Doctoring 101, Thursday, Period 01

[doesdoctorstuff.livejournal.com]

Please don't ask why Navaan had decided to teach a class this semester. It's entirely possible that she wouldn't even be able to answer; she made a lot of decisions while under the influence of, err, herbal medications. And if she did remember why she decided she should be in charge of molding young minds, the odds were incredibly high that the answer would be highly inappropriate.

The important thing was that, at some point, she did decide to do such a thing and for some even less sane reason, the school had decided to let her do this. Letters of complaint should be addressed to Principal Zoe Winchester, Dean Anakin Skywalker, or perhaps the U.S. Secretary of Education, whomever seemed most fitting for the level of egregiousness of the class in any given week.

Since this was the first week, Navaan was there, on time, and relatively sober! She was also dressed in her plague doctor finest, because no one had mentioned that the windows were treated to protect vampires from the sun. As students began filing in, they'd see her shutting all the blinds.

It wasn't until the last window was covered and the hateful sunlight contained that Navaan lifted up her mask and actually greeted the class. "There, nice and dark. 90% of monsters explode when you expose them to sunlight, kids. That's a fact. You should be writing it down." Aww yiss. She was a great teacher already. "I'm Navaan and I'm a doctor and this is Doctoring 101. Unless it isn't. Umm, it's Thursday, right? It's probably Thursday. Though I might have slept through Thursday, making this Friday. If it's Friday, then I don't know what class this is, but since I missed my Thursday class, I'm going to call this Doctoring 101 and if your other teacher doesn't like it, we can jelly-golem wrestle for it."

And if that didn't tell you all you needed to know about your teacher and the kind of class this would be, there was no hope for you anyway.

"So, yeah, I'm a doctor and I'm going to teach you all about doing doctor stuff. Yeah, I know, you look at me and think, 'How can I get to live such an awesome and glamorous life as a doctor?' and the answer is you probably can't. It takes hard work to become a doctor and you certainly won't be one after just this class. You'd need to take, like, another two classes to be a real doctor and then we'd probably become rivals and go after one another's patients, and maybe I'd have to burn out whatever hospital you joined and it would just get ugly. Nothing worse than an infestation of doctors you know. It gets dangerous." She gave the students a very bright, very fangy grin. "But for Doctoring 101, I'm just gonna show you the basics, so you can realize how much fun it is to be a doctor and then, I dunno. Maybe become a doctor somewhere else, off the island, where you can get your own juicebags. The nurses at the clinic are stingy and I don't like sharing."

Seriously, you were going to have six more weeks of this, maybe five with a week off for mortal peril. Good luck with this, kiddos.

"So, doctoring is a really important job and has lots of responsibilities. Doing doctor stuff is not of the faint of heart--you go on adventures, solve mysteries, get laid, maybe sometimes diagnose jerks with syphilis...it just goes on and on and on. So, today, I'm gonna introduce you to a doctor's most important possession. The doctor bag!" Navaan proudly hoisted hers in the air, a thick leather bag the bulged oddly and appeared to be moving in places. "You never know what to expect when you're doing your doctoring rounds, so you need to pack a little bit of everything."

She put her bag back down on her desk and began to unpack it. "Let's see, we've got here...jar full of leeches--seriously, most important tool right here, but that'll be our next class--some scissors, a couple of knives, a bottle of poison, another bottle of poison, an unmarked bottle...Huh. I wonder what this is." Unscrewing the cap, Navaan took a sip and began coughing. "Oh! Chloroform! So useful, I can't even tell you," she said between coughing fits. "Wow. This is pretty potent stuff. That's how I caught the Sl-uhh, the Slattern." Aww yeah, keeping it PG for the kids.

Navaan continued to unpack items, including several knives, some surgical tubing, a 'personal massager,' a grappling hook, nunchucks, a paddle, fishing hooks, a cardboard sword, rags, several small egg-looking objects that sparkled, rope, handcuffs (the fuzzy kind!), several acorns, and a bottle with the name 'Felicia' on it. "So, these are what I consider the bare essentials of doctoring," she said, beaming proudly at the classroom. "I usually have more, but it's your first day and I didn't want you to be overwhelmed. Since you're all learning to become doctors, today is your chance to think about what you want to put into your new doctor bags!" From behind the desk, she pulled out a cardboard box full of various kinds of moddable bags--large purses, backpacks, duffel bags, and even a gigantic fanny pack. Most of them were fairly beaten up because she'd scavenged them, but they were in decent enough condition. "For the rest of the class, make sure you have your doctor bags on you. I mean, you should probably carry them with you all the time because you never know when your doctoring skills may be needed, but whatever. I can't make you. Anyway, come up here and get your bags, kiddos! It's doctorin' time!"