fandomhigh | The Library; Monday [ 10/20 ]

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The Library; Monday [ 10/20 ]

Cal realized that he could only convince himself that he wasn't really nervous for so long. All his efforts came crashing down when he managed to spill his coffee all over the desk and, in the scramble to clean it up, hit his head soundly from underneath, and then fell backwards only to smack his head against the wall as well.

And then, when he sat down, the chair fell out from underneath him.

Actually, once he finally did manage to sit down, button up his jacket in hopes to cover most of the coffee stain, and then cleaned up the desk, he told himself that maybe it wasn't nervousness after all at all! Fandom Weirdness! That had to be it! It was just Fandom giving him a bad, bad...really bad morning...

He let out a little groan, knowing he couldn't just hide under the desk, and waited for the oppression of his fate to just weigh him down completely and crush him.

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"So..."

There was a long pause.

"How's the weather out there?"

"Coldish," she said, eyeing him more now, "and I'm fine, slept well, classes should be going good, work is the same as always, and all that stuff."

Edited 2008-10-20 14:07 (UTC)

Oh, she thought she had him there, didn't she, covering all the topics of any small talk he could use to hold off the inevitable.

"And," he offered, "your training with Fanbutt?"

That could buy him at least a little more.

"That falls under 'all that stuff'," Ino said, almost amused by that. "It's going... okay."

"Only okay?"

Like he wasn't going to seize the chance to milk it for whatever he could.

"It's going fine," she said, edging towards exasperated. "And no, I don't feel like going into details just 'cause you don't want to talk."

"But I do want to talk!" Cal said, with a tone of light insistence. "That's why I asked!"

He just didn't want to talk about what Ino knew he was going to talk about.

"No," she said, trying to keep from snapping, "you wanted me to come in so we could talk about something that needed honesty and reasonable discussion. If I wanted to tell you about my week I'd have waited 'til I could bug you at work and get food out of it as well."

With another bite of her muffin.

Cal sucked in a breath. "Fine, fine," he said. "You're right. Honest. To the point. Blah blah blah. Still wouldn't kill you to at least spend a bit of time with me..."

He stood up from his chair, sighing again, and started heading around the desk. "Come on. Let's at least get it over with. For all I know, it might all be in my head and you won't even blink a damn eye like Fanbutt."

"Cal," she said, and this time less snappish, "I do like spending time with you. But not when you're obviously avoiding the subject."

...

"...you told Temari-san." Blankly. Give her a few seconds, she needed to process that.

It was only then that Cal realized exactly what he had said, and he winced. He cocked his head toward the direction they were going, into the bookshelves. "I didn't tell," he said, "her anything. She figured it out her own damn self, with a big fat whopping load of help from Fandom Weirdness."

To that, he threw a big middle finger at...whatever part of the island would graciously receive it. Thanks a lot, Island.

She got up, almost mechanically. "But she knew before me."

And that, well, that hurt.

A lot.

And Cal wasn't so dense that he couldn't sense the hurt in Ino's voice. He did, however, know that there wasn't anything he could do about it. Really, he shouldn't have said anything at all in the first place, so, as if that could help anything, he didn't say anything more now, just drifting forward into the right section of the library, hands in his pockets.

"It's not easy for me, you know," he finally said, quietly. "Having anyone know."

She shrugged, a bit irritably, still out of sorts that once again she was the last one everyone's list.

"Then don't," she said, staring at her feet. "You said you would, back out of it. Tell me to fuck off. If it's so freakin' bad, then don't. But you told Amber, and Temari-san found out, and I like to think I'm somewhat important to you as a friend and... I don't think, knowing that I come last, and that you can't tell me, that I could keep being your friend. I'd pry, I'd push, I'd spy. You'd end up hating me, if I stayed."

"I want to know. If you don't, then tell me to piss off and I'll stop talking to you."

Edited 2008-10-20 21:00 (UTC)

To that, after a moment's pause as if letting all of Ino's words settle in, Cal had only one thing to say, "I asked you here, didn't I?"

Besides, she wasn't the last to know. Not by a longshot.

"You did," she said, looking up at him. "But the way you're acting... doesn't sound like you want to let me know."

"Because a guy totally has to be completely black and white on topics," Cal muttered. "We said we were going to start being more honest with each other, right? Maybe I don't really want you to know if you don't have to, but then I'm not being honest."

It took her a few moments to decipher that.

"...so you do want me to know, at least a little? Or do I have to know?" She shrugged a bit. "And I never said anything 'bout black and white, just that--if you've made up your mind to do something, then quit wavering 'cause then I don't know what you want."

"Ino," Cal stated, stopping abruptly in the middle of the aisle of a shelf and turning around to look at her, "I don't know what I want. How can you be expected to know that?"

It was, however, a rhetorical question, so he didn't wait for her to come up with an answer before reaching for one of the books. He knew its placement almost by memory now, could probably find it blindfolded. Out-dated and old, the copy of Genetics and Heredity probably never even saw the light of day until Cal started going to this school. He slid it from the other books and handed it to Ino, but, in his hesitation, in his sudden, mind-lurching doubt about making a mistake, held onto the book a moment longer, as well.

"I'm going to show you something in the book," he said, "that can't be taken back. Once it's there, it's there, and you not only have to keep it secret but it might change what you think about me for good. It might be something that you'll end up wishing I'd just kept to myself, that you might not actually want to know..."

Ino stared at the book, at the title, and gently tried to tug it away from him.

"Your article," she said, "said something 'bout a genetic disease?"

Cal, despite an urge to hold on for dear life, let Ino have the book easily, and he nodded.

"Chapter sixteen," he said quietly, words barely registering above a whisper as his eyes trained on the book and no where near Ino's face. He nodded, again, toward it. "Page 578."

Upon which Ino would find a relatively erroneous (some details proved wrong by the course of science and time) study on genetic disorders of the reproductive system, especially hermaphrodites, including a picture on one of the pages, a young, naked figure standing beside a height chart, eyes blacked out with a bar, but malformed genitalia right there, front and center, for the world to see, even with helpful little captions and arrows.

Cal, knowing what she'd find there, just turned his head, staring at a spot on the floor as if that could be enough to make himself just disappear for a bit, the same way he stared at the ceiling when that photo was taken.

Ino couldn't help but think that this was rather awkward just standing in the aisle, but she wasn't going to mock that when he was being all... weird and quiet and not looking at her.

She glanced down at the book, studying the cover for a moment, before flipping it open, carefully, to the chapter he'd specified. She read it slowly, eyebrows drawing close as she did, and turned over the terminology in her head. Easier to understand after studying medicine for months, but even still, hermaphrodites weren't exactly covered under 'How To Heal Flesh Wounds 101'.

The picture though made her pause, blink, and glance sideways at him. "...huh."

"Yeah," he muttered, hunching his shoulders, and reaching for the book. No need to prolong the point now that she'd seen it, right? "I was one of the most developed cases at that time; still am, actually. There's a whole article devoted to me specifically in a '75 Journal of Pediatric Endocrinology, too."

He was going to have to pry that book out of her cold dead hands if he wanted it right this second. She wasn't finished reading the chapter!

Thinking too hard was bad right now, so Ino was going to avoid it. Or, well, try. Ino wasn't always so good at avoiding it.

"...do we have that too?" she asked, contemplating taking a step back in case he tried to grab the book from her, but not wanting to, she didn't know why. It felt wrong to do that. This all felt wrong.

"Yeah," Cal said; he realized that Ino wouldn't release the book, but neither would he. He didn't try to take it; it was like he was simply trying to hold on to that one little part of him as much as possible. "This library has freaking everything."

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