Ash's Art Appreciations, Lecture #9

[names-ash.livejournal.com]

Ash paces back and forth in front of the classroom, until he's satisfied with the number of students in the seats. He then stops pacing, opens a book, and begins reading.

He's reading "Green Eggs and Hamelt".

When he is finished, he shuts the book and asks the questions for discussion.

"Alright knuckleheads. Say you were making a still-life painting of eggs and ham, and you decided to paint the eggs green. Here are your questions:

One, would Dr. Seuss sue you?

Two, Would it be art?

Three, Would it taste good?

Four, Would you paint it on a boat?

Five, Would you paint it with a goat?

Six, Why does my TA get naked for other people?

Seven, What would Brian Boitano Do?

Eight, Who's on First?

Nine, What is the Airspeed Velocity of an Unladen Swallow?

Ten, Why are there so many songs about rainbows?

Eleven, Why do I keep dreaming of Leonardo Da Vinci coming back to life and beating me to death with an easel?

Twelve, What did you think of the book?


Alright, discuss!

Comments

[psycho-barbie.livejournal.com]

Callisto pretends to be invisible, after question six, she pretends to be invisible and not blushing.

[positive-angel.livejournal.com]

One, would Dr. Seuss sue you?

Unless he comes back from the dead? No. His family might.

Two, Would it be art?

What does the National Academy of the Arts say these days?

Three, Would it taste good?

Green eggs? I'm not going to find out.

Four, Would you paint it on a boat?

If I was paid, I suppose I would.

Five, Would you paint it with a goat?

If the goat asked...

Six, Why does my TA get naked for other people?

Coach...we should probably talk.

Seven, What would Brian Boitano Do?

If he was here right now,
He'd make a plan
And he'd follow through,
That's what Brian Boitano'd do. (http://home.usadatanet.net/~paruby/06_boitano.htm)

Eight, Who's on First?

Yes.

Nine, What is the Airspeed Velocity of an Unladen Swallow?

African or European? (That was just too easy...)

Ten, Why are there so many songs about rainbows?

...and what's on the other side?

Eleven, Why do I keep dreaming of Leonardo Da Vinci coming back to life and beating me to death with an easel?

Coach...we really really should talk...

Twelve, What did you think of the book?

You wrote a book?

[courier-gavin.livejournal.com]

Jake stared at him, sipped his coffee and then shrugged. "1. No. 2. Yes. 3. ...I guess that depends on the paint? 4. No. Dad would surely protest. 5. Not unless it was a very still goat. 6. ...I dunno. Ask Cal. 7. ..I dunno on that either." He fell silent, thinking through the list again. "And I think you should take the Da Vinci dream as a warning. Like, a premonition or something."

[persian-eunuch.livejournal.com]

*is confused at the questions as usual*

*looks up "Brian Boitano" in his history book*

[names-ash.livejournal.com]

Ash cannot see the invisible. However, Callisto is only pretending to be invisible, and Ash doesn't have the type of imagination to believe that.

"Hey, TA? Next time you get a game of cards goin', let me know, alright?" He adds a wink, because he's dirty dirty like that.

[names-ash.livejournal.com]

Ash waves "Green Eggs and Ham" at Chihaya.

"This book. I don't write books. I have enough trouble writing sentences."

[names-ash.livejournal.com]

"Premonition? Like, a vision of things to come?"

[courier-gavin.livejournal.com]

Jake nodded solemnly. "U-huh. This is Fandom. It could totally happen."

[psycho-barbie.livejournal.com]

Callisto sinks lower in her seat, and starts writing out her answers, since she has mysteriously lost the ability to form coherent sentences.

1. He's dead, so no.

2. It'd be surrealist art.

3. No, it's a painting, canvas is not food.

4. Why would you paint eggs onto a boat?

5. omgdirty No.

