Culinary Crimes; Tuesday, Second Period [05/25].

[somethingwithturquoise]

There was enough of Summer's humanity in tact that she wondered, briefly, if what she was about to do in class today would end up being too terrible even for her. After all, shouldn't some things be sacred? Shouldn't some things be left sacred?

And then she remembered Dante's disparaging looks regarding the okonomiyaki in Japan and decided, you know what? No. Some things maybe needed to be bastardized a little just to bring it down a peg or two.

"Morning, everyone!" Summer greeted them all cheerfully from the station at the front of the classroom. "Today's going to be a good one! Today, we're doing a classic staple that everyone," well, honestly, considering the people in her class, she wouldn't be surprised if quite a few of them were actually a little disdainful about most pizza, so the most everyone was implied, "enjoys, a favorite of overworked parents, bribing teachers, and college party-goers alike, and that's pizza!

"Now," she said, turning a little serious for a moment, "I don't want to hear anyone try to pull the 'well, that's not technically pizza because blah blah blah' stuff on me. We're working with mayo and pears and soup for these recipes, technically went out the window the moment we entered the class. Technically pizza, technically sane, technically fit for human consumption? All of them. Gone. Right out the window. So, without further ado, let's get some of these started so we can get them baking and see how they fare in the court of popular taste buds."

Comments

Sign In - CC, 05/25.

[somethingwithturquoise]

Mama Mia! Let's have some-a pizza!

Re: Sign In - CC, 05/25.

[chef_chocobro]

Ignis Scientia

Re: Sign In - CC, 05/25.

[stykera]

Stark

Re: Sign In - CC, 05/25.

[bookbeltof_love]

Nina Argentum

Re: Sign In - CC, 05/25.

[craic_killer]

Clare Devlin

The Recipes! - CC, 05/25.

[somethingwithturquoise]

As always, everything you need should be provided at your station to follow along with the instructions as Summer leads you on through this week's terrible journey.

"We'll be starting with the one that will need the longest to cook, which is also probably our most traditional as far as pizza goes, and yet somehow manages, for me, to be the worst out of all three of them. And that will be our tuna and pear pizza.

"And since we've got some time with letting our dough rise on that one, we can take a moment to get started on our meat-za," sorry, Liam!, "which is something that actually had a resurgance lately thanks to the whole keto-paleo-no carb diet crazes, but this one is special, because not only is this recipe classic, but it involves good old Campbell's Tomato Soup, because I don't know about you guys, but when I think 'pizza,' I think 'canned soup!' And interestingly enough, while the crust for this pizza will be slightly less involved, it's a million times worse because the meat is the crust."

Once their 'pizzas' were in the oven, baking away until their day of reckoning, there was one last recipe to tackle.

"Finally," Summer said, "we have a the Penthouse Pizza. Claiming to truly be a 'conversation maker on Park Avenue', this is a cold pizza...a salad pizza, almost, if you will, that uses our good, dear friend, Miracle Whip. And also crackers or cornflakes, your choice, hard-boiled eggs, cucumbers and tomato. I'm sure you're all as excited as I am."

So get cooking, everyone! Remember, if you don't feel like you need to take a shower after class to cleanse yourself of any of this, you're probably just not doing it right!

Re: The Recipes! - CC, 05/25.

[bookbeltof_love]

Nina was absolutely cringing her way through making these, while also keeping an eye out for her dad because the meatza disaster was...

Potentially a different sort of disaster when it came Dad.

"It's sad that the choice between crackers or cornflakes actually feels like a choice," she muttered, while making faces at the recipes.

It was also sad that the third recipe seemed the least horrible to her. So far. To make.

Re: The Recipes! - CC, 05/25.

[stykera]

"There's no reason to have the pears in this," Stark protested quietly as he worked on the first recipe. That poor unsuspecting fresh fruit! It might be ok, if unpleasantly fishy for pizza, without the pears.

The meat-za just seemed, in his opinion, to be a confused dish that perhaps actually aspired to be a burger but wasn't sure how to get there. At least a meat patty was a reasonable thing to make. He could concentrate on that for now and pretend the soup wasn't going to be a messy disaster.

And then there was the final recipe. That required a lot of very resigned sighs during its preparation.

Re: The Recipes! - CC, 05/25.

[craic_killer]

After a brief foray into Friday night pizza after Michelle had gotten them all banned from the chippy, Clare considered herself to be quite the gourmand.

"We could eat this in Lent," Clare said, making the first pizza, "but whyyyyy."

Re: The Recipes! - CC, 05/25.

[bookbeltof_love]

"It's, like, the epitome of 'just because you can doesn't mean you should'," Nina opined, eyeing her options doubtfully. "Do you think Summer would notice if I left off basically everything gross?????????"

Yes, Nina, and you knew that.

Re: The Recipes! - CC, 05/25.

[craic_killer]

"You'd just have bread," Clare muttered.

Re: The Recipes! - CC, 05/25.

[bookbeltof_love]

"Bread would be better than the end result don't even pretend otherwise!!!!!!!!!!!" Nina said loftily.

Re: The Recipes! - CC, 05/25.

[firstofitskind]

This was fine! This was all super fine.

Liam maybe rushed his way through preparing that meat pizza just a bit, practically throwing it in the oven, before moving to a station as far as physically possible from the ovens to work on that last abomination.

Re: The Recipes! - CC, 05/25.

[bookbeltof_love]

Nina wasn't going to, like, embarrass her dad by asking in class if he was okay but she was going to give him a deeply commiserating look about the whole--

Thing of today.

Re: The Recipes! - CC, 05/25.

[firstofitskind]

Honestly, he was leaps and bounds doing better with the whole... thing... than he had been last year, you know? And if this class had involved making pizza with a normal amount of meat on it he wouldn’t have even blinked.

But far be it from this particular class to involve a normal amount of anything.

He shot Nina what he hoped was a reassuring smile back along with a thumbs-up.

Re: The Recipes! - CC, 05/25.

[bookbeltof_love]

She smiled, then made a face as she held up her options of crackers or cornflakes because which was better when both were terrible?

Though it was mostly the miracle whip that made this one terrible honestly.

Re: The Recipes! - CC, 05/25.

[stykera]

"Would the mice eat any of this?" Stark asked.

Or maybe the mice were more discerning. Maybe the mice loved themselves.

Re: The Recipes! - CC, 05/25.

[firstofitskind]

“Not a chance,” Liam shook his head. “Nowhere near enough cheese.”

The Trial! - CC, 05/25.

[somethingwithturquoise]

So grab a fork, dig in, and see where these recipes fall on a scale of 'actually not that bad' to 'somehow worse than bean popsicles'.

Finding something somehow worse than bean popsicles might be Summer's newest white whale...

Re: The Trial! - CC, 05/25.

[stykera]

"The pear doesn't go with the fish," Stark said. "And it's very fishy."

He'd work his way up to that final item eventually. Probably.

Talk to Summer - CC, 05/25.

[somethingwithturquoise]

She didn't bother with the meat-substitute for this one, because half of the disgust with a meat-za was how much grease and fat wound up emerging from that thing as it baked, and you just can't get that with fake meats, no matter how hard they try.

OOC - CC, 05/25.

[somethingwithturquoise]

Re: OOC - CC, 05/25.

[heroic_jawline]

Let's not get crazy there with the 1/8tsp of oregano.

Re: OOC - CC, 05/25.

[chef_chocobro]

Approximately three dried, crushed pieces of leaves. That's it. That's all you get.

Re: OOC - CC, 05/25.

[sharp_man]

That was one of the more appalling things - not even what's in it, but what *isn't*. Why are these people afraid of spice??