your partner! You know. If that helped the kids out more than the teachers currently were.

“This class is about shared interests,” Vanessa said, still without looking up from her phone. “You don’t have to like all the same things as your partner--like, I’m not a big fan of murder!--but if you have some of the same interests then you have things to talk about and do together.” You know. Like hunt cartoon animals with your phones. “So, what kind of things do you and your partner like to do together? Or what--hang on--no, it’s too far away--what kinds of things would you hope your partner would like to do with you? Not dirty. Well. Could be dirty.”

"And if any of you lil' pissants says football and don't put in an effort for her shit, you're gonna end up living the stereotype," Deadpool added. "For example, I go to strip clubs to support my boo."

Vanessa coughed pointedly, because she couldn’t exactly say ‘well, and also you get to look at tits,’ in front of the minors. “And I help Wade clean his guns! And we hunt ~~meta for~~ Pokemon Go together.” She brandished her phone. See? Clean wholesome fun! Just like that other stuff!

"Dratini!" Deadpool shouted, shooting up and out of the classroom before anything more could be added to the lecture. Look, you see a dragon type, you run before some other motherfucker catches it.

“Hey!” Vanessa exclaimed, racing after him.

They'd come back. Sooner or later.

captainskullpoopl

For class today, Deadpool arrived fifteen minutes late and carrying Starbucks. He was really committed to this entrance. It was a thing.

"Okay, so last week was the 4th of July and I see most of you still have your hands." A beat. "Good for you. Not having to know what a hand growing back looks like. That's a good thing. Though a pirate hook would be pretty sick."

It so would be.

"My lovely fiance can't join us today because this weekend was the worst thing ever. So, you get to deal with just me," he said cheerfully. "And since we didn't get introductions last week, let's get some of those. And, I don't know, tell me something about relationships you want help with. If this is a Cosmo question, at least make it an interesting one. Or the kind that would get you kicked out of class in a normal school where you don't wake up with random amnesia."

captainskullpoopl

While one teacher was decidedly Canadian, the other was not. Which would be why today neither of them were in the classroom.

There was a note on the board instead with:

The ~~fuck~~ are you kids doing here? Shoo. Go blow off a hand with a cherrybomb. We'll chat next week

Vanessa let him write it. It was a poor choice.

stickitupmyjinx

Vanessa was not covered in glitter, having taken one look outside and gotten out an umbrella, lest she look like she'd come to school from her old job at a strip club.

"Okay, so," she said. "Last class! Wow, time flies. I think the last thing I want to say is...it's okay to not have a relationship with someone. You can try to work things out, but if someone is manipulative, or abusive, or you just can't do it, then it's fine to walk away. I mean, if the other party is your minor child then you should probably make sure they'll be well cared for first, but. You're never trapped. And sometimes you're way better off that way. I haven't spoken to my parents in years, and believe me, I don't want to. And that's about everything I wanted to say. Are there any questions? Anything we didn't go over you want to talk about?"

stickitupmyjinx

"Let's talk about boundaries," Vanessa said today. "This may not actually be a concept you're familiar with, because I learned while researching--" ( Googling. )

stickitupmyjinx

"Okay," Vanessa said, "let's talk about what happens when times get tough. I don't mean when you have a fight. I mean when someone's sick, or dying, or in jail. Maybe it's you, and how do you relate to other people who are important to you while you're going through that kind of crisis? Maybe it's not you, maybe it's not the person you're in a relationship with, maybe a loved one of theirs, but maybe it is them. How do you support them and be there for them--and, and this is important, how do you make it not about you?

"So here's where I tell you guys a little bit about myself. My fiance had cancer. Of the...pretty much everything, by the time we found out. I mean, it's not--you don't survive that. But I couldn't accept that. I was ready to drag him to every doctor in the world if I had to if it got him another...week, month, day, whatever. And then I woke up one morning and Wade had walked out on me, and I thought he'd gone off somewhere to die where I wouldn't have to see him, and I was so angry. I didn't care how sick he was going to get. I just wanted him there, with me, for as long as possible. But it wasn't about me, and if he didn't want me to see him like that, that was his call." She paused, then said, more flip, "Came to find out he was off getting superpowers and a horrible skin condition, but I didn't know that at the time. The point is, it wasn't about me, and I was making it about me. I was forcing my help and my opinion where it wasn't wanted and it wasn't really any use. But Wade, instead of actually telling me that and us figuring out a mature solution, just ghosted on me, and he told himself he was doing it for me. So it's kind of the same thing, actually, he was making my pain--which was about him dying, but still--all about him and his presence in my life, and so he just did what he thought would help me without asking me what I actually needed from him. This is...we're still working through this.

