The Modern Workplace and You: Friday, Period 1

[holyshitsnacks.livejournal.com]

"Oh my god, why did you come?" Cheryl greeted the class like usual, looking hungover (also like usual.) "Like...seriously. Last week should've been the last week. You should all be blowing this off right now."

Was it obvious enough that she didn't want to be here? She could try harder. As it was, she was leaning against a table in the Danger Shop and looking dangerously close to just going to sleep.

“Uh … we didn’t write a final,” Pam said, helpfully. “We kinda didn’t figure you little shits’d show up for one. Or, like, survive the rest of the semester.”

Seriously, what were they DOING here? Even the Gun Safety class had figured out that Pam was grossly incompetent after, like, two classes. Did they have nothing better to do? If so, maybe they didn’t know about enough illegal drugs just yet. Because cocaine was way more interesting than this shit.

Cheryl could have written an entire syllabus of her own on that. Acid, Blow and Ecstasy: Improving Your Day-to-Day Life Through Chemical Imbalance.

Don't think she hadn't thought about it.

"Anyway…." Cheryl sighed, waving behind her to where the students may have possibly noticed the obstacle course that had clearly just been set up...oh, like three minutes before they'd gotten there.

And none of it looked like anything they'd covered in class. Oops.

“Take the Middle Management Challenge!” Pam announced, like she was the happiest, fattest Vanna White ever. “See if you can run the gauntlet of the modern workplace environment and escape with your sanity!”

None of this had anything to do with a modern workplace environment, either. And most of it didn’t look all that safe. It was the Danger Shop, so you probably couldn’t be permanently disfigured, right?

"And don't try any of that 'myyyyy workplace won't have these obstacles!' bullshit," Cheryl cautioned, frowning. "Arson is an incredibly widespread problem. All of these are. But especially arson."

She probably shouldn't have smiled for that, but oh well.

Comments

Final Exam: OBSTACLE COURSE! [4-25]

[holyshitsnacks.livejournal.com]

There are five ... stations? areas? ... for this obstacle course. Death lurks at every corner* and your final grade** is on the line. Do not disappoint Pam and Cheryl now***.

*not that much death. They were in a hurry.
**let's be real, they're gonna get high and scribble a bunch of letters next to names haphazardly. But they will judge the shit out of your performance today, in the most Simon-on-American Idol way possible.
***they already consider the lot of you to be disappointments, so, no pressure.

FE: OC: Station 1: Cake Decorating! [4-25]

[holyshitsnacks.livejournal.com]

Station 1 is a small table with a number of sheet cakes on it: yellow, chocolate, marble, white. Surrounding the cakes you will find bags of frosting, marzipan, sprinkles, those little chocolate things they call 'nonpareils,' stencils, fondant, and cute toppers for a variety of moddable events.

Get in there and decorate that cake like a pro. Got it? Come up with a theme, or a lack thereof. Get festive. Describe the colors and artistry. Make Pam and Cheryl hungry just looking at it.

... Pam's already hungry, so this shouldn't be hard.

Re: FE: OC: Station 1: Cake Decorating! [4-25]

[iceolatedqueen.livejournal.com]

Elsa had never done anything like this in her life. But if she just stenciled a lot of flowers all over her cake, that would do, right?

... Right?

Re: FE: OC: Station 1: Cake Decorating! [4-25]

[holyshitsnacks.livejournal.com]

"Okay, the flowers look nice," Pam said, while shoving a hunk of cake into her mouth -- not Elsa's cake. They were scoring it right now. Just one of the unused, uniced sheet cakes lying around. "So what's the occasion? Birthday? Wedding? Someone get laid?"

Re: FE: OC: Station 1: Cake Decorating! [4-25]

[notmysupervisor.livejournal.com]

"So what else are you going to add?" Cheryl asked, also eating cake. Look, the cake was there to be eaten. She wasn't going to let Pam have all of it. "...you weren't just going to stop with the flowers, right?"

It looked fine with the flowers but this was Cheryl, so.

Re: FE: OC: Station 1: Cake Decorating! [4-25]

[fly-so-serious.livejournal.com]

Joker cut a chunk off of the end of his cake and set it upright on top of the rest. Some frosting and some careful decorating later, and the vertical piece became a brick wall, with green grass on one side and brown dirt on the other. He rolled out a piece of fondant very thinly and coiled it to make barbed wire on top of the wall, and he fashioned a ladder out of thicker pieces of fondant to go on the dirt side of the wall. Completing the piece, he added a few of the cake toppers -- a bride and groom, a princess, a cartoon character -- that were climbing the ladder to their freedom.

