fandomhigh | Powers, Identity, and The World; Embracing the Real You

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powers and identity

Powers, Identity, and The World; Embracing the Real You - Friday, Period One

//Right. So... We don't have much of a discussion prepared for today,// Jono admitted, looking a touch sheepish. //This semester apparently hasn't been much good for that. But we haven't cashed in our 'movie day' get out of jail free card yet, either, so I found an old episode of the Y-People cartoon to show, and then we can discuss it afterward. How you felt about the situation of the young girl, your opinion on the animation, whatever you wish. It's topical, at least.//

He shrugged his shoulders, and then slid a Y-People VHS into an old VCR, because that was just how the 90s rolled, okay?

[Open!]

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There was another long pause before Jonothon spoke again.

//I can't say it's okay,// he said, carefully. //You deliberately went through my things and walked away with one of the few possessions I have left to remember somebody that I loved by. Nothing about that is okay. It never will be.//

Which... was harsh. But true. All the more true now, weeks after the fact. And for such a stupid trinket. No better than his own.

The hell of it was, he could see himself doing something just as selfish, back when he was her age. And now he just felt tired.

//Did you know what it was, when you took it?//

Kathy shook her head. "It was a letter. That's all I knew. And--it didn't seem right to read it." Which sounded stupid, considering she had been stealing it, but there it was.

She slowly straightened, though she kept her head bowed. She didn't really have the right to look him in the eyes right now.

"Maybe I just didn't want to know the full scope of what I was doing," she admitted. "It's hard to say anymore. I'm not really inclined to give myself the benefit of the doubt right now."

Maybe she didn't know the full scope of what she was doing. Maybe she had convinced herself that so long as she didn't look and didn't realize what was in the letter, it wasn't so bad as her conscience had been telling her.

He reached into his pocket, pulled out the little green piece of paper, unfolded it, and wordlessly held it out to her, in front of her face.

//You can apologize,// he said, carefully, //and you can tear yourself apart and talk yourself down if you feel you need to. But I want you to understand that if you stop yourself from looking, if you refuse to see the full scope of the consequences of your actions, you're missing too damn much of the bigger picture. And if you want to be a good person in this world, if you want to actually help people, you need to understand that your choices will have repercussions, even if you never see them. I don't know how you justified this to yourself. Frankly, I don't care. I just want to know you understand.//

Kathy darted a questioning glance up at Mr. Starsmore, then quickly looked back down to the letter, reaching out to take it from him.

She really, really didn't want to know what was in it. Which meant that he was right and she needed to see it and fully understand. She owed him this, even though she was sure he was really doing it for her.

And she couldn't help but bite her hip as she read the scant few lines. So short, but so much emotion packed into it. She'd taken the final goodbye between him and his love. She didn't know what to say. She didn't know what there was to say. She wasn't sure if she could even say anything she thought of around the sudden lump in her throat.

The hand that reached out to return the letter shook.

//She died shortly after writing this,// Jono replied, a little more gently, as he took the letter back and gingerly folded it again to place it back into his pocket. //When you took it from me, that was one of a very small number of times I didn't have that letter with me, since.//

His hand remained in his pocket, there with the letter. It was a tether, a reminder that there were still beautiful things in the world, no matter how ugly the world seemed.

//That's the sort of mark a person can make in this world,// he continued. //They can choose to make the world a better place, or a worse one. Or they can cause so much more damage than they had ever intended, regardless of their intentions. It's far less often something beautiful happens by accident. We're strong. Humanity is all too strong. But we're at the same time fragile, if you aren't careful of the cracks.//

Kathy nodded, tears stinging at her eyes. "I--I am so sorry," she said again, because what else was there for her to say? "I hurt you worse than I knew and it doesn't matter how many times I say I'm sorry because it's not good enough but I am."

She should have been stronger, been better, been able to ignore than mental compulsion. She hadn't been and she'd nearly separated Mr. Starsmore from the last memento he had of a dead girlfriend.

She was horrible.

Well, he had other mementos. But not many in her hands, in her words. He shrugged a little, not completely certain what to do, now that he knew who had taken it and he had her apology.

//You know not to do it again,// he said, finally. //You might not have been completely yourself, which doesn't excuse what you did, not really, but it does mean I understand. And I understand what it's like to wish so strongly to see some good come out of your life. I've been there, too.//

And that one had--probably--been the last.

She wanted to tell him how afraid she was that even after all her hard work, she wouldn't amount to anything--nothing that really counted, anyway. Afraid that she could ace school and her exams and even breeze through college and yet nothing would change for her. That she'd always be Banzai, running so fast and never catching up, and Kathy, quiet and overlooked, two separate halves and neither where they wanted to be.

But could she really pour out all her fears and worries to someone after wronging them so? Would it help him understand, or just be more selfishness, making him responsible for her emotions?

Kathy wasn't sure.

"I can avoid taking your classes in the future, if you'd like," she mumbled instead. "If you'd rather not--not have me in your classes. I'd understand."

