fandomhigh | Sex Ed the GOB Bluth Way #4, Monday, Period 3

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sex ed

Sex Ed the GOB Bluth Way #4, Monday, Period 3

GOB walked up to the now common sight of the dry erase board covered with a sheet. He was wearing a long-sleeved shirt and sweater combination to project an aura of responsibility. That may have been a mistake during the middle of summer.

"Well, children," he said, trying to exude the air of a children's show host, albeit one who the state had to warn the people in the neighborhood about due to Megan's Law, "I just wanted to remind you what we're all doing here. I'm here to teach you how to be responsible if you give into your hormones and try to screw each other like animals. I'm not trying to promote it, I'm just trying to teach you how to do it safely and intelligently. After all, the only thing I really want is to make sure that you all grow up to be responsible adults."

"That's why today we'll be discussing safe sex. Specifically..." GOB pulled the sheet off the board, revealing the lesson name, "Ways to Avoid Concussions During Sex."

The sad part was that GOB was trying to be sincere in giving the students a lesson in safety and responsibility today.

"There are about three times as many ways to avoid concussions as there are to cause them. And there are five ways to cause them during sex, so that should give us about 13 ways to prevent them." GOB's math was impeccable. "To keep this nice and easy, let's look at the ways that you can get a concussion during sex."

"First, head to head contact. No, I'm not talking about when two gay guys have unintentional crotch-to-crotch contact," GOB said. It was a joke. He was being lighthearted and friendly, but responsible. "No, this is when you're either not paying attention or you're just going loose above the shoulders and you and your partner commit what is called a 'Headbutt of Passion,' which is not what it sounds like." What is sounds like to GOB, that is. "The skull is the hardest bone in the body, but your brain is loose inside of it. So when two heads butt, your brains slosh around and it isn't pleasant. Unless you're into that kind of thing.."

"The second method is hitting your head on the wall or a headboard. This usually happens when the person on top isn't paying attention to their surroundings and gets too close to a hard surface. This is why you should never have sex in a room with an exposed brick wall without first scouting the room out. Brick walls hurt. Remember that."

"The third thing that could cause a concussion is having a partner who is into way rougher stuff than you were expecting. They may try to hit you with various things to help them get off, including clubs, individual bricks, passionate midgets, or their own impressive upper body strength into a punch. These people are dangerous, but you don't usually know it until you're both naked and they have a baton strapped to their leg."

"The fourth method involves debris falling from the ceiling. This will usually happen in older buildings with poorly constructed ceilings. Just noting here, if a ceiling collapses on you, you're not meant to get lucky that night. That's just a fact of nature."

"The fifth and final method of getting a concussion during sex only happens when you're outdoors and you're unlucky enough to be in the path of some kind of large animal, like a moose. Mooses hurt."

"Today you'll be breaking into groups of three and focusing on one of our five ways of getting a concussion during sex. You'll be coming up with a list of ways to prevent concussions from the way you choose. Remember, there are only three right prevention methods for each way, so think about it really hard and turn in a list of your three ways at the end of the day."

[OOC: Standard stuff blah blah blah.]

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After taking a moment which to discuss, this one or the one about falling debris (true, that I-Beam didn't fall on him during sex, but you never do know when a random I-Beam would fall on you), Chad went with this one, because, well, he was a big guy. This one was all too known to him.

"So...."

"Yeah," Johnny rubbed his head. "Hit the headboard a time or two have you?" Cause he was not going first.

Chad's actions mimicked Johnny's. "A bit more than a time or two," he admitted.

"Best way to prevent them?" he said. "Don't have sex in the alcoves. Smaller than you think they are."

No, it didn't cross Chad's mind that his cabinmate didn't exactly need to know that he was having subtle boysex in the cabin. Or that Johnny probably didn't even realize that it was sex of the boy variety.

He raised his brows. While Chad was willing to confess about sex in the alcoves, Johnny was not. Johnny didn't want to admit to having sex period since coming to Fandom. Wait, that's really a lie. He didn't want to admit to having sex with a boy. He was still trying to sort it all out in his mind. It might take a while.

"I think not being close to a wall would help too. Possibly a bed in the middle of the room minus a headboard. Or hey, who needs a bed?"

"Good point," Chad nodded. "Problem is, on the floor gets uncomfortable and taking it outside gets a machete through your torso."

