Sex Ed, Tuesday, 3rd Period

[so_hawkward]

If Clint looked a little nervous standing in front of his class today, he didn't think anyone would blame him after how things had gone last week. "Hey guys. So, today we're going to talk more about one of the most important things you need to think about before having sex--namely, protection."

Oh, god help him.

"First, let's talk about what the ladies can do to stay safe," he said, because that seemed like a smart place to start. "Ladies, you have a lot of options for protection, and most of them involve not getting pregnant. There are a ton of medicines that will prevent you from getting pregnant, and most of them involve getting to skip your period too, which I can only assume is an awesome bonus." There were things he wasn't willing to study too closely, okay? "There are pills, rings, implants... uh, if you want more details on any of those, let me know and I'll... uh, find some. The big problems with these options are that you have to remember them all the time, and they don't protect against diseases, which we'll talk about another time."

"Unfortunately, science hasn't figured out something for guys to take that has a similar effect, so we're stuck with condoms," Clint said, laughing. "And that's where protection against diseases comes in as well. Condoms are some of the best protection you can have, but only when you use them the right way, and only when you use them all the time." He wasn't exactly worried about his students getting pregnant, but it would be just his luck that that sort of thing would happen during his semester at the helm of this class.

"Last week, Ada brought up a great lie that idiot guys say to ruin things for the rest of us, so I'm here to tell you, there's no man who's too big for one of these," Clint said, picking a condom out from a bowl on the table behind him. "If you're with a guy and he won't use a condom, call him names and leave because he doesn't deserve you, got it? Now, I think everyone should know how to put a condom on, even if you don't think at this point you may ever have sex, because you never know, and you're in this class for knowledge, right?"

If you were hoping that the box next to the bowl of condoms was filled with bananas or something, sorry folks. If the girls weren't going to have any shame, neither was Clint, and he opened the box to reveal a pile of silicone dildos in a variety of sizes, shapes, and colors. "I'd like for you to practice getting a condom on some of these, or at least watch while I and your classmates do it. After a while, you'll see how easy it is."

Comments

Re: Practice with condoms [09/15]

[good_for_six]

Like you wouldn't decorate your sex toys with gemstones, Thorin.

"They're a pretty thing," Isabela said, poking the sparklepeen with a finger to test the firmness. The texture of this material was different from stone or leather or wood. "The size and shape leaves something to be desired though."

Re: Practice with condoms [09/15]

[dwarvenswagger]

Yes, but sparkles weren't gems. And excuse you, his would be crafted with the finest of mithril. Made with his own two hands.

The height of his craft.

The narrative could go on, but for Tolkien's fragile sensibilities, will stop.

"It does?" WHY DID HE ASK?

Re: Practice with condoms [09/15]

[good_for_six]

Fragile sensibilities be damned, Isabela was quite enjoying that narrative. Thorin spending long, hard hours getting the details just right.

"It's too thin for a start," she explained, wrapping her hand around it for emphasis. "How am I supposed to get a good grip on this? Men are obsessed with length, but girth is just as important, sometimes even more so."

Re: Practice with condoms [09/15]

[dwarvenswagger]

Laboring over the forge for hours on end and, as we can only assume, sweaty and shirtless as he did so. Thank Peter Jackson for that one.

It might take a few attempts to get the veining just right, you know.

Thorin tilted his head as he attempted to think of the sparkly, aha, spear as a weapon's grip in this scenario. This was going to end in tears or Thorin honestly attempting to make a better one.

"Men, I have found, also think it will fall off without use."

Re: Practice with condoms [09/15]

[good_for_six]

She knew which of the two options she'd vote for.

"That came up last week," Isabela told him. "Though this one's likely to fall off with use, how are you supposed to attach it to a harness?"

Re: Practice with condoms [09/15]

[dwarvenswagger]

Don't break the dwarf prince.

"It would need a base," Thorin replied. Because someone engaged his engineering sensibilities. It was things like this that lead to discussions on how to accomplish a fiery crash with horses. "Or perhaps an anchor within the shaft to hook into such a device. "

Re: Practice with condoms [09/15]

[good_for_six]

If he lived in Orzammar, this was the kind of thinking that could make him a Paragon. He'd end up with the best statue.

"The anchor would probably work better if you were only using it with one," Isabela said after a moment, because considering the logistics of sex was almost as much fun as having it. "The base if you were planning on using your hands sometimes as well."

