fandomhigh | How to Be an Entertainer Workshop #6, Caritas, 06.28.06, Afternoon

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How to Be an Entertainer Workshop #6, Caritas, 06.28.06, Afternoon

"Lounge singing is an important form of entertainment. It's where cheesy singers go to die over the course of forty years," GOB said as soon as everyone was in Caritas. "The great thing about lounge singing is that it doesn't matter what piece of crap music you pick up or what genre it is - rock, rap, country, polka - all you have to do is give it a certain bit of ~~smarm~~ charm and you've got yourself a lounge hit."

"A good lounge performance requires three things: first, a slightly hacky piano player. The drummer from the Zombie Band will be playing piano for us. Second, you need a conversational tone. Talk to the people in the audience between lines in the song. Maybe joke and laugh a little. Show as much charm as you can, even if it is greasy. Third, you need a drink in whatever hand you're not holding the microphone in. Getting sloshed helps with the charm thing."

"After today, you'll all be prepared to sing in crap restaurants that think they're better than they are, wedding receptions, and airports. Let's have some fun."

[OOC: Going up now before sleep for I am awake and stuff. Even though I may not sound it. Students get one free drink in the sign up thread. The bar is closed aside from that. No second helpings.]

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GOB was balancing a Scotch in his right hand - which was still in a cast after the vicious attack by Artie a week and a half ago - and holding the mic in his left.

"I thought I'd show you all how it was done before you took a shot at it. Hit it!"

The familiar intro of The Final Countdown began to come out of the competently played piano. GOB sauntered all over the stage, doing tricks like swinging the mic around and drinking his Scotch.

"It's nice to see you lovely ladies and gentlemen here today. I don't know about you, but sometimes I just need to get away with my lady. And when that happens, well, I tell her...

We're leaving together, darling
But still it's farewell
And maybe we'll come back,
To earth, who can tell? Not me, can any of you? Didn't think so.
Well, I guess there's nobody to blame
Now that we're leaving ground, oh yeah
Will things ever be the same again? Not likely, am I right?

It's the final countdown Not the first or the second, but
The final countdown

We're heading for Venus and still we stand tall Sign us up for the NBA, am I right?
Cause maybe they've seen us and welcome us all, yeah
With so many light years to go and things to be found, ugh
I'm sure that we'll all miss her so

It's the final countdown I won't be missing her, though
The final countdown Like we're not going to be doing it after we leave together. Right.

The final countdown, oh, yeah, the final countdown"

The zombie bass player joined in on the sax at this point. As the instumental part went on, GOB began to speak to the class.

"Now, I'm sure you're all going to do fine with this. Pick a song, lounge it up, have a drink and some fun. Also, next Friday is a talent show. We're doing that here. Everyone from this workshop is doing something. In groups, solo, I don't care how that works or what you do. But you're all doing something."

"Oh, the final countdown
Ooooooh
It's the final countdown
The final countdown Almost at the end, see the lounge through to the end
The final countdown
Ooooooh
It's the final countdown
We're leaving together!
The final countdown
We'll all miss her so Except for me
The final countdown Like I said, we're doing it.
The final countdown, yeah..."

"Okay, who's next?"

Jamie went on the stage, acted like a big lush, forgot the words to the song and then sat back down again.

"You could've done better, Peecup," GOB said. "You better bring it next week."

Jamie drunkenly says something slurringly incoherent complete with hand gestures that could be obscene but really aren't.

Joxer whispers to the zombie pianist before he takes the stage.

The glass of water firmly in one hand, he starts his song.

Billy solves his problems by calling up his mom "Isn't that polite of him?"
Heather solves her problems with drugs and alcohol "Bad Heather. Bad."
Daniel solves his problems with a doctor and the law Joxer shrugs.
But Malcolm has his own way and it's better than them all "You see where I'm going he-- Oh crap."

"Suck in that gut, project, put a little life into it!" Dead Joxer critiqued. "Do me proud, or else!"

Joxer gulped, but continued his song.

'Cause
Malcolm solves his problems with a chainsaw "That's right!"
Malcolm solves his problems with a chainsaw "How sweet."
Malcolm solves his problems with a chainsaw "I'm not even sure what a chainsaw is."
and he never has the same problem twice. "But it sure seems effective, doesn't it?" Joxer glared out at Dead Joxer.

Dead Joxer was giving Joxer a half-hearted golf clap.

Whether it's a bill or a cheque arriving late
Rancid marble cheese or a steak that's second rate "Like you!" Joxer said, pointing out at Dead Joxer.
Awful TV programs or a broken Elvis plate
Or his fiancee who dumps him because he's gaining weight "Also like you!" Joxer shouted, with another point.

Dead Joxer pointed to himself and gave an innocent 'Who, me?' look.

Malcolm solves his problems with a chainsaw "You heard me."
Malcolm solves his problems with a chainsaw "You know it."
Malcolm solves his problems with a chainsaw
and he never has the same problem twice.

"That's right, and it goes."

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagggggggghhhhhhhh
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagggggggghhhhhhhh

"Problem solved." Joxer pointed back out at Dead Joxer. "Got the idea, you old has-been? Leave me alone!"

Dead Joxer laughed. And stepped to the side.

To reveal he'd been standing in front of GOB the whole time.

"Oh, crap," Joxer said, as he face fell.

"Have fun on Saturday, Jockstrap," GOB said.

Joxer facepalmed.

