fandomhigh | Library [09/03]

After religions class, Dean thought that maybe he and Sammy needed to have a conversation so he grabbed a quick bite to eat at lunch then headed to the library to ~~pester~~ talk to his brother.

"Sammy? You here?"

Sam picked his head up at the sound of Dean's voice. "Yeah, I'm back here. I'll be out in a minute." He set the stack of books he was holding onto down where he'd hopefully remember them later, and came out to find Dean. "Hey, what are you doing here?"

"Had a spare before my next class, thought I'd stop by and let you keep me from getting bored," Dean said with a grin.

Sam laughed. "I can try, I guess. What's your next class?"

"Project Top Fandom Runway Model or something," Dean said with a distinct lack of enthusiasm. "They really gotta fix the computer that makes up the class rosters."

"No, they really don't," Sam said, laughing harder. "I can't wait to hear about what you have to do for that class."

"Okay, you're supposed to be entertaining me, not the other way around," Dean grumbled.

"Oh, I'm very sorry," Sam said, making himself sound sincere. "How would you like to be entertained? I'm not letting you on the computer because you might look at something that will get me into trouble, so don't even think about it."

"The faith you have in me is underwhelming," Dean told him. "Speaking of...what's this whole praying thing?"

Sam stopped and just looked at Dean for a few moments before going to sit back behind the desk. "I told you, it's not a big deal. Lots of people pray, it's not like I'm doing something weird."

"Weird I could understand, we do weird. I just don't get..." Dean shook his head, obviously confused. "I mean praying?"

"Okay, what is it you don't get?" Sam asked. "I know in class you said you believe in what you can see but...there's more to it than that, right?"

"Mom prayed," Dean said quietly.

Oh. "She did?" Sam replied. "I didn't know that."

"Every night when she put me to bed she told me angels were watching over me." He glanced at Sammy, smiled humourlessly. "Turns out it wasn't angels that were watching us."

"I'm sorry. I didn't know," Sam said again. "But you can't just discount having faith because of what happened to Mom. You and I got out alive. Maybe there was something watching over us."

"Yeah, Dad was," Dean said. He shook his head. "If there is a god, then he let Mom burn. He lets all the horrible evil roam and destroy lives at will while he just sits and watches? That's not exactly someone I want to believe in."

"I don't think it works like that," Sam said. "I mean, there can't just be evil out there. There has to be something or someone good to balance it all out. And I can't explain why a benevolent god would have let Mom die, but he let you come out of that portal safe and sound."

Dean gave Sammy a sharp look, putting that together with the time frame his brother had mentioned in class. "That's when you started praying? When I disappeared?"

Sam nodded slowly. "The day after you disappeared was the first time I really sat down and consciously prayed. I prayed that you'd be all right, and that we'd get you out. And then after a while, I started praying for Dad too, to make sure that he'd stay safe. After that, it just kind of became an everyday thing for me. And it's worked, because you're both here and you're both still fine."

"And you think the praying helped?" Dean asked quietly.

"Yeah, I do," Sam replied. "I just can't believe that there isn't some higher power out there watching over us, because if all there is is evil, then what's the point?"

It was something Dean thought about when he was feeling particularly depressed, but he'd never been quite able to bring himself to believe.

He sighed. "I wish I had your... hope, Sammy."

Sam sighed as well, giving Dean a sympathetic look. "I wish you did too. But I guess I kind of understand why you don't."

"Yeah." Dean shook himself, trying to get rid of the wistful melancholy that was trying to settle on him. "Hey, who knows? Maybe this class will change my mind. Something for you to shoot for, Mr. TA."

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