fandomhigh | Doctoring 101, Thursday, Per. 01

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Doctoring 101, Thursday, Per. 01

Their teacher had met them at beach today, waiting for them to disembark the ferry. "Let's go!" she said, slightly muffled under her heavy cloak and plague doctor gear. "No classroom today, kids! We're going on an adventure! Rule number one of being a doctor: always be ready for adventure!"

You might have thought that the first rule of a doctor was something else, perhaps along the lines of 'do no harm,' but you would be wrong. And that was why Navaan was teaching this course and you weren't.

"So, apparently there're these portal thingies that can take us to lots of places," Navaan chatted as they walked. "Some kind of magic or other. Which is great, because we need to go somewhere else than this island. I totally tried to stock the pond in the park, but all the stupid birds ate my precious babies, so we're off to somewhere we can get them instead!" She paused and looked at her assembled class. "Hmm. Maybe I should have told you to wear ratty clothes. And waders. Maybe some waterproof boots." And then she shrugged, merrily putting it out of her mind. "Oh well. Too late now. Hope no one's wearing anything nice, because here's our portal!"

Their portal delivered them right in the middle of a swamp. The lucky students exited onto the strip of dry land. Any unlucky ones (and Navaan herself) landed directly in the bog, sinking to roughly knee-height in the dark water. It was night there, the sky dark and cloudy, with a lot of dead trees reaching up towards it. The air was hot and thick and mosquitos buzzed loudly. In the distance was a stone building, where the words 'I AM A DOCTOR' were painted on the front. You smart ones might be able to guess whose house that was, though whether she was the owner in the strictest sense of the word was up for question.

"Okay!" Navaan said, peeling off her cloak and facemask. Underneath, she was wearing thick, water-proof pants and rubber boots, and seemed to be completely unfazed by where she was standing. The est of you could start making your way towards land now--though be careful not to knock over any of the fishing poles that were set up. "So, the smarter kids in the class already remember this, but not all of you struck me as that when we talked last week, so I'm gonna say it again. The most important tool in your doctor bag--and you'd all better have your doctor bags, you're studying to be doctors, you need to be responsible--is leeches. Are leeches. Is is 'is' cause 'tool' is singular? Heh, tool. Or is it plural, cause leeches are? Never mind. I'll visit a wordsmith later to find out. Anyway, leeches are super-useful and important, and no doctor should ever be without them!"

Navaan pulled her jar of leeches out of her bag and showed them off to her students, smiling proudly. There were five or six leeches in there and the jar was half-full of pinkish-gray water. On the bottom there were chunks of--something--that the students would probably prefer not to think about too closely. Too bad. This was your lesson today, kids. "Lotsa cool things you can do with leeches," she explained, opening the jar and taking one out. It was about six inches long and glistened wetly on her gloves as it started to slowly move about. "These suckers are great for medicine. They secrete anti-coagulants, which means that wherever you stick 'em'll keep bleeding. The blood keeps pumping which'll help keep fingers and stuff from falling off after you reattach 'em. Their drool is filled with all kinds of useful stuff, including an anesthetic and anti-inflammatory enzymes. They're awesome that way. Also, cause they fill up with blood in about twenty minutes, they make great snacks."

Ha ha. That was a...joke? Maybe?

"So today, you're gonna get to know your new best friend, the leech. We're gonna start with how to catch them, then how to take care of them, and then how to use them. You ready?"

Probably not. That wasn't going to stop her.

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Next to the cooler is a table with large jars on it. Next to the jars were sharp, pointy tools that looked exactly like awls because that's what they were.

"If you don't take care of your leeches, they'll die," Navaan said. "And then you'll have to get more and meat can be expensive. So make sure you have a jar already so your leeches can live a while. Leeches are super-easy, though. Take a jar and fill it up with water. Not too much, or it'll be too heavy. This water right here will be fine."

She pointed at the swamp where the water could be called, at best, fragrant. Fetid might be an more accurate descriptor, but did she look like a wordararian? No. She looked like a doctor.

"Leeches like to be kept somewhere cool. Definitely not out in the sun, or they'll get all withered and gross, like raisins. Raisins might even be withered leeches, I don't know." It was possible! "Cool and shady, like under your bed or in the fridge if you don't keep your fridge very cold. Then you need to put some holes into the jar lids before screwing them on. The lids help the water keep from evaporating and the holes let air flow in, so the water stays aerated and the leeches can breathe."

She'd sounded almost...logical there.

"Also, it lets you know when you need to shove more meat in there. If the air around the jar starts getting funky, you probably need to change the water and put in fresh meat cause something's gone bad."

You might also want to throw out the old meat, but hey. Navaan wasn't gonna tell you how to live your life.