6. *scribble through what looks like some very rude phrases*

7. I'm sure he'd kick your an ass or two.

8. That's good to know.

9. Right...

10. There are?

11. Because you're a psychic ninja who can see the future you are insecure about your ability to teach art.

12. Good for throwing.

[names-ash.livejournal.com]

Ash jerks his head to look over his shoulder, then turns back to Jake.

"Good point. Never know." He nods and quickly backs up against the wall, so he can keep an eye out for the supposedly inevitable Leonardo Da Zombie which is coming to kill him.

[oatmanspatient.livejournal.com]

One: Isn't he dead? Not that it matters around here. Aigh! Suess Zombie! It's rhyming and trying to eat my brain
Two: Let's leave Garfunkel out of this.
Three: I've never eaten paint and canvas. Is this a class requirement?
Four: I would not paint it here or nor there.
Five: I would not paint it anywhere.
Six: Perhaps you should try getting her drunk.
Seven: A triple sow-cow in tight pants
Eight: What?
Nine: An African or European swallow?
Ten: A more important question is "What's on the other side?"
Eleven: Somebody's been watching "What's eating Gilbert Grape?" too much.
Twelve:
When I first heard the reading selection I was afraid that the limitations Dr. Seuss put upon himself might have shackled his marvelous inventiveness. Quite the contrary. Restricting his vocabularyand shortening the verse story has given a certain riotous unity that is pleasing

[krycek-rat.livejournal.com]

Moving carefully, as if maybe somewhat sore, Krycek sits down. He's wearing a suspiciously familiar fez.

"One, I'm pretty sure Mr. Geisel died. His eggs are likely pretty green by now and he doesn't care about yours.

Two-" He shrugs.

"Three, profit. ...Actually, I think food coloring might work better if you intend to eat it.

Four, maybe.

Five, why not? Animal paintings sell.

Six, because you're a chauvinistic ne'er-do-well who's probably old enough to be her father.

Seven, skate.

Eight, yes.

Nine, to belabor the point, African or European?

Ten, because that's part of what rainbows do.

Eleven, see Jake's answer.

Twelve, it could have used salt."

[names-ash.livejournal.com]

If Ash had been paying attention to anything other than the fez and his fears of Leonardo Da Zombie, Krycek would probably be getting some strange and angry reactions.

Instead, Ash runs over and attempts to grab his fez back.

[krycek-rat.livejournal.com]

"HEY!" Krycek claps his hands on top of the fez to hold it on, jumping off of his chair with surprising alacrity. "Sir, what do you think you're doing!?"

[names-ash.livejournal.com]

Ash stares for a second, and then points at the fez.

"That's mine, screwhead. I'd know it anywhere."

[krycek-rat.livejournal.com]

"I won it fair and square in open combat!" Krycek winces a little at muscles pulled in the sudden evasive action. He does not mention that open combat apparently included a miniature car and a profound sense of disturbance regarding art class in general.

[lisacuddy.livejournal.com]

One, My parents have a lawyer on retainer. Let's see him try.

Two, Sure, why not?

Three, Ham isn't exactly kosher.

Four, No

Five, Is that legal? This isn't New Zealand.

Six, Because she's stacked.

Seven, He would definitely kick an ass or two.

Eight, I hope you mean baseball.

Nine, I hope you mean a bird.

Ten, Because it's always raining.

Eleven, It's probably a sexual thing.

Twelve, The corners are very pointy. These are childrens books, shouldn't they be made of cloth or something?

[likeguidelines.livejournal.com]

Barbossa stared at Coach Ash for a long moment before answering the questions three twelve.

One, would Dr. Seuss sue you?
I can't see why the doctor would be carin' what color we be paintin' our eggs. I be not like he be the first one t'come up with the idea o' green eggs. Unless he be one of those humorless Puritan-types. In which case, he kin suck on the eggs.

Two, Would it be art?
If I be learnin' anythin' in this class, it be that more things be art than I be thinkin'. This be probably art, too.