"So that's really the takeaway here. It's not about you, except when it is about you, but even then you have to consider how you're impacting other people. But other people's crisises are not about your pain, and they're not about what you can jump in and do to fix it. You have to ask, and talk about it--"What can I do to help?" is a very important question, and if the answer is 'nothing,' then you have to accept that. At the very least you have to think about, 'Would this person want me to do this thing?' And I mean really think about it, not justify to yourself that of course they would want you to do the thing if it meant 'insert favorable outcome here' when you know better deep down.

"Has this ever happened to you?" Vanessa asked. "Not the superpowers cancer thing, but have you ever done something for a friend or loved one trying to help, without asking, and caused more problems? Or have you ever assumed someone would want something that turned out to be not what they wanted at all? You can share with the class if you want to, or you can just think about it. And remember, talk to people. You'll never get anything clear without communication."

stickitupmyjinx

If anyone actually made it to the classroom today, they would find a sign on the door:

What are you doing here? It's a national holiday. Go grill something.

So yeah. Go grill something.

captainskullpoopl

There was no hot chick waiting for the class today. Which was probably a bit of a downer. It certainly was for Deadpool. But that wasn't important right now.

"So, your teacher has things to do and I have been promised nice things in exchange for filling in for her," he said cheerfully. "Which means we're gonna watch a movie. Because my healthiest relationship has involved stalking, so... Not qualified."

At least he was up front about this?

"Enjoy the movie and maybe take a nice nap. I don't know, I'm not picky about this stuff. You do you, kids."

stickitupmyjinx

Vanessa was feeling more confident this week, because she'd already gotten her 'this is going to be a disaster' freakout out of the way the day before, when she'd woken up to find all of her clothes gone and become afraid she was going to have to teach this class in a bed sheet fashioned into a toga. The return of her clothes had left her much more calm about things.

"Communication," she said to her class. "You can use a lot of really cliche words like 'backbone' and key' in this sentence: 'Communication is the 'blank' to any healthy relationship.' Because here's the thing: they're all true. You don't really know someone if all you ever do is make small talk or have sex with them. You have to actually talk to them. And if you feel like you can't talk to them, like either they're closed off or you don't want to share information with them, then that's a red flag and you need to consider what that means. And when you encounter conflict in your relationship--which you definitely will--you have to talk about it. The silent treatment doesn't get anyone anywhere, and neither does letting one person assume they know what's going on while you go behind their back and do what you were going to do anyway." Wade.

( Not that she was still mad or anything... )

stickitupmyjinx

Oh, God, this was actually happening. There was an actual classroom, and actual students who would expect Vanessa to teach them things.

Okay, this was cool. She was cool. She could do this.

They were so young. Right, Vanessa, deep breath.

"Hi, guys!" she said, pasting a smile on her face. "I'm Vanessa Carlysle, and this is 'Building Healthy Relationships.' Now, you can just call me Vanessa, I don't think anyone's called me 'Miss Carlysle' in my life. And you might be wondering what qualifies me to teach a class on relationships, which, um, I've had a few? And after some serious bumps in the road, one of them is even working out pretty well! So, I don't know any of you, either, and I honestly didn't expect to get this job so I didn't really prepare for this," oh God. Had she said that part out loud? "So how about you introduce yourselves, and tell me something about you and why you took this class, what you want to learn, that sort of thing? That sound good?" She hoped it did, because she didn't have a better plan. "Who wants to start?"

scary-jeff.livejournal.com

Jeff was sitting on top of his desk today, his feet kicking back and forth through the air while he fiddled with his fingers. "Hey," he started, sounding a lot more downcast than usual. "The thing about relationships is-- the thing is," he said. "The thing is that sometimes they end, and you might not even know why."

"I fell into the trap of blaming apples when my last one ended. Well... not really. The apples just seemed like a convenient target. Basically... she ran into an old someone... else, and they decided to go off and explore their feelings together." Feet-wag. "Nobody tells you these things happen, you know? That 'exploring your feelings with someone else' really just means 'leaving'."

