School Assembly, Friday afternoon, The Auditorium

[bugofjustice.livejournal.com]

The Tick took the stage once the audience was nice and full and smiled. "Crime is a broken drive-up ATM machine. It doesn't pay. Trust me, as a former full-time and current freelance Bank Teller of Justice I know this well. Sure, the ATM is faster when you get it to work, and it's the easier way to make money, but it'll break down, leaving you high and dry. And broke. It's best to park the car, go inside, do things right, and cross that Vestibule of Right because otherwise you're going to end up with nothing in time!"

"Trust me, I've been a superhero long enough, I know what I'm talking about!"

"Today's speakers are criminals who've learned how bad the life can be, who've learned that it's not worth the chance of saving a little bit of time only to end up unable to retrieve your Money from the Bank of Law."

[OOC: Standard assembly stuff. Threads for speakers are marked, please don't comment in those threads until the speaker has, speakers should also ping into the Q&A thread.]

Comments

Before the Assembly [11/10]

[bugofjustice.livejournal.com]

Find your seats and mingle!

Re: Before the Assembly [11/10]

[bound2blade.livejournal.com]

Why did Setsuna bring an umbrella with her to the assembly? None of your damn business.

But she was prepared now should the sprinklers go off yet again. If she found out who kept doing that, so help her...

She really needed to start learning Iron Umbrella technique soon.

Re: Before the Assembly [11/10]

[imac-kenzie.livejournal.com]

Mac picked herself a seat. Hopefully no one tall will sit in front of her because if she was dragging herself out of her room just for assembly, she'd better at least have a decent view.

Re: Before the Assembly [11/10]

[http://users.livejournal.com/weissguy_/]

Weiss was all bouncy. Vegas, baby. Right after the assembly.

Re: Before the Assembly [11/10]

[willbedone.livejournal.com]

Willow liked guest speakers. They brought new ways to learn things.

Re: Before the Assembly [11/10]

[senor-chado.livejournal.com]

Chad came into the assembly and, seeing that Setsuna was sitting in back, was going to join her, but saw that she was already talking with someone, so he just waved and plopped down somewhere in front.

...After making sure he wasn't directly blocking anyone, of course.

Re: Before the Assembly [11/10]

[mparkerceo.livejournal.com]

Parker's here. With shades on. No, she doesn't have whatever you get when it's not a hangover. Don't be stupid.

Re: Before the Assembly [11/10]

[l1ttle-billy.livejournal.com]

Billy arrived late. Sorry 'bout that.

Speaker 1: Lilah Morgan

[bugofjustice.livejournal.com]

"A former resident of Fandom, Lilah Morgan is a lawyer! She represented criminals of all sorts, so she's the perfect person to speak to how crime is a misguided pursuit! Ladies and gentlemen, Lilah Morgan!"

Re: Speaker 1: Lilah Morgan

[lilah-esq.livejournal.com]

Lilah walked up to the podium, confident and relaxed as she adjusted the silk printed scarf at her throat.

"Good afternoon, students. I can't tell you what an..." Lilah gave the room a slightly scornful once-over, "experience it is to be back in Fandom."

"I know that many people will tell you, or have told you, that crime doesn't pay, that evil doesn't pay." She placed both hands on the podium. "Well, I'm here to tell you that that particular piece of wisdom is one of those great lies that help society to function as well as it does." Lilah cleared her throat, possibly to cover a cynical chuckle. "To the contrary, crime pays very well. If you're looking for a high risk, entertaining, and extremely lucrative career path, crime is definitely the way to go, and please take a business card or two before you leave."

"However, if you decide to go into crime or something a little darker than that," Lilah again looked out over the audience, focusing on one or two people in particular, "don't start a relationship with someone who might change you. Someone who might weaken you, no matter how perfect for you they may seem at the time. Otherwise, before you know it, you'll be throwing in your towel with a bunch of wanna be do gooders and getting your head chopped off because certain people can't tell a post-death vampire bite from a stab wound." She paused and cleared her throat. "Hypothetically speaking, of course."

"In closing, remember that you are the only one who cares what happens to you. Make your choices accordingly."

