Fandom High School

Again in the computer lab, students desiring to Win Friends and Influence People would find their witty and well-groomed Dean of Awesome waiting in an armchair at the front of the room with a glass of scotch and a cigar. Don't ask how he managed to get the armchair in there, just be impressed with his abilities. There was also a large display screen and enough computers for all to have their very own. Aww.

A minute or two before the appropriate time, Barney started in on his 'lecture.'

( That's not Barney Stinson singing this song - that would be really lame. )

On this day the class met as handwavily instructed in the computer lab. Barney was dressed in a tan suit with pink shirt and tie, ever on the prowl should one of the hot teachers be lurking around the building, hoping for a piece of Dean Awesome.

"There are certain points in the year when Fandomites may notice a decided lack of hotties out and about in the bars of this town. Research has led me to conclude that the chicks have simply switched venues, preferring to cast their cleavage at millions of strangers on the internet than at you and your cohorts."

( Diversifying your dating portfolio )

( Profiling )

( The Picture )

( Witty Blurb )

( The Assignment )

Barney appeared in the classroom looking as amazing as he had the past two weeks in a brown suit with burgundy shirt and perfectly patterned tie. He could have stepped off the cover of a GQ and right into their lives. True story.

He took a look at the class assembled and grinned, "Today we're talking about winning friends for special dirty times through the voice of our artistic souls. I know, you're saying to yourselves But Dean Stinson, my soul is full of rainbows and puppy dogs, how could anyone be interested in it? Well, boys and girls, this is your lucky day. Think you're ready for it? No, seriously, this is going to blow your panties right off!" He waited till he thought the suspense was strong enough. "Today we write POETRY!"

Amazing, no? "I know, ladies, you're wondering what poetry will do for you while the men are wondering why they never thought of it before! As a panty-melting agent, the original poem has much to offer, especially considering how freakishly easy it is to write one. Most forms of poetry require no effort whatsoever, but the easiest of them all is the Haiku, which is what you all will be writing today! The standard haiku has three lines of syllables: 5-7-5. String together some words, unbuckle your belt, and say 'arigato' to our Japanese friends for their efficiency in getting you laid." He paused to dump a load of papers on the desks since he had no TAs to boss around.

"Let me read you some of my original compositions as can be found on my blog. Read it, live it." He cleared his throat.

High Five
one two three four five
raise each one high in the air
cut me some skin, bro

Barney paused, expecting applause or stunned silence - both were victories in his mind, LILY.

Wingman
wingman O wingman
please save me from the fatties
it's your sworn duty

"I know, it's provocative. Take my examples and expand on them! The sky is the limit, or really, your lack of imagination and ability to count five syllables, seven syllables, and five syllables properly. Go!"

These were the days when Barney loved his job. Really.

He stood at the front of a regular classroom looking fantastic in charcoal pinstripe, gripping the podium with one hand and a glass of scotch with the other as he watched the students come in and take their seats.

"Students, as your Dean of Awesome, I will be taking over Ms. Upland's class from here to the end of the semester. Unless we all die in some freak invasion, and then it'll end before then." He should not be hoping for an invasion given his reaction to dinosaurs, and yet. "I have some papers that tell me what her course was about, but I think we can all agree that I don't care. So, today starts the first day in the rest of your lives as you fine few will learn to go forth and be AWESOME. Yes, you heard right, this is now How to be Awesome 201. We're starting today with a quiz to determine what you already know about Awesomely choosing the winner in a fight." He was betting not a lot. Unless some had taken his class this summer, and then they had to be advanced or at least angrily mediocre at any task.

"Getting in a fight? Lame. Watching someone else fight? Awesome. While some of the great ones have already been settled, such as Alien v. Predator, Rocky v. Drago, thong v.underwear - others are still too close to call (blonde v. brunette). That being said, this quiz offers up some great fights I would pay to see. Now it's your turn to rock the vote on what you think the outcome would be." Barney circulated the room, tossing quiz papers on desks, ensuring everyone got one.

"I know it's the start of Homecoming weekend and all you ladies need a lot of time to slut up appropriately, so as soon as you're finished quizzing it up you are free to leave. Think of it as my gift to your dance partners. Now, get our your pencils!"