Fandom High School

"Alright folks, last week!" Eliot said as the class gathered. "We've covered most of the absolute basics that you have to think or worry about in the woods. I hope you're all starting to feel more comfortable in the wild. Today we're going to cover what is unfortunately often the most dangerous thing you can encounter in the wilderness: other people."

He started leading the way into the preserve.

"So there are a few reasons why the people you meet out in the wilderness might not be the most savory characters. Maybe they belong to a community that thinks nothing of killing and eating other sentients. Maybe they're doing something illegal out here and they don't want anyone stumblin' on it and rattin' them out to the law. Or maybe they're just militant racist assholes."

You're welcome, Hardison.

"Of course these groups ain't mutually exclusive. But they are things ya gotta keep an eye out for. For all that bears can kill you with one swipe, they don't carry sniper rifles or grudges. People are the most dangerous creatures out here."

They'd arrived at the usual clearing, where several five gallon buckets were waiting full of water balloons. Eliot tapped one with his toe.

"So today, y'all are going to be your own worst enemies. Everyone grab some balloons and take off. Find yourself a stronghold in the woods, or try to hunt down your fellow classmates. Anyone who makes it out of the class dry survives, but ain't got a real good grasp on the point of a water balloon fight." Eliot grinned. "Have fun."

Eliot sent out a handwaved message for the students to meet him by the causeway this week instead of by the preserve.

"So far with this class, I've had y'all going out into a relatively controlled environment, one that I've personally explored that ain't gonna throw many surprises at us. You know, barrin' Fandom bein' Fandom. Today I thought we ought to check out a different sort of landscape. Now I did a little bit of explorin' planet-side yesterday, and near as I can tell, there ain't much on this one that'll kill you. Not unless you're allergic to cute." Which was valid, as far as Eliot was concerned. "The locals seem to be friendly, and the plant life is all mostly recognizable, if . . . way more brightly colored than you'll find on anything resemblin' Earth. I'm gonna advise against tryin' to eat anything you don't know what is -- what's harmless to the weird-ass alien things there might not be harmless to you all -- and try not to adopt any of the cuddly animals." Eliot himself had very nearly failed that one, yesterday. Only the thought of how much Val would pout at him if he brought home any non-preapproved pets -- and some last minute herding and shooing -- had kept him from ending up with at least a new kitten. "Puppies are forever, not just for summer vacation. And for all you know the thing might live off something exotic that doesn't grow here. Or . . . possibly humans souls."

Seriously, this place was weird.

"Anyway. There's a town, and I ain't gonna yell at you if you visit it, but this is a wilderness class, so try exploring the candy colored woods and fields at least a little. And don't get carried off by any rainbow-winged cats."

"Hey," Eliot greeted as the students arrived for class. "Hope you're all not too disappointed not to be ponies anymore." That was a joke, people. Mostly. He was actually going to miss being a griffon just a little bit.

He waved for them to follow him into the preserve and started talking. "Today we're going to tackle provisions when you're out in the wilderness. The main way to do this, of course, is to bring 'em with you. Bottles of water and packs of simple, non-perishable snacks work well if you're just plannin' a day trip. Those who ain't got allergies to 'em might want to go for 'GORP', or 'good old raisins and peanuts'. It's a quick, simple combo, packs in some sugar for quick energy and protein for a long burn. You can go with variations on that, of course, do cranberries and cashews or somethin' if you want to get fancy, but it comes right down to the basics of what your body needs after a good workout: carbohydrates and protein. For an overnight without a lot of hiking, canned food works well. You can heat it on a portable camp stove, or over your campfire, and you ain't gotta worry too much about it goin' bad on you on the trail. The main thing to remember when you're packing for a trip into the wilderness is that the classics are classics for a reason. Jerky may not be the most appetizing thing you can think of when you're back home with a full kitchen, but if you're out on a multi-day hike, having a lightweight, shelf-stable source of protein ain't nothing to turn your nose up at. Everything you want to bring on a long hike is something you gotta be willing to carry, and food and water add up quick." Eliot handed out a packet to each student. "Here's somethin' that goes a little more into detail about what sorts of supplies you'll want for a longer trip, and how much of 'em.

