Fandom High School

Sirius had remembered to wear gloves this time in his quest, so a very unbitten and quite smug teacher was standing before them with a smile on his face and a gremlin in a cage.

"I'm certain some of you have already recognized this," he began, "but for those of you who are unobservant, this is a Fandom gremlin, not to be mistaken for the gremlins that tried to kill us some time back."

"Many of you have had experience with these delightful little creatures," Remus continued, patting the cage with his own gloved hand and smiling smugly at Sirius. "While they're not exactly dark creatures so much as vermin, they're certainly annoying, aren't they?"

"Very," Sirius said with some venom. "Where they find the costumes for you to wear is a mystery for the ages, so don't try to figure that out. Today's assignment is for you to sketch out a picture of the gremlin--wear gloves as you approach if you don't feel like getting bit and looking like an idiot in front of your classmates for the period--and to list three gremlin bite transformations you have either heard of, experienced personally, or hope happen to someone you don't care for."

"Next week is your break," Sirius said with a slightly evil smile. "Which is lucky, as this week we have an interactive midterm for you to work on while you're supposed to be relaxing."

"Today we're assigning your pairs -- and one group of three. Over the course of the week, you will be playing Spy versus Spy! attempting to disarm one another. I cannot stress this enough, though -- any injuries will result in no credit and an immediate detention, and that's the very least of your concerns at that point. Your opponent will need to declare a surrender to denote a victory. You may agree upon the terms during this class, but anyone using their powers to hurt another student will, again, be severely punished."

Sirius held up really ugly belts with red flags attached to them. Someone had been raiding the gym supply closet....

"So you'll be wearing these. The first of the pair to steal the other person's flag wins. Listen carefully for your names. " He waved his wand and a piece of parchment appeared:

Kennedy v Tony Foster
Jack Priest v Mirax Terrik
Dru Anderson v Lois Lane
Helen Haras-Uquara v Makita
Chuck Bartowski v Proto
Jonas v Warren Worthington III
Charles Gunn v Leda
Jon O'Neill v Hinata Hyuuga v Liz Sherman (v Jon O'Neill)

Today, the classroom had a bit of an artificial warmth to it. Remus had magically ensured as much, as the windows were open. And why was that? Because today's guests were, well, aromatic.

"Welcome to our zombie lesson!" Sirius said.

"In our world," Remus said, ever the educator even in the face of...zombies, "they are called Inferi. They're dormant guards for dark wizards, and will work in groups to smother or drown an intruder. Here, from what I can tell, zombies are human victims of the bite of another zombie. And since zombies feed on human flesh, it creates a cycle of constant biting and infecting."

"And sometimes they play music down at the local pub," Sirius said, looking a little confused by that. "And in films, they shuffle faster than living people at a dead sprint. How that works is a mystery for the ages. The lesson to glean from this, children," he said, pointing a finger at the Inferi, "is that the dead should stay dead. This is no way to come back." He clapped his hands together. "Today we offer you two options for interaction: taping back our poor friends' parts onto themselves, or constructing a breathing mask so that the smell doesn't knock you out."

"Or both," Remus added. "You may need it."

Remus was looking far from his usual affable self today. Not only was he a bit peaky, but his demeanor was decidedly controlled -- though pleasant as always. "Hello, class. Today we're talking about dark creatures that have an ethical dilemma attached -- namely, that they are -- or were -- human, and still have human thoughts, emotions, and impulses. From what I understand, vampires are hardly unfamiliar territory to this school. Where we are from, vampires are created via a human's receipt of a bite from another vampire. Vampires are not born -- they're created. They might be your brothers, or sisters, or husbands or wives or mothers or fathers or friends. It makes the decision about what to do with them all the trickier."

