Fandom High School

Navaan had missed class last week and it was even odds whether or not she'd even noticed. But she did know that this was the last class and so she was here, ready for their last, possibly most important class of all.

"So, it’s our last day to study doctoring!" she said when the class met up in front of Portalocity. "Which means it's time for us to sit down as a group, discuss the merits and flaws of taking this course and then my methodology as an instructor." She waited just long enough for that to sink in before cackling and waving that away. "Ha! Just kidding! No, don't worry, this last class'll be way more useful!"

Sorry, Ignis. Don. Anakin. Everyone.

"Like most of you have seen...I dunno, pretty much whenever, sometimes shit happens and we, as doctors, have a duty to stop it, especially when our patients' health and safety are on the line. At any time, we may be called upon to fend off the attacks of mad gods, evil carnivals, and the most heinous enemies of all, rival doctors. If you find yourself in that position, the easiest thing to do is straight up murder your opponent, preferably when they have no idea that you're there or even that you exist. You can't defend against an enemy you don't know is there!"

She sounded far too cheerful for this. On the other hand, a ridiculous number of your other teachers - and neighbors, and students, and NPCs... - would agree with her.

"If murdering them is out of the picture for some reason, like they already know what you're planning or they're spending all their time in the sun just so you'll explode if you try, you can also challenge them for superiority. I prefer to challenge my opponents to a trial by fuck, which is a fight without the stupid bit before it gets sexy. If you're really good, you can combine this with the first idea and kill them when they least expect it, but that's only really effective if you've already come first."

It seemed Navaan had decided not to hold back today. At all. You're welcome? Either for this pure look inside her mind or for the past six weeks when she apparently had been holding back. Whichever works best for you.

"If you don't think you can win a trial - or if you're pretty sure your opponent plans to use it to try to kill you right back - there are lots of other types of challenges you can issue. A drinking challenge is always good. You get to see who holds their alcohol better, which is always important to know, and, if it's you, kill them when they pass out! Games of chance or skill are good choices, too: beer pong, darts, billiards, arm wrestling, who can seduce the most people..."

Yeah, there was probably a theme here. And if you figured out how the final class was going to go, congratulations! If you hadn't figured out what was up, then having the portal open up in front of a seedy, rundown looking pub in Navaan's world probably came as something of a shock.

For several reasons. But don't worry class! You probably won't get tetanus. Err, you all had had your shots, right?

"So, for our final class, you’re going to have a chance to rise to a challenge and see how you'd do against an enemy." Navaan explained, cheerfully herding them all inside. "Doesn't this sound fun?"

[Comic link is NSFW]

Once more through the portal, once more into the fray, once more into Navaan's crazy world. If nothing else, perhaps the class was learning more about the kind of world that could produce a being such as their teacher.

Sadly, there was no carnival today when they walked through the portal. Instead, they were back at Navaan's house, though luckily, they landed outside of the swamp. Looks like you were due for a regular class. Not normal, no. Never normal. But Navaan's version of regular, yup. "So, last week, we were gonna get to doctoring, but I think we can all agree that the carnival was more important. Doctoring is a highly stressful job, what with all the excitement and danger, so it's important to take some time out to relax. However, this week is a holy week for my little guys, so they're not in their monastery anymore. They've all gone to a casino to perform the rituals and try to earn enough money to keep their temple going for another year."

They were monks who worshiped the god of luck. Going to a casino for a high holiday just made sense if you thought about it.

"But don't worry, we still have patients to diagnose and treat!" Because Navaan knew you lot would be worried about that. "In fact, these guys are even better than my little guys, because they're you can try out new cutting-edge treatments and they'll still be fine even if they don't work!" She whistled and twelve...creatures...walked out of the front door. They were purple, featureless and lumpy, like someone had smushed together hairy chunks of mud into a vaguely humanoid figures. "These guys are shapeshifters! They're great, because they can look like anything you want 'em to. My friend Grier, who hates fun, once got one to look like a voluptuous woman with a sack of gold for a head!"