"While you're waiting for your leeches to take the bait, prepare your jars. Add water, punch holes in the lid, maybe set up a pretty seascape with rocks and plants and stuff. Draw on the jar with markers. Leeches love bright colors, it'll make them feel right at home."

She tossed a bunch of markers on the table and waited for them to get to work.

There was no way he was going to draw pictures to entertain leeches. Ichabod just punched a few holes in the lid and filled the jar with just enough water. For all he cared the leeches could die a slow and painful death.

Navaan paused to watch Icky work and sadly shook her head.

"The important thing is that you tried," she said carefully.

Ichabod just gave Navaan a disdainful look in reply, but kept his mouth shut.

"I already have one," Elsa practically growled as she bypassed the meat and the poles to deposit a squirming leech into a jar, which she then filled with a bit of water. She'd double back for the other items later, because she was hell-bent on passing this class, but that didn't mean she had to be thrilled about this.

Punching holes in a lid had never been so therapeutic. But then, she'd never really done any hole-punching, either.

"Lucky you!" Navaan gushed. "Aww, lookit the little guy! Isn't he cute! You'd better draw him a great picture! And get him some friends so he won't be lonely."

"Of course," Elsa sighed, watching her leech squirm around in the jar. "I certainly wouldn't want him to get lonely."

Elsa was good at starving things for attention. At least the leeches and the ghosts could find company in one another.

"What are you going to draw on your jar?" Navaan asked. "Anything to do with...maracas?"

Why yes! She did just go from cheerful to menacing in seconds!

It was entirely possible that Elsa had looked up what in the world those noisy things were after Navaan's reaction to them last week. She still didn't quite understand what the big deal was, but as long as Navaan's suspicion was harmless, she figured she could just roll with it.

She'd taken class with Pam and Cheryl before, after all.

"As a matter of fact, yes," she replied, serenely. "And perhaps a bowl of fruit as well, to keep things interesting."

"I...see..." Navaan said with narrowed eyes. "Yes, I think I see very well."

And then she was making the 'keeping my eyes on you' gesture once again.

Celia was not, for whatever reason, especially in the mood to decorate a jar for leeches. She hadn't stopped whimpering little, "Ew, ew, ew"'s since she'd had to thread meat onto a fishing line, and it was probably going to continue for most of the rest of the hour.

She punched possibly more holes than necessary into the lid. Possibly also harder than necessary.

"What have you got in mind for your mural?" Navaan asked the Sorceress. She looked at Celia's clothes and sighed.

This class needed a lot of work, clearly.

"Oh, I don't know," Celia replied, trying not to roll her eyes too hard. "Maybe a lovely little beach scene for them. Leeches just adore sunbathing, don't they?"

If one could not reason with madness, clearly one must just embrace it. At least for now. Otherwise Celia was going to end up breaking something, probably.

"...Do you want me to go over the lecture again?" Navaan asked, giving Celia a dubious look. "Leeches...don't like...the sun."

She spoke slowly and clearly, making sure to enunciate every word. Just in case Celia needed some, err, extra help.

How was that 'not breaking something' going for you?

At least Navaan hadn't asked Celia about her genitalia yet today. She'd count that as a victory.

"It's pretend," Celia replied. She widened her eyes innocently, blinking. If she was going to be treated like an imbecile (in an ugly dress, to boot), then she might as well get the most out of it. "They can pretend to sunbathe. Maybe they've longed all their lives for an opportunity, only to be crippled by their adaptation to their climates."

"Oh." Navaan had to think about that for a moment. "Eh, maybe. You know, if that's what makes you feel better...sure. I bet they do."

Navaan gave Celia a big grin. It was very toothy.

Anders wasn't interested in the comfort and entertainment of leeches, but if he was going to pick up the disgusting things he wanted them to stay alive. He put a few mossy rocks in the jar, filled it with the clearest water he could find, and added a constellation of holes to the lid.

And, see? This was why Anders got to be her TA. It was nice to see someone in this class with the right mindset for doctoring.

"That's a beautiful jar," she said. "You will have the happiest leeches!"

Anders beamed at her. Navaan was eccentric, and he was discomfited by the way she snacked on leeches, but praise was praise.

"I hope so," he said honestly. "If they're happy and have lots of little leech babies, I won't ever have to come back out here to gather more."

"You'll need to take extra-good care of them," Navaan said seriously. "Clean their jar a lot a make sure there's enough room. Otherwise they'll over-populate and just die. But if you think you're ready for the responsibility..."

Of leech-farming.

Anders suppressed an urge to shudder at the mental image. "Maybe I could separate out the males and the females," he suggested. "I don't want them to overtake my room, you know."

"...You know how to check for that?"

"I hoped you did?"

Navaan was the leech expert here!

"Why would I know that?" Navaan asked, equally puzzled. "I don't wanna bang any of 'em!"

The verb she used was not actually 'bang.'

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Doctoring 101, Thursday, Per. 01

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