Sex Ed, Tuesday, 3rd Period

[so_hawkward]

If Clint looked a little nervous standing in front of his class today, he didn't think anyone would blame him after how things had gone last week. "Hey guys. So, today we're going to talk more about one of the most important things you need to think about before having sex--namely, protection."

Oh, god help him.

"First, let's talk about what the ladies can do to stay safe," he said, because that seemed like a smart place to start. "Ladies, you have a lot of options for protection, and most of them involve not getting pregnant. There are a ton of medicines that will prevent you from getting pregnant, and most of them involve getting to skip your period too, which I can only assume is an awesome bonus." There were things he wasn't willing to study too closely, okay? "There are pills, rings, implants... uh, if you want more details on any of those, let me know and I'll... uh, find some. The big problems with these options are that you have to remember them all the time, and they don't protect against diseases, which we'll talk about another time."

"Unfortunately, science hasn't figured out something for guys to take that has a similar effect, so we're stuck with condoms," Clint said, laughing. "And that's where protection against diseases comes in as well. Condoms are some of the best protection you can have, but only when you use them the right way, and only when you use them all the time." He wasn't exactly worried about his students getting pregnant, but it would be just his luck that that sort of thing would happen during his semester at the helm of this class.

"Last week, Ada brought up a great lie that idiot guys say to ruin things for the rest of us, so I'm here to tell you, there's no man who's too big for one of these," Clint said, picking a condom out from a bowl on the table behind him. "If you're with a guy and he won't use a condom, call him names and leave because he doesn't deserve you, got it? Now, I think everyone should know how to put a condom on, even if you don't think at this point you may ever have sex, because you never know, and you're in this class for knowledge, right?"

If you were hoping that the box next to the bowl of condoms was filled with bananas or something, sorry folks. If the girls weren't going to have any shame, neither was Clint, and he opened the box to reveal a pile of silicone dildos in a variety of sizes, shapes, and colors. "I'd like for you to practice getting a condom on some of these, or at least watch while I and your classmates do it. After a while, you'll see how easy it is."

Comments

Practice with condoms [09/15]

[so_hawkward]

The size of your... practice implement is up to you!

Also, Clint will probably know if any of them goes missing. Just saying.

Re: Practice with condoms [09/15]

[good_for_six]

Pfft, like keeping an inventory would stop Isabela if she found one she really liked.

"I found one that sparkles," she announced gleefully, though sparkling was really all that one had going for it. "This is a well curated collection of cocks."

This is what you got for not using bananas, Clint.

Re: Practice with condoms [09/15]

[dwarvenswagger]

There were many things Thorin never wished to know about the proclivities of men. And that was one of them.

"...and sparkles are a good thing?"

Re: Practice with condoms [09/15]

[good_for_six]

Like you wouldn't decorate your sex toys with gemstones, Thorin.

"They're a pretty thing," Isabela said, poking the sparklepeen with a finger to test the firmness. The texture of this material was different from stone or leather or wood. "The size and shape leaves something to be desired though."

Re: Practice with condoms [09/15]

[dwarvenswagger]

Yes, but sparkles weren't gems. And excuse you, his would be crafted with the finest of mithril. Made with his own two hands.

The height of his craft.

The narrative could go on, but for Tolkien's fragile sensibilities, will stop.

"It does?" WHY DID HE ASK?

Re: Practice with condoms [09/15]

[good_for_six]

Fragile sensibilities be damned, Isabela was quite enjoying that narrative. Thorin spending long, hard hours getting the details just right.

"It's too thin for a start," she explained, wrapping her hand around it for emphasis. "How am I supposed to get a good grip on this? Men are obsessed with length, but girth is just as important, sometimes even more so."

Re: Practice with condoms [09/15]

[dwarvenswagger]

Laboring over the forge for hours on end and, as we can only assume, sweaty and shirtless as he did so. Thank Peter Jackson for that one.

It might take a few attempts to get the veining just right, you know.

Thorin tilted his head as he attempted to think of the sparkly, aha, spear as a weapon's grip in this scenario. This was going to end in tears or Thorin honestly attempting to make a better one.

"Men, I have found, also think it will fall off without use."

Re: Practice with condoms [09/15]

[good_for_six]

She knew which of the two options she'd vote for.

"That came up last week," Isabela told him. "Though this one's likely to fall off with use, how are you supposed to attach it to a harness?"

Re: Practice with condoms [09/15]

[dwarvenswagger]

Don't break the dwarf prince.