"Sorry sir," he said, before walking off the stage, his head hung in defeat.

John takes the stage and tells the zombie drummer what to play.

As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
I take a look at my life and realize there's nothing left
Cause I've been blastin and laughing so long that
Even my mama thinks that my mind is gone

"And, you know, when your momma thinks you're insane? That's pretty damn bad. Let's give it up for all the momma's in the house!"

But I ain't never crossed a man that didn't deserve it
Me be treated like a punk, you know that's unheard of
You better watch how you talking, and where you walking
Or you and your homies might be lined in chalk

"I just hope it's pastel chalk!" John laughs and takes a sip of his milkshake. "White chalk makes my ass look big. Let's give it up for all the big assed people in the room!"

I really hate to trip, but I gotta loc
As they croak I see myself in the pistol smoke, fool
I'm the kinda G the little homies wanna be like
On my knees in the night
Sayin' prayers in the street light

"Praying in the street light? Come on, go inside where the light's better! Let's give it up for all the people who are going to make themselves go blind and have to get lasik laser vision surgery!"

John drinks the milkshake again and there's now a milkshake moustache on his face.

Been spending most their lives
Living in the Gangsta's Paradise
Been spending most their lives
Living in the Gangsta's Paradise

"Hey, it's better than spending all their time in Montana! Say hello to the cows for me! Let's give it up for all the cows in the room and I don't mean girls who might be cows but I didn't say that so don't kill me!"

Look at the situation, they got me facin
I can't live a normal life, I was raised by the strife
So I gotta be down with the hood team
Too much television watchin' got me chasin dreams

"Yeah, but Bob Barker kicks ass so there's no way I'm turning off the television. Let's give it up for Bob Barker!"

They been spending most their lives
Living in the Gangsta's Paradise
They been spending most their lives
Living in the Gangsta's Paradise
We keep spending most our lives
Living in the Gangsta's Paradise
We keep spending most our lives
Living in the Gangsta's Paradise

"This is paradise right here, folks! Audience paradise! I love you all and will give you my phone number! Except the cows."

And, for the grand finale, John dumps the milkshake over his head before taking a seat.

"Now that's how you do lounge music!" GOB said. "Robert Goulet would cry manly tears at that."

"Thanks!" John wipes milkshake out of his eyes and walks happily off stage.

River sang something in Chinese from a Kowloon Opera. It sounded a bit odd with the piano.

Greg murmured the name of the song to the zombie pianist, and added, slightly louder, "It is not a chick song, shut up!"

"Now it seems to me
That you know just what to say
But words are only words
Can you show me something else?

We all know what that means, huh? I'm all in favor of actions speaking louder than words. Especially if the actions involve stripping.

Can you swear to me
That you’ll always be this way?
Show me how you feel
More than ever, baby

I don’t wanna be lonely no more

...and the bad grammar is irrelevant,

I don’t wanna have to pay for this
I don’t want to know the lover at my door
It’s just another heartache on my list.

Heartache, one-night stand, whatever.

I don’t wanna be angry no more
You do know I could never stand for this
So when you tell me that you love me, know for sure
I don’t wanna be lonely anymore

Oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh, oh

Now it’s hard for me
When my heart’s still on the mend
Open up to me
Like you do your girlfriends

Which is really something I'd be interested in seeing, too. Pillow fights and negligées, anyone?

And you sing to me and it’s harmony
Girl, what you do to me is everything
Make me say anything just to get you back again
Why can’t we just try?

Oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh..."

Greg took the opportunity of the second chorus to attempt to lie on the piano.

He fell off it halfway through, so he decided just to sit on the edge of the stage. "Meant to do that!" he called.

"What if I was good to you?
What if you were good to me?
What if I could hold you till I feel you move inside of me?

That's not quite my thing, but more power to you and your kinks, Mr. Rob Thomas.

What if it was paradise?
What if we were symphonies?
What if I gave all my life
To find some way to stand beside you?

Oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh, oh

I don’t wanna be lonely anymore
I don’t wanna be lonely no more
I don’t wanna be lonely no more
I don’t wanna be lonely anymore...."

Greg gave a smirk and a bow before leaping off the stage and spilling his drink, woe.

And then he sat down before he could spaz out more.

"Not bad at all, Dorkface," GOB said. "Wait, after that, you need a new name. Not bad, Chick Song!"

"It's not a chick song!" Greg protested. "Rob Thomas is a manly man!"

"Hey, he gets the chicks, I'm not denying that," GOB said. "But he gets them by singing chick songs."

Kawalsky had his Jack and Coke in one hand and the microphone in the other.

"Thanks for coming out folks, it's lovely to see you all here at the wonderful Caritas," Kawalsky said and sipped his drink while the intro played.

"Load up on guns and bring your friends
It's fun to lose and to pretend
She's over bored and self assured
Oh no, I know a dirty word

Hello, hello, hello, how low? Well folks, how low?
Hello, hello, hello, how low?
Hello, hello, hello, how low?

Hello, hello, hello!

With the lights out, it's less dangerous
Here we are now, entertain us
I feel stupid and contagious
Here we are now, entertain us
A mulatto
An albino
A mosquito
My libido
Yeeeeah.

And you can find all of those things listed as cocktails here at Caritas, don't forget to tip your waiter, thank you and have a good night!"

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How to Be an Entertainer Workshop #6, Caritas, 06.28.06, Afternoon

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