fandomhigh | The Library; Monday [ 10/20 ]

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The Library; Monday [ 10/20 ]

Cal realized that he could only convince himself that he wasn't really nervous for so long. All his efforts came crashing down when he managed to spill his coffee all over the desk and, in the scramble to clean it up, hit his head soundly from underneath, and then fell backwards only to smack his head against the wall as well.

And then, when he sat down, the chair fell out from underneath him.

Actually, once he finally did manage to sit down, button up his jacket in hopes to cover most of the coffee stain, and then cleaned up the desk, he told himself that maybe it wasn't nervousness after all at all! Fandom Weirdness! That had to be it! It was just Fandom giving him a bad, bad...really bad morning...

He let out a little groan, knowing he couldn't just hide under the desk, and waited for the oppression of his fate to just weigh him down completely and crush him.

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"I didn't know," Cal found himself adding it quickly, as if afraid that if he didn't get it all out now, he'd lose his chance of ever having Ino understand, "until just two years ago. Up until then, everyone...my parents, my doctor, myself...thought I was a girl. My birth certificate lists me as a girl. Calliope Helen Stephanides, born January 15, 1960. Sex: Female."

"Cal..." though she wasn't talking to him, rather she was thinking about a conversation where he'd said that no, he didn't want to tell her his full name.

That got a bit of a thoughtful frown. "How do doctors miss something like that?"

"Doctor," Cal corrected. "Just one. Dr. Philobosian was my family's doctor since my grandparents hopped a boat over to America from Turkey in the twenties. By the time I came around in the sixties, he was getting pretty old. Poor eyesight, unsteady hands, and he was having a fling with his nurse, which made for some very..." He drew in a breath. "Well-placed distractions when it came time for all the technicalities. And it's easy to miss if you're not paying any attention."

...

Ino was just going to gape at the lack of professional pride on the doctor's behalf.

On the job meant on the job. Geez.

"So, um, how'd you find out then?" If you were a girl...?

"Got hit by a tractor," Cal shrugged, wondering if there was any other way to explain this that could be more oblique. "Knocked unconscious and rushed to a proper hospital. It was there that they noticed it."

Ow.

"Okay," she said, tilting her head at him. "I don't know what to say."

"Than don't say anything," Cal said, wincing a little into his frown. It was slightly desperate, and all confused, and his eyes finally shifted over toward Ino. He wanted to see what her face was saying, but, at the same time, he didn't. He really didn't. "You said you wanted us to be more honest with each other, and, well...this right here...this...disorder I have, that's the crux of everything that I am, Ino. Why I'm so distant and why I don't like people near me, why I don't let people near me. I just...I just want to be normal, but I...can't. Ever. Not without a massive amount of surgery and hormone injections and therapy and basically obliterating who I am."

Ino was... pretty much stuck on blank with a side of bewildered. What she felt wasn't anything definable right that second.

"You were Calliope," she said slowly, making sure she got this right, "and now you're Cal. One was a girl, the other a boy, but you're still physically... both? Sort of?"

She paused, wishing she'd brought her hot chocolate with her to have something to do with her hands other than that. "What do you think normal is?"

"I was Calliope," Cal nodded, because she'd gotten that part right, "and now I'm Cal. One was thought to be a girl, but I'm actually male. I've always been male. My chromosomes are distinctly XY. It's just that there's a mutation on one of them that made it so that neither male or female parts developed all the way, so, yes, I have elements of both. I mean, if you get right down to it, all a penis is is an enlarged and further developed clitoris..."

God, it felt weird saying words like that to Ino. Cal's face started to burn a little red, and he found himself unable to look at her again.

"And asking what's normal's a pretty loaded question. Having both parts, though, is not. By any definition."

"I can possess people with my mind," she said abruptly. "That's in my genetic code. Chances are huge that any kids I have are going to be blonde, blue-eyed, and able to do it. Chouji can enlarge any part of his body, and crush them with it. Same with him. Shikamaru can control shadows, can strangle people with them, can make them move the way he does. Again, it's genetic. Hinata can see through walls, though people, anything solid she can do it, and a touch of her hands can paralyse someone for hours. Sakura's got another almost-personality kicking around in her head. Good girl, and real girl if you want. Uchiha could copy the techniques of other people, no matter how difficult they were, 'cause it was in his blood. There was a boy in the Chuunin Exams that had a body that was so flexible it was like he didn't have bones--it was his genetics that let him do that. Orochimaru has a tongue that he can wrap 'round trees and shit, that's how long it is. Some people have more than one person living in them--as in they can split apart and be two different people in two different bodies, but when they want they're two different people in the same body," Ino babbled now, and couldn't stop it. "And that's all normal in our world. Some of it's weird, but most of it is just 'Oh, hey, hadn't heard of that before. Hope he or she doesn't use it against me.' I've never heard of someone who is, well, like you, but..."

"I'm asking you again; what's normal?"

"But that's your world, Ino," Cal said, after a moment to let that...all of that...settle in his head. "Not mine. Hey, great, if I were in your world, I could be some mighty hermaphroditic crazy bits ninja, but I'm not, and, in my world, I'm a freak. Not to mention the fact that I lived fourteen years of my life knowing that who I was was all wrong, but not knowing why. Okay, fine, what's not normal for you might be completely normal for me, but this is still hard for me."

Edited 2008-10-21 01:52 (UTC)

"I didn't say it ought to be easy for you!" she snapped, taking refuge in anger, because it was easy right now. "I mean, shit, this world is fucked up all your stupid regulations and rules and crap and adults going oh, hey, kids that age can't have weapons, but kids this age can, and people who want 'em are going to get them anyway 'cause there's always a way, you know? People figure it out, get 'em themselves and wind up shooting people 'cause no one bothered to tell them 'hey, that gun ain't got the safety on and it should'."