"Of course, as much as anyone wants to be prepared, there's always a chance of gettin' stuck in the outdoors longer'n your provisions are meant to last you. And the fact is you can't carry enough water to keep yourself hydrated when you're going out for more than a day. Water is heavy, and you need a lot of it if you're gonna be moving around. So being able to find water that ain't gonna make you sick is a big priority. Here's another written guide to help y'all out with that. And hey, look, one of the items it lists for equipment is a fire starter. Which all y'all already got." He winked. "Once you find water, you gotta make sure it ain't gonna make you sick. So boiling and filtering are where it's at. You can also buy drops and pills and things that will purify your drinking water for you, if you're from a modern Earth world, but the mechanical techniques are good to know in case you can't get your hands on the chemical kind.

"Lastly, there's hunting and foraging for food. I ain't got time to teach you all how to hunt in this class, though if you want some pointers, talk to me after class. Or check in with your classmates. I know some of 'em got a hang of hunting for food, too. When it comes to foraging, that's more a matter of checking references. A good guide of edible plants in the region you're going out in is an excellent thing to have on hand. here's one to get you started on plants local to -- well, where Fandom usually parks itself on Earth, anyway. Make sure -- I cannot stress this enough, getting it wrong can get you killed -- make sure that the plant you're looking at is really the one listed in your edibility guide."

Eliot clapped his hands. The lecture-and-hike had taken them deep into the preserve, well away from their usual clearing. "Alright! That's enough from me. I want you all to take your water and foraging guides and see what you can find." He pulled a box of empty plastic gallon jugs out from behind a bush. "First person or team to come back with a gallon of water and five edible plant samples wins."

Wins what? The honor and respect of their classmates and teacher.

And, you know, a coupon for ice cream at Chilly Boulder. Because Parker would pout at him, otherwise.

(Also, he had a coupon for Chilly Boulder for everyone. Because Parker would pout at him for that, too.)

Class met on the edge of the preserve. As soon as the students arrived, Eliot made sure they all had sunscreen (or other sun blocking cover), a water bottle (near as he could tell, all his students this time around would hydrate with water), and a reusable fire starter. Once everyone was gathered and basically prepared, he waved for them to follow and started them hiking into the woods.

"This is a class on outdoorsmanship, so you're all going to want to show up prepared to spend the whole class period outside. That means you're going to need to be dressed for the weather, whatever it ends up being. That means checking the weather before coming to class. This is the only time I'm gonna be providing water -- you gotta bring your own for the rest of the session. You show up without water, you better be able to get some before we set out at the start of class, or you're not going. I ain't havin' anyone dehydrate on my watch. Rule number one for outdoorsmanship is to be prepared. Any of you ever spend any time around the Boy Scouts of America, that'll be a familiar refrain to you. Goin' out into the wilderness unprepared is a great way to get dead. I'll give you a couple tips on how to get by without your supplies if you end up kidnapped or shipwrecked or trapped by a plane crash or something, but for the most part, if you're goin' outside, it's 'cause you want to be there, in which case, you got no excuse."

That lecture got them all the way to a nice little clearing Eliot had scouted ahead of time, with a small creek running along one side, and plenty of small rocks, sticks, and tinder along the edges.

"It's the first week, so we're going to do a pretty easy one this time," Eliot said. "We'll get on building fires shortly, but tradition dictates y'all statin' your name and such, first. So let's get that out of the way. I'm Eliot Spencer. You can call me Eliot, or Mr. Spencer, or just Spencer if you want, I'll answer to any of it. I served with the United States Army Special Forces and did freelance work requirin' me to be out in and survive in most climate types on the planet Earth, and before that I grew up doin' plenty of campin' and adventuring in the wilds of Oklahoma. I still do this sort of thing for fun, any time I can convince my partners to tag along. Now . . . you." He pointed to a random student. "Name, experience in the great outdoors, and why you're takin' this class."