fandomhigh | Sex Ed the GOB Bluth Way #4, Monday, Period 3

GOB walked up to the now common sight of the dry erase board covered with a sheet. He was wearing a long-sleeved shirt and sweater combination to project an aura of responsibility. That may have been a mistake during the middle of summer.

"Well, children," he said, trying to exude the air of a children's show host, albeit one who the state had to warn the people in the neighborhood about due to Megan's Law, "I just wanted to remind you what we're all doing here. I'm here to teach you how to be responsible if you give into your hormones and try to screw each other like animals. I'm not trying to promote it, I'm just trying to teach you how to do it safely and intelligently. After all, the only thing I really want is to make sure that you all grow up to be responsible adults."

"That's why today we'll be discussing safe sex. Specifically..." GOB pulled the sheet off the board, revealing the lesson name, "Ways to Avoid Concussions During Sex."

The sad part was that GOB was trying to be sincere in giving the students a lesson in safety and responsibility today.

"There are about three times as many ways to avoid concussions as there are to cause them. And there are five ways to cause them during sex, so that should give us about 13 ways to prevent them." GOB's math was impeccable. "To keep this nice and easy, let's look at the ways that you can get a concussion during sex."

"First, head to head contact. No, I'm not talking about when two gay guys have unintentional crotch-to-crotch contact," GOB said. It was a joke. He was being lighthearted and friendly, but responsible. "No, this is when you're either not paying attention or you're just going loose above the shoulders and you and your partner commit what is called a 'Headbutt of Passion,' which is not what it sounds like." What is sounds like to GOB, that is. "The skull is the hardest bone in the body, but your brain is loose inside of it. So when two heads butt, your brains slosh around and it isn't pleasant. Unless you're into that kind of thing.."

"The second method is hitting your head on the wall or a headboard. This usually happens when the person on top isn't paying attention to their surroundings and gets too close to a hard surface. This is why you should never have sex in a room with an exposed brick wall without first scouting the room out. Brick walls hurt. Remember that."

"The third thing that could cause a concussion is having a partner who is into way rougher stuff than you were expecting. They may try to hit you with various things to help them get off, including clubs, individual bricks, passionate midgets, or their own impressive upper body strength into a punch. These people are dangerous, but you don't usually know it until you're both naked and they have a baton strapped to their leg."

"The fourth method involves debris falling from the ceiling. This will usually happen in older buildings with poorly constructed ceilings. Just noting here, if a ceiling collapses on you, you're not meant to get lucky that night. That's just a fact of nature."

"The fifth and final method of getting a concussion during sex only happens when you're outdoors and you're unlucky enough to be in the path of some kind of large animal, like a moose. Mooses hurt."

"Today you'll be breaking into groups of three and focusing on one of our five ways of getting a concussion during sex. You'll be coming up with a list of ways to prevent concussions from the way you choose. Remember, there are only three right prevention methods for each way, so think about it really hard and turn in a list of your three ways at the end of the day."

[OOC: Standard stuff blah blah blah.]

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Chad was just quiet for a moment. Yes, it was really hot and awesome when a chick knew her stuff, but Inara was breaching on being a bit too technical on details here. "Um, well, in Johnny's example, it was made of snow or something."

No, that didn't make any sense, but Chad didn't realize this because, well, he was thinking about hot tub sex.

Johnny was nodding. "It was made of snow and I think having or not having lubricant is a personal decision of whomever might or might not want it. It doesn't affect your head." Yes. He kind of was wondering how many times Inara has had painful sex.

And he might not be making sense either because he was totally thinking about hot tub sex that he'd had. With a girl. In the snow.

Inara hadn't had sex of any kind, painful or not, but wasn't about to mention that to Chad and Johnny. "I was just curious about that part. And how can you have a hot tub in the snow? Doesn't it just get cold?"

"Flame-y...stuff," Chad said, because it was pretty much the only thing he could contribute on this one. This one was all Johnny's; it's the third preventative measure that was all his.

"I made it?" he said, blushing slightly. And he hated to blush. Hated it. "I can kind of manipulate fire." And now he realized she didn't know what he meant when he said that he could warm his body when they were talking about the motorcycle. And that only made him blush more.

"You made it?" She asked, then processed what he'd said, blushing a little as she caught up, "Oh. So, this scenario is very specific to you, then?"

"Well, other hot tubs aren't in the snow and have less slippery surfaces," Chad pointed out helpfully. "Or like in Japan, with all the hot springs, and they're natural rock and stuff."

Johnny pinched the bridge of his nose and nodded at Inara, but as Chad started explaining about hot tubs, hopefully her attention would drift over to that and to eventually their third preventative measure.

"Oh, that sounds much more like what I'm used to," she said with a nod, "and what's the preventive measure?"

"Can't get a concussion if you hit your head on water." Chad shrugged. Their minds were clearly very simple ones.

"Or snow," Johnny added. Clearly simple minded.

Clearly she had some work to do here. "What about if you hit your head on the edge of one of the non-snow ones?"

"Uh...." Yeah, those hot springs had a lot of rocks in them, after all.

"...Damn."

Johnny shrugged, "Do it in the middle of the hot tub with the bubbles going full blast. Sort of help keep you afloat." What?

"That would work, but it sounds a bit...restrained," she frowned. At least that met the requirements, "What's the third method? And have we considered actually...paying attention to your partner and making sure he or she doesn't hit their head on anything?"

"Figured that went without saying," Chad replied, because, really, wasn't paying attention to your partner one of the most important parts of sex? "Third option is clinic sex. Although it's more to prevent a possible concussion from being a problem more than anything else."

Johnny laughed, "None of my partners have ever been restrained," okay, so maybe he was the only one to find that amusing.

He cleared his throat and nodded, "Cause if you do hit your head then you are already surrounded by doctors willing to help."

Inara didn't mention that Johnny's partners may have missed something worthwhile. "That's a plus, yes. But I still think a lack of injury in the first place would be a good thing."

"But sometimes injury," Chad gave a significant look down at his side, "can't be helped. Which makes clinic sex all the nicer."

Yes, that was experience he was working into his voice, hoping she could tell.

"Yep, yep," that was all Johnny could contribute there. "If your feeling bad, what better way to cheer you up?"

Inara couldn't argue with that, either. "But being in there already isn't the same as getting a concussion while you're having sex in there, as far as I know."

Sex Ed the GOB Bluth Way #4, Monday, Period 3

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