fandomhigh | Oh the Humanity!: Friendship is International Adventure, Thursday, period 1

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Oh the Humanity!: Friendship is International Adventure, Thursday, period 1

The class had been ~~handwavily~~ notified this week to come dressed for a warm, wet hike. Pinkie, for one, was wearing a cliche bright yellow raincoat, hat, and galoshes. Eliot was more traditionally decked out in waterproof hiking boots and a lightweight, rain-proof jacket. They had extras in case any of the students didn't get the message or were otherwise ill-prepared.

"Guess what, everypony?" Pinkie enthused when everyone was gathered and properly attired. "This week we're going to one of the most exotic places on this whole planet!"

"Unless you're actually from a tropical rainforest," Eliot pointed out. "Then it ain't exotic at all."

"It's so neat that they've even got their very own division of disease research!"

"We've got bug spray," Eliot noted. "I don't want anyone coming home with zika. Or malaria." Malaria sucked ass.

"There are fish there that eat people!"

"Which is why we're not going in the water," Eliot said.

"And big hungry jungle cats!"

"Actually, jaguars are relatively small compared to lions or tigers."

"And adorable giant river otters!"

"That can take out the caymans."

"And man eating sloths!"

Eliot shook his head. "Ain't even a thing."

"Then why do they have such large claws?"

The portal opened up behind them, which was good because Eliot had no idea how to respond to that. Instead, he gestured for Pinkie to the lead the way into the jungle.

"We're meeting a professional guide there. I know we usually let you all have some free reign on these trips, but this time, I gotta ask y'all to not wander off. Pinkie ain't got a firm grasp on reality, but the Amazon is not a place to fuck around." He smiled despite his hard tone. "It's just also not one to be missed, if ya can help it."

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"Hey, Eliot," the guide said when they paused for a break. "Is it true you once bit the heart out of a live snake to sell a bit?"

"Who told you that?" Eliot asked. ". . . it wasn't a live snake."

"Where is a snake's heart?" Hanna asked, from a little ways away, taking pictures of one. Looking intrigued.

"Little more than a hand's-width down from its head," Eliot said, complete with hand gestures.

"So, you did this to... convince someone you were on their side?" People were weird. Hanna reached out for the (non-poisonous, she could see it didn't have venom sacs!) snake, and stroked one hand down its scales. "I could do that, I think. I wouldn't, but. I could."

"Don't --" Eliot grimaced when she pet the wild animal. Just because it wasn't venomous didn't make it harmless. "We were workin' a job to take down a con man. I had to oversell to keep him distracted thinkin' about how terrible we all were at conning him."

That and Eliot just wanted the guy to shut up about being a damn shark.

"Now please just -- stop touchin' the Amazon, okay?"

Hanna withdrew her hand, looking somewhat mournful for a second. "But it's right here and so pretty." She took a picture of him with their guide, then of Pinkie scampering around. "This is what I'm going to do, after I graduate. Just go places. All the time."

She started hanging from her knees so she could get a picture of one of the hanging sloths from the right angle.

"Would you --" Hanna was going to give Eliot a heart attack. "Climbing trees is touching the Amazon!" He rubbed the bridge of his nose. "There are things here that ain't anything like what you're used to, darlin'. Most of which can kill you, or at least make your day pretty terrible. They're pretty to look at, and takin' pictures is fine, but you end up in the clinic with a funky allergic reaction or something and I'm pretty sure I'm at least gettin' written up."

Hanna took a picture of a really adorable monkey (http://travel.mongabay.com/pix/peru/tambopata-Tambopata_1028_4308.html), then in deference to Eliot's mental state, flipped off the branch and down to the ground. "How many times have you been here before?" She held out her arms for inspection, and then checked her legs. "Nothing is stinging. Or itching." Yet.

"And we're gonna keep it that way by stayin' on the guided path. Ain't just about them hurtin' you. It's real easy for us to accidentally hurt them, too." Eliot gestured with his head to get her to come in closer to the group. "I've been through this way a few times." Usually chased there by a small private army he'd just retrieved something from. "Got contacts over in Georgetown -- that's the capital. It's an easy place to disappear." He gave her a firm look. "And not in a good way, you ain't careful."

Hanna gave him a sober nod in return, and was more careful to stay on the trail now. "I know more about that, than jungle survival." She took another picture, this time of a Rodent of Unusual Size, or something similar. "But I like this, how warm it is, and all the animals..." She frowned a little and added, "But I wouldn't want to hurt them. Unless I was hunting for food, I promise."

That'd be a capybara, most likely. Like extremely large guinea pigs.

"Wasn't thinkin' you were wanting to," Eliot said. "This whole damn jungle's been at the mercy of folks with the best intentions the last few hundred years or so. Ain't done the place many favors."

"That is terrible." Hanna reached for a flower, but restrained herself from picking it, photographing it instead. "Would it be better if no one visited, do you think?"

"For the forest, definitely," Eliot said. "For humanity . . . not so much. Scientists are discoverin' new species out here every day. Mostly of bugs."

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Eliot was getting such a look for that.

Don't think Eliot didn't see that look. "What?" he asked.

"Why were you eating snake-hearts?" she asked.

Was this something she was going to have to do once she signed a contract? Because no one had mentioned this beforehand, just saying.

"One," Eliot said. "One snake heart. I was keepin' the mark off-balance."

"From a real snake?" she checked, just to make sure she was truly understanding the nuances of the situation.

Eliot shrugged. "Sure." He wasn't the sort to think ahead enough to bring a fake snake to South America just for a bit. "It was gonna attack us, so I took it out. Then -- saw an opportunity."

"...To eat its heart." How was that an opportunity, Eliot?

"To keep the guy off balance." Eliot sometimes made weird choices when he was trying to grift. "It was a tough job. We were workin' a con man. It was go big or go home and let him walk off with people's life savings."

"Oooh, trying to con a con man has to be tough," Kathy said, trying to think of how she'd take down someone who knew all of her moves in advance. "Could you explain how the snake thing was involved? I mean--yeah, off-balance, but that doesn't explain why you were doing it in the first place."

"I was a distraction," Eliot said. "We flew the bastard down to Latin America to take a look at cocoa fields and I was playin' his local guide. We were traipsin' through the brush and the snake just kinda -- showed up. Whole point was to be terrible con-men -- Nate called it the 'moonwalking bear' -- so I played up the crazy."

See? All totally reasonable.

"Got him so focused on how terrible you were and how much better he was that he stopped looking for the hook?" Kathy asked, intrigued. "That makes sense. The name is pretty stupid, but it's evocative enough."

She was still side-eyeing him a little though. Because: snake heart. Raw snake heart.

"I'm assuming he bought it?" Because, for a third time, snake heart.

Hey, snake was tasty.

It was admittedly usually better cooked.

"He bought that we were tryin' to con him, yeah," Eliot said. "Didn't even notice Hardison was drainin' his accounts and gatherin' evidence to turn him over to the feds."