fandomhigh | The Library; Monday [ 10/20 ]

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The Library; Monday [ 10/20 ]

Cal realized that he could only convince himself that he wasn't really nervous for so long. All his efforts came crashing down when he managed to spill his coffee all over the desk and, in the scramble to clean it up, hit his head soundly from underneath, and then fell backwards only to smack his head against the wall as well.

And then, when he sat down, the chair fell out from underneath him.

Actually, once he finally did manage to sit down, button up his jacket in hopes to cover most of the coffee stain, and then cleaned up the desk, he told himself that maybe it wasn't nervousness after all at all! Fandom Weirdness! That had to be it! It was just Fandom giving him a bad, bad...really bad morning...

He let out a little groan, knowing he couldn't just hide under the desk, and waited for the oppression of his fate to just weigh him down completely and crush him.

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"I don't know," she said bluntly, honestly. "But my list is small, and not so easy to get on. And it's not so easy to get off of either. I'm crap, worse than that even, at letting people go. I don't know what I'm going to think tomorrow, I don't know what I'm feel even the moment I walk out those doors, I don't know. That's going to have to be good enough."

"That's more than what I can ask for, really..."

"No," she said insistently, "it's not. People can ask for whatever they want, anything. Doesn't mean that you're goin' get anything close to it, but you can always ask."

"Okay, fine, little miss technical," Cal said. "That's all that I can hope for. Or, if you prefer, more than I could expect."

Ino drew in breath to argue that point, then let it out and sighed. "Cal," Ino said, "I don't know who else knew and reacted badly, or whatever, I don't know hardly anything. But if I go weird on you, or decide I don't want to keep talking to you, or even if I get angry at you--I'll tell you to your face. I'm not goin' to avoid you if I'm uncomfortable 'bout it because that's cruel to both people. If I've got a problem, I'll bring it to you."

A hint of an impish smile. "And we'll talk it out, yeah? Reasonably, and honestly."

"That's right," Cal said, eyebrows frowning, "we're trying that, aren't we? That's all really different to me, too, you know. Talking things out...I..."

He sucked in a breath, not sure he should mention it, but reminded himself: reasonably and honestly. He leaned against the bookshelf. "I mean, I haven't even even talk to Amber about...all that stuff yet."

"It's different, but we're, I don't think, we're doing too badly, yeah?"

That bit of news made her tug viciously at her hair. "You goin' to, do you think? Or you just going to brood, and think, and tie yourself in knots?"

"It's not that," Cal said, quietly. "It's just..."

He knew Ino wouldn't approve. He knew Ino would think he was being an absolute idiot. But he also knew that he still wanted to say it to at least someone. There was a good chance that she might not really want to be around him anymore after today, anyway, so, unlike with Amber, he didn't have anything to lose.

He lowered his voice, an ashamed sort of whisper. "There's a good chance I'll never be able to have something like this again. I'm not just going to throw it away because of some insecurities. I've got to enjoy it while I can, you know?"

His head leaned against the books, looking at Ino with a sad, imploring look.

"There's a difference between an insecurity, and being cheated on," she said, levelling him a flinty stare. "Maybe radio's just got it wrong, maybe it's got it right. Maybe she doesn't get how fucking much it hurts people to be cheated on, how much it sucks when shit falls apart 'cause you can't pick one or the other and you mess up everyone's life."

"But I tell you this, I think you deserve better. Maybe you aren't going to get better, I don't know. I can't tell the future. But, you know, staying in a relationship with something ugly like that under the surface? Is only got to get worse."

She licked her lips. "And, I'll admit, I hate cheaters." She'd been one. "And... I don't like it. You... rely on her. Too much. You'd turn yourself into a ball of stress just 'cause she sometimes makes you feel good. What if she kisses someone again? What're you going to do then? Just ignore it? Pretend it's not going to keep happening? If you don't, fuck it, if you don't let her know, she'll think it's okay to do it because you don't care. And if you do let her know, maybe you find out it's just a misunderstanding and that the squirrels are stupid. But, either way, you'd be standing up for yourself. And, I think, with your circumstances standing up for yourself is even more important than most people. You want to be normal, yeah? Going 'hey, I don't like you kissing other guys while you're my girlfriend' is just about as normal as it gets."

Cal was quiet as he listened to Ino telling him all this, but his mind was working the whole time, thinking not only of Amber, but of the Obscure Object, of sleeping with Jerome, of how it spited her and how it inspired Cal to finally move in, the whole ensuing, awful, terrible, wonderful mess...

The concept of simplicity in a relationship, even when explained directly to him, seemed to elude him, and he blinked at Ino.

"It's probably nothing," he said. "And she'll just get upset with me for making a mountain out of an anthill, and then I'll feel bad because, once again, I've proven myself to be absolutely inept at relationships."

"There," she said, "is nothing inept 'bout asking about radio saying that it mentioned her kissing someone else, and you didn't really like that. Nothing. There is nothing wrong with standing up for yourself, and telling someone that, yeah, that makes you uncomfortable. "

"It was noth--"

But Cal knew he didn't feel that way; he knew he felt uncomfortable, although he also knew that Ino was probably goading the emotions out of him. And he was hit hard with a simple phrase that cut him short: reasonably, and honestly.

"Okay, fine," he caved. "I'll talk to her about it. Happy?"

"I'll be happy when you do," she said simply. "Because then you're doing something, and not just thinking 'bout it."

"Not all of us are do-ers, you know," Cal said, mostly idly, not wanting to drag it out or anything, but just to say it. "Some of us really are fairly content to just sit and think."

"Are you content?" she asked, one hand resting on her hip. "Happy with tying yourself in knots over things that you wouldn't have to worry 'bout if you got off your ass and went and asked people 'cause then it wouldn't be a worry and you'd know either way how it falls out. Isn't knowing better than not?"

"Not always," Cal said. "And I am content. Most of the time. No one's ever going to be completely happy, Ino. There's nothing wrong with taking happiness where you can get it."

"No one's ever completely happy," Ino said. "And that's 'cause people are so scared of hurting each other's feelings that they don't say what's the matter and then things just fester and boil and then they explode and then people use that as an excuse to go 'oh, see? This is why we don't say anything, it all comes out like that.' But sometimes, with happiness, you've got to go out and drag it back to you."

"And sometimes, that means you've got to step on peoples' feelings."

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The Library; Monday [ 10/20 ]

Re: First Period -- 10/20. -- NFB now plz!

Re: First Period -- 10/20. -- NFB now plz!

Re: First Period -- 10/20. -- NFB now plz!

Re: First Period -- 10/20. -- NFB now plz!

Re: First Period -- 10/20. -- NFB now plz!

Re: First Period -- 10/20. -- NFB now plz!

Re: First Period -- 10/20. -- NFB now plz!

Re: First Period -- 10/20. -- NFB now plz!

Re: First Period -- 10/20. -- NFB now plz!

Re: First Period -- 10/20. -- NFB now plz!

Re: First Period -- 10/20. -- NFB now plz!

Re: First Period -- 10/20. -- NFB now plz!

Re: First Period -- 10/20. -- NFB now plz!

Re: First Period -- 10/20. -- NFB now plz!

Re: First Period -- 10/20. -- NFB now plz!

Re: First Period -- 10/20. -- NFB now plz!

Re: First Period -- 10/20. -- NFB now plz!