Speaker 2: King Gorilla

[bugofjustice.livejournal.com]

"Next we have a villain who is serving time in prison. And he's a big, talking gorilla! He's not only lived the life, but he's done it as an ape! Please welcome King Gorilla!"

Re: Speaker 2: King Gorilla

[joxertehmighty.livejournal.com]

King Gorilla was, in fact, a big talking gorilla. Huge, in fact. He stood on stage wearing a massive set of manacles, and a sleeveless orange jumpsuit, very clearly marking him as an incarcerated criminal. He grumbled a little before taking a deep breath, then he spoke.

"I got an entire spiel practiced, so nobody interrupt me, okay?" He rubbed the back of his head with a massive paw.

"Hi, I'm King Gorilla. You might recognize me from my time on The Surreal Life. I thought I had it all, at one time. Crime had given me everything I wanted. All the nubile Tarzans I could ever want, regular amounts of mindless violence, a steady paycheck, it was all goin' good, right? I even joined up with the Guild of Calamitous Intent. The finest group of villains the world has ever known."

He then snort-laughed.

"Yeah, finest bunch of backstabbers, more like. I make one mistake, break one part of the code of conduct, and bam, look at me. I'm in jail for the rest of my life, they ain't planning on springing me, hell, they didn't even stop me from getting convicted. All because I eviscerated and sodomized Vince Neill on national television. Was that really so bad? Was it?"

He was getting visibly angry.

"So guess what, kids? Crime leads to jail, and jail isn't as fun as you'd think. Sure, I get my terrarium full of Tarzans, but it's not like you can really make friends in there. And hell, you know how many people in prison are built like girls? It's ridiculous. I hit the showers, and... I'm not supposed to be talking about this." King Gorilla took another deep breath.

"So my recommendations to you is simple. Crime leads to crap. I ain't reformed or anything like that. If I could break out I'd be back to what I used to do in the blink of an eye. But I've seen too many people screwed over by the Guild to let you impressionable kids walk into the same trap. You don't want to end up like White Noise or Mister Monday. I think I heard the Guild had them sprung from prison... then shot."

He snorted.

"I was going to have a presentation of 'This is your ass, This is your ass in prison, any questions?'. But it was deemed 'too graphic' for you kids. Just know this: It's gonna hurt. A lot. And that? Is my spiel."

Speaker 3: Megara

[bugofjustice.livejournal.com]

"The first of two speakers from the good old days of Greece today, our next speaker has a somewhat unique perspective thanks to how she was brought into villainy. Please welcome Megara!"

Re: Speaker 3: Megara

[greek-babe.livejournal.com]

Meg tried not to stare too obviously as she took her place. "Thanks, Dean Blue Guy," she said. "Nice muscles."

She looked out at the students and said, "My friends call me Meg, but I don't know you, so don't try it. So let me give you the basic rundown, because none of you really want to be here anyway. Girl meets boy. Girl makes deal promising her soul in exchange for boy's life. Boy runs off with floozy, girl ends up in servitude to the god of the Underworld because of it. As stories go, there are happier, but you know what they say: the road to Hades is paved with good intentions. Literally. So I spent plenty of time doing the dirty work of a guy who already smelled like death, until of course I met someone who helped me turn things around. And okay, that still didn't work out terrifically, but eventually! And we lived happily ever after.

Except for where he keeps leaving wet towels on the floor." She attempted to look at all the boys and shake her head to tell them that that's Bad.

Speaker 4: Xena

[bugofjustice.livejournal.com]

"Also from Greece, this speaker embraced the call of villainy and kept on withdrawing cash until the ATM was dead. Allow me to introduce Xena!"

Re: Speaker 4: Xena

[hasmanyskills.livejournal.com]

A tall woman who looked a look like an older, dark-haired, armour-wearing version of D'Anna Biers, started speaking.