He smiled. It was a thin smile.

"My first relationship, I'd just graduated, I had to move away," he said. "She started the conversation, about... leaving. It felt like the world was ending. Like everything had just come to a stop. I didn't know what to do with myself without her. So I ran off. Did a lot of drinking. Tried to talk to women again, but it took me ages to stop comparing enough to stop making an arse out of myself, and by then I was making an arse out of myself for completely different reasons. 'Coz I was nervous."

He shrugged. "No assignment this time," he said. "This is the end. And nothing prepares you for the end. Not even apples."

He helpfully produced a basket of apples and set it down next to him. "They're tasty, though," he offered. "So take one and think about it."

Beat.

"And remember: you really can't explode of having too much sperm locked up in your pants."

Thank you, Jeffrey. Thank you.

scary-jeff.livejournal.com

"Hello," said Jeff.

Yes, Jeff. We'd been through this weeks ago.

"Er, okay, so today we're going to have more of a practical exercise," he began. "Normally, when you get... intimate... everything goes a bit smoothly. I mean, you may fall off the bed or swallow a pair of knickers, but nothing really terrible happens."

Jeff might have had some experience with these issues.

"But sometimes something goes so spectacularly wrong that you have to make a run for it," he said. "I mean, don't run away, obviously, but run off and... find a fix." Beat. "Something to fix things. Sorry, that came out wrong, I wasn't trying to make you do drugs or anything like that."

Yes.

"So, the first thing you'll do is come up with an excuse to leave the room in the middle of... activities," he said. "Then you'll run into town and you'll have twenty minutes to get one of each of these items." He held up a list. "Laxative," he began. "Duct tape. WD-40. A toothpick." Pause. "And of course a cupcake or wine or something just in case she-- or he-- is a bit cross 'cause you just ran off for twenty minutes."

He dropped the list. "You're allowed to work together," he said solemnly, "But remember, when it comes right down to it, this terrible mile will be a lonely one."

scary-jeff.livejournal.com

"Today, I'm going to talk to you about dating myths," Jeff announced. "I'm sure you've all heard one or two--" he was probably personally responsible for tossing several dozen into the pool, and if he hadn't accomplished that with this group, he was probably about to start, "--and they can really make it difficult for a man-- or a woman-- what's really going on."

"For example, as it turns out, your mother won't actually turn up with a miniature guillotine if you kiss someone," he said wisely. "I know many of you must have worried about that." No, just you, Jeff. "If someone tells you they've got a surprise for you and you're at the office, the proper response is not to start stripping--" Not a myth, Jeff, just something stupid you did, "--because it could be a birthday party."

He gave them all the thumbs up.

"You can't actually explode from not having sex for a long time," he continued, "though you can actually swallow handcuff keys. I've got a list of useful laxatives if you need it." Yes. "And if you ever have a manly reaction at a funeral, the best thing you can do is just to go out the door. Do not under any circumstance hide behind a coffin!"

Hey, that one wasn't him. That one was Steve.

"And, er, what was I talking about again?"

Myths, Jeff. Not that you'd been talking about any for at least three out of the last five minutes. "Oh, right, the fork," he said, thinking aloud. "All right. This one is actually really important. Some of us - often men, but I don't want to discriminate, so let's just say some - tend to be really direct about everything. We just ask people if they want to have sex."

Well, possibly not Jeff. Jeff would probably tell ten terrible lies and then hide under a duvet. "Other people are not so straightforward," he continued. "They'll be all nice and acting like they want to be friends and everything, so you go along with it and you're talking normally, and then suddenly they hit you with the Fork."

"They ask you a question, and it's not immediately obvious, but there are only two possible answers." He gestured wildly. This was a traumatizing experience from his past. "Either you have sex with them, or you tell them they're ugly. That's the Fork. Always be wary of the Fork! The Fork could strike at any time!"

Yes.

"In no case should you try to wriggle out of the Fork," he finished. "Trust me on this one. It never ends well." In his case, it ended in the girl assuming he was a necrophiliac.

He paused for a while. "I was just going to tell you to ask me about any myths you may have heard, but that's a good one, actually," he said. "Pair up in teams of two. One of you lures the other person into the fork, and the other person has to get out of it because they're already dating someone."

scary-jeff.livejournal.com

"So you've gotten around to the naked bits," Jeff began.

