fandomhigh | Sex Ed the GOB Bluth Way #4, Monday, Period 3

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sex ed

Sex Ed the GOB Bluth Way #4, Monday, Period 3

GOB walked up to the now common sight of the dry erase board covered with a sheet. He was wearing a long-sleeved shirt and sweater combination to project an aura of responsibility. That may have been a mistake during the middle of summer.

"Well, children," he said, trying to exude the air of a children's show host, albeit one who the state had to warn the people in the neighborhood about due to Megan's Law, "I just wanted to remind you what we're all doing here. I'm here to teach you how to be responsible if you give into your hormones and try to screw each other like animals. I'm not trying to promote it, I'm just trying to teach you how to do it safely and intelligently. After all, the only thing I really want is to make sure that you all grow up to be responsible adults."

"That's why today we'll be discussing safe sex. Specifically..." GOB pulled the sheet off the board, revealing the lesson name, "Ways to Avoid Concussions During Sex."

The sad part was that GOB was trying to be sincere in giving the students a lesson in safety and responsibility today.

"There are about three times as many ways to avoid concussions as there are to cause them. And there are five ways to cause them during sex, so that should give us about 13 ways to prevent them." GOB's math was impeccable. "To keep this nice and easy, let's look at the ways that you can get a concussion during sex."

"First, head to head contact. No, I'm not talking about when two gay guys have unintentional crotch-to-crotch contact," GOB said. It was a joke. He was being lighthearted and friendly, but responsible. "No, this is when you're either not paying attention or you're just going loose above the shoulders and you and your partner commit what is called a 'Headbutt of Passion,' which is not what it sounds like." What is sounds like to GOB, that is. "The skull is the hardest bone in the body, but your brain is loose inside of it. So when two heads butt, your brains slosh around and it isn't pleasant. Unless you're into that kind of thing.."

"The second method is hitting your head on the wall or a headboard. This usually happens when the person on top isn't paying attention to their surroundings and gets too close to a hard surface. This is why you should never have sex in a room with an exposed brick wall without first scouting the room out. Brick walls hurt. Remember that."

"The third thing that could cause a concussion is having a partner who is into way rougher stuff than you were expecting. They may try to hit you with various things to help them get off, including clubs, individual bricks, passionate midgets, or their own impressive upper body strength into a punch. These people are dangerous, but you don't usually know it until you're both naked and they have a baton strapped to their leg."

"The fourth method involves debris falling from the ceiling. This will usually happen in older buildings with poorly constructed ceilings. Just noting here, if a ceiling collapses on you, you're not meant to get lucky that night. That's just a fact of nature."

"The fifth and final method of getting a concussion during sex only happens when you're outdoors and you're unlucky enough to be in the path of some kind of large animal, like a moose. Mooses hurt."

"Today you'll be breaking into groups of three and focusing on one of our five ways of getting a concussion during sex. You'll be coming up with a list of ways to prevent concussions from the way you choose. Remember, there are only three right prevention methods for each way, so think about it really hard and turn in a list of your three ways at the end of the day."

[OOC: Standard stuff blah blah blah.]

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Johnny followed suit, writing down Motorcycle sex at the top of his list. Hey, it seemed a great prevention method.

"Okay, one down, two to go." He was thinking again. There was that one time he made a hot tub in the side of that mountain of snow. That was pretty sweet. Johnny might be sitting here grinning, thinking just about that particular time.

Chad snorted a laugh, recognizing that grin. "Dude? Share with the rest of the class?"

He leaned towards Chad, lowering his voice, "When I first learned about my abilities with fire? I was snowboarding down this sweet slope with my oh-so-hot nurse. Got to going pretty fast and I shot off in a blaze of glory and landed in a pile of snow, melting it and everything around me. Picture me sitting in my own hot tub in the side a frosty white mountain." Johnny grinned and shrugged. "Hot nurse joined me. There was absolutely no head banging of any kind that could be considered harmful to your brain."

Chad had to admit, that? Was a pretty freakin' sweet story.

"So goes on the list," he said, writing down Hot tub sex and adding it to his own mental list of things he had to do.

"You bet," Johnny said and added it to his list.

"Your turn big guy," he said, waiting to hear something new to add to his own sexcapades.

Which would be a lot easier if his own sexcapades almost always didn't involve actual headbanging or a strong risk of headbanging, but he was a big guy...

