Fandom High School

The flag behind Sam had truly reached comical proportions this week. It was simply enormous.

As always, at precisely the correct time, Sam cleared his throat and began speaking. “Greetings, students! Today I have a very special treat for all of you!”
Don’t worry, it wasn’t a single slice of American cheese per person again. This was better! (No, really)

“As I was preparing for our final class I needed to research! I even turned to the internet. And there I found something wonderful. Did you know there is a superhero known as Captain America? I did not! But I have been enlightened!” It shouldn’t be possible for a large Muppet eagle with a permanent scowl to look this much like a heart eyes emoji and yet here we are.

“I used The Google,” yes, Sam talked like that sometimes, “to search for ‘wholesome American things’ and discovered that not only does Captain America exist but he is in fact extremely wholesome! And that is why today I, Sam Eagle, proudly and patriotically present A Salute To All Superheroes but Mostly Captain America!”

“Other superheroes are, of course, heroic. As they should be! It is their job! Captain America is, naturally, the most American of heroes. The most patriotic! The most wholesome! The greatest of all!”

No, Sam was not going to discuss any other heroes. Not even the other ones who lived on this island. Sorry, one third of the population.

“And class! For your special treat for this final class I have arranged for you to view examples of Captain America’s heroism and patriotism!”

Sure that’s what these are, Sam. Sure.

“Please enjoy these fine public service announcements from a fine superhero.”

[Let it be known that heroic_jawline encouraged this nonsense.]

The flag behind Sam today was almost comically large. Almost, but not quite. Perhaps next week it would achieve truly comical proportions. Once again, Sam was positioned behind the podium waiting for class to begin. When it was precisely time for class to begin Sam cleared his throat.

“Welcome back students! I hope you are prepared for another enlightening lecture today! Today we are discussing a most American way of cooking things! Today we shall discuss BARBECUE! I, Sam Eagle, present A Salute To All Outdoor Cookouts, But Mostly Barbecue!”

Where had that grill come from? And that smoker? And who thought that bringing them into a classroom was a good idea? At least nothing was lit. Yet. Don’t get any ideas, Beaker.

“Barbecue has a long and storied history in American cuisine. Why, even George Washington was known to enjoy barbecued meat! In fact, barbecues are a storied political tradition! Very patriotic!” Sam nodded approvingly as he spoke. He did love patriotism.

“Now, many barbecue purists will tell you barbecue must involve pork.” Too bad, Miss Piggy! Nobody was barbecuing eagles, now were they? “But that is not truly a requirement.”

“Now, there are several styles of American barbecue. All are good! All are American, after all! There is Carolina barbecue. There is Memphis barbecue. There is Texas barbecue. There is Kansas City barbecue. California barbecue. And of course, many other styles from many other wonderful American regions!”

No, Sam would not be describing those styles of barbecue. That would make too much sense and this was a class taught by a Muppet.

“Now! Class! What can you tell me about barbecue?”


( Today's inspiration: )

For the third week in a row, Sam was standing behind a podium and in front of an American flag. Was the flag larger than the week before? It might have been.

“The bird,” Sam began, precisely on time just like he had been the past 2 weeks, “is, of course, the pinnacle of animalkind. We are noble and impressive creatures! Which is why today, I, Sam Eagle, present A Salute to all Birds, but Mostly Bald Eagles! Except for penguins. Penguins are ridiculous. I work with penguins. I do not recommend them as colleagues!”

The Muppet penguins were, of course, ridiculous. They were Muppets not named Sam, after all. Only Sam was not ridiculous and how dare anyone, even in narrative, ever imply otherwise.

“Never trust a bird that swims better than it can fly,” Sam continued. “A bird that can soar! That is the bird you want to be!” Clearly all of Sam’s students wanted to be birds, right? Why wouldn’t they?

“Birds are meant for the sky! Birds that exist in the water are abnormal! They are weird! And as for birds that can only run...those are nearly as bad! Though I do not recommend angering the emu or the ostrich! Especially the emu. Australia is a dangerous place and its inhabitants can be unpredictable.”

“But enough about inferior birds! We should discuss more impressive winged creatures. From the California condor to the tiny yet industrious hummingbird! Those of us who fly through the air are to be commended. And of course, American birds most of all! And the most American of all birds is the bald eagle! The symbol of this great nation! The most majestic of all birds! The most noble! The most patriotic! Simply the best!”

Bald eagles were also notable for their humble attitudes.

"It was once suggested by Benjamin Franklin, my least favorite founding father, that the common wild turkey be the national bird! Preposterous! Turkeys are for Thanksgiving dinner, not for representing an entire nation! Thankfully, he was outvoted! I suppose we should be grateful he did not suggest something worse. Like a penguin."

“Now! I do not suppose any of you have anything to share about any other birds? Or if you would like to share a fact about the bald eagle I would certainly not get in your way!”

Punctuality was important so any students arriving early would find Sam standing at the front of a room, behind a podium but in front of an American flag, ready to begin. Any students arriving exactly on time would find the same. Any students arriving late would find Sam glaring at them from behind that same podium. Don’t ask how he managed to glare when most of his face was immobile. He could do it and that’s what’s important here.

At precisely the moment the workshop was set to begin Sam cleared his throat and began to speak.

“Greetings, children and welcome to ‘A Salute To…’ A workshop presented by me, Sam Eagle, wherein I shall educate you on a variety of topics!”

Sam surveyed the room, looking over all the students with his unblinking felt gaze. Including, much to Sam’s dismay, Beaker.

“This will be a wholesome and normal class,” Sam continued. Normal aside from being led by a large blue felt bird. “There will be no nonsense here. No immorality. No...weirdness.”

Yes, Beaker, he’s looking at you.

“There will only be education! On very important topics! And perhaps examinations! Those are necessary to track your progress!”

“Our introductory topic is, fittingly, introductions!! I will introduce myself, Sam Eagle, in a brief lecture entitled ‘A Salute to All Muppets but Mostly Sam Eagle.’ I am a Muppet! My colleagues at The Muppet Show are Muppets. Some Muppets are more worthy of a salute than others but I shall salute all Muppets today.” Maybe not all Muppets. Maybe not Beaker. Or the frog who had betrayed him by sending him to an island where Beaker currently resided.

“I am, of course, an American Eagle. The most noble of birds and the most noble and decent of all Muppets.” Somebody wasn’t terribly familiar with his Sesame Street colleagues, clearly.

“Unlike some other Muppets, I enjoy wholesome pursuits. Culture! Americana! The stars and stripes! Art! Literature! Morality! I constantly work to improve the quality of the entertainment we produce when no other Muppet will take a stand!"

"I do not enjoy nonsense. There will be no explosions here! Unlike some of my colleagues I do not believe in utilizing explosives for frivolity or amusement! And there will be no attempts at humor particularly from any bears. No cooking in this class and definitely no singing of the word ‘bork.’ No one will be shot out of cannons! And! There will absolutely be no laboratory experiments!” Did you hear that, Beaker? DID YOU?

“But enough about other Muppets! It is now time for all of you fine young citizens you to introduce yourselves!”


[Standard work availability disclaimer, though we have state testing today so I should be extra free for the early afternoon!]