Sitting in front of every student was a dress-up doll and a bunch of stickers with numbers on them. This was going to go marvelously well, obviously.

"Congratulations," he added, whole-heartedly, and gave them both thumbs up. "But! Now comes the really tricky bit." Because clearly things hadn't been tricky enough up to this point. "Clothes! There's a lot that can go really really wrong when you're taking your clothes off. And I'm not just talking about getting stuck in your own trousers and falling off the bed or anything, because that's the advanced stuff. No, I'm talking about the really elementary thing, the overlooked problem that could send you soaring screaming to apocalyptic doom: Socks!"

Anyone who'd paid attention to their dolls might at this point notice that they were, in fact, all also wearing socks. That amount of attention to detail was what made Jeff's class what it was, all right?

"The most important question when you're about to get with someone is this. When do you take your socks off? The timing is critical. It's got to be after your shoes, obviously, but before your pants, because otherwise you're a naked man in socks--"

Beat.

"Or a naked woman in socks. Actually, I'm not sure how this works for women exactly, but I can tell you this: no woman would let a naked man in socks do the squelchy with her. This is the Sock Gap, the most deadly trap in all the realms of earthly delights. Don't laugh! Many men have fallen through it before you. Maybe many women have, too."

He gestured with abandon as he spoke. "The corpses of a million squelchy bits lay here in this naked pit of Socks!" he announced. "And only you have the power to keep yourself from joining them!"

He picked up a sheet of stickers. "You have three minutes," he said, "To label all the items of clothing on the dolls in the order you would have to take them off to avoid falling into the Sock Gap, or tying up your legs and falling off, or getting stuck in the Prison of Sleeves-- there are many ways to wander off the path, students! You will not do so on my watch!"

... Yes.

Thank you, Jeff.

scary-jeff.livejournal.com

"So you've said hello and you've done the NAT thing and everything," Jeff began, "and then things start moving along, you know? Like it's an actual relationship and the girl-- or boy-- actually really likes you. And it seems like bliss, you know? Someone has actively passed you the keys to paradise." He gestured to make this clear. "And you're ready. You're really really ready. But!"

He slammed his hands down on the desk.

"There's the elephant in the room, isn't there?" he said. "There's always going to be an elephant. Staring at you. Waving around its voyeuristic trunk of life-destruction."

Yes, he was illustrating that with his hands, too.

"Because see, at the beginning, at the very start, you were so nervous, you told this one terrible lie. This one horrible, wretched thing that is now devouring you from both ends and fusing your poor pants to your valuables!"

Getting a bit too graphic now, Jeffrey.

"And you know you can't have sex with her or she'll find out what's going on in your drawers and she'll run really fast and leave you alone again, but you can't not have sex with her either because she's your girlfriend, but she doesn't know yet, so she's like, she's, like--" His voice was starting to go shrill, "Schroedinger's girlfriend!"

He made a little choking noise.

"What do you do?" he declared to the class. "What. Do you. Do?!"

There was a long silence.

Which grew longer. And longer. And longer.

Okay, so maybe Jeff didn't have an answer to that.

Finally, he just produced a very large glass jar with a lot of notes in it and gestured at it. He was clearly having trouble speaking, but surely they could divine the meaning of this test now, right?

( Possible notes ranked one to ten. )

scary-jeff.livejournal.com

Today, Jeff wasn't just in the classroom - he was actually making use of the blackboard as if he were a proper teacher and everything. Be proud, students! Be proud!

He had written three letters on the board. Three big, important letters. N.A.T.

As soon as everyone had entered, he took out a laser pointer and pointed the little dot at the letters in turn. "Nose... avoidance... tilting," he said, drawing out every word like it was the most important thing in the world. "It's the gateway to intimate squelching! This is where every relationship starts. If you've made it through the hello bit, this is the next big hurdle!"

Yes. Indeed.

"It's that moment where you catch someone, or run into them, or stand really close, and they sort of tilt their head a bit, and you tilt your head a bit. It could turn into a kiss, but it isn't a kiss! Yet!"

This was important!

"Though if N.A.T. does immediately lead to a kiss, this isn't a terrible thing," Jeff was quick to assure them. "Your mother isn't actually monitoring everything you do, waiting to attack you with a miniature guillotine if you kiss a woman." Beat. "Or a man. So it's safe! It's completely safe."