"My name is Xena, also known as Xena, Warrior Princess, or on occasions, Xena, Destroyer of Nations, and I used to be a warlord. I'm not anymore, but while I was, I was the best. Ruthless, unstoppable, the look of fear that villagers used to get when they heard my army was coming...was, uh, quite disheartening, really." Xena coughed and started shuffling the sheets of parchment she was reading off. "I spent a good ten winters on the path of darkness, and while the perks may look good, the stylish clothes, the mindlessly loyal followers, the hot sex with leather-clad war-gods...trust me, it's not really all that great. After all, silk sheets and feather pillows are nothing compared to sharing a blanket on the bare ground with some talky blon- friend, with a good friend, always willing to ask endless questions about your day when all you want is a good night of sleep."

Xena continued in this vein for quite some time, anyone actually paying attention to her speech might wonder who exactly she was trying to convince that evil was the wrong choice.

Speaker 5: Deadpool

[bugofjustice.livejournal.com]

"Next we have a mercenary who will sell his services to the highest bidder, but at least he does it with a sense of humor. Considering that he's a mercenary, I would imagine he's here to provide a counterpoint. We'll see. Ladies and gentlemen, Deadpool!"

Re: Speaker 5: Deadpool

[mouthy-merc.livejournal.com]

A man in a red and black, well he would call it a ninja suit, but in reality it was more of a uni-tard, come on stage and was unable to stop staring The Tick's chin. "Chin...sweet merciful baby Jesus...worse than the pointy hair..."

"A life of crime is bad because..." He trailed off and spent a few minutes thinking. "Well, there's no health plan. So, if you want to pursue a career as a minion or lackey, make sure to heal really fast. Or abandon your boss when the heroes show up to stop whatever overly elaborate plan they have that week. And there's another downside to the villainy thing, the morality police. Who says that killing people for money isn't a legitimate career choice? I've been hired by several governments who would never condone illegal acts. And we all know that the government is never hypocritical, right boys and girls?" He paused for a second to for a reaction from the audience.

"And where do they get off trying to tell me how to live my life anyway? So I've assassinated a few people, that doesn't make me a bad person. It just means that I occasionally like taking a sniper rifle and shooting people I don't know in the head because a shady agency or criminal mastermind wants them dead and has paid me a lot of money, doesn't mean that I'm not a decent person underneath it all." He paused and stared at the audience. "Okay, so maybe it does."

He coughed once before continuing, "In conclusion! Crime doesn't pay. Except for when it does. Quite handsomely too."

Speaker 6: Mojo Jojo

[bugofjustice.livejournal.com]

"We have another primate up next, although this one is rather smaller. But look at the size of his head! It's the size of the rest of him! And look at that snazzy cape! I introduce to you, Mojo Jojo!"

Re: Speaker 6: Mojo Jojo

[nadiathesaint]

A monkey in a blue suit with a giant brain . . . helmet . . . thingy came scurrying up to the podium.

His cape was, indeed, magnificent.

"Thank you. Hello students, who are here to learn many things and teachers who are here to educate, teach, and illuminate the students on the many things that they are here to learn. I am Mojo Jojo! The greatest monkey criminal mastermind in the world! There are many other great monkey criminal masterminds, but they are all lesser masterminds than myself, Mojo Jojo because they are inferior to me! But I am here to tell you that crime does not pay. Crime is when you bend, break, or ignore the rules that the governments, which are people who tell you rules, tell you. And it does not pay any money whatsoever. And the reason why, which I will tell you now, because that is what I am here to do, is because of superheroes. People who are there to protect, safe-guard, and generally keep the rules safe from great monkey criminal masterminds, like myself, Mojo Jojo! Yes, even I, Mojo Jojo must face superheros like the Powerpuff Girls, who are annoying, irritating, and bothersome little girls who stop great monkey criminal masterminds from doing their great, monkey masterminded crimes! And they will stop you, prevent you from doing your crime, and keep it from paying you! That is why you should not be a criminal, like me, Mojo Jojo! And that is what I am here to say. . . ."

This went on for some time.

Speaker 7: Pinky and the Brain

[bugofjustice.livejournal.com]

"Our final speakers are lab rodents who... Actually, I'm not sure why exactly they're here, but I'm sure they have something very important to say. Please welcome out final speakers this afternoon, Pinky and Brian!"

