Fandom High School

"Today we're going to practice parking," Brian declared. "Not parallel parking, that's another thing. Just pulling your car into a parking space...after racing to get there." Of course. "So, what you're going to do is, you're going to race around the block, and then pull into one of the handwavily provided parking spaces, marked out with cones, and put your car in park. If you touch one of the cones while parking, you have to start over. Jump the curb or hit another car while driving or anything like that, start over. You do it fast, and you do it right. Ready? Set, go!"

This week, the cars were lined up neatly on an anonymous city street.

"If you've had a class with me before, you know how this goes," Brian said. "If you haven't, well, it's pretty simple: today, you're gonna race. There's a nice big painted yellow line on the road up there that marks the end of a quarter mile. First one there wins. Now get in your cars, start your engines, and GO!"

Class today would be meeting in the Danger Shop, and once they had gathered, Brian pushed a button to make something he had painstakingly programmed in ahead of time appear. "This is a car," Brian told his students. Oh, God. It was so beautiful. He might need a moment. He might be biting his knuckle. Okay, he was good. He was in love, but he was good. "Actually, this is a work of art. None of you will be driving it." Even not real, he didn't need to see what Thorin would do to a Bugatti. Brian had enough nightmares already, thanks.

Brian opened the passenger side door, then went around and opened the driver's door. "Everybody gather around, there are few enough of you to fit. Let's talk about what you'll find in the cockpit." Brian might need another moment. After his moment, he proceeded to talk them through all of the controls and dials and what they did handwavily. Then, he pressed another button and an identical Honda Civic for each student appeared. "Your assignment for today is to familiarize yourselves with the controls on the vehicles we'll be using in this class. If you have any questions, the manuals are in the glove compartments of your vehicles, or you can ask me." Brian would be here admiring the hard light Bugatti and trying to figure out if there was any way to smuggle it out of the Danger Shop.

Brian's class today was meeting in space. Well, in the Danger Shop, but in space. "Your final is--no, I'm just kidding, forget finals. You made it through the semester! A bunch of you wanted to learn how to fly spaceships, and we didn't get to that, so to make up for it I've pulled up a bunch of handwavey spaceships this thing had programmed in, and you can pick out whatever one you want and it'll put you through the handwavey training module. Try not to blow yourselves up too many times. If anyone has any questions, I'll try to answer them, but this is...uh, not really my area of expertise." Give him four wheels and a combustion engine any day of the week.

Brian had had other plans for today, but then he had remembered what today was. And so, when the students arrived in the Danger Shop, they would find their magnificent rides waiting for them. It had a blistering top speed of five miles per hour!

"Hey, guys," Brian said. "Today's ride is pretty simple. One pedal, push it to accelerate, let up to brake, and steering. That's about it. Your course is handwavily marked out for you. Try not to do too much bumper-car-ing." Meaning he was anticipating at least some. "Ready, set, to your vehicles and GO!"

"Okay, so, you've familiarized yourselves with your planes, and now you've gotta fly them," Brian said. "I hope you all read your handwavey because curiously enough information on how to fly a plane is not very readily available on the internet for some reason hi NSA homework and are ready. And remember, this is a simulation, so if you crash you're just going to find yourself back in your cockpit ready to lift off again. The real world is not so forgiving.

"No race this week, so no pressure, just start your plane, go through the pre-flight check, lift off, follow your course, and land again." He fully expected it to take some of you a few tries.

The Danger Shop today was a beautiful snowy landscape and Brian did not look happy about it. You could take the boy out of California, but...

"Okay!" Brian declared. "Snowmobiles! They're pretty straightforward: automatic engine, steer like a motorcycle, brake, acceleration, again, a lot like a motorcycle. Red button is the kill switch, that shuts off the motor. Your course is handwavily marked with flags. So hop on and get ready to race!"

"We were supposed to start learning about boats today, but the Danger Shop isn't cooperating with me, so instead we're going to watch a movie about a boat," Brian declared. "Enjoy."