Thank you, Jeff. No one had been worried about but you.

"Now, N.A.T. is not an exact science," he continued. "How can you be sure if there's N.A.T.? Maybe she's just trying to see if you've got hair coming out of your nose. Maybe you've actually just acquired a really large freckle. Maybe you've got mustard stuck on your lip and she's actually really disturbed by it."

He gestured towards a stack of hand puppets. "Since making you all practice on each other is illegal and everything," he said, "I brought puppets! So you can all pick a partner and, er, have a conversation, and then if the moment feels right, the puppets can do N.A.T. Or examine each other's moles, if the conversation went badly."

He beamed at the class. "It's all about practice!" he said. "N.A.T. is no laughing matter."

Uh-huh, Jeff.

scary-jeff.livejournal.com

If anyone had been in Jeff and Jamie's class last semester, the first thing they would notice was that this was actually taking place in a normal classroom. There wasn't a stage set up, and no one was dancing.

There was, however, Jeff.

"Hello," said Jeff.

Hello, Jeff.

"So, er, I should be doing some kind of introduction, right? That's what you do in new classes. Introductions." Beat. "Or dancing. But I thought I'd leave that until there's more of a backing thing going on. I mean, I wouldn't force you into being backing dancers right on the first go. Especially not when this class is about something this serious and important."

He regarded every person in the class with an intense look, one after the other.

"Relationships," he announced, and left a short pause there to make it sound more serious, "are like traps. Like a dozen traps, and each trap is shaped differently and has its own rules. You can't apply the rules of one trap to the next trap or you'll wind up trapped, and that's... really, really terrible!"

Were you still following, class? Good.

"I've weathered these traps," he continued. "I am a veteran of the minefield of relationships. The minefield of traps. And today, and for the next few weeks, I will share my knowledge with you!" He was gesturing heavily by now, because that always helped one make one's point, and also just because he was Jeff.

"And since this is introduction week, I'll be talking about the first, and potentially worst of relationship traps: starting a conversation." He gave a visible tremble. "What do you say to a woman? ... Or a man. What do you say to a woman or a man you've never met before? I mean sure, 'hello' is obvious, but where do you go from there? After 'hello', you're sort of on your own, aren't you?"

He'd had some terrible hellos in his time, too. But that was, like, intermediate stuff.

"What if you say hello, and then nothing comes out? Well, here's a suggestion from my friend Steve: don't try to tell the woman - or man - that there's been someone breathing behind them the whole time. Make something better up! Something brilliant! And call him if you do." He took a breath. "Or maybe it's worse, and you do say something, but it's terrible: maybe you told her her ears look gorgeous, or maybe you started talking about someone's leg. Think further than what you see!"

Beat.

"And if you do say a stupid lie, don't keep making more of them up. That ends badly."

He pointed at various individuals in the group. "You and you, you and you..." he started. "I want you to practice talking. Come up with a strategy! After hello, what do you say? Remember: no body parts. Or fruits. Even vegetables are a bit on the off side."

There was a pause so long a student would be excused for thinking they were supposed to have started the assignment by now.

"Oh, and I'm Jeff. Jeff Murdock."

baskiceball.livejournal.com

There was a bunch of candy, pizza and other ~~moddable~~ snacks around the room today. Marshall had already had already dug in, judging from the pizza sauce on his face.

"So today's the last day of class. I hate teaching on the last day of class because, one, I'm going to miss you guys and, two, I'm already distracted by not having to work for a whole week. So we'll make this quick," he said. "As I'm sure you've realized by now you can't really learn about relationships from a class. It's something you have to learn on your own through experiences. I can help give you tips on good decision making but I can't be at your side when real trouble shows up. All I can say is that if you use your head and your heart then you'll be fine. And don't expect every relationship to work out. Sometimes they don't. That doesn't mean you screwed up. It just meant that you weren't meant to be together."

"Okay, enough with that crap, let's eat pizza and watch TV," he said. "I brought the greatest movie ever for us to watch."

Current Mood: hungry

baskiceball.livejournal.com

The classroom smelled a lot like pineapple today. The smell would only get worse the closer you got towards Marshall. Hope you like fruit.

“Hey guys. I hope you had better weekends than I did. I spent most of it as a fruit and my wife used my butt as a spider squasher,” Marshall said. “It was gross.”