"Voilà! Modern workplace blah blah blah!"

Re: FE: OC: Station 1: Cake Decorating! [4-25]

[holyshitsnacks.livejournal.com]

"That is art," Pam decided. "Are they fleeing the monotony of their dreadful humdrum lives, or is there like a tiger wandering around just out of view?"

Legitimate question.

"Aaaaaaand if it's art does that mean I can't eat it? 'Cause I still wanna eat it."

Also a legitimate question.

Re: FE: OC: Station 1: Cake Decorating! [4-25]

[fly-so-serious.livejournal.com]

"Oh, no, this is totally a jailbreak," Joker explained. He pointed to the side with the people. "Office." And then the other. "Fun."

He waved Pam towards the cake. "You wanna eat it? Go for it. It's very meta."

Meta-what, he left unexplained. It didn't really need to be clarified, did it? 'Cause he didn't know.

Re: FE: OC: Station 1: Cake Decorating! [4-25]

[notmysupervisor.livejournal.com]

"Make it so one of them doesn't make it over the barbed wire," Cheryl said, just a little too eagerly. "We have red food coloring around here somewhere."

Re: FE: OC: Station 1: Cake Decorating! [4-25]

[fly-so-serious.livejournal.com]

Joker was only too happy to oblige. He found a topper that was wax instead of plastic, so he could chop its hand off. The topper went across the wall with some red icing under it, and the hand went on the other side, with more red icing. For good measure, he added a lot of the red icing dribbling down both sides of the wall. It didn't show up well against the red he'd already used for the brick, but that really didn't matter so much.

"They call it razorwire for a reason," Joker told Cheryl, nodding solemnly.

FE: OC: Station 2: Arson [4-25]

[holyshitsnacks.livejournal.com]

Station #2 is a number of metal wastebaskets that are stuffed full of newspapers. A table nearby has matches and cigarette lighters.

Pick a trashcan, and torch that motherfucker. Clap your hands with glee as you savor the random destruction. Wonder aloud why fire is the only force that can touch your blackened, empty soul. Be sad that you didn't bring marshmallows for s'mores.

Re: FE: OC: Station 2: Arson [4-25]

[fly-so-serious.livejournal.com]

There weren't any marshmallows, no, but Joker took a piece of newspaper back to the cake-decorating station and painted a big red frosting heart on it. When that went into the can and got burned with the rest, it made pretty blue flames and smelled sickly sweet.

"Dang it, now I really want some marshmallows."

Re: FE: OC: Station 2: Arson [4-25]

[holyshitsnacks.livejournal.com]

"Me, too," Pam said mournfully. Around a mouthful of cake. "I guess we could toast some of the cake, but the icing'd probably just fall off."

Re: FE: OC: Station 2: Arson [4-25]

[fly-so-serious.livejournal.com]

Joker waved her forward to his can, so that she could try. "Will it? Science!"

Re: FE: OC: Station 2: Arson [4-25]

[notmysupervisor.livejournal.com]

"Why the heart?" Cheryl asked, barely restraining herself at the sight of the flames. She was tapping from foot to foot, though, clearly antsy. "Is this like, art to you?"

Re: FE: OC: Station 2: Arson [4-25]

[fly-so-serious.livejournal.com]

"It's a heart because I love arson," Joker explained. "Fire is pretty!"

FE: OC: Station 3: Change a Car's Washer Fluid [4-25]

[holyshitsnacks.livejournal.com]

Behold, the next station has, for each of you, one 1979 Ford Pinto, in tangerine (http://paintref.com/cgi-bin/colorcodedisplay.cgi?type=sample&ditzler=3058&syear=1979&smanuf=Ford&smodel=Pinto&sname=Tangerine). Its hood is propped up, and it is out of windshield washer fluid.

Change the windshield washer fluid in the Pinto, and see if the car will now start. Hint: it won't, because it's a 1979 Pinto, and that thing is a gigantic piece of shit. But at least it now has windshield washer fluid. So you're free to go along your merry way to the next station.