Re: Practice with condoms [09/15]

[dwarvenswagger]

He wouls have to make do with merely a book written by a halfling in his honor. And a war. A big ol' war.

Thorin frowned, flushing red for a moment before shaking his head. "A base would need be part of the device rather than addition. I could not guarantee the structural integrity otherwise."

Re: Practice with condoms [09/15]

[good_for_six]

If the halfing was anything like Varric as an author 'Who Thinks Robbing a Fucking Dragon is a Good Idea?' would be a bestseller.

"But without the flexibility of being able to swap attachments, you'd need a separate harness for each one."

Re: Practice with condoms [09/15]

[dwarvenswagger]

Bilbo would never use such language. He'd imply that politely, though.

While politely implying Thorin was the dumbest fucking king to ever king and dying on him was the only thing preventing Bilbo from smacking him firmly upside the head. That and Thorin being too damn tall.

Thorin hummed thoughtfully. "Do we know what material these... things are made of?"

Re: Practice with condoms [09/15]

[good_for_six]

So basically, Thorin would fit right in with the rest of Hawke's friends.

"I'm not sure," Isabela admitted. "It seems to be one solid piece, but it's not stone or metal, and there's no tooling marks."

Clearly the next step was to ask Clint.

Re: Practice with condoms [09/15]

[dwarvenswagger]

Basically, yes. Just don't let him near gold in mass quantities. Or dragons. Or mystical rings forged by the Enemy. Or elves.

Wow, he had a lot of strikes against him in the 'will he go crazy?' category.

"Perhaps it was molded?"

Re: Practice with condoms [09/15]

[good_for_six]

But Merrill was adorable.

"Maybe, makes as much sense as any other option." Isabela didn't have a lot of experience with moulds.

Re: Practice with condoms [09/15]

[dwarvenswagger]

MERRILL WAS A CONFUSING ABBERATION.

Thorin nodded like it was all settled. "Though these 'condoms' seem flimsy, I will admit my experience with such things is not that of men."

Re: Practice with condoms [09/15]

[good_for_six]

"What is your experience then?" Please do go on, Isabela was all ears.

In lieu of something to do with her hands, she'd opened one of the condom packets and was discovering just how stretchy they were. "They're tougher than they look."

Re: Practice with condoms [09/15]

[dwarvenswagger]

Thorin was just giving the condom a moderately horrified look. "I have one."

And that was all. Tolkien was a fucking romantic and his headcanon was ridiculous.

Re: Practice with condoms [09/15]

[good_for_six]

At least she wasn't trying to blow it up like some kind of air bladder?

"One what?" There needed to be some kind of noun after that number.

Re: Practice with condoms [09/15]

[dwarvenswagger]

Thorin sighed like the massive drama queen he was. "I have a cock," he muttered, deeply uncomfortable with using that word in public. Or at all.

Re: Practice with condoms [09/15]

[good_for_six]

"The vast majority of men also have one cock, sweet thing," Isabela said, gently for her. "At least if we're talking the kind attached to a person."

Re: Practice with condoms [09/15]

[dwarvenswagger]

"And that is my experience with such matters," he replied stiffly. "I would not even consider wedding until I am at least ninety."

Seriously. This shit was hilarious.

Re: Practice with condoms [09/15]

[good_for_six]

"I can't say I disagree with that plan," said the seventeen year old widow. "But you don't need to get married to have some pleasant experiences."

Re: Practice with condoms [09/15]

[dwarvenswagger]

"I believe the nature of my people to be different from your own. Dwarves love only once in their life. If at all."

Because that was a way to keep the population stable. Really. A+ job on world building.

Re: Practice with condoms [09/15]

[good_for_six]

And sometimes they fell in love with their crossbows.

"Who said anything about love?"

Re: Practice with condoms [09/15]

[dwarvenswagger]

Well, was it a good crossbow?

Thorin gave her a look like a confused puppy. If said puppy had resting murder face.

Because Tolkien. If it was sex before marriage, it was tragic or kiiiiinda rapey.

Re: Practice with condoms [09/15]

[good_for_six]

True, Bianca was the kind of crossbow whose affections you'd fight for.

"Oh, sweet thing, you don't mean dwarves where you're from only have sex with one other person? Ever?"

How tragic.