“Anyways, we talked about fights this week and today we’re going to be talking about making up from said fights. Making up isn’t always easy. Sure, sometimes flowers and weepy apologies work but sometimes you have to really work at it—especially if you were a huge jerk,” he said. “The great news is after you make up you get to have make up sex. Make up sex is some of the greatest sex you can have. Don’t worry. I won’t go into detail about that and creep you out.”

“When making up the first thing you want to do is start with the verbal apology. Admitting you are wrong has a lot of power since most people are stubborn bastards most of the time. It sucks and it’s tough to do but it’ll get you a lot of points,” Marshall said. “And if you’re on the receiving end of a person apologizing please acknowledge how hard it was for them and ease up a bit. Making up takes two people.”

“The crappy fact is that sometimes it just takes time. People need their space after a fight, they need to think things through and you need to give them that space,” Marshall said. “But don’t give them too much space otherwise they might think you don’t care anymore. Timing is everything.”

“Oh, and another important thing? Tread lightly after a fight. You may have made up but your significant other isn’t going to forget about it anytime soon. You just want to be very, very nice for a month or so after,” Marshall paused. “I mean, you should be nice all the time but be extra super duper nice after a fight.”

Marshall folded his arms over his chest. “I was going to have you guys do some fighting and then making up but that’s just way too depressing. Today we’re going to sit in a circle and say nice things about each other. I don’t care if you compliment someone’s socks. Today we’re all being nice.”

Current Mood: We all love each other here

baskiceball.livejournal.com

Marshall had ~~handwavily~~ asked his students to show up at the Danger Shop today. It had been transformed into a boxing ring and Marshall was standing in the middle. He looked a little uncomfortable today as he stood up in front of the class. He had eaten way too much candy over the weekend. He was pretty sure he needed to go see a dentist or something.

( Arguing )

Current Mood: fight-y

baskiceball.livejournal.com

“So you’ve guys survived first dates, first kisses and are now in an established relationship. Yay!” Marshall said, clapping his hands together. “You now have a person to share everything with and spend every waking moment with. Okay, maybe not every waking moment, cause you don’t see Lily in here right now, but close.”

“Part of your responsibilities when you get into a relationship is integrating your girl or boyfriend in with your friends or family. Mixing your friends with your significant other shouldn’t be too hard. After all, you and your friends have stuff in common and you and your girl/boyfriend have stuff in common. The logical assumption would be that your friends and your boy/girlfriend would have stuff in common,” Marshall said. “Easy. My wife and I have all the same friends. Except for Brad. But he and I have a weird relationship…”

Marshall coughed. “Anyways. Family is not as easy. Your friends are protective but your family is super, super protective. And your family is also more likely to tell embarrassing stories and break out pictures of you. No, they don’t really hate you. They just care in a mean fashion.”

“And it’s just as nerve-wracking when you meet someone else’s parents for the first time. The most important thing to do in that situation is relax and be yourself. The first few times you meet your significant other’s parents you should treat them like you would treat your boss,” he said. “Be polite but be interesting. If they make a mean comment to you just pretend to ignore because you don’t want to get fired. And no sex stories.”

“So today we’re going to watch a movie about somebody meeting someone’s parents for the first time. This is pretty much a “what not to do” video,” he said. “Have fun!”

[OCD up]

Current Mood: chipper

baskiceball.livejournal.com

Marshall was still dressed like a pirate when he held class on Monday. He didn’t seem to be too perturbed about it. Pirates wore some pretty comfy clothing, even if they were kind of hot.

“Okay guys, so you’ve asked somebody out on a date and they accepted. Yay! Now you have to not make an ass out of yourself on said date,” he said. “That’s harder than it sounds.”

( Here is a cut tag. Enjoy! )

[OCD up]

baskiceball.livejournal.com

Marshall had ~~handwavily~~ asked the students to meet him at the Danger Shop today. It looked like a normal classroom for the moment.

“Okay guys, today we’re going to cover where a good place to meet future girl/boyfriends is. I am not going to say that these rules are set in stone. Love is a very mysterious thing and can strike anywhere,” Marshall said. “You could meet your future husband or wife in a ball pit at McDonald’s. Just make sure they had an okay reason for being in the ball pit in the first place. There are some sick weirdos out there...”

