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Doctoring 101, Friday, Per 1

Once more through the portal, once more into the fray, once more into Navaan's crazy world. If nothing else, perhaps the class was learning more about the kind of world that could produce a being such as their teacher.

Sadly, there was no carnival today when they walked through the portal. Instead, they were back at Navaan's house, though luckily, they landed outside of the swamp. Looks like you were due for a regular class. Not normal, no. Never normal. But Navaan's version of regular, yup. "So, last week, we were gonna get to doctoring, but I think we can all agree that the carnival was more important. Doctoring is a highly stressful job, what with all the excitement and danger, so it's important to take some time out to relax. However, this week is a holy week for my little guys, so they're not in their monastery anymore. They've all gone to a casino to perform the rituals and try to earn enough money to keep their temple going for another year."

They were monks who worshiped the god of luck. Going to a casino for a high holiday just made sense if you thought about it.

"But don't worry, we still have patients to diagnose and treat!" Because Navaan knew you lot would be worried about that. "In fact, these guys are even better than my little guys, because they're you can try out new cutting-edge treatments and they'll still be fine even if they don't work!" She whistled and twelve...creatures...walked out of the front door. They were purple, featureless and lumpy, like someone had smushed together hairy chunks of mud into a vaguely humanoid figures. "These guys are shapeshifters! They're great, because they can look like anything you want 'em to. My friend Grier, who hates fun, once got one to look like a voluptuous woman with a sack of gold for a head!"

"Yeah," one of the shapeshifters sighed. "I never did get paid for that job. Stupid village."

"Aren't villages the worst?" Navaan sympathized. "Anyway, students, each of you is gonna get a shapeshifter with a medical issue. Your job is to diagnose the problem and then come up with a medical solution. I want to see creativity here, too. You're training to be a doctor! That means creativity! Some doctors might be happy toiling in obscurity, using ancient methods that have been passed down for generations, but not us! We're at the forefront of medical technology! We're pushing the boundaries and coming up with new treatments. So I don't wanna hear any boring medicines or practices here. I want exciting new ones! Go!"

[SFW comic today! Huzzah!]

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Like you're about to doctor someone!

Stewart

Ignis Scientia

Anakin Skywalker

Donald Blake

Arthur Lester (and John Doe)

Or, well, listen to Navaan speak some words. Or look at the shapeshifters. Whatever.

Ignis was still rather on the fence as to whether he should continue wasting his time with this class, but some sort of stubborn desire to maybe eke something useful out of it had him returning again next week, with the vow to not return if this week was more like The last.

So excuse the curse muttered primary under his breath when it sounded like they would actually be doing things that could be considered first-aid....well, not adjacent, but kiddy-corner, perhaps.

Through the lecture, though, Stewart was distracted, squinting at Ignis standing there and starting to realize why he looked familiar.

"Didn't you join me in a somewhat antagonistic dance outside of the T&C not too long ago?"

Not many people (read: anyone) actually joined him in his revelry, so that, and the man's...distinct dancing style....had made him...quite memorable.

And here Ignis had presumed himself so far off the hook for that that he'd nearly forgotten about it entirely.

There was...a pause.

"No," he said. "You must have me mistaken for someone else."

What, with his very unremarkable, indistinct look and all...

Navaan is eating popcorn for this conversation.

Or, well, she was eating something. Maybe don't look too closely.

Navaan pointed to one of the shapeshifters and told it to assume the form of a human male missing an arm. Then from her bag, she grabbed an acorn.

"Okay, so my diagnosis is that he's missing an arm. A lot of lesser doctors might be okay with just bandaging his arm and letting him be armless for the rest of his life, but not us! So this is what we're gonna do instead. I'm gonna pack the wound with dirt and plant an acorn in there. Soon, he'll grow a new arm, ten times stronger than the old one!"

The shapeshifter created a new arm that looked like it was made of oak branches twining around one another. He flexed and the wood rippled, then waved at the students with five small twigs.

The other shapeshifters clapped politely.

"All right, class. Let's see what you can do."

Hey, he's got an arm like our pinky, Arthur!

"Oh! Huh."

Maybe her doctoring actually works sometimes.

"That is a frightening thought, John."

There are a bunch of shapeshifters with various maladies. Pick one. Or more!

There are:
A shifter with a deep wound that's gotten VERY infected.
A shifter covered in lesions
A shifter coughing up black bile
A shifter with the pox! Which pox? Uncertain!
A shifter with terrible 3rd degree burns over its face
A shifter with a rash over much of its body.
A shifter suffering from severe food poisoning
A shifter covered with carbuncles.
A shifter struck by lightning
A shifter spattered in acid and half-melted.
A shifter with its throat slit and is bleeding out.

