Best Defence 2: The Defencening [Thurs, Period 2]

[wrongkindofsith]

You only had Cara this week, kids, which boded well for none of you ended up poisoned, but not so much for her mood. Though she seemed remarkably chipper.

"Well, it seems none of you got eaten," Cara said in a tone that suggested she'd had her doubts. "I had my doubts. But since the island likes to become even more ridiculous over time, we might as well start preparing for the next time now."

She pressed a control and a whole new sharkicane started up, only now there were bears riding the sharks. Fire breathing bears.

Mean, Cara.

Alien Conspiracy Theories, Friday, Second Period

[stickitupmyjinx]

"In case you're despairing at the current state of American politics--see also, the stack of forms on my coffee table right now for my application for Canadian citizenship--don't worry! According to twelve million Americans--which means, on average, one in twenty-five people believe this--this is all part of the plan of the lizard people more properly called reptilians who are our secret overlords, either shapeshifting or wearing human suits to blend in among us. I mean, it explains why Donald Trump and Steve Bannon look like that, at least, right? They're wearing meta for Edgar suits." Vanessa paused. "Most of you probably won't get that reference. Other definite lizard people include Donald Rumsfeld, who wouldn't deny it during a radio interview, Dick Cheney, the Queen of England, and Mark Zuckerberg. But not Melania. She's just had too much plastic surgery. And a Canadian politician who was accused of being a kitten-eating lizard person, which we all know is even worse than a normal reptilian, who just eats humans. Apparently there are native reptilians and non-native, or invasive, I guess, reptilians, who don't like each other, which explains why Queen Elizabeth finds herself among such miserable company. Personally, I think this theory has a lot going for it, as it frees me of being part of the same species as Donald Trump. Now, let's discuss which public figures we think are definitely a lizard person. Like, do we think it's the whole royal family, or is Kate a mammal? Can she really naturally have hair that shiny?"