And Sirius was lounging against his usual desk but his body language decidedly less bored today. He glanced over at Remus and gave him a quick smile. "The same is true for werewolves," he continued. "In our world, if a transformed werewolf bites a human, that person will also turn into a werewolf. If someone is bitten by a werewolf who is in his or her human form, the victim will just have some lupine tendencies--generally a strong urge for raw meat. Werewolves change form with the full moon, while vampires remain vampires all year long. A third group of beings--hags--are a savage sort of witch who eat children and raw liver." He barked a laugh. "Hags are the reason that centaurs and merpeople chose to be classified as beasts rather than be in the same category as their sort."

"However," Remus added, "our Ministry still categorizes them as dangerous, just because of the power of which they are capable -- though whether they'll use, much less abuse, that power is unlikely. The others -- werewolves in particular -- are able to control their mental faculties, and are human the vast majority of their time." And if Remus sounded a touch resentful there, well, he was having a moment of difficulty there. "There's a great deal of political controversy at home for us -- for these people who have been turned into humanoid dark creatures, and whether they should be afforded the same rights as regular human witches and wizards."

Sirius nodded vigorously, shifting a little toward Remus. "For most of them, it wasn't some sort of lifestyle choice. They didn't choose to be bitten. But logic seldom has a place in these sorts of arguments. And it's better not to be bit through ignorance, so today we're going to make sure you know how to tell the difference between vampires and humans, and wolves and werewolves, hags and just unattractive people."

Remus was wearing even shabbier than usual robes today. His normal ones had been doused in aubergine juice the day prior. "Yesterday," he said tiredly, "if you left the dorms at all, you undoubtedly ran into those lovely, enormous vegetables. Now, that's -- from what I understand -- fairly typical of this island, but where we're from, those sorts of results are typical of a charm gone awry. Things don't necessarily have to have dark intentions to cause mayhem, you see."

Sirius leaned back against the desk and carefully scanned the faces of the students. "Though if you were responsible for the giant rutabagas, we won't be angry if you want to talk to us about where you might have gone a bit...awry." He was rather unhappy he hadn't thought to chase Snape through Hogwarts with giant sentient cabbages. He turned his head to look at Remus, eyes twinkling. "As an old colleague of ours is fond of saying, though, CONSTANT VIGILANCE!" He boomed those last few words with far too much vigor.

"Often," Remus added, rolling his eyes slightly. "In any instance, yesterday was so fun, we thought we might try it again." This would be when from behind the desk, Remus levitated a few cages of bewitched, slightly-enlarged fruits. "Well, not exactly. From what I'm given to understand, you need vegetables and fruit. Have fun. Use what you have on you."

Sirius smiled a bit evilly. "Shame we're not in the Danger Shop, really. No traditional weapons in the classroom."

And with that, Remus flicked his wand and opened the cages.

Today's session was back in the usual classroom, though space had been cleared in the center of the room. The sky overhead was enchanted a bright blue, possibly to counteract the glare on Sirius's face.

"In our world, there are three spells that are known as the Unforgivable Curses," Sirius began, not looking at Remus as he took a spider from a glass jar and placed it on the desk in front of him. There had been Words about this particular lesson plan. "Using them on an another human being guarantees you a lifetime spent in Azkaban Prison. Since today's lesson is about mind control, and you are all mature students it seems appropriate to show you an example of the Imperius Curse." Sirius pointed his wand at the spider, murmuring, "Engorgio," and the spider tripled in size, so that all of the students could see it clearly. "Under the spell of Imperius, the victim is completely under the control of the witch or wizard who cast it. The very strong-willed can shake off the Imperius Curse," Sirius continued as the spider wiggled its legs around, "but it is a very difficult thing to learn." He waved his wand again and muttered, "Imperio." The spider stopped moving. Without looking at Remus, Sirius commanded the spider quietly, "Dance."