After having to rule out a lot of options that came to his head (back alleys were dangerous, you could slip in the shower...), he only had this to offer:

"Clinic sex. 'Cause then if you do hit your head, asprin's close at hand. Also? Only way to actually get me to stay in a clinic."

"Clinic sex. Niiiice," Johnny quirked his lips and nodded. "Will certainly have to take that into consideration, what with aspirin being close and all that."

He bent over and quickly added that to his list.

"So we've got Motorcycle Sex, Hot Tub Sex, and Clinic Sex. Who could go wrong there?"

"Definitely preventative measures I can get behind," Chad agreed. "Who's gonna go hand the list in?"

"Don't matter to me. I think GOB is going to be pretty dang pleased with our thought process."

Inara, still a little gobsmacked by the lecture, finally remembered that she was supposed to be doing something. "Do you mind if I join you?" She asked her cabinmates.

Chad entirely blamed the topic under discussion for what came to mind when Inara asked to join Johnny and himself.

With a slight shake of his head, he remembered that that was so not what she meant. "Course not," he said, with a small smile. No, he wasn't blushing. You couldn't see it anyway. "'Cept we already finished our list....Third opinion's good, though."

Johnny stared at Inara and just...stared, cause he might have been having thoughts that he shouldn't be having in a classroom.

It took Chad opening his mouth before Johnny sort of lasped out of his very pleasant thoughts. He shared a look with Chad then looked back at Inara. "Yeah...we could, uh, use a third opinion here."

"Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to get here late?" She apologized, "Opinion on what?"

"Preventative measures against hitting your head on things during sex," Chad explained, knocking on the side of his head a little as if to demonstrate. "Johnny, wanna tell her what we've got?"

Johnny tapped his head too, "So we don't rattle our brain around and make it totally disfunctional." He nodded.

"Okay, we've got Motorcycle Sex," and he paused here, looking at Inara to see if that might've sparked an interest.

Inara was already biting the inside of her cheek to keep from laughing. "I see. Two questions: What's a motorcycle, and what's the preventative measure?"

"Motorcycle's a vehicle," Chad explained, hands out in front of him to illustrate, despite not being particularly illustrative regarding motorcycles. "Like a bike, but with more engines and chrome. The preventative measure is that there's no headboard."

After a moment, he realized another benefit, "Plus, you're supposed to wear helmets on a motorcycle."

"In this particular case, the motorcycle is stationary but revved and the girl is facing the guy, straddling his hips--" Johnny quirked his lips and shared another look with Chad. Too much detail?

Looking back at Inara, he smiled, "See, the motorcycle is wide open, nothing to crack your skull against, thus preventative measures have been taken."

She wasn't so sure. "But then you're relying on the man's leg strength to support both two people and the weight of the motorcycle, which it sounds like is considerable," Inara explained, wondering if she would have to demonstrate, "Since the goal of proper sexual intercourse is to make a person almost completely lose muscular control, won't they either have to have an unsatisfying experience or fall over?"

Chad just sort of blinked at Inara a few times. Did she really think something like strength would be an issue here? And he always thought the goal of proper sexual intercourse would be to make the participants orgasm, which was...oh. Wait. Still, you didn't lose that much control. He was wondering if maybe they'd have to demonstrate...

Johnny was grinning, he couldn't help it. He knew exactly how this worked.

"Perhaps a demonstration is in order?"

Inara raised her eyebrows at Johnny and Chad, definitely more comfortable talking about the mechanics of sex in a classroom setting. Obviously they just weren't doing things properly. "That's probably a good idea. Which one of you wants to be on the bottom?"

This was totally a very important detail that had to be worked out for the sake of the perspective of their list, Chad reminded himself, especially as a part of his brain (most of his brain) knew better and was making him both blush and sweat and was also trying to remind him that this was not going to end up good for him in the very, very long run.

Thankfully for Chad at that moment, he never really did think about things like that at times like these. His eyes slid over to Johnny for a second. "Well, I'm stronger," he pointed out, in suggesting that he'd be able to support Inara and keep her supported better.

Johnny was just going with the flow, and he waved his hand, grinning at Inara and Chad, "Go for it big guy," Then he folded his arms across his chest, seeing how this little demonstration played out, cause certainly Inara hadn't meant that he and Chad were supposed to demonstrate for her. Surely not.

Inara pursed her lips and considered Chad, then Johnny. "You're the ones who are determined to prove me wrong, so I think you two should demonstrate," she decided with a businesslike nod, "and Johnny, since you're on top, whether you're facing toward or away from Chad is up to you, since you know what kind of stimulation would suit you best."

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