Three, Would it taste good?
Painted food? Not as good as ye'd think. Shipwreck, deserted island, lots of paintings. Um, mayhaps I should be leavin' it thar.

Four, Would you paint it on a boat?
O'course. Thar be very few things that I be not willin' t'try on a boat.

Five, Would you paint it with a goat?
As long as the goat be not givin' his opinion about the way I be holdin' me brush or other manner of irritatin' behavior, sure.

Six, Why does my TA get naked for other people?
She be a kind 'n generous wench.

Seven, What would Brian Boitano Do?
I be not knowin' the man, but if he be havin' somethin' to do wit' why yer TA be gettin' nekkid, I can imagine what may be comin' next.

Eight, Who's on First?
I be not knowin', but I have the feelin' this might be leadin' to all manner of circuitous comments.

Nine, What is the Airspeed Velocity of an Unladen Swallow?
Be it under its own speed or bein' shot from a cannon?

Ten, Why are there so many songs about rainbows?
I be more interested in findin' out what be on the other side, meself.

Eleven, Why do I keep dreaming of Leonardo Da Vinci coming back to life and beating me to death with an easel?
I don't think I be fully qualified t' answer such a personal-type question.

Twelve, What did you think of the book?
I be laughin', I be cryin', I be findin' it better than Cats.

[12parseckessel.livejournal.com]

Han, sitting barely armslength from bagoas, and watching him like he might crumble away to nothingness at any second, hazards his answers:

1) Probably not. After all, Granddad's sterkls laid grren eggs
2) the way I paint, probably not
3) No
4) Sure, on a boat my people invented boats
5) What's a goat?
6) because Callisto is a lovely girl with good taste
7) Who?
8) Where's that?
9) Probably the same as for most birds its size
10) Because stars, rainbows, sunsets, moons and othe such are what popular songwriters make a living on.
11) Just don't do it in the lounge. Blood doesn't come off the deckplating too well.
12) Too long. Coulda cut most of it starting from the train bit.

[stykera]

Stark, as usual, is confused by this class, but he attempts answers anyway.

1)No
2)if I say it is
3)definitely not
4)probably not
5)goats do not make good paintbrushes
6)...
7)Who?
8)Where?
9)I don't know
10)Because they're pretty?
11)You eat strange things before bed?
12)Rhyming is entertaining

[master-of-fear.livejournal.com]

((8. Third Base!))

[names-ash.livejournal.com]

"Open... Combat." Ash stares for a few seconds, and then points a finger in Krycek's face.

"You win this round, kid. But once I'm done with that Da Vinci Zombie? Your ass is mine."

[aka-vala.livejournal.com]

One, would Dr. Seuss sue you?

Why? I haven't done anything! Honestly!

Two, Would it be art?

That would be entirely in the eye of the teacher beholder, sir.

Three, Would it taste good?

Unless you're into the taste of paper and tempura, uh, no.

Four, Would you paint it on a boat?

Is this part of the assignment?

Five, Would you paint it with a goat?

Is this going to be on the test?

Six, Why does my TA get naked for other people?

Because they're not you? I have no idea.

Seven, What would Brian Boitano Do?

He would, of course, chuck as much wood as a wood-Canuck could... which I imagine wouldn't be very much really.

Eight, Who's on First?

Don't you think that's a rather personal question you should be asking her? I certainly don't know.

Nine, What is the Airspeed Velocity of an Unladen Swallow?

Dude! You time swallows?!? Uh, I guess it depends on what's in your mouth at the time...

Ten, Why are there so many songs about rainbows?

Gremlin bites *nods knowingly*

Eleven, Why do I keep dreaming of Leonardo Da Vinci coming back to life and beating me to death with an easel?

Because only in dreams can true justice and righteousness reign over the earth? Uh, maybe you ate the green eggs before bed?

Twelve, What did you think of the book?

Uh, it was short?