Fandom High School

"Next week is a holiday and I won't have to see any of your grubby little faces," the Ice King said rather than a polite hello. Because those were for chumps. "Which is good because I'm sick of you all."

Especially Sia and Emma for some reason. Weird, right?

"So today we're gonna make hand turkeys."

Wait, what? How did that factor into Princess stealing?

"Because a lady likes to know you have a sensitive artistic side. Even if you're lying about it." Ah, that sounded more like it. "Get to work so I can use them to attract ladies."

Yeah, they weren't even for your own use.

And he didn't seem like he was going to explain how to do it as he had Gunter pass out the construction paper and markers.

"When you're wooing a foxy lady, you gotta use tact." Which the Ice King had in spades. Really now. Why are you laughing at that? Jerks. "You gotta worm your way into their hearts. And when that fails, you bribe them."

With candy, if the bags of candy on the table were anything to go by.

"The island knows it," he added, picking up a bag to give a shake. "So your homework for the week is to go out and pick up that candy to bring to me so I can show you how it's all done."

He rubbed his grubby little hands together at how many princesses he could give candy then. One was sure to fall for it!

"Now get out there and pick some up! All of you!"

Class was dismissed, it would seem.

The classroom today was decorated for a party. No, not a Pinkie Pie style party. That would be too extreme and take too much time for non-pony people. Also, the Ice King didn't like any of you.

So.

"We're having a party," he informed the class, watching as Gunter waddled by with a balloon in his beak. "Because princesses like parties. And what better time to meet ladies than at one? Eh? Eh?"

Was the eyebrow waggle necessary? No. Was he doing it anyway? Yes.

"Now have fun!" That was a demand. Because that was how you had fun.

No, there would not be an explanation for the lack of class last week. But, really, did anyone really want to see the Ice King during that week? We thought not.

Class today was set in the danger shop. Because the Ice King had used his mystical arts on the programming until it worked how he wanted.

Meaning Gunter programmed it all.

There was a box in the middle of the room with a stick propping it up. Yes, they were doing the 'trapping' phase of princess stealing. "Bait," the Ice King said firmly. "If you want to catch a foxy lady, you can't just throw anything out there. You need to pick the right bait."

This was sure to work, right?

"I'm using a picture of myself to lure them in because no one can resist this paragon of wizardly beauty."

If you looked closely, it would appear it was indeed a picture of his face taped onto a model's body. "Pick your own bait," he snapped peevishly. "No idea stealing allowed!"

Because you all wanted to use that picture. Really.

If the classroom felt colder than usual today, well, you'd be correct. Congratulations, you win absolutely nothing at all. Other than the satisfaction of being right. Which, let's be honest, isn't much of a prize at all.

Sorry.

"I---" There was a pause that went on a little too long to really be dramatic. Even though drama was the plan. "--Am the Ice King!"

Be awed by his crown, you little nerds. He had a lot of dramatic swagger to do in order to make Doom and Skywalker seem like small-fries on the crazy scale.

"And this is How to Steal a Princess. At which I'm an expert. And none of you are," he added snidely. "Any of you stolen a princess? I didn't think so."

A little penguin waddled out with a sheet of paper resting on it's head for him, standing patiently until he noticed it. "Oh, thank you, Gunter. This is Gunter. He will be the TA because none of you can be trusted to not narc on me to the heroes on island. Yeah, I'm talking to you in the back."

Distinct possibility that there was no one in the back.

"We're going to see who you people are and why you want to steal a princess. Because not just any schlub can do it. You need to be able to romance that fine filly. Otherwise, the stealing is completely pointless."

Case in point: Ice King was princess-less.