Um.

She took a deep breath and dragged herself back on topic. "In your world maybe you're a freak, maybe you didn't know who you were, but you've been here and this ain't precisely your world either and people 'round here aren't the people who called you that. I don't get it, I don't understand your... genetic issues, but you're still freakin' Cal. Nothing was right for you, but nothing still seems to be right for you 'cause you're all wrapped up in one fact and maybe it's a big one, but that's not all you are, yeah? Bet you were still a sarcastic, deadpan, sometimes jerk when everyone thought you were a girl too. Bet you still drank that soda stuff you've got on special nearly every week too. Bet you still had the tendency to think too much and not do enough 'bout it. Too brood and think and work yourself up when no one else spends as much time thinking 'bout it as you do."

"All of that is Cal," she said, not even sure what her point was, but feeling like it was important to say somehow, "and I bet all of that was Calliope too."

"Yeah, well," Cal said, realizing that he was actually trying to fight down a smile at the end of that so he could settle a deadpan look at Ino, "you're right, and that's what I'm doing now, so deal with it."

Actually, part of him just wanted to hug Ino at that moment, but he knew that would distinctly not be Cal, or Calliope, or anyone in between, so he didn't. He just looked at her for a moment, instead, wanting also to ask if what she was saying, at way too much length, was that it didn't really matter, but he didn't, because he wasn't sure which answer he was more afraid of.

"I just wanted to be honest with you about it, Ino. That's all."

It mattered, and it didn't, but it was all jumbled up in her head and he was just going to have to deal with way too many words if he wanted any answers to any questions at all.

"Good," she said instead. "'Cause I really didn't want to stop talkin' to you."

"I don't know," Cal muttered, although lightly, "after that, I think you did enough talking to last you..." He paused, as if thinking of an appropriate time frame.

"...til the end of the hour."

"And," she said, with a bit of an edge to her voice, "I thought it needed to be said."

Some of it, at least.

"Of course you did," Cal said, with a nod. Ino seemed to think that everything needed to be said, although, with this one, maybe he did kind of agree.

He sighed, taking a moment to run a hand through his hair, rubbing his scalp a little, since his head was kind of aching from all this. It hadn't been a disaster, though, that was something, but who knew where she'd stand after she'd had time to think about it?

"So, yeah, just...don't tell anyone. Not that I think you would, but I still have trouble thinking about the fact that three people already do now. When I started here, I told myself I'd never get that close to anyone, but, Jesus, you guys are pushy."

"I won't tell." Bizarrely enough, Ino could keep a secret.

"Don't know 'bout Amber," with a bit of scorn there, "and I might not be much of a ninja compared to Temari-san, but I do know that you don't get anything you want 'less you fight for it."

Cal...so did not want even think about how Fanbutt found out. But the slight tone of scorn did rub on him a little bit in the wrong way. "Ino," he said, "to be fair, Amber didn't exactly know what she was getting into when she found out."

"Cal," she said, mimicking his tone of voice, "I've got more reasons than you to dislike her. I don't got to give a damn about her either was 'cept for the way she affects two of my favourite people in rather significant ways."

There was a slight pause, where Cal's expression seemed to soften a little, and, with a faint smile, he asked, "I'm one of your favorite people?"

Another beat, and the smile took on a more distant effect.

"Or is there someone else besides Liir I've got to worry about her kissing?"

"I wouldn't know," she said crisply. "Only reason I caught up with her kissin' Liir was 'cause I wanted to hear 'bout the whole weekend."

And that was the faintest hint of a blush. "Don't be an idiot," Ino said grumpily, "'course you are."

"You don't...think any of...this," Cal gave a vague gesture around to indicate the information he'd offered, "is going to change that?"

"I don't know," she said bluntly, honestly. "But my list is small, and not so easy to get on. And it's not so easy to get off of either. I'm crap, worse than that even, at letting people go. I don't know what I'm going to think tomorrow, I don't know what I'm feel even the moment I walk out those doors, I don't know. That's going to have to be good enough."

"That's more than what I can ask for, really..."

Re: First Period -- 10/20. -- NFB now plz!

Re: First Period -- 10/20. -- NFB now plz!

Re: First Period -- 10/20. -- NFB now plz!

Re: First Period -- 10/20. -- NFB now plz!

Re: First Period -- 10/20. -- NFB now plz!

Re: First Period -- 10/20. -- NFB now plz!

Re: First Period -- 10/20. -- NFB now plz!

Re: First Period -- 10/20. -- NFB now plz!

Re: First Period -- 10/20. -- NFB now plz!

Re: First Period -- 10/20. -- NFB now plz!

Re: First Period -- 10/20. -- NFB now plz!

Re: First Period -- 10/20. -- NFB now plz!

Re: First Period -- 10/20. -- NFB now plz!

Re: First Period -- 10/20. -- NFB now plz!

Re: First Period -- 10/20. -- NFB now plz!

Re: First Period -- 10/20. -- NFB now plz!

Re: First Period -- 10/20. -- NFB now plz!

Re: First Period -- 10/20. -- NFB now plz!

Re: First Period -- 10/20. -- NFB now plz!

Re: First Period -- 10/20. -- NFB now plz!

Re: First Period -- 10/20. -- NFB now plz!

Re: First Period -- 10/20. -- NFB now plz!

Re: First Period -- 10/20. -- NFB now plz!

Re: First Period -- 10/20. -- NFB now plz!

Re: First Period -- 10/20. -- NFB now plz!