"Tossing the mattress to the floor works," he said thoughtfully. "Uh, you know, theoretically speaking of course."

Johnny rubbed his chin, "There is the swimming pool. An night...Oooh ooh man, then there is the motorcycle," he moved his hands like he was mimicking holding someone's waist, "turn her this way and set her down..." Okay, maybe he was getting a little bit too into this discussion.

"I mean, those are some suggestions."

"This is...assuming the motorcycle's stationary, right?" Chad asked, head tilting a little. "'Cause, I mean, if not, I think you might have more than just a concussion to worry about..."

"Stationary but revved up," he grinned. "Think about it..." And Johnny took about ten seconds doing just that.

Johnny didn't even have to prompt Chad to do so. After a long moment of his thoughts in rather pleasant places, he muttered, "I gotta get me a bike."

"That's what I'm talking about," he nodded then added, "I gotta get me someone to put on that bike of mine." Which led to more happy places with slight frowning due to the fact that he didn't know who to put on his bike, or even if anyone would be willing and able and..."Maaan!"

Chad's eyes shifted toward Johnny for a second, considering possibly asking if, well, by the sounds of it, Johnny wasn't using it to that purpose, if maybe Chad could borrow....but somethingin the back of his head told him that, dude. Not cool.

"I think," he said, instead, "that that should definitely be one of our prevention methods. Motorcycle sex."

And he promptly wrote it down.

Johnny followed suit, writing down Motorcycle sex at the top of his list. Hey, it seemed a great prevention method.

"Okay, one down, two to go." He was thinking again. There was that one time he made a hot tub in the side of that mountain of snow. That was pretty sweet. Johnny might be sitting here grinning, thinking just about that particular time.

Chad snorted a laugh, recognizing that grin. "Dude? Share with the rest of the class?"

He leaned towards Chad, lowering his voice, "When I first learned about my abilities with fire? I was snowboarding down this sweet slope with my oh-so-hot nurse. Got to going pretty fast and I shot off in a blaze of glory and landed in a pile of snow, melting it and everything around me. Picture me sitting in my own hot tub in the side a frosty white mountain." Johnny grinned and shrugged. "Hot nurse joined me. There was absolutely no head banging of any kind that could be considered harmful to your brain."

Chad had to admit, that? Was a pretty freakin' sweet story.

"So goes on the list," he said, writing down Hot tub sex and adding it to his own mental list of things he had to do.

"You bet," Johnny said and added it to his list.

"Your turn big guy," he said, waiting to hear something new to add to his own sexcapades.

Which would be a lot easier if his own sexcapades almost always didn't involve actual headbanging or a strong risk of headbanging, but he was a big guy...

After having to rule out a lot of options that came to his head (back alleys were dangerous, you could slip in the shower...), he only had this to offer:

"Clinic sex. 'Cause then if you do hit your head, asprin's close at hand. Also? Only way to actually get me to stay in a clinic."

"Clinic sex. Niiiice," Johnny quirked his lips and nodded. "Will certainly have to take that into consideration, what with aspirin being close and all that."

He bent over and quickly added that to his list.

"So we've got Motorcycle Sex, Hot Tub Sex, and Clinic Sex. Who could go wrong there?"

"Definitely preventative measures I can get behind," Chad agreed. "Who's gonna go hand the list in?"

"Don't matter to me. I think GOB is going to be pretty dang pleased with our thought process."

Inara, still a little gobsmacked by the lecture, finally remembered that she was supposed to be doing something. "Do you mind if I join you?" She asked her cabinmates.

Chad entirely blamed the topic under discussion for what came to mind when Inara asked to join Johnny and himself.

With a slight shake of his head, he remembered that that was so not what she meant. "Course not," he said, with a small smile. No, he wasn't blushing. You couldn't see it anyway. "'Cept we already finished our list....Third opinion's good, though."

Johnny stared at Inara and just...stared, cause he might have been having thoughts that he shouldn't be having in a classroom.

It took Chad opening his mouth before Johnny sort of lasped out of his very pleasant thoughts. He shared a look with Chad then looked back at Inara. "Yeah...we could, uh, use a third opinion here."

"Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to get here late?" She apologized, "Opinion on what?"

"Preventative measures against hitting your head on things during sex," Chad explained, knocking on the side of his head a little as if to demonstrate. "Johnny, wanna tell her what we've got?"

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