It was really excellent that he wasn't looking at Remus, as the man in question looked absolutely furious at the use of the curse in class. That was not in the lesson plan, which Remus had carefully written out and Sirius had undoubtedly not read at all. The spider, as it happened, did dance, its legs flailing out in a sick little tapdance. "The Imperius is one of the three Unforgivable Curses in our world," he said, glaring daggers at Sirius, "which are called that for a reason. Mind control is not something to experiment with. Outside of the experience of myself and Professor Black, I understand that there are a number of you who know of practices like this in your own home worlds. Even in the Muggle world, brainwashing is not a horribly-unheard-of practice. There are few things more terrifying than not being in control of your own actions." And if anyone would know, he would. "So, why does this sort of mind-control seem to be so common across universes? Is it simply that inherent desire to control that which you can't?"

"And after you've answered those questions, we'd like you to participate in an exercise," Sirius said, returning the spider to its normal size, popping it back into its jar, and then shooting Remus the sort of insolent look that had sent Snape into a fury when they were all students together. "We're going to pair you up to play Simon Says." After a very brief explanation of the game, Sirius reached for a sheet of parchment. "The following people are Simons. The rest of you must follow their instructions."

( Don't forget to say 'Simon Says'! )

Today the classroom's ceiling was enchanted a cheery blue and the windows were open to let in the breeze. The guests of the week were slightly...well, rank.

"In our first class, zombies were mentioned as being an example of a dark art," Sirius began, giving their exhibits a slightly wary look. But it stopped him from staring rudely at the class. "And while some of the zombies in this town play musical instruments," which was still bloody odd, "that is hardly the, er, preferred career choice for the shuffling undead."

"No, the undead tend to find employment...er, such as it is, under the direction of functioning, living evil creatures. In our world, they're called Inferi, and they serve as dormant guards, until they're disturbed," Remus said. "They they drag their victim down to smother him or her, or drown, as the case may be. Zombies in general, however, from what we've learned in our time here, are often the victims of a sort of virus. Being bitten by a zombie will infect the victim with the condition as well, and since zombies feed on human flesh, it's a cycle of constant biting and infecting. I imagine this is why this genre of film is so popular -- it's a perfect formula."

Sirius nodded. "Though why the people at a dead sprint always lose to things that are losing their limbs remains a mystery for the ages. The lesson to glean from this, children, is that the dead should stay dead. This--" he jerked a thumb toward the Inferi, "--is no way to come back." He clasped his hands together. "Today we offer you two options for interaction: taping back our poor friends' parts onto themselves, or working on a breathing mask so that the smell doesn't knock you out."

"And, ladies and...." Remus stared at the class for a moment before clearing his throat and continuing, "well, gentlemen, we have extra credit for you this week. If you get a chance, go down to the bar and try to interview the zombies in the band there. We're not sure what they'll have to say, but they'll be a different experience from our Inferi."

The Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom today resembled a farmers' market. Under the enchanted sky (today a clear blue), there were bins of various objects: cabbages, sticks, potatoes, and logs.

"Good afternoon, class," Remus said as they entered, the desks shoved to the sides of the classroom. "Today we tackle the problem of camouflaged enemies. Since this is only the second week of class, we're starting you out small. Each of these bins contains both perfectly innocuous objects, and creatures that resemble them. None of them is particularly dangerous -- however, you are all welcome to a pair of gloves, should you feel the need."

He paused, and continued, "While these animals are all from our world, specifically, it is hardly uncommon for creatures, both dark and light, to conceal themselves by masquerading as something else. For instance, most jungle-dwelling large cats have patterns that resemble shadows from their natural environment, so as to blend in all the better and stalk their prey."

"Some modifications can serve defensive purposes," Sirius added. "And some--like a Whomping Willow--" his eyes twinkled at Remus, "--are just ornery." Sirius nodded and gestured at the bins. "In today's exercise, you're looking to differentiate dugbogs from logs, bowtruckles from sticks, gnomes from potatoes and Chinese Chomping Cabbages from, erm, cabbages." He began passing around sheets of parchment breaking down the differences between the various objects.

"And as a final note, next week we will be covering boggarts, which take the form of your greatest fear," Remus added. "If you'd like to be excused from class in advance, do please see Professor Black or myself during our office hours."

[OOC: Preplayed with lycanthromoony, the excessive OCD is up! Have at it!]