fandomhigh | Sex Ed the GOB Bluth Way #4, Monday, Period 3

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sex ed

Sex Ed the GOB Bluth Way #4, Monday, Period 3

GOB walked up to the now common sight of the dry erase board covered with a sheet. He was wearing a long-sleeved shirt and sweater combination to project an aura of responsibility. That may have been a mistake during the middle of summer.

"Well, children," he said, trying to exude the air of a children's show host, albeit one who the state had to warn the people in the neighborhood about due to Megan's Law, "I just wanted to remind you what we're all doing here. I'm here to teach you how to be responsible if you give into your hormones and try to screw each other like animals. I'm not trying to promote it, I'm just trying to teach you how to do it safely and intelligently. After all, the only thing I really want is to make sure that you all grow up to be responsible adults."

"That's why today we'll be discussing safe sex. Specifically..." GOB pulled the sheet off the board, revealing the lesson name, "Ways to Avoid Concussions During Sex."

The sad part was that GOB was trying to be sincere in giving the students a lesson in safety and responsibility today.

"There are about three times as many ways to avoid concussions as there are to cause them. And there are five ways to cause them during sex, so that should give us about 13 ways to prevent them." GOB's math was impeccable. "To keep this nice and easy, let's look at the ways that you can get a concussion during sex."

"First, head to head contact. No, I'm not talking about when two gay guys have unintentional crotch-to-crotch contact," GOB said. It was a joke. He was being lighthearted and friendly, but responsible. "No, this is when you're either not paying attention or you're just going loose above the shoulders and you and your partner commit what is called a 'Headbutt of Passion,' which is not what it sounds like." What is sounds like to GOB, that is. "The skull is the hardest bone in the body, but your brain is loose inside of it. So when two heads butt, your brains slosh around and it isn't pleasant. Unless you're into that kind of thing.."

"The second method is hitting your head on the wall or a headboard. This usually happens when the person on top isn't paying attention to their surroundings and gets too close to a hard surface. This is why you should never have sex in a room with an exposed brick wall without first scouting the room out. Brick walls hurt. Remember that."

"The third thing that could cause a concussion is having a partner who is into way rougher stuff than you were expecting. They may try to hit you with various things to help them get off, including clubs, individual bricks, passionate midgets, or their own impressive upper body strength into a punch. These people are dangerous, but you don't usually know it until you're both naked and they have a baton strapped to their leg."

"The fourth method involves debris falling from the ceiling. This will usually happen in older buildings with poorly constructed ceilings. Just noting here, if a ceiling collapses on you, you're not meant to get lucky that night. That's just a fact of nature."

"The fifth and final method of getting a concussion during sex only happens when you're outdoors and you're unlucky enough to be in the path of some kind of large animal, like a moose. Mooses hurt."

"Today you'll be breaking into groups of three and focusing on one of our five ways of getting a concussion during sex. You'll be coming up with a list of ways to prevent concussions from the way you choose. Remember, there are only three right prevention methods for each way, so think about it really hard and turn in a list of your three ways at the end of the day."

[OOC: Standard stuff blah blah blah.]

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Johnny was flailing a little inside. Okay. More than a little. His face might have paled slightly. But...hey, clothes were on and everythiing so okay...he could do this.

But Chad did make a very impressive point. "Right. We don't have a motorcycle."

"You could use a chair?" She suggested, "Or two chairs? Maybe a table or desk? Or maybe someone has a motorcycle we could borrow?"

"Table'd be too high and flat," Chad said, and almost couldn't believe he was suggesting this. Still, somehow, he felt that this would end up being...safest for him. If kinda of...weird and dirty. "I could do it. And then Johnny could get on me like I was the motorcycle, and Inara would get on Johnny, and we'll prove our point." Okay, really dirty. But this was for, like...science or something. "Besides, Inara, you have to be in that position to see what we mean, otherwise, we could just try it and be all 'Oh, yeah, totally works' and you'd have to take our word for it."

Johnny swallowed hard. This was...maaan, this was way dirty. This was like a threesome or something but clothed!

He wasn't going to be the odd man out, so to speak. And he certainly didn't want them to think he couldn't do this. He could do this. He could...

"Okay," he shrugged, trying to be cool. Getting up, he neared Chad, "Uh, how you wanna position yourself, cause if your the motorcycle and I'm riding you, then, uh, my legs are going to need to be spread, my feet to the ground."

