fandomhigh | The Library; Monday [ 10/20 ]

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The Library; Monday [ 10/20 ]

Cal realized that he could only convince himself that he wasn't really nervous for so long. All his efforts came crashing down when he managed to spill his coffee all over the desk and, in the scramble to clean it up, hit his head soundly from underneath, and then fell backwards only to smack his head against the wall as well.

And then, when he sat down, the chair fell out from underneath him.

Actually, once he finally did manage to sit down, button up his jacket in hopes to cover most of the coffee stain, and then cleaned up the desk, he told himself that maybe it wasn't nervousness after all at all! Fandom Weirdness! That had to be it! It was just Fandom giving him a bad, bad...really bad morning...

He let out a little groan, knowing he couldn't just hide under the desk, and waited for the oppression of his fate to just weigh him down completely and crush him.

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"I didn't say it ought to be easy for you!" she snapped, taking refuge in anger, because it was easy right now. "I mean, shit, this world is fucked up all your stupid regulations and rules and crap and adults going oh, hey, kids that age can't have weapons, but kids this age can, and people who want 'em are going to get them anyway 'cause there's always a way, you know? People figure it out, get 'em themselves and wind up shooting people 'cause no one bothered to tell them 'hey, that gun ain't got the safety on and it should'."

Um.

She took a deep breath and dragged herself back on topic. "In your world maybe you're a freak, maybe you didn't know who you were, but you've been here and this ain't precisely your world either and people 'round here aren't the people who called you that. I don't get it, I don't understand your... genetic issues, but you're still freakin' Cal. Nothing was right for you, but nothing still seems to be right for you 'cause you're all wrapped up in one fact and maybe it's a big one, but that's not all you are, yeah? Bet you were still a sarcastic, deadpan, sometimes jerk when everyone thought you were a girl too. Bet you still drank that soda stuff you've got on special nearly every week too. Bet you still had the tendency to think too much and not do enough 'bout it. Too brood and think and work yourself up when no one else spends as much time thinking 'bout it as you do."

"All of that is Cal," she said, not even sure what her point was, but feeling like it was important to say somehow, "and I bet all of that was Calliope too."

"Yeah, well," Cal said, realizing that he was actually trying to fight down a smile at the end of that so he could settle a deadpan look at Ino, "you're right, and that's what I'm doing now, so deal with it."

Actually, part of him just wanted to hug Ino at that moment, but he knew that would distinctly not be Cal, or Calliope, or anyone in between, so he didn't. He just looked at her for a moment, instead, wanting also to ask if what she was saying, at way too much length, was that it didn't really matter, but he didn't, because he wasn't sure which answer he was more afraid of.

"I just wanted to be honest with you about it, Ino. That's all."

It mattered, and it didn't, but it was all jumbled up in her head and he was just going to have to deal with way too many words if he wanted any answers to any questions at all.

"Good," she said instead. "'Cause I really didn't want to stop talkin' to you."

"I don't know," Cal muttered, although lightly, "after that, I think you did enough talking to last you..." He paused, as if thinking of an appropriate time frame.

"...til the end of the hour."

"And," she said, with a bit of an edge to her voice, "I thought it needed to be said."

Some of it, at least.

"Of course you did," Cal said, with a nod. Ino seemed to think that everything needed to be said, although, with this one, maybe he did kind of agree.

He sighed, taking a moment to run a hand through his hair, rubbing his scalp a little, since his head was kind of aching from all this. It hadn't been a disaster, though, that was something, but who knew where she'd stand after she'd had time to think about it?

"So, yeah, just...don't tell anyone. Not that I think you would, but I still have trouble thinking about the fact that three people already do now. When I started here, I told myself I'd never get that close to anyone, but, Jesus, you guys are pushy."

"I won't tell." Bizarrely enough, Ino could keep a secret.

"Don't know 'bout Amber," with a bit of scorn there, "and I might not be much of a ninja compared to Temari-san, but I do know that you don't get anything you want 'less you fight for it."

Cal...so did not want even think about how Fanbutt found out. But the slight tone of scorn did rub on him a little bit in the wrong way. "Ino," he said, "to be fair, Amber didn't exactly know what she was getting into when she found out."

"Cal," she said, mimicking his tone of voice, "I've got more reasons than you to dislike her. I don't got to give a damn about her either was 'cept for the way she affects two of my favourite people in rather significant ways."

There was a slight pause, where Cal's expression seemed to soften a little, and, with a faint smile, he asked, "I'm one of your favorite people?"

Another beat, and the smile took on a more distant effect.

"Or is there someone else besides Liir I've got to worry about her kissing?"

"I wouldn't know," she said crisply. "Only reason I caught up with her kissin' Liir was 'cause I wanted to hear 'bout the whole weekend."

And that was the faintest hint of a blush. "Don't be an idiot," Ino said grumpily, "'course you are."

"You don't...think any of...this," Cal gave a vague gesture around to indicate the information he'd offered, "is going to change that?"

"I don't know," she said bluntly, honestly. "But my list is small, and not so easy to get on. And it's not so easy to get off of either. I'm crap, worse than that even, at letting people go. I don't know what I'm going to think tomorrow, I don't know what I'm feel even the moment I walk out those doors, I don't know. That's going to have to be good enough."

"That's more than what I can ask for, really..."

"No," she said insistently, "it's not. People can ask for whatever they want, anything. Doesn't mean that you're goin' get anything close to it, but you can always ask."

"Okay, fine, little miss technical," Cal said. "That's all that I can hope for. Or, if you prefer, more than I could expect."