"Yeah," one of the shapeshifters sighed. "I never did get paid for that job. Stupid village."

"Aren't villages the worst?" Navaan sympathized. "Anyway, students, each of you is gonna get a shapeshifter with a medical issue. Your job is to diagnose the problem and then come up with a medical solution. I want to see creativity here, too. You're training to be a doctor! That means creativity! Some doctors might be happy toiling in obscurity, using ancient methods that have been passed down for generations, but not us! We're at the forefront of medical technology! We're pushing the boundaries and coming up with new treatments. So I don't wanna hear any boring medicines or practices here. I want exciting new ones! Go!"

[SFW comic today! Huzzah!]

Their teacher had met them in town at Portalocity today, after leaving long, rambling, probably inappropriate messages telling them where to go. "Let's go!" she said, slightly muffled under her heavy cloak and plague doctor gear. "No classroom today, folks! We're going on an adventure! Rule number one of being a doctor: always be ready for adventure!"

You might have thought that the first rule of a doctor was something else, perhaps along the lines of 'do no harm,' but you would be wrong. And that was why Navaan was teaching this course and you weren't.

"Portals can take us to lots of places," Navaan chatted as they walked. "Which is great, because we need to go somewhere else than this island. I totally tried to stock the pond in the park, but all the stupid birds ate my precious babies, so we're off to somewhere we can get them instead!" She paused and looked at her assembled class. "Hmm. Maybe I should have told you to wear ratty clothes. And waders. Maybe some waterproof boots." And then she shrugged, merrily putting it out of her mind. "Oh well. Too late now. Hope no one's wearing anything nice, because here's our portal!"

Their portal delivered them right in the middle of a swamp. The lucky students exited onto the strip of dry land. Any unlucky ones (and Navaan herself) landed directly in the bog, sinking to roughly knee-height in the dark water. It was night there, the sky dark and cloudy, with a lot of dead trees reaching up towards it. The air was hot and thick and mosquitos buzzed loudly. In the distance was a stone building, where the words 'I AM A DOCTOR' were painted on the front. You smart ones might be able to guess whose house that was, though whether she was the owner in the strictest sense of the word was up for question.

"Okay!" Navaan said, peeling off her cloak and facemask. Underneath, she was wearing thick, water-proof pants and rubber boots, and seemed to be completely unfazed by where she was standing. The rest of you could start making your way towards land now--though be careful not to knock over any of the line of fishing poles that were set up. "So, the smarter kids in the class already remember this, but not all of you struck me as that when we talked last week, so I'm gonna say it again. The most important tool in your doctor bag - and you'd all better have your doctor bags, you're studying to be doctors, you need to be responsible - is leeches. Are leeches. Is is 'is' cause 'tool' is singular? Heh, tool. Or is it plural, cause leeches are? Never mind. I'll visit a wordsmith later to find out. Anyway, leeches are super-useful and important, and no doctor should ever be without them!"

Navaan pulled her jar of leeches out of her bag and showed them off to her students, smiling proudly. There were five or six leeches in there and the jar was half-full of pinkish-gray water. On the bottom there were chunks of--something--that the students would probably prefer not to think about too closely. Too bad. This was your lesson today, kids. "Lotsa cool things you can do with leeches," she explained, opening the jar and taking one out. It was about six inches long and glistened wetly on her gloves as it started to slowly move about. "These suckers are great for medicine. They secrete anti-coagulants, which means that wherever you stick 'em'll keep bleeding. The blood keeps pumping which'll help keep fingers and stuff from falling off after you reattach 'em. Their drool is filled with all kinds of useful stuff, including an anesthetic and anti-inflammatory enzymes. They're awesome that way. Also, cause they fill up with blood in about twenty minutes, they make great snacks."

Ha ha. That was a...joke? Maybe?

"So today, you're gonna get to know your new best friend, the leech. We're gonna start with how to catch them, then how to take care of them, and then how to use them. You ready?"

Probably not. That wasn't going to stop her.