fandomhigh | How to be a Hired Gun/Mercenary

This week the class was back in the Danger Shop where it looked like it had been turned into some sort of high tech saloon with a Sci-Fi Old West theme.

Hey. It was the way of Jayne's universe. Just roll with it.

"Sometimes when you make a deal you might stretch the truth a little," Jayne said leaning against the bar. "The difference being the amount of money which can keep you running or leaving you in the middle of a xióngmāo xiǎobiàn hú xíngxīng."¹

He pointed to a crate sitting in the middle of the room. "That there cargo is enough foodstuffs to feed about a hundred settlers for a year. Only catch is that every molecule is marked by the government and therefore illegal to smuggle and resell to the highest bidder. A fact you forgot to mention to your client."

Jayne then pointed at said clients. Who did not fit the space cowboy/high tech Old West theme at all.²

"And they ain't too happy about it. Your assignment is to come up with some fib to smooth it over or-"

"BECOME OUR QUEEN!"

Jayne frowned.

"What they said."

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¹ Panda piss pot of a planet.
² Jayne had trouble creating a new program in the Danger Shop and ended up with a villain from one of Reno's classes. Oops!

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Lying!

Wonder at the quality of the lecture! Wonder why the clients look like a bunch of gnomes.

Come up with a lie that will subdue the clients/gnomes anger!

Aka: The TA!

He's capable of a conversation!

The villains are Shannon's fault for getting me addicted to Gravity Falls.

Eleanor Lamb

Eleanor glanced from the cargo, to Jayne, to the ... clients again.

"What exactly do you ask of a potential queen?"

These were important questions.

Mara Jade

Mara looked interested as well. "I'm not sleeping with any of them," she said in an undertone to Eleanor. "There are standards."

Garik Loran

Sparkle

Face grinned. It was possibly not the nicest grin he would ever make.

"Gentlebeings," he declared. "We have heard of your need for a queen and have come with the specific goal of meeting that need. If I may direct your attention towards this way."

Yes, that was Jayne he was pointing at.

"As you can see our royal candidate has a most majestic and regal bearing, and would be sure to satisfy even the most stringent dynastic needs. As I am sure you'll find the match most agreeable, there remains only a question of dowry."

There was a long pause here while Sparkle considered just what was going on, here.

"... If I'm Queen, does that mean you guys have to do what I say?"

Because, really, Sparkle was seeing no downsides to this. A couple thousand lawn gnome minions? Fuck yes!

VICTORY IS MIIIIINE.

I'm not even remotely apologetic.

"SQUIRREL BATHS!" (http://img3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20130720062251/gravityfalls/images/f/ff/S1e20_squirrel_bath.jpg) all the gnomes shouted in unison.

Except for one who shouted "Shmebulock!" but he seemed in agreement with the squirrel baths.

All the gnomes crossed their arms and scowled at Face.

"That's a guy."

They weren't going to be fooled by this.

~~Again.~~

"It means you get to be our blushing bride!" one of the gnomes declared.

The rest let out a huzzah in unison. Except for the one yelling "Shmebulock!"

Face was affronted, terribly affronted at the idea he was trying to fool them.

"How incredibly small minded of you." Face's tone made it clear he wasn't mad, he was disappointed. "Saying he can't be your queen just because he's a man. Really, you should be ashamed of yourselves for not even considering the possibility he'd make a fine queen, if not the finest queen just because of a little matter of gender."

Shame, shame, shame.

Sparkle drummed his fingers against his hip a few times in thought.

"What if I'm, like, no good at blushing? I'm way too shameless for that, guys." A beat. "But, I mean, if I'm your Queen, you'll be happy to know I throw some kickass parties."

... Sparkle, you were supposed to be trying not to become their Queen.

Edited 2014-09-22 13:25 (UTC)

"He's also ugly. You on the other hand."

Yep. That was a tiger growl coming from the gnome shouting schmebulock.

Oh, like the gnomes had been the only ones who had ever creeped on him. "I'm flattered, but I'm already otherwise spoken for."

"Besides looks aren't everything, especially when looking for a queen. For a ruler you want someone robust and rugged, with the strength to support you when times get tough, not some delicate wisp of a thing." He lowered his voice conspiratorially. "Besides, I hear he really enjoys squirrel baths."

"He's still ugly," the gnome said shaking his head. "We refuse to pay the original price for our cargo unless you be our queen."

"OUR QUEEN!" the gnomes shouted in celebration. A group of them headed toward Sparkle with a wedding dress they apparently had all ready for this occasion.

"First the marriage and then our ritual squirrel bath!"

Sparkle was mostly just impressed that they had a dress all ready in his size. It wasn't like he didn't cross-dress for funsies from time to time anyway.

"... What exactly does a squirrel bath consist of?"

This was still not sounding any worse than being busted by the government, for the record.

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How to be a Hired Gun/Mercenary

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Talk to Jayne!

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