Ino drew in breath to argue that point, then let it out and sighed. "Cal," Ino said, "I don't know who else knew and reacted badly, or whatever, I don't know hardly anything. But if I go weird on you, or decide I don't want to keep talking to you, or even if I get angry at you--I'll tell you to your face. I'm not goin' to avoid you if I'm uncomfortable 'bout it because that's cruel to both people. If I've got a problem, I'll bring it to you."

A hint of an impish smile. "And we'll talk it out, yeah? Reasonably, and honestly."

"That's right," Cal said, eyebrows frowning, "we're trying that, aren't we? That's all really different to me, too, you know. Talking things out...I..."

He sucked in a breath, not sure he should mention it, but reminded himself: reasonably and honestly. He leaned against the bookshelf. "I mean, I haven't even even talk to Amber about...all that stuff yet."

"It's different, but we're, I don't think, we're doing too badly, yeah?"

That bit of news made her tug viciously at her hair. "You goin' to, do you think? Or you just going to brood, and think, and tie yourself in knots?"

"It's not that," Cal said, quietly. "It's just..."

He knew Ino wouldn't approve. He knew Ino would think he was being an absolute idiot. But he also knew that he still wanted to say it to at least someone. There was a good chance that she might not really want to be around him anymore after today, anyway, so, unlike with Amber, he didn't have anything to lose.

He lowered his voice, an ashamed sort of whisper. "There's a good chance I'll never be able to have something like this again. I'm not just going to throw it away because of some insecurities. I've got to enjoy it while I can, you know?"

His head leaned against the books, looking at Ino with a sad, imploring look.

"There's a difference between an insecurity, and being cheated on," she said, levelling him a flinty stare. "Maybe radio's just got it wrong, maybe it's got it right. Maybe she doesn't get how fucking much it hurts people to be cheated on, how much it sucks when shit falls apart 'cause you can't pick one or the other and you mess up everyone's life."

"But I tell you this, I think you deserve better. Maybe you aren't going to get better, I don't know. I can't tell the future. But, you know, staying in a relationship with something ugly like that under the surface? Is only got to get worse."

She licked her lips. "And, I'll admit, I hate cheaters." She'd been one. "And... I don't like it. You... rely on her. Too much. You'd turn yourself into a ball of stress just 'cause she sometimes makes you feel good. What if she kisses someone again? What're you going to do then? Just ignore it? Pretend it's not going to keep happening? If you don't, fuck it, if you don't let her know, she'll think it's okay to do it because you don't care. And if you do let her know, maybe you find out it's just a misunderstanding and that the squirrels are stupid. But, either way, you'd be standing up for yourself. And, I think, with your circumstances standing up for yourself is even more important than most people. You want to be normal, yeah? Going 'hey, I don't like you kissing other guys while you're my girlfriend' is just about as normal as it gets."

Cal was quiet as he listened to Ino telling him all this, but his mind was working the whole time, thinking not only of Amber, but of the Obscure Object, of sleeping with Jerome, of how it spited her and how it inspired Cal to finally move in, the whole ensuing, awful, terrible, wonderful mess...

The concept of simplicity in a relationship, even when explained directly to him, seemed to elude him, and he blinked at Ino.

"It's probably nothing," he said. "And she'll just get upset with me for making a mountain out of an anthill, and then I'll feel bad because, once again, I've proven myself to be absolutely inept at relationships."

"There," she said, "is nothing inept 'bout asking about radio saying that it mentioned her kissing someone else, and you didn't really like that. Nothing. There is nothing wrong with standing up for yourself, and telling someone that, yeah, that makes you uncomfortable. "

"It was noth--"

But Cal knew he didn't feel that way; he knew he felt uncomfortable, although he also knew that Ino was probably goading the emotions out of him. And he was hit hard with a simple phrase that cut him short: reasonably, and honestly.

"Okay, fine," he caved. "I'll talk to her about it. Happy?"

"I'll be happy when you do," she said simply. "Because then you're doing something, and not just thinking 'bout it."

The Library; Monday [ 10/20 ]

Re: First Period -- 10/20. -- NFB now plz!

Re: First Period -- 10/20. -- NFB now plz!

Re: First Period -- 10/20. -- NFB now plz!

Re: First Period -- 10/20. -- NFB now plz!

Re: First Period -- 10/20. -- NFB now plz!

Re: First Period -- 10/20. -- NFB now plz!

Re: First Period -- 10/20. -- NFB now plz!

Re: First Period -- 10/20. -- NFB now plz!

Re: First Period -- 10/20. -- NFB now plz!

Re: First Period -- 10/20. -- NFB now plz!

Re: First Period -- 10/20. -- NFB now plz!

Re: First Period -- 10/20. -- NFB now plz!

Re: First Period -- 10/20. -- NFB now plz!

Re: First Period -- 10/20. -- NFB now plz!

Re: First Period -- 10/20. -- NFB now plz!

Re: First Period -- 10/20. -- NFB now plz!

Re: First Period -- 10/20. -- NFB now plz!

Re: First Period -- 10/20. -- NFB now plz!

Re: First Period -- 10/20. -- NFB now plz!

Re: First Period -- 10/20. -- NFB now plz!

Re: First Period -- 10/20. -- NFB now plz!

Re: First Period -- 10/20. -- NFB now plz!

Re: First Period -- 10/20. -- NFB now plz!

Re: First Period -- 10/20. -- NFB now plz!

Re: First Period -- 10/20. -- NFB now plz!

Re: First Period -- 10/20. -- NFB now plz!

Re: First Period -- 10/20. -- NFB now plz!

Re: First Period -- 10/20. -- NFB now plz!

Re: First Period -- 10/20. -- NFB now plz!