Well, this certainly had the potential to be....an experience.

But Ignis was feeling strangely drawn toward one of the shapeshifters in particular, and moved his way over.

"Now," he said, "for the sake of avoiding me having to be too intrusive lying hands-on, why don't you tell me what seems to be the problem."

"Well, I think I've got myself infrctrd with a bad case of the carbuncles."

There was a sort of odd jolt from Ignis at that response, followed by a deep frown. "You're infected with a case of a legendary mythological Messenger of the gods?"

There was also a pause from the shapeshifter. "Well, if they're trying to send me a message, I wish it weren't so red and irritable and itchy, but I guess it's better than syphilis."

There was...more pausing. "And are these....carbuncles...infecting the same areas as syphilis does?"

"Some of 'em, yeah."

Ignis sighed, and reached into his back. "Well, I'm certainly glad I thought to bring gloves..."

But, as it would so happen, they hardly seemed necessary. Before Ignis could even begin to inspect his patient, he let put a slightly surprised sound. "Huh! Look at that! Cleared right up, just like that! Now that's some good work! Thanks!"

"But I didn't--" Ignis was going to protest, but then stopped, shaking his head, and deciding that, like most things in this class, he was better off just not trying to question it.

Anakin was walking right past the burn victim for...reasons, and went to the one who'd been struck by lightning instead.

"Hurts like hell, huh?" he said sympathetically. "I've gotten stuck a few times myself." Stupid Palpatine.

The shifter gave him a look like might potential be as strange as Navaan.

"You probably have nerve damage," he said. "Hold still and I'll see."

"Whatcha doin', bestie?"

Anakin waved at the patient. "I was going to check on him using my mind powers."

"Neat, I wanna see that!"

Mentally apologizing to generations of Jedi before and after him, Anakin flipped up his robe's hood and moved his hands dramatically. "Stay still," he commanded, closing his eyes and reached into the Force.

Yup. Definitely electrocuted. Ow.

Stewart lost his bag at the carnival last week, but he did still have his decorative jar of leeches, now being transported in the glitter cthulhu pot hanger with its chain mail accoutrements he'd made in his Arts & Crafts classes yesterday.

He was a very serious man doing very serious things.

"Surely," he said to the shapeshifter with the acid burn, "you've heard of fighting fire with fire? Now what about healing acid with..."

He seemingly procured a sheet of tabs from no where, in considerable dramatic fashion.

"Acid. Take one of these under your tongue and I assure you, in due time, your grotesquery won't matter and your pain will feel transcendent . And if that doesn't do it?"

Impressive, really, managing to pull off a tight spin like that in a swamp, and now he held aloft his phone.

"May the music move you!"

And pressed play.

Edited 2024-06-07 20:29 (UTC)

"Finally," Navaan said with an approving nod. "Someone who understands doctoring."

Don headed straight for the shifter with the slit throat to apply pressure to the wound. "Can somebody get sutures from my bag?" Because he had of course supplemented his original glitter-and-leeches inventory with actual medical supplies, just in case, after a few weeks in Navaan's company. "They should be under the plush toy that says 'fucksticks.'"

Navaan goes and fetches it. "Okay, whatcha thinking?" she asks, definitely standing too close to him and peering.

Don was thinking that if he had an ER and an anesthesiologist he could have sewed this guy's neck back together no problem, but hey, he'd give it the ol' college try.

"I'm thinking that you can probably agree with me that this is a giant waste of blood, so I'm gonna try to restore some structural integrity to this guy's neck so he stops losing all of it all over the place."

"Sure but that's just kinda boring, dontcha think?" Navaan asked.

"I do," the shapeshifter said helpfully.

"Get creative, Don!"

"And what would you suggest, as an experienced doctor?" Don asked, somehow both curious to hear the answer and dying a little inside.

John explained what each of the "patients" looked like, and Arthur threw his hands up. "Right. The one with the infected wound. Maybe leeches can help?"

Flesh-eating worms would be better, John opined.

"Well, we haven't got any of those...have we? Never mind. You - let's see if leeches help that."

If the items in your doctor bag aren't sufficient (you all did bring your bags, right?) you can go into Navaan's house and raid her ~~moddable~~ medical supplies.

'Medical supplies'

But also it's Navaan's house so just like...know that.

Or you can raid the swamp for homeopathic supplies!

Edited 2024-06-07 15:12 (UTC)

She's full of ideas about possible treatments!

Some more images of the shapeshifters, these are NOT SFW

Fresh Horses
Bag of Gold For A Head

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Doctoring 101, Friday, Per 1

Sign in #4

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Listen to the Lecture

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Demonstration

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Get Doctoring

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Navaan's House

Talk to Navaan

OOC