fandomhigh | The Library; Monday [ 10/20 ]

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The Library; Monday [ 10/20 ]

Cal realized that he could only convince himself that he wasn't really nervous for so long. All his efforts came crashing down when he managed to spill his coffee all over the desk and, in the scramble to clean it up, hit his head soundly from underneath, and then fell backwards only to smack his head against the wall as well.

And then, when he sat down, the chair fell out from underneath him.

Actually, once he finally did manage to sit down, button up his jacket in hopes to cover most of the coffee stain, and then cleaned up the desk, he told himself that maybe it wasn't nervousness after all at all! Fandom Weirdness! That had to be it! It was just Fandom giving him a bad, bad...really bad morning...

He let out a little groan, knowing he couldn't just hide under the desk, and waited for the oppression of his fate to just weigh him down completely and crush him.

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To that, after a moment's pause as if letting all of Ino's words settle in, Cal had only one thing to say, "I asked you here, didn't I?"

Besides, she wasn't the last to know. Not by a longshot.

"You did," she said, looking up at him. "But the way you're acting... doesn't sound like you want to let me know."

"Because a guy totally has to be completely black and white on topics," Cal muttered. "We said we were going to start being more honest with each other, right? Maybe I don't really want you to know if you don't have to, but then I'm not being honest."

It took her a few moments to decipher that.

"...so you do want me to know, at least a little? Or do I have to know?" She shrugged a bit. "And I never said anything 'bout black and white, just that--if you've made up your mind to do something, then quit wavering 'cause then I don't know what you want."

"Ino," Cal stated, stopping abruptly in the middle of the aisle of a shelf and turning around to look at her, "I don't know what I want. How can you be expected to know that?"

It was, however, a rhetorical question, so he didn't wait for her to come up with an answer before reaching for one of the books. He knew its placement almost by memory now, could probably find it blindfolded. Out-dated and old, the copy of Genetics and Heredity probably never even saw the light of day until Cal started going to this school. He slid it from the other books and handed it to Ino, but, in his hesitation, in his sudden, mind-lurching doubt about making a mistake, held onto the book a moment longer, as well.

"I'm going to show you something in the book," he said, "that can't be taken back. Once it's there, it's there, and you not only have to keep it secret but it might change what you think about me for good. It might be something that you'll end up wishing I'd just kept to myself, that you might not actually want to know..."

Ino stared at the book, at the title, and gently tried to tug it away from him.

"Your article," she said, "said something 'bout a genetic disease?"

Cal, despite an urge to hold on for dear life, let Ino have the book easily, and he nodded.

"Chapter sixteen," he said quietly, words barely registering above a whisper as his eyes trained on the book and no where near Ino's face. He nodded, again, toward it. "Page 578."

Upon which Ino would find a relatively erroneous (some details proved wrong by the course of science and time) study on genetic disorders of the reproductive system, especially hermaphrodites, including a picture on one of the pages, a young, naked figure standing beside a height chart, eyes blacked out with a bar, but malformed genitalia right there, front and center, for the world to see, even with helpful little captions and arrows.

Cal, knowing what she'd find there, just turned his head, staring at a spot on the floor as if that could be enough to make himself just disappear for a bit, the same way he stared at the ceiling when that photo was taken.

Ino couldn't help but think that this was rather awkward just standing in the aisle, but she wasn't going to mock that when he was being all... weird and quiet and not looking at her.

She glanced down at the book, studying the cover for a moment, before flipping it open, carefully, to the chapter he'd specified. She read it slowly, eyebrows drawing close as she did, and turned over the terminology in her head. Easier to understand after studying medicine for months, but even still, hermaphrodites weren't exactly covered under 'How To Heal Flesh Wounds 101'.

The picture though made her pause, blink, and glance sideways at him. "...huh."

"Yeah," he muttered, hunching his shoulders, and reaching for the book. No need to prolong the point now that she'd seen it, right? "I was one of the most developed cases at that time; still am, actually. There's a whole article devoted to me specifically in a '75 Journal of Pediatric Endocrinology, too."

He was going to have to pry that book out of her cold dead hands if he wanted it right this second. She wasn't finished reading the chapter!

Thinking too hard was bad right now, so Ino was going to avoid it. Or, well, try. Ino wasn't always so good at avoiding it.

"...do we have that too?" she asked, contemplating taking a step back in case he tried to grab the book from her, but not wanting to, she didn't know why. It felt wrong to do that. This all felt wrong.

"Yeah," Cal said; he realized that Ino wouldn't release the book, but neither would he. He didn't try to take it; it was like he was simply trying to hold on to that one little part of him as much as possible. "This library has freaking everything."

