Fandom High School

It was your final class of the semester with Aphra, didn't you all feel sad? Or relieved. Probably the latter.

Class was back in the Danger Shop, which was filled with rack upon rack of clothing. Clothing that looked a lot like women's intimates.

"Real talk," Aphra said. "The things you've learnt in this class might save some of your lives," somehow. "But the real reason you should always think before doing the thing is because not realising you shouldn't have done the thing leads to situations where you end up doing things like inventory."

Which is what you were going to be spending your final doing, kids.

Aphra's class were in an ordinary classroom this week. Aphra herself was looking kind of...twitchy.

"So, it's probably a good idea to go over recognising bad ideas again," she said. "Because sometimes it can be really hard to tell the difference. Like, some days you just get it into your head that you should call your ex, because you had some great times and the sex was amazing, and you get so caught up you forget that there's a very good reason she's your ex in the first place, and hey, the last time you saw her she very definitely tried to murder you. Several times. But, again, the sex was awesome, so how do you recognise a bd idea when you're trying to remember her holofrequency?"

"Practical pop quiz," Aphra called out cheerfully as her class arrived at the Danger Shop. "I've set up an obstacle course to see if you can figure out what not to do and what to do."

Yes, an obstacle course, and not at all a deathtrap waiting to happen. Definitely not.

Aphra, no.

There was a projector screen and a stack of blank paper at the front of the class.

"Pop quiz time, kids! Let's see who's been paying attention!"

Also Aphra hadn't prepared for class. At all. She was still writing the quiz.

Aphra was actually in the classroom this week, eating pancakes. She wasn't sure why there'd been pancakes on her desk when she'd arrived, but she wasn't going to turn down free food.

She also wasn't going to say anything about missing class last week, surely they'd figured that much out by now?

"So apparently tomorrow's some big romantic deal on this planet," she said, after swallowing. "Which means it's time for some advice. Don't."

She cut another bite off the pancakes. "I don't mean sex. Hey, you use protection, make sure everyone's clean and having a good time, check no one's going to try eating anyone after, go wild. I mean romance. Romance makes you dumb.

"You say dumb things. You do dumb things. You panic because you realise how serious it's getting maybe there's some backstabbing, and the next few times she sees you she tries to kill you, really it's better all around if there are no feelings involved above the belt."

That was a very specific example, Aphra.

No movie today, kids, try to contain your disappointment.

"So we've covered the fact that people are dumb and cannot be relied upon to act in their own best interests insted of what they think is their own best interests and how that can go horribly worng. Today we're going to look at how to make that dumbness work for you." Aphra had such faith in her fellow sapients. It was truly touching.

"Now, the thing that comes easiest to mind is reverse psychology, which if you haven't heard of it before, is using that whole contrariness thing against people, you tell 'em not to do something and watch as they fall all over themselves to do it. So, you've got something you really want someone else to do, and you're pretty sure they're not going to cooperate? You make it seem like them doing it would be the worst thing ever, and they'll probably do it just to spite you. Only issue is if you're dealing with someone who's either too earnest or too suspicious, then they'll probably listen to you and won't do.

"One way to deal with suspicious types is to let them think they got one over on you, say you're pulling some kind of heist with a bunch of glit-biting vacuum suckers and you're pretty sure they'll backstab you for a bigger cut, but you really need those creds. You find a way to backstab them first without them even realising it. You manage to 'lose' however much of the haul you need, then let your 'team' bully you into giving up your share of what's left to cover their losses. They get to soothe their egos, you get the biggest cut of them all, it's worth a little pride.

"Anyway, today I want you to figure out amongst yourself the best way to get something you want out of someone without them realising you wanted it in the first place, then during the week try it out on someone not in the class. Or in it, if you want to try the hard mode. Though nothing skeevy, nothing illegal, nothing that's going to make anyone regret it, because I'll make sure you'll regret it."

There were no big red buttons in the Danger Shop today. Aphra was looking disturbingly cheerful though.

"So, as you might have noticed, people are dumb," she began. "They're also contrary, stubborn, curious, and all sorts of things like that which mean you tell them not to do something and someone'll try to do it the second you're backs turned.Find a room full of dead bodies, at least some of who clearly died trying to turn a mysterious machine off, someone will want to turn it back on, just to see what happens. Especially if there are any big, red buttons. There's just something about those."

Aphra clapped her hands together. "Just to illustrate this, I want you to come up with a foolproof way to warn people away from something dangerous. Then I want you to come up with ways of being a better class of fools and poke at all the holes in each others' plans. The freebie being even if there's a common tongue, not everyone's gonna speak it."

Aphra's first class wasn't being held in the Danger Shop, instead taking place in an ordinary classroom. Whether this was a good sign remained to be seen.

"Welcome to 'Decision Making For Dummies', I'm Doctor Aphra, and I'll be teaching you all about how not to get yourself killed in a fist of stupidity," she declared, smiling broadly in a way that totally didn't indicate their first mistake was signing up to the class. "Trust me, I've got experience here."

Totally not a mistake.

"First things, introductions, I recognise some of you, but there's also some newbies." Or people she'd forgotten, same diff. "Also it's a tradition. So name, class, and instead of telling us why you're taking the class, demonstrate why you need it by telling us all about some horribly embarrassing mistake you've made. Preferably recently."