Fandom High School

"Just me this week!" Vanessa said cheerily to her students. "Wade is busy with a freelance job...somewhere. Maybe China? I don't know, I didn't pay attention. Anyway, while he's gone I thought we'd watch a movie about--oh, it's rated R. Oh, well, we're watching it anyway. Don't tell the moose. It's a movie about a hit man! With a very important moral about not messing with a man's dog, which is not really the point of this class, but is a good thing to learn anyway. So get comfy, get your snacks out, and enjoy!"

"Hey, kids!" Vanessa said at the beginning of today's class. "Today we're going to talk about pregnancy, and how it sucks and is definitely something you should only do if you're an adult who's one hundred percent sure you want a kid! Did we cover that already? If we did, we're covering it some more, because it's super important!"

"Also, the pregnancy bellies we ordered finally came in while we were stuck in Greece," Wade added, already trying one on. Because that seemed like the thing to do.

"Also that!" Vanessa agreed. "Really excited to be back in the land of the internet and indoor plumbing! But for now, everybody grab a pregnancy belly and strap it on, and experience a little of what a woman experiences when she is nine months pregnant. Like, the weight, yes, but without the bonus of all your organs being displaced or a kid kicking you in the ribs while parked on your bladder." She wasn't going to even talk about the hemorrhoids because as someone who might possibly be pregnant at some point, she tried not to think about the hemorrhoids.

Wade would totally buy her one of those nice pillows for it at least. Which was nice.

"And the heartburn! Linda, from my mommy group on Facebook--" Don't question why he had a mommy group. "--said it's the worst thing ever. Maybe we should have bought the kids some Thai food for that."

"Plus if you're really lucky your boobs might be leaking milk already," Vanessa added, because, fun! "And, oh, what else am I forgetting? Does everyone have their belly on yet?"

"I already have to pee," Wade declared proudly.

"It's working! So what does everybody think of this experience? Fun, right? Definitely not something you want to do again any time soon?"

"Oh! Oh! Homework!" Yes, that was a thing they never did. "Wear it for the rest of the day or longer and then get back to use next week."

"If you wear it all week, you get, I don't know, extra credit? Let's go with that. You get extra credit."

They were awesome teachers.

Written on the board was a three step plan. Step one was 'find a fortune teller', step two was a doodle of someone who looked a lot like Wade stabbing someone in the head, and step three was 'money'. Which was helpful, sure. Helpful and made perfect sense.

"Today we're moving to the other end of the circle of life--" There was a moment as Wade held up his phone to once again earworm everyone in the room. "--the death side. The side where we're not legally allowed to talk about. Wink wink. I'm saying 'wink wink' because of the mask, you see."

"All of this, unlike the stuff about the condoms last week, is purely hypothetical information we are totally not encouraging you to act on," Vanessa said. "Unless the legal system is really different where you're from or you just want to, of course. Is that a good enough disclaimer?" she asked Wade. "I thought that was pretty good."

"A+, babe," he said like a loving, supportive fiance? Husband? It was confusing. "Soooo, you wanna get in the biz. That's what we call it, The Biz. First, you gotta show moxie. And then you gotta show willingness to do what it takes to complete the job. And then you gotta show that you won't be blabbing about it like that motherfucker Richard Kuklinski. No interviews. None."

"It can be tough at first, because you have to build up a reputation by word of mouth, but not one that will draw the attention of the police." Vanessa considered. "Actually, that's true about my old job, too."

"Maybe work your way up to it," Wade suggested. "Start beating people up for money. I got hired to rough people up all the time."

Terminally rough them up, but still.

Vanessa nodded. "Networking can also be a thing, but when dealing with other people in The Biz you gotta be careful they don't think you're a cop. Or too annoying. Either way, they'll probably kill you. And then once you're in the door, remember, you've got to pay your dues, like any other job. In this case that means the jobs your new friends toss you will probably be the ones they suspect of being cops or likely to get you killed. It's a theme."

"So! Moral of the story, don't be a cop. Don't get killed." He leaned back against the blackboard. "I feel like we've all learned something here, don't you?"

They were great at this, really. "And for your discussion time..." Uh... "Talk about one thing you'd do when you're trying to break into 'The Biz.'" Yes, she did the finger quotes. "That's not either of the things we already covered."

"Hey, everyone!" Vanessa said with a cheery wave. "I can't believe you signed up for our class!" Especially after Wade wrote the description. "You may, uh, be wondering what this class even is." That was fair.

"My description was a masterpiece," Wade hissed at the class. "Well, it was better written than whatever they're calling the DC movie universe these days."

"So, here's what's going on," Vanessa said. "I am a sex worker--well, former. Well, mostly. And Wade is a mercenary! So we decided we'd play to our strengths and teach you about safe sex and how to kill people. Not...at the same time...I can't even say 'unless that's what you're into' because snuff is super illegal, folks."

"None of them are Hollywood executives, so I think we're safe on that." Thanks, Wade. "And, just in case this was what you signed up for..."

He took a moment to fiddle with his phone, cursing under his breath before yanking a glove off with his teeth to use the touch screen and play a song for them.

And now the ones who weren't familiar with Disney would know what they would have stuck in their head all semester! Vanessa waited until the song was over and said, "I'm Vanessa, by the way, I just realized I didn't tell you that. And now you should introduce yourselves to us. It's traditional."

"Maybe include which side of the beautiful Elton John song you're interested in learning about," Wade added.

"And, I don't know, something about yourself. We'll start with you," Vanessa said, pointing to a student at random.