Ino eyed the hand on the book. Easiest thing to focus on!

"Well," she said inanely, "all different universes, you kno."

"Right."

What else could he say, really? Cal's attention shifted toward his hand, as well, and, realizing that it wasn't really doing anything, he dropped it to his side. And then, awkwardly, it repositioned, toward the back of his neck, rubbing it, just to have something to do. Anything to focus on.

"So... this... was your deep, awful secret?" Ino was sticking on blank here. Blank was nice and shiny.

With a vague sort of motion with her hand to indicate what 'this' was.

"You almost make it sound like you expected for me to tell you that I killed some guy or something."

Which, technically, this had killed someone; he sucked in a slight breath, let it out slowly as a sigh.

"Well," she said, glancing down at the book, "considering this world's standards that's a bit more expected really."

"I didn't know," Cal found himself adding it quickly, as if afraid that if he didn't get it all out now, he'd lose his chance of ever having Ino understand, "until just two years ago. Up until then, everyone...my parents, my doctor, myself...thought I was a girl. My birth certificate lists me as a girl. Calliope Helen Stephanides, born January 15, 1960. Sex: Female."

"Cal..." though she wasn't talking to him, rather she was thinking about a conversation where he'd said that no, he didn't want to tell her his full name.

That got a bit of a thoughtful frown. "How do doctors miss something like that?"

"Doctor," Cal corrected. "Just one. Dr. Philobosian was my family's doctor since my grandparents hopped a boat over to America from Turkey in the twenties. By the time I came around in the sixties, he was getting pretty old. Poor eyesight, unsteady hands, and he was having a fling with his nurse, which made for some very..." He drew in a breath. "Well-placed distractions when it came time for all the technicalities. And it's easy to miss if you're not paying any attention."

...

Ino was just going to gape at the lack of professional pride on the doctor's behalf.

On the job meant on the job. Geez.

"So, um, how'd you find out then?" If you were a girl...?

"Got hit by a tractor," Cal shrugged, wondering if there was any other way to explain this that could be more oblique. "Knocked unconscious and rushed to a proper hospital. It was there that they noticed it."

Ow.

"Okay," she said, tilting her head at him. "I don't know what to say."

"Than don't say anything," Cal said, wincing a little into his frown. It was slightly desperate, and all confused, and his eyes finally shifted over toward Ino. He wanted to see what her face was saying, but, at the same time, he didn't. He really didn't. "You said you wanted us to be more honest with each other, and, well...this right here...this...disorder I have, that's the crux of everything that I am, Ino. Why I'm so distant and why I don't like people near me, why I don't let people near me. I just...I just want to be normal, but I...can't. Ever. Not without a massive amount of surgery and hormone injections and therapy and basically obliterating who I am."

Ino was... pretty much stuck on blank with a side of bewildered. What she felt wasn't anything definable right that second.

"You were Calliope," she said slowly, making sure she got this right, "and now you're Cal. One was a girl, the other a boy, but you're still physically... both? Sort of?"

She paused, wishing she'd brought her hot chocolate with her to have something to do with her hands other than that. "What do you think normal is?"

"I was Calliope," Cal nodded, because she'd gotten that part right, "and now I'm Cal. One was thought to be a girl, but I'm actually male. I've always been male. My chromosomes are distinctly XY. It's just that there's a mutation on one of them that made it so that neither male or female parts developed all the way, so, yes, I have elements of both. I mean, if you get right down to it, all a penis is is an enlarged and further developed clitoris..."

God, it felt weird saying words like that to Ino. Cal's face started to burn a little red, and he found himself unable to look at her again.

"And asking what's normal's a pretty loaded question. Having both parts, though, is not. By any definition."

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Re: First Period -- 10/20. -- NFB now plz!

Re: First Period -- 10/20. -- NFB now plz!

Re: First Period -- 10/20. -- NFB now plz!

Re: First Period -- 10/20. -- NFB now plz!

Re: First Period -- 10/20. -- NFB now plz!

Re: First Period -- 10/20. -- NFB now plz!

Re: First Period -- 10/20. -- NFB now plz!

Re: First Period -- 10/20. -- NFB now plz!

Re: First Period -- 10/20. -- NFB now plz!

Re: First Period -- 10/20. -- NFB now plz!

Re: First Period -- 10/20. -- NFB now plz!

Re: First Period -- 10/20. -- NFB now plz!

Re: First Period -- 10/20. -- NFB now plz!

Re: First Period -- 10/20. -- NFB now plz!

Re: First Period -- 10/20. -- NFB now plz!

Re: First Period -- 10/20. -- NFB now plz!