Jono tilted his head a little at that.

//I'd question if maybe you need to learn some of the things I have to teach more than some,// he noted, a touch wryly. //I have no plans to teach again in the immediate future, I'm taking at least a few months off, I think. But I wouldn't be upset to find you in a future classroom of mine, even after this.//

He shrugged. It was true enough.

//You know what kills me about this, Kathy? What really eats at me the most about what you did?//

Kathy just shook her head. "No sir. What?"

.. Ugh, sir. Jono refrained from making a face, though. He shrugged, instead.

//That you have so much bloody potential, Kathy, and you needed to sell your soul for a cursed mirror in order to even begin to believe that.//

"I--"

That wasn't what she expected him to say. She wasn't sure what she expected, really, but it wasn't that. Maybe for him to take her to task for needed two weeks to do the right thing?

But not this. Not for him to be disappointed for her as well as at her.

"I know I have potential, sir." Sorry Jono. The more unsettled she felt in front of authority, the more formal she got. "I've been trying to live up to it my whole life?"

Jono shook his head a little.

//I'm not talking about whatever potential it is that the world around you has defined for you. That potential isn't worth the breath that was used to speak about it,// he said, simply. //I mean actual, real potential. The sort that you define. Those glimpses that you caught of yourself in that fantasy trinket are nothing compared to whatever it is that you could someday make of yourself.//

"I've never--"

He just liked leaving her at a loss for words. That was the only thing Kathy could really figure. He just liked saying things that were full of so much compassion and understanding that, even when delivered as a lecture and meant as one, she was just left staring at him, mouth open, like an idiot.

"You mean if I don't screw it up?" she asked, trying to put this conversation back onto a script that she knew the lines for.

//That's the great thing about the potential that you define,// Jono replied, shrugging his shoulders simply. //So long as you're living and breathing, you get as many chances as you're willing to give yourself. If you screw it up, do it again. Do it better. Anything less than that would be selling yourself short.//

Kathy mulled on that for a minute. Before now, talk of her potential had either been the goad to make her work harder or the lash for when she didn't live up to it.

"That's not how I'm used to thinking about it," she confessed.

//It isn't how a lot of people are used to thinking about it,// Jono replied. //Hell, it took me years to figure it out. 'Potential' was this far away, impossible thing that I could never live up to. It got less terrifying once I started setting realistic goals for myself and pushing myself to be better by my standards, not somebody else's.//

That didn't mean he was always smart about it, but at least he was somewhat more at peace with it.

"I know what I want, I'm just not always sure how to get there," Kathy said, voice quiet. "The mirror...it seemed to promise that I could. That I would. And that it could show me how."

They'd all seen how well that had gone.

//There's the trouble with oracles,// Jono noted. //It's one thing to have a window to your future. But if you do nothing but sit and watch for maybes, you'll miss your chance to embrace any of it.//

There was a pause, and then he gestured for the seat at the desk.

//If you'd like to talk about it, luv, I might have some idea of what it is you're aiming for.//

He'd spent plenty of time in tights. He liked to think he knew that sort of look about a person, by now.

Kathy took a seat, the whole line of her body uncertain. "You wouldn't mind?" she asked. "I mean, I wouldn't blame you if you just wanted me to go now that I've apologized."

//You're not the only one in the room who sold themselves to Gaunt,// Jono replied, shrugging easily as he leaned back against the desk. //I wouldn't mind in the least. It's what I'm here for.//

He was very careful to not say it was his job. While it technically was, that wasn't why he was here every week, after all. He hardly needed to draw a paycheque to get by, after all.

Not even leaving his money criminally under-utilized in a bank account somewhere the way he did. Not even an interest-bearing CD. A bank account. What was this, the 60's?

"Okay," she said, still looking like she wasn't entirely sure whether to believe him, but willing to extend the benefit of the doubt. "Looking back, though, it all seems pretty stupid. Petty. Like when you were little and you were convinced that the one thing you wanted in all the world was that year's huge media-tie-in toy."

//When I was little, the one thing I wanted more than anything was to be a rock star,// Jono offered, a little wryly. //Hannah Montana actually dragged me onto the stage once for a duet.//

A beat.

//Never again.//

Helpful, Jono.

//Still, it was what I wanted to be. Petty though it was. I can look back now and realize how ridiculous it was, but that doesn't change the fact that it was a large part of my identity.//

Edited 2015-04-19 00:41 (UTC)

"Well, the first thing it showed me was my acceptance letter to Stanford," she said, nervously playing with her hair. "Unconditional acceptance, a free ride based solely on merit, not financial need. My parents--I'd never seen them look so proud. And then it shifted to me, talking to some...people...I know. They're all older, more mature, more powerful. But they were listening to me and nodding. They respected me, saw me as an equal and valued person who had thoughts worth contributing."

//Powerful, luv?//

Look Kathy, Jono knew how this game was played. He'd been playing it for a long, long time.

//Peers of yours in your extracurricular hobbies?//

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