Inara wasn't sure how it had happened, but things had gotten completely out of hand. "Wait. Won't we have a vibration problem? I thought that was one of the big things you were describing as a stimulant with this method?"

Chad found himself surprisingly quick to jump on any hole in this plan because the only good thing that could possibly come out of this was that at least they'd moved back into the dorms today and wouldn't have to be living to look at each other in the cabin every day. "That is true," he said. "I don't vibrate."

Johnny just wanted to get this done and prove a point. Whatever that point was because he might have lost it somewhere back there...somewhere.

"I'll make vroom vroom sounds, Inara. Will that work? I'll even heat my body to go with the warmth of the engine? Sound okay?" Oh, Lord.

"I don't know, I've never been on a motorcycle before, so I have no idea if the sensations are similar, but if you want to ride the, ah, ~~Chad~~ motorcycle, that's up to you," she shrugged.

Which just left Chad glancing over to Johnny because, really, what else was he supposed to do? Suggest outside of class experimentation? The male machismo in him wasn't about to allow him to offer something that involved Johnny, Inara, and a motorcycle alone. Meanwhile, subtracting Johnny and putting himself into the equation would get him in a lot of trouble. ...

"Well, see Inara, you wouldn't really be riding the motorcycle. You would uh," Johnny glanced at Chad then looked up at something up...there. "You would be riding me, and I would be riding the motorcycle. But let's keep in mind, no one is really riding the motorcycle cause it's stationary. It's just revved up, heated and humming, and..." He looked back at her and shrugged, "I, uh, have a motorcycle in the garage."

Inara cleared her throat, "Um, maybe we should just move on to the second one, and add a note that you could get broken limbs instead of a concussion, even if you are wearing a helmet?"

"The assignment was for concussions, yeah, not broken bones, so..."

Yes. Next one sounded very good. "Uhh, next one. Hot tub sex."

He was positive Inara couldn't have an objection to this one.

Johnny had no objection moving on. Except he was really stuck on that motorcyle scene.

"Right. Hot tub sex. Perfect."

"Are you using lubricant? Because otherwise, that's just painful," Inara asked, just out of curiosity, "Also, you can slip and fall in the hot tub, since most are made of tile, if they're anything like hot pools."

Chad was just quiet for a moment. Yes, it was really hot and awesome when a chick knew her stuff, but Inara was breaching on being a bit too technical on details here. "Um, well, in Johnny's example, it was made of snow or something."

No, that didn't make any sense, but Chad didn't realize this because, well, he was thinking about hot tub sex.

Johnny was nodding. "It was made of snow and I think having or not having lubricant is a personal decision of whomever might or might not want it. It doesn't affect your head." Yes. He kind of was wondering how many times Inara has had painful sex.

And he might not be making sense either because he was totally thinking about hot tub sex that he'd had. With a girl. In the snow.

Inara hadn't had sex of any kind, painful or not, but wasn't about to mention that to Chad and Johnny. "I was just curious about that part. And how can you have a hot tub in the snow? Doesn't it just get cold?"

"Flame-y...stuff," Chad said, because it was pretty much the only thing he could contribute on this one. This one was all Johnny's; it's the third preventative measure that was all his.

"I made it?" he said, blushing slightly. And he hated to blush. Hated it. "I can kind of manipulate fire." And now he realized she didn't know what he meant when he said that he could warm his body when they were talking about the motorcycle. And that only made him blush more.

"You made it?" She asked, then processed what he'd said, blushing a little as she caught up, "Oh. So, this scenario is very specific to you, then?"

"Well, other hot tubs aren't in the snow and have less slippery surfaces," Chad pointed out helpfully. "Or like in Japan, with all the hot springs, and they're natural rock and stuff."

Johnny pinched the bridge of his nose and nodded at Inara, but as Chad started explaining about hot tubs, hopefully her attention would drift over to that and to eventually their third preventative measure.

"Oh, that sounds much more like what I'm used to," she said with a nod, "and what's the preventive measure?"

"Can't get a concussion if you hit your head on water." Chad shrugged. Their minds were clearly very simple ones.

"Or snow," Johnny added. Clearly simple minded.

Sex Ed the GOB Bluth Way #4, Monday, Period 3

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