Today, class was meeting in an empty parking lot with some kind of course marked off in cones and caution tape winding through it. "So, I was going to start you guys out with motorcycles, but then I decided maybe some of you weren't ready for that yet. So instead, this week we're going to do something a step before motorcycles: bicycles!" Brian tried to sound enthusiastic about this. It didn't really work. "It's just like a motorcycle without the motor, which means you provide the power. Through pedaling!" Brian explained how one pedaled a bike, as well as steering and the importance of balance. "There are no training wheels because it's the Danger Shop, you can't get hurt anyway. Your assignment? Hop on a bike, race through the course. Aaaaaand go!"

"Man, it is hot today, right?" Brian asked as he ambled into the Danger Shop, carrying a cooler, once all his students had arrived. The Shop had, of course, already been set up as Miami, with appropriate mid-August weather. "Well, good news." He hefted the cooler. "I've got ice cream. Bad news, I'm the only one who can open the cooler, and I'm not going to do that until the ice cream arrives at its destination: my buddy Tej's place. You've been there before, but just in case, the address is programmed into your cars' GPS.

"I'm not taking this ice cream to Tej's. You are. That's your entire assignment. One of you gets there with the ice cream, you all win and get to come eat ice cream. But there's a catch!" Wasn't there always? "The cops are after you guys," Brian said solemnly. "They want that ice cream. They want it bad. And they'll stop at nothing to get it. Roadblocks, helicopters, you name it. So you need to work together and come up with a plan to get that ice cream through. You each have a walkie talkie in your car, tuned to the same frequency, so if you need to change your plan on the go, you can. Oh, and one more thing. I think it's time we kicked it up a notch, don't you?" He pushed a button on the remote, and the line of Eclipses was replaced by six identical Bugatti Veyrons. Oh, God. They were so beautiful. Brian might cry.

"And that's it. I'll see you at Tej's. Good luck."

"Last week we added in traffic," Brian began. "This week we're adding in...consequences. By which I mean cops. Hey, you're speeding through a city in broad daylight, eventually a cop's gonna notice. Maybe not as soon as you might expect, but..." he digressed. "Now, I am not saying 'drive like a cop won't pull you over' or 'pull over for the cops,' although of course in real life you should blah blah blah whatever you know the rules. How are you going to develop your reflexes that way? No. Your assignment, ladies and gentlemen, is to evade the cops. If you get pulled over or blocked in, you go back to the start. Let's go."

"My buddy Tej lives about five miles from here," Brian observed once his students had assembled for today's class. "So today you're gonna go to his place. The handwavey address is on a post-it note stuck to the steering wheel of your car. There's a map of Miami in the passenger seat. If you're not there by the end of class the simulation will end, no worries, and you can take as long as you need to study the map, but remember, this is a race, and your time starts now."

"I'd like to congratulate yo all on making it this far, I feel like I could turn most of you out in the wild and you could get from point A to point B without killing anyone," Brian said wryly. Thorin went unsaid.

"As this is our last class together, we're going to do something just a little bit different." Brian pushed a button on his remote and three more rows of cars appeared behind the usual ones, identical to them in every respect. "A new route has been programmed into your GPS, and, rather than sending you back to the start, a crash will cosmetically damage your car but leave it in drivable condition. It's up to you to get it out from around that lamppost or back on four wheels, though. Hope you figure out passing quickly. Ladies and gentlemen, to your cars."

"Something a little different today," Brian said. "You're still racing, but we're going to get...eh, kind of a two for one." He pressed a button on the remote, and the four Eclipses appeared...facing backwards. "This is based upon a real scenario you might encounter on a city street," Brian explained. "You're driving down the street looking for a parking place and you realize there was one back there that you just missed. Now, you could circle the block, but by the time you do that, some other jackass could have swiped it from you. So you're going to have to back up. And then? You're going to have to park." Just to make sure they understood, he spelled it out: "Quarter mile, in reverse, followed by parallel parking. First person to make it and park successfully wins. There are two spots on either side of the road, flanked by Lamborghinis: car, space, car, space, car. Hit a Lamborghini while parking and--well, and be glad this isn't the real world, but also, same as any other collision, you go back to the starting line and start over, and then you do it again until you get it right."

Yes, Brian might be evil.

"Now, parallel parking is new, so let's go over that." Brian talked them through it, then got into the red Eclipse and demonstrated, talking them through it through the open window as he did so. When he got out, he said, "I understand we've had a withdrawal, which is unfortunate, but it means you'll be doing four heats of four instead of the previous system. So let's go."