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Doctoring 101, Friday, Period 1

Their teacher had met them in town at Portalocity today, after leaving long, rambling, probably inappropriate messages telling them where to go. "Let's go!" she said, slightly muffled under her heavy cloak and plague doctor gear. "No classroom today, folks! We're going on an adventure! Rule number one of being a doctor: always be ready for adventure!"

You might have thought that the first rule of a doctor was something else, perhaps along the lines of 'do no harm,' but you would be wrong. And that was why Navaan was teaching this course and you weren't.

"Portals can take us to lots of places," Navaan chatted as they walked. "Which is great, because we need to go somewhere else than this island. I totally tried to stock the pond in the park, but all the stupid birds ate my precious babies, so we're off to somewhere we can get them instead!" She paused and looked at her assembled class. "Hmm. Maybe I should have told you to wear ratty clothes. And waders. Maybe some waterproof boots." And then she shrugged, merrily putting it out of her mind. "Oh well. Too late now. Hope no one's wearing anything nice, because here's our portal!"

Their portal delivered them right in the middle of a swamp. The lucky students exited onto the strip of dry land. Any unlucky ones (and Navaan herself) landed directly in the bog, sinking to roughly knee-height in the dark water. It was night there, the sky dark and cloudy, with a lot of dead trees reaching up towards it. The air was hot and thick and mosquitos buzzed loudly. In the distance was a stone building, where the words 'I AM A DOCTOR' were painted on the front. You smart ones might be able to guess whose house that was, though whether she was the owner in the strictest sense of the word was up for question.

"Okay!" Navaan said, peeling off her cloak and facemask. Underneath, she was wearing thick, water-proof pants and rubber boots, and seemed to be completely unfazed by where she was standing. The rest of you could start making your way towards land now--though be careful not to knock over any of the line of fishing poles that were set up. "So, the smarter kids in the class already remember this, but not all of you struck me as that when we talked last week, so I'm gonna say it again. The most important tool in your doctor bag - and you'd all better have your doctor bags, you're studying to be doctors, you need to be responsible - is leeches. Are leeches. Is is 'is' cause 'tool' is singular? Heh, tool. Or is it plural, cause leeches are? Never mind. I'll visit a wordsmith later to find out. Anyway, leeches are super-useful and important, and no doctor should ever be without them!"

Navaan pulled her jar of leeches out of her bag and showed them off to her students, smiling proudly. There were five or six leeches in there and the jar was half-full of pinkish-gray water. On the bottom there were chunks of--something--that the students would probably prefer not to think about too closely. Too bad. This was your lesson today, kids. "Lotsa cool things you can do with leeches," she explained, opening the jar and taking one out. It was about six inches long and glistened wetly on her gloves as it started to slowly move about. "These suckers are great for medicine. They secrete anti-coagulants, which means that wherever you stick 'em'll keep bleeding. The blood keeps pumping which'll help keep fingers and stuff from falling off after you reattach 'em. Their drool is filled with all kinds of useful stuff, including an anesthetic and anti-inflammatory enzymes. They're awesome that way. Also, cause they fill up with blood in about twenty minutes, they make great snacks."

Ha ha. That was a...joke? Maybe?

"So today, you're gonna get to know your new best friend, the leech. We're gonna start with how to catch them, then how to take care of them, and then how to use them. You ready?"

Probably not. That wasn't going to stop her.

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Landing in a swamp!

Stewart

Anakin Skywalker

Donald Blake

Arthur Lester (and John Doe)

...Some of the things she was saying actually sounded...medical? But were you paying attention to that or mourning your clothing?

Ah, yes. This was exactly the sort of environment in which a skid could truly thrive. Which also worked well to distract Stewart from the whole portalness of it all as he looked around the dark swampiness surrounding him with a morbid thrill of being mired in such conditions.

"Wondrous," he murmured, delighted, to himself.

And that was even before they got into the leeches!

Edited 2024-05-24 10:55 (UTC)

Arthur sighed. "We're in a swamp, aren't we?"

More a bog than a swamp, John answered.

"My trousers and shoes are ruined."

"Hunting for leeches is easy," Navaan assured them, wearing a 'trust me, I'm a doctor' smile. "All you need is a jar, a lamp, and a ham. And, I guess, I fishing line. And you may not need a lamp if you're leech-hunting in the daylight. Like I said, I tend to explode, so I don't do that much."

Goddamn sunlight.