Re: FE: OC: Station 3: Change a Car's Washer Fluid [4-25]

[fly-so-serious.livejournal.com]

So, #1, there's no real way to change the washer fluid, just a place to refill it when it runs out, and #2, the washer fluid has absolutely zero to do with whether or not the car starts.

Joker doubted either teacher knew either of those things, or that they even cared.

It didn't matter, because #3, the instructions said to change the fluid, but they didn't say into what. A quick trip to the Cake Decorating station later, and abracadabra! He had changed the plain, ordinary washer fluid into very soapy, extremely watered-down icing! "Ta-da!"

But why stop there? He covered a good chunk of the engine block in various colors of icing, and wrote "Happy Birtday Mr. Orange Car" on it in very loopy cursive. Then he took a step back to admire his work.

...And then he frowned. "Dammit, forgot an H." Because that was the only thing wrong, here.

Re: FE: OC: Station 3: Change a Car's Washer Fluid [4-25]

[holyshitsnacks.livejournal.com]

"We have to dock you points for missing the H," Pam said. "Hey, d'you think I can eat an entire engine block?"

Because now she kind of wanted to try.

"Awww, I didn't get the car anything for his birthday. Think he'll be mad?"

FE: OC: Station 4: Two Words: Puppet Show [4-25]

[holyshitsnacks.livejournal.com]

Station four has a number of moddable puppets, and a passable stage.

Your work must contain suitable pathos to the occasion. Bring tears to the eyes of your fellow students. Also, use of a Greek chorus is mandatory.

When you feel you have expressed the utter depths of your soul in puppeteer form, you may move on to the final station.

Re: FE: OC: Station 4: Two Words: Puppet Show [4-25]

[fly-so-serious.livejournal.com]

Joker picked up a puppet for each hand.

[Enter Chorus]

Chorus:
This is a story of tragedy and woe.
Now sit ye and listen -- no, stop, wait! Don't go!
A student will come, and speak here today,
And once he is finished, ye must give him an "A".

[Enter Student]

Student:
I am a student, and I take this class.

Chorus:
He is a student, and he may not pass.

Student:
I try and I try, and I'm really good.
Will I get a good grade? I know that I should.
I work my hardest, and always do well,
But am I appreciated? I cannot tell.

O tell me, Delphi! O Sybil! Cassandra!
What will be my grade? O what is your answer?
I stand here before you, naked, afraid:
An 'tis less than A-plus, I shall taste my blade!

[Student collapses in agony and grief]

Chorus:
Dun dun DUNNNNNNNN!

Here is thy student, and judgment time comes.
An thou be true, thou know'st what must be done.

[Exeunt]

Re: FE: OC: Station 4: Two Words: Puppet Show [4-25]

[holyshitsnacks.livejournal.com]

"So did he kill himself or is he just flinging himself down in agony?" Pam asked, super-enthralled. "Because maybe he was totally gonna get an A and now that he's dead, he can't. It's like a paradox."

No, Pam. It wasn't.

(holy shit asldfkasdkf;lasd ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥)

FE: OC: Station 5: Returning a Blouse [4-25]

[holyshitsnacks.livejournal.com]

Station 5 is actually located inside a very hip clothing store. The clerk inside the store is far, far too cool for you. Your job is to return the blouse that you purchased last week which you have never worn and no longer want.

This will be difficult, because the clerk at this store is the worst human being on the planet and is actively working against you and being super-condescending and annoying and refusing to even pretend she's not laughing at your struggle. It doesn't help that you don't have a receipt.

Return the blouse, or face the consequences. And since the clerk is absolutely not taking the blouse back, now might be a good time to tell you that getting reeeeeeeeeeeal sick of her shit and burning the store to the ground will also count as a 'win' here. Just saying.

Re: FE: OC: Station 5: Returning a Blouse [4-25]

[fly-so-serious.livejournal.com]

Joker approached the counter and set down his blouse. "Hi! I would like to return this blouse."

Sometimes, the straightforward approach was best.

Re: FE: OC: Station 5: Returning a Blouse [4-25]

[notmysupervisor.livejournal.com]

"Why? Did it not fit?" asked the severe-looking saleslady. (Look, Cheryl and Pam knew who she looked like but no one else did. No harm, no foul as long as Ms. Archer didn't find out.) "Maybe you should have considered that when you bought it."