"It would need a base," Thorin replied. Because someone engaged his engineering sensibilities. It was things like this that lead to discussions on how to accomplish a fiery crash with horses. "Or perhaps an anchor within the shaft to hook into such a device. "

Re: Practice with condoms [09/15]

[good_for_six]

If he lived in Orzammar, this was the kind of thinking that could make him a Paragon. He'd end up with the best statue.

"The anchor would probably work better if you were only using it with one," Isabela said after a moment, because considering the logistics of sex was almost as much fun as having it. "The base if you were planning on using your hands sometimes as well."

Re: Practice with condoms [09/15]

[dwarvenswagger]

He wouls have to make do with merely a book written by a halfling in his honor. And a war. A big ol' war.

Thorin frowned, flushing red for a moment before shaking his head. "A base would need be part of the device rather than addition. I could not guarantee the structural integrity otherwise."

Re: Practice with condoms [09/15]

[good_for_six]

If the halfing was anything like Varric as an author 'Who Thinks Robbing a Fucking Dragon is a Good Idea?' would be a bestseller.

"But without the flexibility of being able to swap attachments, you'd need a separate harness for each one."

Re: Practice with condoms [09/15]

[dwarvenswagger]

Bilbo would never use such language. He'd imply that politely, though.

While politely implying Thorin was the dumbest fucking king to ever king and dying on him was the only thing preventing Bilbo from smacking him firmly upside the head. That and Thorin being too damn tall.

Thorin hummed thoughtfully. "Do we know what material these... things are made of?"

Re: Practice with condoms [09/15]

[good_for_six]

So basically, Thorin would fit right in with the rest of Hawke's friends.

"I'm not sure," Isabela admitted. "It seems to be one solid piece, but it's not stone or metal, and there's no tooling marks."

Clearly the next step was to ask Clint.

Re: Practice with condoms [09/15]

[dwarvenswagger]

Basically, yes. Just don't let him near gold in mass quantities. Or dragons. Or mystical rings forged by the Enemy. Or elves.

Wow, he had a lot of strikes against him in the 'will he go crazy?' category.

"Perhaps it was molded?"

Re: Practice with condoms [09/15]

[good_for_six]

But Merrill was adorable.

"Maybe, makes as much sense as any other option." Isabela didn't have a lot of experience with moulds.

Re: Practice with condoms [09/15]

[so_hawkward]

"Dite's had a lot of different options, and I didn't want anyone's preferences to be left out," Clint said. It hadn't even occurred to him that the students might think these were his, because again, he underestimated their mental creativity greatly.

Re: Practice with condoms [09/15]

[good_for_six]

Well, Isabela had doubted he been sharing his personal collection. She wouldn't be considering making off with any especially interesting looking ones if that was the case. She just assumed he'd chosen these based on his personal collection.

"Dite's?" Clint, no, don't tell her about the sex shop.

RE: Re: Practice with condoms [09/15]

[so_hawkward]

Clint did not have a collection of this sort of thing at all, and probably would have gotten even more flustered at the suggestion.

"It's a store in town that sells... er, things like this." Clint, no. "And supplies. And anything else people might need for their relationships or lack thereof."

Re: Practice with condoms [09/15]

[good_for_six]

Pity. Oooh, Clint should start one, he certainly had enough here for a respectably sized beginning.

"Really?" That had definitely piqued Isabela's curiosity.

RE: Re: Practice with condoms [09/15]

[so_hawkward]

"Yeah, it's in town. The last person who taught this class managed the place. I'm not sure who's in charge now but it's still open," Clint said helpfully. "It's, uh, not exactly subtle when you go in." Because that would definitely be a concern for someone who wanted a hands on education, after all.

Re: Practice with condoms [09/15]

[good_for_six]

When had Isabela given him the impression she cared about subtle?

Ever?

"Are we going to go there for a class?" You had only yourself to blame when this inevitably ended in tears, fire and goats, Clint.

Re: Practice with condoms [09/15]

[so_hawkward]

"Uh. I guess we could?" Clint said, because he really, really did not think before speaking. "I don't know if everyone would be interested, but it could be useful."

Re: Practice with condoms [09/15]

[stacyexperiment]

Gwen respected the lack of shame, Clint!

Of course she was also definitely not in practicing anything on dildos so she was trying to look better at this than she was, but hey, you can't have everything.

Re: Practice with condoms [09/15]

[boneyard_girl]

Yes, Ada was going to dig through the bowl of condoms, grab a few, and practice. Because while she'd seen some of her female cousins mime it a few times, she didn't have any experience with the real thing.

If the 'real thing' was magenta and made out of silicone.

"Just to check," she yelled, holding up her magenta trophy, "--it shouldn't be this color in real life, right?"