“So, let’s start with bars. Bars...great place to meet people, yes. Great place to meet potential boy or girlfriends? Not so much. Most people at bars are looking for, well, you know what they’re looking for,” Marshall said. “Not that is a bad thing. But this class is about relationships, not one night stands. Weddings and funerals? Also not good. It’s just wrong to pick up people at funerals. Weddings seem like a good idea but single women are usually emotional wrecks during weddings and the men are most likely drunk. Any number you get from weddings should be dialed with caution.”

“Good places to meet people: schools, the park, places with karaoke, laser tag, grocery stores…pretty much any place where you are doing normal everyday things. It’s less pressure to be cool for everyone involved,” Marshall said. He paused. “Okay, laser tag and karaoke aren’t really normal but if you find somebody interested in either then they are definitely a keeper.”

“So you’re at laser tag, the grocery store, whatever and you find somebody you’re interested in. That’s only half the battle. You’ve got to actually start on a conversation and ask for a date,” Marshall smiled. “Which is what we’ll be doing today.”

“I’ve assigned you all a partner and a place. One of you will have the job of asking the other person out on a date,” Marshall said. “Good luck.”

[OCD up!]

Current Mood: chipper

baskiceball.livejournal.com

Marshall couldn’t shake the feeling that he was being followed by someone (or something) and his nervousness probably showed when he came into class. He was looking under his desk when he noticed it was time for class to start.

“Oh hey--OW!” Marshall hit his hand on the underside of the desk. He waved his hand at his students. “Don’t worry about me, I’m used to doing that.”

“For those of you who don’t know me, I’m Marshall Eriksen and I’ll be teaching you about relationships this semester. I guess I should start by telling you about my relationship experience. Uh, I’m married to Lily Aldrin, who is teaching here. We’ve been married for almost three months now. I realize that’s not very long but I’ve been in the same relationship for almost ten years,” Marshall said, smiling. “So if you’re interesting in being in a long-term relationship, you’re not going to get a much better teacher than me.”

“I understand that some of you might have been in a relationship class with Professor Stinson before,” Marshall sighed and scratched his head. “It’s probably best if you just forget everything he’s ever taught you. The man knows how to pick up chicks but he’s not so good at keeping them. Mostly because he doesn’t want to.”

“So this semester we’re going to cover how to meet members of the opposite (or same) sex, what to do on dates, how to balance friendships and relationships, meeting the family and, most importantly, what to do when fights come up,” he said. “And they are going to come up. There’s no such thing as a fight-free relationship.”

“Today let’s start by introducing ourselves. Tell me your name, where you’re from, what you’re looking for in a significant other--Jesus!” Marshall thought he saw a flicker of movement coming from the corner of the room and jumped. “I-I’m sorry. Thought I saw something...awful.”

Marshall looked warily over at the corner again but saw nothing. “If you have any questions for me feel free to see me after class.”

[OCD up!]

Fandom High RPG

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Entries tagged with relationships

Relationship Skills, Friday Period 3

Relationship Skills, Friday Period 3

Relationship Skills, Friday Period 3

Relationships for Dummies, Monday

Relationships for Dummies, Monday - 2nd Period

Relationships for Dummies, Monday - 2nd Period

Relationships for Dummies, Monday - 2nd Period

Relationships for Dummies, Monday - 2nd Period

Relationships for Dummies, Monday - 2nd Period

Relationships for Dummies, Monday - 2nd Period

Building Healthy Relationships, Monday, Period 4

Building Healthy Relationships, Monday, Period 4

Building Healthy Relationships, Monday, Period 4

Building Healthy Relationships, Monday, Period 4

Building Healthy Relationships, Monday - Period 4

Building Healthy Relationships, Monday, Period 4

Building Healthy Relationships, Monday, Period 4

Relationship Ed, Monday

Relationship Ed, Monday

Relationship Ed, Monday

Relationship Ed, Monday

Relationship Ed, Monday

Relationship Ed, Monday

Relationship Ed, Monday

Relationships: How To Do Them The Right Way - Monday - Period 3

Relationships: How To Do It The Right Way - Monday - Period Three

Relationships: How To Do It The Right Way - Monday - Period Three

Relationships: How To Do It The Right Way - Monday - Period Three

Relationships: How To Do It The Right Way - Monday - Period Three

Relationships: How To Do It The Right Way - Monday - Period Three

Relationships: How To Do It The Right Way - Monday - Period Three

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