fandomhigh | How to be a Hired Gun/Mercenary

This week the class was back in the Danger Shop where it looked like it had been turned into some sort of high tech saloon with a Sci-Fi Old West theme.

Hey. It was the way of Jayne's universe. Just roll with it.

"Sometimes when you make a deal you might stretch the truth a little," Jayne said leaning against the bar. "The difference being the amount of money which can keep you running or leaving you in the middle of a xióngmāo xiǎobiàn hú xíngxīng."¹

He pointed to a crate sitting in the middle of the room. "That there cargo is enough foodstuffs to feed about a hundred settlers for a year. Only catch is that every molecule is marked by the government and therefore illegal to smuggle and resell to the highest bidder. A fact you forgot to mention to your client."

Jayne then pointed at said clients. Who did not fit the space cowboy/high tech Old West theme at all.²

"And they ain't too happy about it. Your assignment is to come up with some fib to smooth it over or-"

"BECOME OUR QUEEN!"

Jayne frowned.

"What they said."

--------------------
¹ Panda piss pot of a planet.
² Jayne had trouble creating a new program in the Danger Shop and ended up with a villain from one of Reno's classes. Oops!

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Sorry Sparkle! The gnomes apparently were ~~from a kids show!~~ not willing to negotiate.

"These are our terms," the lead gnome said seriously. "It's either this or reduce the price."

"Laaaaame."

Sparkle, you were so outnumbered right now, was that really a good idea?

"Gimme the dress, then. I'll be the prettiest bride you little gnome guys have ever seen."

What? One squirrel bath (with Axe) didn't seem too terrible, in retrospect. It was all about weighing the consequences.

"It's just unfortunate, I guess..." He added, muttering to himself and shaking his head. "Poor little guys... Don't even know about the... the thing."

"We don't care about the thing. You agreed to our terms," the lead gnome said. "Now put on the dress and get ready to be squirreled."

"Yeah, you don't care, I know," Sparkle agreed, reaching for the dress, shrugging his way into it. "It's just real unfortunate. I mean, with the Samsquanch Influenza, and all..."

Look, it was a ridiculous name, but they were lawn gnomes who bathed in Axe. And rodents. But primarily Axe. Sparkle didn't figure he had to go for strict realism, here, so long as his acting sold it. And he was a goddamned thespian, here.

"Maybe you'll be safe... Who knows?"

"Sounds delicious," the gnome replied. "Dress. Now. Or give us a refund. And your cargo."

"Refund and the cargo? Now that's just poor business pra-ah-ahCHOO!"

That.... was possibly snot. On that one gnome there. Who was holding the dress nearest to Sparkle.

He sniffled and wiped his nose on the dress' sleeve.

These are guys who bathe with squirrels and Axe body scrub. You really think they're that picky about hygiene, Sparkle?

However insulting their business savvy was another thing.

The gnomes began to link arms to form a huge... well a bigger gnome (http://img2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20120616200158/gravityfalls/images/6/66/S1e1_gnome_monster_at_mystery_shack.png)

"THESE ARE OUR TERMS!"

SPARKLE HAD NOT SIGNED ON FOR THIS.

"Whoa! OKAY. Give me the damn squirrels! Like hell I'm taking a cut just because you guys are Legion, here. Full price for one Queen. Seems fair to me, yessir."

My, he looked dashing in that slightly snotty dress, there!

"I hate this fucking class," he mumbled. "This dress is, like, at least four years out of date."

How to be a Hired Gun/Mercenary

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