"Anyway, it's easy enough for even the slowest of you to handle," she continued, and if her eyes lingered on certain of you, well, it was because she thought you were dumb. "Take a nice raw chunk of meat, the bloodier the better. Seriously, you want it dripping before you get it into the water. Now fasten it to your line, you don't want it going anywhere. Once the meat is secure, drop it in leech-infested water and then come back in a few hours." She lifted her fishing rod out and lo, there were several black, wriggling leeches on the surface. "Then you pluck 'em off, shove them in your prepared jar, and you're good!"

There was a cooler full of meat handily sitting off to the side--lamb and pig haunches. There were also fishing poles piled in front of the cooler with lots of reinforced twine.

No help for it, there are plenty of rods and 'hams' to go round.

Follow the instructions and get your bait into the water.

Save him, Don. Saaaaaaaaaaaaave him. Anakin was dithering about putting meat anywhere near his pole. Not dirty. Probably.

"I know I told you the leeches weren't the worst option," Don said, "and she's right that they're actually useful, but..." Well, look at their surroundings, Anakin.

"But why do we have to collect them ourselves?" Anakin asked faintly.

"It builds character?" Don suggested with a shrug. "Just...don't fall into the leech-infested water. God knows what else is in there." A beat. "With all the leeches." Eugh.

Anakin shuddered. "I'll pass. You stay safe on the banks, too, okay?"

"Working on it." Don prodded at a bit of ground with his stick to make sure it was solid. "I'm a little scared of next week, to tell you the truth."

"Oh?" Anakin asked, tossing his meat into the water with an unappetizing little plop sound.

"I mean...is it going to continue to be leech-related?"

"I think it's probably better than her teaching us surgery," Anakin said. "...And I now regret saying that aloud and putting it out into the universe."

"I'm torn between 'I'm going to have to stage a hostile takeover of this class' and 'could be funny,'" Don had to admit.

Anakin laughed. "Your course definitely has fewer swamp trips." He arched an eyebrow. "So far."

"That's next week," Don joked. "And hey, I could've stuck you all with Steve last week. Then you would've gotten World War Two field medic training instead of...your own personal defibrillators, apparently." He had to admit, "I feel like I should have seen that coming."

Anakin laughed. "Well. Stark is going to be Stark."

Don was a little busy trying to keep his footing in a swamp when his bad leg was being a bit more of an asshole than usual (Related to the tattoo on his left thigh he'd gotten on a whim on Monday? Possibly.). His walking stick was seeing use as an actual walking stick, and while his leg hurt, he was glad to have an excuse to dawdle on fishing for leeches.

He might also be heard muttering to thin air, "Trust me, if I thought I could without anyone noticing, I would let you do it," because someone thought fishing for leeches sounded relaxing.

This lesson was disgusting. Grotesque. Stewart felt a little sick to his stomach.

It was magnificent.

He tentatively gave his meat a dispassionately offended sniff as he picked one out and dutifully set to preparing his pole for a good long plunge into the swampy depths to see what he might catch.

Just a typical Friday, really, am I right??

"Right. Bloody meat."

Oh, that one on the left. No, your other left.

"This one?"

Yes!

Arthur picked it up carefully, holding it far from his shirt, which was the only thing he was wearing that hadn't already been ruined.

Okay, I'll get the pole. Put the meat down and we can use both hands to tie it on.

"Right, I know some good knots."

Next to the cooler is a table with large jars on it. Next to the jars were sharp, pointy tools that looked exactly like awls because that's what they were.

"If you don't take care of your leeches, they'll die," Navaan said. "And then you'll have to get more and meat can be expensive. So make sure you have a jar already so your leeches can live a while. Leeches are super-easy, though. Take a jar and fill it up with water. Not too much, or it'll be too heavy. This water right here will be fine."

She pointed at the swamp where the water could be called, at best, fragrant. Fetid might be an more accurate descriptor, but did she look like a wordararian? No. She looked like a doctor.

"Leeches like to be kept somewhere cool. Definitely not out in the sun, or they'll get all withered and gross, like raisins. Raisins might even be withered leeches, I don't know." It was possible! "Cool and shady, like under your bed or in the fridge if you don't keep your fridge very cold. Then you need to put some holes into the jar lids before screwing them on. The lids help the water keep from evaporating and the holes let air flow in, so the water stays aerated and the leeches can breathe."

She'd sounded almost...logical there.

"Also, it lets you know when you need to shove more meat in there. If the air around the jar starts getting funky, you probably need to change the water and put in fresh meat cause something's gone bad."

