fandomhigh | How to be a Hired Gun/Mercenary

This week the class was back in the Danger Shop where it looked like it had been turned into some sort of high tech saloon with a Sci-Fi Old West theme.

Hey. It was the way of Jayne's universe. Just roll with it.

"Sometimes when you make a deal you might stretch the truth a little," Jayne said leaning against the bar. "The difference being the amount of money which can keep you running or leaving you in the middle of a xióngmāo xiǎobiàn hú xíngxīng."¹

He pointed to a crate sitting in the middle of the room. "That there cargo is enough foodstuffs to feed about a hundred settlers for a year. Only catch is that every molecule is marked by the government and therefore illegal to smuggle and resell to the highest bidder. A fact you forgot to mention to your client."

Jayne then pointed at said clients. Who did not fit the space cowboy/high tech Old West theme at all.²

"And they ain't too happy about it. Your assignment is to come up with some fib to smooth it over or-"

"BECOME OUR QUEEN!"

Jayne frowned.

"What they said."

--------------------
¹ Panda piss pot of a planet.
² Jayne had trouble creating a new program in the Danger Shop and ended up with a villain from one of Reno's classes. Oops!

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Face grinned. It was possibly not the nicest grin he would ever make.

"Gentlebeings," he declared. "We have heard of your need for a queen and have come with the specific goal of meeting that need. If I may direct your attention towards this way."

Yes, that was Jayne he was pointing at.

"As you can see our royal candidate has a most majestic and regal bearing, and would be sure to satisfy even the most stringent dynastic needs. As I am sure you'll find the match most agreeable, there remains only a question of dowry."

All the gnomes crossed their arms and scowled at Face.

"That's a guy."

They weren't going to be fooled by this.

~~Again.~~

Face was affronted, terribly affronted at the idea he was trying to fool them.

"How incredibly small minded of you." Face's tone made it clear he wasn't mad, he was disappointed. "Saying he can't be your queen just because he's a man. Really, you should be ashamed of yourselves for not even considering the possibility he'd make a fine queen, if not the finest queen just because of a little matter of gender."

Shame, shame, shame.

"He's also ugly. You on the other hand."

Yep. That was a tiger growl coming from the gnome shouting schmebulock.

Oh, like the gnomes had been the only ones who had ever creeped on him. "I'm flattered, but I'm already otherwise spoken for."

"Besides looks aren't everything, especially when looking for a queen. For a ruler you want someone robust and rugged, with the strength to support you when times get tough, not some delicate wisp of a thing." He lowered his voice conspiratorially. "Besides, I hear he really enjoys squirrel baths."

"He's still ugly," the gnome said shaking his head. "We refuse to pay the original price for our cargo unless you be our queen."

"If that's what it takes." Face sighed, dramatically. "I mean you'll have to fight my current spouse to the death first so I'm free to marry you, but I'm sure at least one of you is up to the challenge."

"That. Is not a problem."

The gnomes began to converge, linking arms and legs and moving in unison to create... well something scary (http://img2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20120616200158/gravityfalls/images/6/66/S1e1_gnome_monster_at_mystery_shack.png).

"BRING ON THE SPOUSE!"

That was unexpected.

Still, Face rolled his eyes as if this were a thing he saw every day. Acting! "They're not here," he said. "Glarblast the Destroyer, Scourge of the Galaxy, may their wrath fall elsewhere, is back home. With the children."

"Then keep your cargo," said the lead gnome as he popped out of the giant gnome-thing's armpit. "And we'll keep our money."

Face paused, as if thinking about it. "Well, I guess there's one thing I can do..."

How to be a Hired Gun/Mercenary

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