fandomhigh | Sex Ed, Tuesday, 3rd Period

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Sex Ed, Tuesday, 3rd Period

If Clint looked a little nervous standing in front of his class today, he didn't think anyone would blame him after how things had gone last week. "Hey guys. So, today we're going to talk more about one of the most important things you need to think about before having sex--namely, protection."

Oh, god help him.

"First, let's talk about what the ladies can do to stay safe," he said, because that seemed like a smart place to start. "Ladies, you have a lot of options for protection, and most of them involve not getting pregnant. There are a ton of medicines that will prevent you from getting pregnant, and most of them involve getting to skip your period too, which I can only assume is an awesome bonus." There were things he wasn't willing to study too closely, okay? "There are pills, rings, implants... uh, if you want more details on any of those, let me know and I'll... uh, find some. The big problems with these options are that you have to remember them all the time, and they don't protect against diseases, which we'll talk about another time."

"Unfortunately, science hasn't figured out something for guys to take that has a similar effect, so we're stuck with condoms," Clint said, laughing. "And that's where protection against diseases comes in as well. Condoms are some of the best protection you can have, but only when you use them the right way, and only when you use them all the time." He wasn't exactly worried about his students getting pregnant, but it would be just his luck that that sort of thing would happen during his semester at the helm of this class.

"Last week, Ada brought up a great lie that idiot guys say to ruin things for the rest of us, so I'm here to tell you, there's no man who's too big for one of these," Clint said, picking a condom out from a bowl on the table behind him. "If you're with a guy and he won't use a condom, call him names and leave because he doesn't deserve you, got it? Now, I think everyone should know how to put a condom on, even if you don't think at this point you may ever have sex, because you never know, and you're in this class for knowledge, right?"

If you were hoping that the box next to the bowl of condoms was filled with bananas or something, sorry folks. If the girls weren't going to have any shame, neither was Clint, and he opened the box to reveal a pile of silicone dildos in a variety of sizes, shapes, and colors. "I'd like for you to practice getting a condom on some of these, or at least watch while I and your classmates do it. After a while, you'll see how easy it is."

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If he lived in Orzammar, this was the kind of thinking that could make him a Paragon. He'd end up with the best statue.

"The anchor would probably work better if you were only using it with one," Isabela said after a moment, because considering the logistics of sex was almost as much fun as having it. "The base if you were planning on using your hands sometimes as well."

He wouls have to make do with merely a book written by a halfling in his honor. And a war. A big ol' war.

Thorin frowned, flushing red for a moment before shaking his head. "A base would need be part of the device rather than addition. I could not guarantee the structural integrity otherwise."

Edited 2015-09-15 15:12 (UTC)

If the halfing was anything like Varric as an author 'Who Thinks Robbing a Fucking Dragon is a Good Idea?' would be a bestseller.

"But without the flexibility of being able to swap attachments, you'd need a separate harness for each one."

Bilbo would never use such language. He'd imply that politely, though.

While politely implying Thorin was the dumbest fucking king to ever king and dying on him was the only thing preventing Bilbo from smacking him firmly upside the head. That and Thorin being too damn tall.

Thorin hummed thoughtfully. "Do we know what material these... things are made of?"

So basically, Thorin would fit right in with the rest of Hawke's friends.

"I'm not sure," Isabela admitted. "It seems to be one solid piece, but it's not stone or metal, and there's no tooling marks."

Clearly the next step was to ask Clint.

Basically, yes. Just don't let him near gold in mass quantities. Or dragons. Or mystical rings forged by the Enemy. Or elves.

Wow, he had a lot of strikes against him in the 'will he go crazy?' category.

"Perhaps it was molded?"

But Merrill was adorable.

"Maybe, makes as much sense as any other option." Isabela didn't have a lot of experience with moulds.

MERRILL WAS A CONFUSING ABBERATION.

Thorin nodded like it was all settled. "Though these 'condoms' seem flimsy, I will admit my experience with such things is not that of men."

"What is your experience then?" Please do go on, Isabela was all ears.

In lieu of something to do with her hands, she'd opened one of the condom packets and was discovering just how stretchy they were. "They're tougher than they look."

Thorin was just giving the condom a moderately horrified look. "I have one."

And that was all. Tolkien was a fucking romantic and his headcanon was ridiculous.

At least she wasn't trying to blow it up like some kind of air bladder?

"One what?" There needed to be some kind of noun after that number.

Thorin sighed like the massive drama queen he was. "I have a cock," he muttered, deeply uncomfortable with using that word in public. Or at all.

"The vast majority of men also have one cock, sweet thing," Isabela said, gently for her. "At least if we're talking the kind attached to a person."

"And that is my experience with such matters," he replied stiffly. "I would not even consider wedding until I am at least ninety."

Seriously. This shit was hilarious.

"I can't say I disagree with that plan," said the seventeen year old widow. "But you don't need to get married to have some pleasant experiences."

"I believe the nature of my people to be different from your own. Dwarves love only once in their life. If at all."

Because that was a way to keep the population stable. Really. A+ job on world building.

And sometimes they fell in love with their crossbows.

"Who said anything about love?"

Well, was it a good crossbow?

Thorin gave her a look like a confused puppy. If said puppy had resting murder face.

Because Tolkien. If it was sex before marriage, it was tragic or kiiiiinda rapey.

True, Bianca was the kind of crossbow whose affections you'd fight for.

"Oh, sweet thing, you don't mean dwarves where you're from only have sex with one other person? Ever?"

How tragic.

"Should their beloved return their affection." Yep, it had a fifty-fifty chance of getting nothing. Their whole life

No wonder they were so surly.

"Oh, you poor things, do you at least have decent drink?"

Because no sex and no booze would be unthinkable.

"Yes, of course." And excuse you, he'd totally end up finding someone to love. In a hundred and seventy years. And then die tragically.

Get your shit together, Thorin.

Isabela started sorting through Clint's box of cocks again. "We need to find you something nice," she said.

It wasn't a person, so it didn't count, and he clearly needed one even more than she did.

"What."

Excuse you, he was the Dwarven equivalent to a pimply fourteen year old. Totally corrupting him here.

This was helping him. She was a helper.

"Look, if you can only sleep with one person, then you're not going to have a lot of opportunities o figure out what works, things like these will help with that."

Sex Ed, Tuesday, 3rd Period

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