Fandom High School

'"Right, so when you're conducting high level diplomacy, you will be assigned either a protocol droid--if such things exist in your galaxy--or a translator," Anakin began, "so you're not required to speak all of the languages in the known universe. However, I find it helpful to at least know some of the basic, especially if the negotiations are especially crucial."

He waved his hand at the board, where he'd listed a few phrases he found useful. "Here are some of mine: hello, goodbye, thank you, please, bathroom, idiot, kill them and make it look like an accient."

He then turned his attention to the class. "What would you add to the list?"

There was a television in the room today, so that probably meant the class would be limitedly traumatizing today. Hooray!

"Let's see how much you've managed to retain of what I've taught you so far this semester," Anakin said. "We're going to watch an instructional video about how to interact with royalty. Take careful notes about what the diplomat does and then we'll discuss as a group what he may have done incorrectly."

The instructional video was Mr. Bean. There was no chance he was doing anything correctly.

"There are a lot of people out there who have no idea what powers a diplomat has," Anakin began, "and some of that is because different places give their diplomats different levels of authority. One thing that will be true, though, is that people, finding out what you do, will make completely unreasonable requests from you. Today's assignment is learning how to tell them no in a way that doesn't offend them but also means they won't be asking you again because they found your response to be unclear."

He paused. "And shooting at them isn't allowed."

Another life lesson from Obi-Wan Kenobi, kids!

"So settle in and I'll send a series of unreasonable beings at you for you to shoot down. Again, not literally."

Anakin ushered the students into a bland conference room. "Today you will be negotiating for peace with an alien species," he said. "They have brought you here," he gestured around at the table, chairs, water glasses, and whiteboard against the wall, "to plead their case as to why they had no choice but to blocade another planet's trading routes."

He rolled his eyes. "There will be a powerpoint presentation about it. Nothing I can do to save you. So...sit down and prepare not to fall asleep in public. They'd take that badly."

"As I oh-so-handwavily informed you earlier this week," Anakin said, "today we're going to talk about traditional dress. As a diplomat, what you are wearing will convey certain non-verbal cues to your counterparts, as well as to those you interact with casually."

He gestured down to the robes he was wearing. They were the same he was always wearing, but today he'd explain them! "This is what Jedi wear in my home galaxy," Anakin said, swinging his black robe off overdramatically, just like Obi-Wan taught him to reveal the tabard, tunic, boots, and utility belt underneath, all in shades of black and deep brown.

"Jedi are not bound by material possessions," he said, "and so our utilitarian robes, designed to blend in on a thousand different planets, are part of that philoposphy. Our tunics, tabards, and boots tend to be either in earth tones or black--unless you're from Corellia, and then your robe is green because the Corellians like to feel special."

Did you see the eyeroll, class? It wasn't a subtle one. "Our utility belt holds our comm device, credits, and our lightsaber." He held his hilt out for the students to inspect from a distance. "This is the weapon of the Jedi, and the amount of work and effort it takes to construct one is a closely held part of our Order. Only Jedi--" he tipped his head to Lana, "--and Sith carry them. They are an elegant weapon, not as random as a blaster, and take a great deal of time and practice to wield correctly."

He lit his with a snap-hiss, the blue light bright in the classroom. "The lightsaber is practicallly an extension of our body, and is always a part of our uniform, and the sound of that weapon, even more so than the robes I wear, convey the authority of my Order." He turned the lightsaber back off and put it back onto his belt. "I will only wield it when absolutely necessary, and those I negotiate with know that."

Of course, Anakin's idea of "absolutely necessary" wasn't every other Jedi's, but that was a different lecture!

"Now, tell me about what you are wearing, and what it is meant to tell others about the culture you represent."

The class would find themselves in the Danger Shop, which had been set up like a diplomatic reception: drinks in the back of a too large, too bright, room with much too long a line; a variety of languages being spoken with various degrees of expertise; waitstaff circulating with varieties of mid-level snacks on tiny skewers (and no, they don't know what they are either); and people standing in pairs, singles, and small groups looking uncomfortable.