You might also want to throw out the old meat, but hey. Navaan wasn't gonna tell you how to live your life.

"While you're waiting for your leeches to take the bait, prepare your jars. Add water, punch holes in the lid, maybe set up a pretty seascape with rocks and plants and stuff. Draw on the jar with markers. Leeches love bright colors, it'll make them feel right at home."

She tossed a bunch of markers on the table and waited for them to get to work.

"I'm never eating a raisin again," Don muttered as he carefully labeled his jar 'LEECHES.'

A lot of Stewart's time not spent dancing in parking lots or behind video game controllers and turntables was spent in a lab, and so this, right down to the markers to decorate things with an oddly charming personal touch, was right up his alley and he was going to make sure his leeches had a great jar to reside in. The kind of jar he would like to reside in, were he a leech.

An actual leech.

Hmm. Where was the glitter when you actually needed it?

Was glitter bad for leeches? He supposed he would find out soon enough.

Edited 2024-05-24 15:46 (UTC)

"I'm not decorating the leech jar," Arthur said, exasperated. "Do they even have eyes?"

Oh, give me that! John grabbed a bright yellow marker and started drawing daisies.

Once everyone's jars were prepared and decorated appropriately, Navaan gathered all the students around her again. Removing the giant leech from her hand, she passed it a random student. "This is a leech," she said, in case it wasn't abundantly clear yet. "They're soft and squishy cause they don't have any bones. They're pretty chewy, but not crunchy. They feed off of blood, but a little goes a long way. You pretty much only have to feed them once every week or so. Toss something good and bloody in there and they'll take care of themselves. You can't just add blood to the water. They need something nice and meaty to latch their little teeth onto. After they've gorged themselves, they'll fall off. That usually takes about twenty minutes of straight feeding. You might wanna keep a few a little on the hungry side in case you need them for medical purposes, so if you're smart, you'll pull them out of the jar, let them feed separately, then pull 'em off in about ten minutes and toss 'em back into the jar to digest."

She gave an encouraging smile at whoever was holding the leech. "Now, pass Waldorf around and get a good feel for him. And make sure not to get any salt on him. It burns the poor babies. But, yeah, pass it around and make sure everyone gets a turn!"

She paused, certain there was something else she wanted to say. "Oh yeah! Read this!" She pulled a slightly soggy sheaf of papers out from her doctor bag. These smelled less like swamp-water and more like chemicals. Enjoy! "It's about how to use leeches for healing and stuff. That's important."

[First link contains images of real leeches. Feel free to ignore. Second link is an image-free page about using leeches in medicine.]

Edited 2024-05-24 05:52 (UTC)

"Waldorf?"

Arthur did his best to stay away from the head end of the leech. Which mostly involved John steering its head away whenever it got too close.

"Right, that's enough leech for today. Next!"

By the time the other activities were done, it was just about time to harvest the leeches. Navaan had the students go back to their fishing rods, pull up the meat, separate the leeches, and then place them in their decorated jars.

And now you have leeches to bring home with you, yay! Navaan will make sure that no one is 'forgetful' and leaves their leeches behind when the portal arrives, though whatever you do after you're back on the island is up to you.

...She thinks you should keep them. Name them. Love them. Use them. Eat them.

[One picture of a leech at the top of the page]

Anakin was absolutely ditching that jar under a chair at Portalocity. Sorry, not sorry, gnomes.

Arthur was never going to get away with not bringing them home. He knew that. (They'd probably have to join the other jar from last week. Whatever Navaan had done to it. Maybe it was still on the shelf where he'd left it.) He was resigned to this. He'd just grab the leech tails while John pried them off and stuck them in the jar.

He was not loving them. Or eating them. (But one was definitely being named Kayne out of pure vindictiveness.)

She really is eating leeches. If you watch her, she's casually dip her hand into the water near her rod, the come up with a wriggling leech which she'll pop into her mouth and chew.

Mmmm. Blood.

I now know more about leeches than I ever wanted to. THANKS, NAVAAN.

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Doctoring 101, Friday, Period 1

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Listen to the Lecture

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Activity 1: The Hunt For Leeches

Activitiy 1a: Choose Your Meat and Attach it to Your Pole (Heh heh)

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Activity 1b: Jar Preparation

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Activity 2: Caring for Leeches

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Activity 3: Welcoming Your New Friend

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Talk to Navaan

OOC