Re: Speaker 7: Pinky and the Brain

[pinky-n-brain.livejournal.com]

A small white mouse with an overly large cranium climbed nimbly up the stool that had been placed in front of the microphone and cleared his throat. "Greetings students, teachers, and others. I am The Brain. Not Brian. The Brain."

A tall, thin mouse was bouncing around the bottom of the stool, waving a paw. "Me, me, don't forget me."

"I wish I could. And this is Pinky. My…assistant."

Pinky grinned and waved madly, before scurrying off behind the curtain at the back of the stage.

"For those of you who are wondering, yes, I am a genetically altered laboratory mouse who for many years attempted to take over the world."

The curtain behind him slowly began to rise.

"Some of you may be considering a career in global domination. I have chosen to honour you by sharing some of the lessons I've learned, in the hopes that they may guide your future steps."

The curtain had risen far enough that Pinky could be seen, clinging to the bottom of it, waving excitedly.

"You must steel yourself against mawkish sentimentality. You must remain focused on your goal." He paced back and forth across the stool, gesturing emphatically. "You must learn to recognise opportunities when they present themselves. And ignore them," he hastily added. "Yes, ignore them, because taking over the world is wrong."

As it rose higher, a large disc, painted in concentric circles and mounted on a precarious looking wheeled contraption, came into view.

"An amusing clay dog that grows grass? You could use it to create an entirely new planet! A revered president died before sound recordings? You can bring him back to life. Hippies, sumo wrestling, crab meat pancakes, elf distribution, dentures!" He smacked a fist against his palm. "All these opportunities must be disregarded! No matter how tempting they might be."

The curtain rose completely, Pinky leapt to the cord hanging next to the disc, pulling it sharply down, and the disc began to spin (http://www.diamond-jim.com/hypnodisc/). Pinky watched it, bouncing up and down on the cord, giggling with delight

"If you are invited to speak at a gathering of eager young students, just as a random example, you must under no circumstances hyp-- well, if you'd care to direct your attention to the back of the stage, I'm sure you'll find it fascinating."

He turned, pointing at the disc, and saw Pinky. "Pinky, stop it."

"Stop it?"

"Yes, Pinky," he said, turning back to the audience with a weak smile. "Stop it!"

"Really stop it?"

Smile turning into a fixed grin, he muttered, "Don't make me hurt you, Pinky. Now stop it!"

"Okay, Brain, if you say so." He swung behind the disc, there was a loud clunk, and he swung back out, leaping off the cord and landing on the stage steps.

Brain whirled around at the clunk, shouting, "Pinky, no!", but it was too late.

A shower of sparks and the grind of metal gears heralded the disc's escape from its supports. It hit the floor, bounced once, twice, then whirred across the stage, scattering bits of wire, metal, and wood in its wake as it knocked over microphone and stool. Brain went flying into the air only to be snared by the trailing cord and dragged after the disc as the stool ricocheted off the contraption that had held it, knocked it onto its side, then hit the stage and smashed into several pieces.

Luckily, nothing went flying into the audience.

Pinky stared, open mouthed, as Brain and the disc disappeared into the wings. Laughing uncertainly, he crept over to the fallen microphone, said, "Umm…NARF!", and scurried after it.

General Audience Conversation [11/10]

[bugofjustice.livejournal.com]

During the assembly, there is plenty of time to talk amongst yourselves. Please do so here.

Speaker Q&A [11/10]

[bugofjustice.livejournal.com]

"All of our speakers are done now. If you have any questions for them, please step up and ask!"

[OOC: Please don't ask a question of a speaker until they have pinged into this thread. Thank you.]

Re: Speaker Q&A [11/10]

[nadiathesaint]

"I am sure that now you students are confused, befuddled, and not entirely yet clear on the concept despite the great speeches, orations, and lectures from the various masterminds who are here in front of you on the stage, talking and speaking. So I will answer your questions, comments, and concerns now. Not later, but right now as you ask them of me!"

Well, he would if you could get him to shut up.

OOC [11/10]

[bugofjustice.livejournal.com]

Thank you once again to sogothcally for the idea for this assembly. And big thanks to everyone who signed up!