"Welcome to a networking opportunity," Anakin said, making a slight face, "otherwise known as roughly 40 percent of your life as a diplomat. Today's assignment is to introduce yourself to three people in this room, including me, exchange business cards--" he passed them out to every student as he continued speaking, "and come away with three ways to remember who they are for the next reception."

He smiled a little evilly. "Because there will be a next reception."

"My apologies for missing class last week," Anakin said. "I was stuck at a pediatrician's office with a kid with a terrible cough. Trust me, you didn't want me here."

He passed out giant packets of paper. "Sometimes diplomacy is excruciatingly boring," he said. "Today, you are each reading a different moddable document of trade proposals. Carefully couched behind fancy language are ten different proposals that will completely tank your government's economy. Your job is to find all of them and come up with a better way to write the counter-proposal that won't start a war."

Which was so much easier, in Anakin's opinion. Lightsaber battles over paperwork any time.

"Tell me what you've found by the end of class," he concluded.

"We've discussed what happens when the being you're briefing refuses to read your notes," Anakin began. "Today we're going to brainstorm solutions for what you should do when you specifically write in big capital letters 'DON'T DO THE THING' and the very next thing they do is what you specifically told them not to."

There was a pause. "In this scenario your boss is not temporarily de-aged into a four year old child, or your species' equivalent age."

Today the Danger Shop was set up to look like a water-treatment facility. "Right," Anakin said, handing out extremely stupid-looking hard hats. "Another part of diplomacy is checking up on projects that your government is funding. For the most part these visits are extremely boring, often loud, and sometimes very smelly. They will usually include speeches, far too many photos, and sometimes cultural dancing, singing and food. Today will will tour this facility, nod and smile at the tour guide as he gives us information about the building that you will absolutely not be able to hear, and then negotiate your way through a table full of food that you don't recognize."

Anakin smiled. "It'll be fun!"

Well, it would have been more fun if Anakin hadn't cranked the heat so that the ambient temperature in this fake facility wasn't close to 95/35 degrees and humid as all hell.

Do you know what's a fun thing to do when it's freezing cold and snowing outside? Paintball.

Well, at least if you're Anakin.

"Welcome to aggressive negotiations," he said with a grin. "This is paintball, a game on this planet where you shoot paint pellets at each other while shouting mocking things."

The shouting part was not optional, as far as Anakin knew.

"Sometimes your negotiations will disintegrate into chaos, and while running away and issueing a blistering press release is an option, shooting people with paint is so much more fun," Anakin concluded. "Suit up, choose your weapon, and attack!"

He coughed.

"I mean. Negotiate. With weapons."

Today the class was back in the Danger Shop, but instead of a press conference, it was set up to look like an extremely stuffy reception. Waitstaff of various species wove through the crowd offering appetizers and drinks as people made smalltalk and tried to look and be as interesting as possible.

Anakin hated these events. "Right," he said to the class. "A huge part of your job as a diplomat will be making and maintaining contacts, and excruciatingly dull receptions is an excellent time to do so. Your job today is to find and remember three separate beings' names and what they do while holding a glass of something and eating a plate of appetizers. It's not nearly as easy as it sounds. You must also give them a false name and backstory. Silly accents are entirely optional."

"Right," Anakin said, slapping a huge briefing paper on each student's desk as they arrived. "Another key problem in diplomacy is trying to keep up with all of the studies and briefings and fights via email about your area of expertise. Here's a hint: you never will. So you will need to learn to skim quickly and be able to talk with authority with very little actual knowledge."

Somewhere Obi-Wan was despairing of Anakin's technique.

"To that end, you have ten minutes to read the tome in front of you and then brief the class on this, your new area of expertise." He smiled. "And pray that no one in the room has more actual expertise than you do."