Fandom High School

"Welcome to your final," Biff said, smiling evilly. "You will be confronted with a series of multiple choice options in this hour. Use what you have learned in this class about major world religions to pick correctly. Afterwards, you may celebrate with pizza."

He paused.

"Just not here. I'm tired of all of you. Have a good summer."

"Today I get to bitch about talk about the Twelve," Biff said with a slightly predatory gleam to his eyes. "Of course, there were fifteen of us, when you add in me, Josh, and Maggie." He frowned. "Who wasn't a harlot and I have no idea how that rumor got started. Probably her ex-husband."

He shrugged. "Anyone, the fourteen of us were in charge of logistics and security for Josh's events. As you might've guessed, that boy was a security nightmare. After the Sermon on the Mount--and if you think that was just off the top of his head, you're out of your mind--the apostles split up to spread the Word of the Messiah and Josh and I stayed out of the public eye for a little while."

Biff grinned. "Your activity today is to go forth and preach as the apostles did, heal the sick, and bring the good news that, frankly, not a lot of fairly important people were eager to hear. The computer will generate a number of scenarios that the apostles encountered. And you, lucky, lucky you, get to be one of the apostles. That's also been randomly assigned."

( And lo, the list did appear )

"There was kind of an important religious holiday on Sunday, huh?" Biff asked, passing out chocolate eggs and bunnies.

After all, Josh had said that there should be bunnies whenever bad things happened to him. Biff hadn't known someone else had written that down somewhere. Josh had been pretty drunk when he'd said it.

"So let's talk about my best friend, Joshua of Nazareth, founder of Christianity. I, um, missed the thing on the Sunday after the crucifixion, but I was there for everything leading up to it. Rather than lecturing at you, I figured it'd be easier if you asked questions and I answered them. I'll be dedicating a whole class to the apostles, so don't worry if you can't keep them all straight. And I have no idea what's going on with the Catholic Church now, or televangelists, or those stickers asking what Jesus would drive. If you want to know what he was really like, I can tell you that. If you want to know, you know, religion, um, ask the guy down at the church."

How Can I Be Saved - Mobile

Biff was wearing saffron-colored robes and sitting in the center of the floor.

...the middle of the ground.

Okay, so they were in a cave. And it was cold. Really, really cold.

"Today, we meditate," Biff said, not opening his eyes. "When you sit, sit. When you breathe, breathe. When you snore, I will mock you. The essence of Buddhism is 'vast emptiness.'" He cracked open an eyelid. "And not 'vast amphibians,' as my teacher once said. His Chinese needed work. Today you concentrate on being in the moment." He shrugged. "Or falling asleep sitting up. I did both."

Biff gestured around the Danger Room. "Welcome to China," he said. Mountains could be seen all around them and it was definitely chillier than it had been in any of the other classes. "Today we begin our study of Buddhism, so you're going to need to change into these robes."

He gestured towards a rack of them and very nicely neglected to mention how his head had been shaved while he'd been a monk. He figured after the blue thing they would probably get upset about being bald, too.

Maybe for finals.

"These are called 'poles'," he continued, pointing to a seemingly endless line of wooden poles staggered in even intervals around the yard and giving Billy a sharp look. "While I was at the temple, kung-fu was a huge part of our daily lives. Well, that and Jew-do, but I'm not teaching that you--it was more Josh's thing. Being in the moment is essential to Buddhism, and it's harder to be in the moment when you're worrying about falling off a pole."

He hopped up on top of one and balanced easily. "When I tell you to, you will hop from one pole to the one in front of you. If the student in front of you doesn't hop correctly, the pole will tip over, they'll tip over and you'll have something comfortable to land on."

He grinned. "But don't think about that. Concentrate on being in the moment. Up you go."

When the students arrived in the Danger Shop for class it had been rearranged again--this time in series of cavernous rooms full of heavy furniture.

"Welcome to Afghanistan," Biff said with a smile. "Home of Balthazar, one of the creepiest magi ever. My friend Josh and I came here a couple thousand years ago to learn about the Tao. Well, Josh learned about the Tao. I learned about feng shui, which is dependent on something called qi, and then the rest of it I ignored because I was being taught by beautiful Chinese concubines and I got distracted easily."

He pointed at a series of small brass scales on a nearby table. "What I do know is that the qi in all of those rooms is totally screwed up. You take these brass scales and someone who looks good at lifting heavy objects and start moving things around until the qi is balanced again. When the little brass scales balance, you've completed the task."

Biff, it might be a little obvious, didn't really hold a lot of stock in the idea of feng shui. He just wanted them to move furniture around for an hour.

"Hello again," Biff said with a small smile. "I guess your weekend was...eventful. Today we're going to address one of the reasons that people cling to religion: the hope that something lives on after the body has died."

He waved his hands towards three Muppets guests. "You might recognize our Chef. He's joined by two friends, and they are professional mourners."

He frowned. "At least, I'm pretty sure that's what he said. Anyway. They're going to sing a traditional dirge called 'Danny Boy,' and then you will pair up and try writing your own."

He grinned. "I spent some time as a professional mourner, so I know a good dirge when I hear one. But first...the Leprechaun Brothers!"

Biff was perched on a desk, feet kicking against the wood as the students filed in.

"Hello," he said, the accent to his English barely noticeable. "My name is Levi bar Alphaeus of Nazareth. Please call me Biff. Everyone does. Welcome to Interactive Religion. Today, in a shocking change of pace if I understand the radio correctly, we'll do introductions, and then talk about what you believe the purpose of religion to be."

He leaned forward, resting his hands on his jeans. "And don't believe you have to be all sunshine and light at me. I've seen both sides of religion: the power it has to transform lives and the blithering stupidity people will stoop to in order to preserve what they see as the status quo."

He grinned. "Hey, I still remember Latin. Cool." He pointed to a student at random. "You. Name, nickname if you have one--if not, I'll give you one--and what you think about religion. Oh, and I suppose I should mention this upfront. It seems that my best friend established a pretty major one around here about 2000 years ago: Christianity? But we'll get into that a little later."