School Assembly, Friday afternoon, The Auditorium

[bugofjustice.livejournal.com]

The Tick took the stage once the audience was nice and full and smiled. "Crime is a broken drive-up ATM machine. It doesn't pay. Trust me, as a former full-time and current freelance Bank Teller of Justice I know this well. Sure, the ATM is faster when you get it to work, and it's the easier way to make money, but it'll break down, leaving you high and dry. And broke. It's best to park the car, go inside, do things right, and cross that Vestibule of Right because otherwise you're going to end up with nothing in time!"

"Trust me, I've been a superhero long enough, I know what I'm talking about!"

"Today's speakers are criminals who've learned how bad the life can be, who've learned that it's not worth the chance of saving a little bit of time only to end up unable to retrieve your Money from the Bank of Law."

[OOC: Standard assembly stuff. Threads for speakers are marked, please don't comment in those threads until the speaker has, speakers should also ping into the Q&A thread.]

Comments

Re: Speaker 2: King Gorilla

[joxertehmighty.livejournal.com]

King Gorilla was, in fact, a big talking gorilla. Huge, in fact. He stood on stage wearing a massive set of manacles, and a sleeveless orange jumpsuit, very clearly marking him as an incarcerated criminal. He grumbled a little before taking a deep breath, then he spoke.

"I got an entire spiel practiced, so nobody interrupt me, okay?" He rubbed the back of his head with a massive paw.

"Hi, I'm King Gorilla. You might recognize me from my time on The Surreal Life. I thought I had it all, at one time. Crime had given me everything I wanted. All the nubile Tarzans I could ever want, regular amounts of mindless violence, a steady paycheck, it was all goin' good, right? I even joined up with the Guild of Calamitous Intent. The finest group of villains the world has ever known."

He then snort-laughed.

"Yeah, finest bunch of backstabbers, more like. I make one mistake, break one part of the code of conduct, and bam, look at me. I'm in jail for the rest of my life, they ain't planning on springing me, hell, they didn't even stop me from getting convicted. All because I eviscerated and sodomized Vince Neill on national television. Was that really so bad? Was it?"

He was getting visibly angry.

"So guess what, kids? Crime leads to jail, and jail isn't as fun as you'd think. Sure, I get my terrarium full of Tarzans, but it's not like you can really make friends in there. And hell, you know how many people in prison are built like girls? It's ridiculous. I hit the showers, and... I'm not supposed to be talking about this." King Gorilla took another deep breath.

"So my recommendations to you is simple. Crime leads to crap. I ain't reformed or anything like that. If I could break out I'd be back to what I used to do in the blink of an eye. But I've seen too many people screwed over by the Guild to let you impressionable kids walk into the same trap. You don't want to end up like White Noise or Mister Monday. I think I heard the Guild had them sprung from prison... then shot."

He snorted.

"I was going to have a presentation of 'This is your ass, This is your ass in prison, any questions?'. But it was deemed 'too graphic' for you kids. Just know this: It's gonna hurt. A lot. And that? Is my spiel."